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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No present fromDP

80 replies

ChristmasMoaner1 · 24/12/2014 22:37

I've NCed as I feel a bit silly.

Also wasn't sure where to post this.

I've brought DP a few gifts, that although aren't expensive, had a lot of thought put into them.

I know you don't give to receive but I'm a bit hurt that he hasn't got me anything. I would have been over the moon with a box of chocolates.

I hope our eldest DC doesn't comment on the fact I don't have any presents to open tomorrow.

I know I should be used to it as I've never had so much as a birthday card off him, let alone a Mother's Day card ect, so I don't know why I feel so sad this year. I think it's because I won't be seeing my mum until next week so at least normally, I'd have something to open on Christmas Day.

Sorry I just wanted to get that out. I know many people have much worse problems. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'll still have a fantastic day with the DC tomorrow with or without presents!

OP posts:

Hissy · 25/12/2014 17:00

i'd sit right there, by the tree, making sure his gifts weren't anywhere to be seen and do nothing.

IF anyone asked, i'd say, oh we don't buy presents for adults anymore.

then take the gifts back and put it towards costs incurred whe you sling him out/leave him.

he's a prick.

Gfplux · 25/12/2014 17:03

You have to change his behaviour by JUST TELLING HIM. Sorry for shouting.
We all need telling about something. When we are not told we continue doing what we do. We have to believe our partner will tell us what makes them happy. If they keep their mouth shut they frankly deserve what they "don't" get.

ElPavo · 25/12/2014 19:23

Time for some self-gifting. Some seriously generous self-giving.

I can't believe that it's the not first he year he got you nothing. That's not a 'd' p. that's a man that lives in the same house.

GingerbreadPudding · 25/12/2014 22:02

I think you're secretly hoping your children will notice and will say something because someone needs to bring it to your husbands attention and you don't like to. Please do yourself a favour and let him know that it dies upset you and give him a list of stuff you'd like for him to pick something from for future birthday/Christmas etc. I don't like having to say what I want,I want my husband to just 'know' but he doesn't so I tell him. I do think men just don't get it like women do.

Original poster

ChristmasMoaner1 · 25/12/2014 22:42

I really didn't want the children to notice. But they did.

During present unwrapping, DD kept saying, let's get one for mummy now...

Eventually DP just half laughted and said mummy hasn't got any.

DD replied, 'has she been naughty?'

I've still had a good day and I enjoyed seeing the DC open their presents and having a good time which is what it's all about really. I'm over myself now. But I'm not making an effort for him again. I'll get
DD to make him cards (she really enjoys this) but that's it.

I gave him suggestions when he asked me what I wanted (chocolate, book, mug or lip balm) so it's not that he doesn't know. He's just too lazy to actually get round to doing it.

OP posts:

BigCatFace · 25/12/2014 23:00

Oh OP Arsehole. Be kind to yourself today. And yeah don't make an effort for a selfish lazy git.

GingerbreadPudding · 25/12/2014 23:35

When you're at the stage of not doing nice things to spite/punish your oh (although I totally get why) what's the point? How did you not say anything? They don't give out martyr rewards. I'm so sad and cross on your behalf.

DraggingDownDownDown · 26/12/2014 06:10

Did he open his?

dragonfly007 · 26/12/2014 06:36

I had to chat with my dp to explain a gift is about appreciating what I do and showing that I am cared for, it took a while but now I get fab presents. Not necessarily expensive or indulgent but always thoughful and often useful

JeanSeberg · 26/12/2014 06:42

Is this how you want your daughter to think relationships work?

You need to take action op, for the sake of your kids.

Gfplux · 26/12/2014 08:17

Frankly I am disappointed for you and in you. This is a form of abuse. You are letting it happen and also moulding your young ones attitude to relationships.
You must make him change or get rid of him.

NewNameforChristmas · 26/12/2014 08:26

Is this a reflection of your relationship in general?

rockybalboa · 26/12/2014 08:35

What an absolute twatbadger he is. Did you give him his presents in the end?

Fadingmemory · 26/12/2014 08:37

OP, you asked for simple, inexpensive presents (chocolate, mug, book, lip balm) and he could not even get you one of those? Making, it worse, he apparently asked you what you wanted, thus raising your expectations.

Very difficult to understand! Some couples agree not to buy presents for one another and that's fine and equal.

Out of interest, what was your present to him?

I hope he is less selfish in other areas of your life but I doubt it! If I knew where you were, you'd have a parcel from me!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 26/12/2014 08:42

Say something, don't put up with it.

RoverClover · 26/12/2014 08:44

Really? Nothing?

Nothing from him at all? And you're still sat there ever hopeful?
My god, tell him what a selfish twat he is. I bet you decorated the house, bought all the food, cooked all the food, bought all the presents, wrapped all the presents, wrote all the cards...

Do you want to be sitting there with no presents next year, or the year after? What the hell would you say if your children's partners never got them anything year after year.

Sit him down. Tell him straight. Get into practice as you now expect a small, well thought out gift EVERY month in 2015 AND a selection of wrapped gifts under the tree too. He can do this. No excuses.

He chose not to get you anything. Says a lot about the man you are with, I'm really sorry. Was his childhood that crap that Christmas has become such a non-event?

ethelb · 26/12/2014 08:49

The internet is open today. Can you do some generous self-gifting. Involve the DCs so they can see their mum did get some nice presents and wasn't 'naughty'

JeanSeberg · 26/12/2014 08:54

That's an even worse message to the kids, mum has to buy her own presents.

BigfootFilesHisToesInYourTea · 26/12/2014 08:56

OP, you start your post: "I've NCed as I feel a bit silly.*

You're minimising your feelings - you're not being silly. You're hurt because your DH did something hurtful (and he knows, it was hurtful btw - there's no way he doesn't - you gave him clear guidelines, he knew Xmas was coming and he chose not to buy you anything.)

Your feelings are totally reasonable, but you don't have to justify how you feel. You sound scared to rock the boat by saying something? What do you think would happen if you called him out on his behaviour?

And yes, your DD will learn how relationships work from watching you and your DH. Is this what you would want for her? You need to teach her to value herself and her feelings through leading by example.

500Decibels · 26/12/2014 08:56

I hope he's really kind to you in other ways because he sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you. Laughing whilst opening his gifts and saying you've got nothing!?
Awful.

trice · 26/12/2014 09:03

Dh has never bought me a present in 20 years. It doesn't mean that he isn't kind, thoughtful, loving or generous. He just finds gift buying difficult.

He doesn't like getting presents either, but I like giving so he always gets something from me and the children.

It used to upset me. I used to think it was because he didn't care. But he has demonstrated over the years that he absolutely adores me and works incredibility hard for our family. It is just a personality trait that he has, and as I love him I accept that.

Still annoying though.

ouryve · 26/12/2014 09:04

I didn't comment when I first saw your post on Christmas Eve, OP, as I was hoping your fears wouldn't be realised.

Agreeing with Bigfoot. You have nothing to be silly about. He couldn't be arsed to get you even something small an your kids noticed, which is pretty shit all around, really. I hope you can find the courage to make it clear to him exactly how thoughtless and unkind he was. You'd be stating the truth, so long as you remain calm it wouldn't be a bad thing if the kids heard you tell him, as that would get across the message that there are consequences if you treat someone badly.

JeanSeberg · 26/12/2014 09:07

Good job you don't find gift buying 'difficult' isn't it trice.

ouryve · 26/12/2014 09:11

trice DH finds gift buying difficult. Didn't prevent him from going shopping with the boys (a feat in itself, as they're difficult to take out together) and choosing me a few small, thoughtful things with DS1's "help".

Ledkr · 26/12/2014 09:13

But surely we all do things that we find difficult to make our loved ones happy?
I think not buying your partner a gift at Christmas is rude and mean, especially if you are bought them yourself.
What about the children too? Dh gave ds some money to get me some earrings and she was so excited to give them to me,it's a shame that they miss out on that experience.

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