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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No present fromDP

80 replies

ChristmasMoaner1 · 24/12/2014 22:37

I've NCed as I feel a bit silly.

Also wasn't sure where to post this.

I've brought DP a few gifts, that although aren't expensive, had a lot of thought put into them.

I know you don't give to receive but I'm a bit hurt that he hasn't got me anything. I would have been over the moon with a box of chocolates.

I hope our eldest DC doesn't comment on the fact I don't have any presents to open tomorrow.

I know I should be used to it as I've never had so much as a birthday card off him, let alone a Mother's Day card ect, so I don't know why I feel so sad this year. I think it's because I won't be seeing my mum until next week so at least normally, I'd have something to open on Christmas Day.

Sorry I just wanted to get that out. I know many people have much worse problems. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'll still have a fantastic day with the DC tomorrow with or without presents!

OP posts:

SanityClause · 26/12/2014 09:23

My DC have said that they like Christmas more than birthdays, because you get to see what everyone else is opening, as well.

Your DD obviously wanted it to be fair, and was excited to see you open presents, too. So, in not giving you presents, he has not only hurt you, but also made her day less enjoyable. (And of course, seeing their mother treated badly will be setting them up for seeing themselves as lesser human beings, as they get older.)

You are not "being silly". This is a big deal. Talk to him about it, and don't be fobbed off. Tell him how hurt you feel that he never gets you any presents.

If he cares for you, he will change his behaviour. If he doesn't care, you can make your decisions accordingly.

Greymalkin · 26/12/2014 09:40

When my DB and I we're around 6/7 years old, my 'D'F thought it would be funny to wrap up the spare car parts my DMs car needed. This was her only Christmas present.

He laughed his head off. She cried in the kitchen when she thought no one could hear. I have never forgotten it.

You need to say something OP, firstly for yourself because you do matter and you should be appreciated. Secondly as others have said, so you can be a positive role model for you're DC.

Jinglebells99 · 26/12/2014 09:49

Aah that's mean of your dp. When your dd asked if you'd been naughty, you should have explained adult presents come from other adults ie dp not Santa and dp didn't bother? I wouldn't buy for him again.

comingintomyown · 26/12/2014 09:49

He laughed and told your DD you didn't have any presents to open ?

What does that say to you ?

BriarRainbowshimmer · 26/12/2014 10:10

OP you've made effort for him and shown that you care about him with gifts - like people do on Xmas - don't you think someone who loves you should do the same?
And he is also sending bad message to your DC.

Original poster

ChristmasMoaner1 · 26/12/2014 10:51

Thank you all for replying. And thank you for telling me I'm not being silly.

I think the reason, I'm more both bothered this year, is because I've been starting to question our relationship in general, just recently.

I wish I hadn't started this thread in a way because I'm not sure I'm ready to realise anything yet.

The poster who said, I bet you got all the presents/chose all the food/ wrapped everything ect was completely right! I've said to him that we wouldn't have even had a christmas if it had been down to him.

The thing I'm most annoyed about if that he didn't get one of his family members a present this year. This person does so much for us. I normally sort her present out and wrap it ect but this year I thought, why should I? So I let him do his family instead. Now I feel so bad that this particular person didn't get anything just because I wanted to prove a point. He told me he had sorted it, but he hadn't.

OP posts:

Jinglebells99 · 26/12/2014 11:08

I would say to his relative, that you are terribly sorry and had agreed he would get her present this year and you didn't realise he hadn't, and I would buy her something today and wrap it up. I do think a lot of men are useless like this. I buy most of gifts for my husbands family. He bought things for me and the children, but I share hobbies with his mum and know what she likes. But thinking back, I don't think my dad bought for my mum, and my brother is quite haphazard with gifts. Really don't bother getting him gifts again. Maybe he isn't bothered or maybe he will realise what a selfish turd he is!

BriarRainbowshimmer · 26/12/2014 11:37

I do think a lot of men are useless like this.

Not all men, some give very thoughtful gifts - even if it's common behaviour, it's very selfish.
I don't think we should let people get away with not buying gifts when they still get gifts themselves because "they're men so they're useless." I understand that it's not what you're saying Jinglebells but just wanted to say that.
It's about how much they care (and what they can get away with) I think.

lemisscared · 26/12/2014 11:47

i didn't get a present from dp this year. i will be a liar if i say im not a bit sad about it but I'm more sad for him than me. money is tight and i said not to buy me as the present i bought him both of us are enjoying. i know he felt bad but id rather have nothing than something i don't need/want.

scarletforya · 26/12/2014 11:54

In future keep the money you'd spend on him and spend it on yourself.

500Decibels · 26/12/2014 12:19

There's a difference between not buying someone a gift (whatever the reason) and feeling bad about it and not buying someone a gift and then laughing about it and not giving a shit whilst the person you didn't buy is feeling sad about it.

Original poster

ChristmasMoaner1 · 26/12/2014 14:33

He can definitely afford it. He spends loads on himself all year round. It wasn't a money issue.

Sorry you didn't get anything lem

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 26/12/2014 14:39

What a grade a arsehole op. Really sorry for you :(

Wish you had not bothered giving him his presents, see how he likes it!

I can see why you are questioning your relationship, this is about SO much more than monetary gifts and everything about thought and care (and that he has none).

Buy yourself something awesome online in the sales - fuck him.

JapaneseMargaret · 26/12/2014 19:36

What a thoroughly unpleasant man.

He's just lazy, and can't be bothered. Cannot be bothered.

What an awful trait for your DC to see growing up.

This would be deal-breaker stuff for me.

You're most definitely not being silly.

TendonQueen · 27/12/2014 00:29

Not being silly at all. As you've said he regularly spends money on himself, it sadly shows he just doesn't think he has to make the effort for you. Do you think you could broach it with him now? Ask him what he thought when your DD asked those questions, and then tell him how it made you feel and that you don't want to feel like that again.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2014 05:11

I can't get over your P actually sitting there on Christmas Day knowing full well he hasn't bought you a gift and even saying as much to your DC.

What grade of person would do that??

It isn't about the present, his actions speak louder than words.

It isn't as simple as saying LTB as you have DC together but I feel so sad on your behalf and hope that you did have a nice time with your DC. Sadly they will come to realise how their DM was treated in years to come....

HellKitty · 27/12/2014 07:02

He has the money and presumably the skills to use the Internet? I don't buy into people being too busy to get presents. Your DP is different as he chose not to get you anything. Is he like this every Christmas? What about birthdays? Sorry if you've already answered that - I'm a bit hungover!

I know what my DPs work colleagues got their wives as they talked about it. Do you want to be talked about as in 'nah, not getting her anything'? He thinks so little of you. Have a good hard think about this relationship. Whether you stay or split things have to change.

LovelyMarchHare · 27/12/2014 08:03

Assuming that he is a good man in other ways (which I suspect is far from straightforward) and that you can have a sensible conversation with him, then I'm afraid I think you're being far too passive about this.

You should have mentioned it well before Christmas and said what your expectations were. Posters on here have you lots of good advice about not giving him his stuff. I expect that you didn't follow this. If doesn't sound as though you'll be able to shame him into it so you need to be more direct.

I am a lone parent and so leave money out for my children to buy presents for me (thru friends - not old enough to go alone). This is with the sole purpose of us all having a little something to open Christmas morning as it's important to them that mummy has something too.

If he is really worth hanging on to then take a bit of control for next year.

JapaneseMargaret · 27/12/2014 08:07

I have to agree that it does come across as if you're too scared to raise this with him.

Other people in your scenario would've reacted very differently to his half laugh, nah, she doesn't get a present comment.

I hate any whiff of victim-blaming ... but ... he does do this because he knows that you'll raise exactly zero fuss about it.

You don't have to accept this as your lot. His non-present-buying stance is unkind and hurtful. You don't have to roll over and take this.

Milmingebag · 27/12/2014 08:26

Perfect opportunity for gifting him a shit in a box wrapped up exquisitely if you are still tolerating this numb nuts next year.

I think you need to get a backbone.

peasandlove · 27/12/2014 08:30

He's taking you for granted.

Ledkr · 27/12/2014 09:27

I'm sorry but I'd interpret this as him not caring enough about you.
When u love somebody you enjoy making them happy and giving them gifts no matter his small as a token of your love and appreciation for them.
Being busy is an excuse for some hurried and unsuitable gifts but not for no gift at all.
My son is on kidney dyalisis and bought us all beautiful presents and thoroughly enjoyed giving them to us too.
Your dh should be ashamed of himself.

emmaandtristan · 27/12/2014 21:51

You totally deserve better

Pilgit · 27/12/2014 22:00

It's not about the size of the present. It's about being and feeling appreciated. You deserve to be appreciated and be treated as important because you are. What would his reaction be if he got nothing from you? I am betting he would sulk. His lack of empathy for how you will feel is not a great sign. There's are a mumsnet saying - when they tell you who they are (or what they think in this case) -listen.

hitalownote · 27/12/2014 23:52

OP I'm in the same situation as you and it has given me reason again to think about my relationship with dp.
I draw comparisons to other relationships and family relationships and i know it isn't fair as all relationships different. I have males in the family who:
ask what present their oh would want and take note and will go and get that suggestions. It's no big surprise on the day but it's what the oh wanted and they do it as it's expected of them. Left to their own devices i think they'd use the excuse but i show you in other ways. a cop out.
I have other males who are dreadful and use the excuse that it's buying stuff that;s a waste and buying into the hallmark celebration. Again a cop out.But these males are quiet happy to accept presents!
Then there are the males who start planning the pressents in November and know exactly what gift to give to surprise the other half.
I have only once had a partner who at the time had no money and made me the most beautiful thoughtful present and to this day I never forgot the effort put in. I let him slip away! lol.
my own father buys what my mother suggests/lists. It has nothing to do with the money and should she ask for the moon he'd do it because well it's what she wants. It is a joint bank account where they both contributed to.I'm not sure if he did this because he was nagged earlier in life, or he forgot one year and never made the mistake or just that he wants her to have something she wants and that he thinking is he 'just wants her happy'. He isn't into mad shows of admiration or wanting gold starts. as we all knew when she opened it and went ' wow oh my god i love it' , that she had practically bought it herself. But he still does it to this day. beautiful necklace she had this xmas and not a chance woudl he have known to pick it.
anyhow my point is. my dc dad(ex) still with his new partner buys her nothing. I had to give him something to give her as i felt she is wonderful with dc and would expect something. he reluctantly took it. he was the same with me and i felt really unappreciated and when i went to great lengths to choose thoughtful gifts he'd love but i wouldn't have anything to open i kept saying to myself ah sure i love that i can make someone else smile. that was a characteristic i didn't like and was a reason for the split. selfishness.
unfortunately my new dp is the same.he isn't exactly selfish in other ways but i suppose i should notice these red flags. but as all new relationships people do seem generous and kind and loving in the early days. so as we have continued i have noticed that although i will get something it could be 3 months later andit will be classed as ah here is an early xmas /birthday present or a late one.
i find it hard to get upset as i feel it's almost 'justified' when he says but sure didn't i do xyz you wanted me to do, as if that's the gift!. I have got nothing this year from dp. So i totally get you on this. Can we interpret it as stubborness to conform/lazy /selfishness or mean? I'm not sure.But I have told him that we aren't a good match if one of us sees this as important and the other doesn't. simple thing but many interpretations taken from it.

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