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Original poster

Grumpy OCD husband can't do Xmas

27 replies

peppajay · 24/12/2014 21:34

Feeling a bit depressed tonight as wondering how can make tomorrow a good day for the kids when my OCD, hate hyper kids, grumpy husband is around. Had a lovely afternoon as he was at work so kids were allowed to be excited they were still excited when he came home but he put a stop to it by nagging and shouting that the house was a mess and the kids too loud. We went for a lovely walk to look At the christmas lights then home for hot chocolate and cake but unfortunately my son decided to pick the icing off his cake and this doesn't sit right with his OCD perfectionist father - granted he knows it winds him up so my son sort of did it on purpose- obviously the shit hit the fan and my husband flipped out at him - he called him a horrible disobedient boy for ruining his Christmas as he tried so hard to enjoy family time and his shocking behaviour ruined it yet again!! I know I obviously need to end the relationship but don't have the guts to do it. So how can I make tomorrow fun for the kids - I hope he goes out to visit his grandad at the hectic times - as makes it so much easier but he likes to try and last the day!!

OP posts:
Humansatnav · 24/12/2014 21:38

How old is your ds ?

KissMyFatArse · 24/12/2014 21:38

Wtf??? I couldn't enjoy Christmas with someone like that there sneering and judging. Send him to his granddads whether he wants to or not and tell him to stay there!

Original poster
peppajay · 24/12/2014 21:40

My son is 6. Believe me i have had enough and will be ending it - just not over Xmas!!

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 24/12/2014 21:40

Bloody hell. What's your husband like the rest of the year?

tribpot · 24/12/2014 21:44

I would think, for the sake of your children, ending this relationship before it spoils yet another Christmas might be something to consider in 2015.

For this year, can you suggest he goes out and spends the day with his grandad? The kids are going to be hyper and excited - they're kids. It's Christmas. That's what happens. Since he finds it so unpleasant perhaps he could vacate and leave them to enjoy themselves?

I take your DH doesn't actually have a diagnosis of OCD, is just completely unsuited to living with other people.

perplexedpirate · 24/12/2014 21:44

I'm not seeing what OCD has to do with this.
Christmas does exacerbate a lot of mental health issues but from what you've put it sounds like he's just being rude, rather than struggling with his condition.
Is he taking any medication for it? If he's had a change in dose maybe that could be be effecting him??

twinshock · 24/12/2014 21:45

Poor you, that sounds horrible & very stressful. I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas with your son xx

AgentZigzag · 24/12/2014 21:58

'he called him a horrible disobedient boy for ruining his Christmas as he tried so hard to enjoy family time and his shocking behaviour ruined it yet again!!'

OCD doesn't make you behave like a nasty bastard, it sounds like your DH does it all on his own.

Even if he is using OCD to try and excuse his behaviour, he really shouldn't be crushing your little lad like this.

Making him feel as though he's ruined Christmas just for eating the icing first?? Sad Don't most people eat the icing either first or save the best until last? It's how you fucking eat cake!

Fairylea · 24/12/2014 22:00

That's not ocd. That's being a bastard.

Can you take ds and have a day without him somewhere? Relatives? Friends?

Obviously you know you need to end it. He sounds awful.

Nerf · 24/12/2014 22:02

Yes I have ocd and am getting a bit sick of seeing it on here all the time as some kind of shorthand for 'twat'. Seems we've moved on from Aspergers so progress...

Honestly op he just sounds grumpy and has a view of how it all should be. Can you tell him how stressed it makes you?

AgentZigzag · 24/12/2014 22:06

And I know it's not as black and white as this, but when you said 'granted he knows it winds him up so my son sort of did it on purpose' smacks a bit of victim blaming to me.

He's only 6, and I know they test the boundaries, but your DH is an adult, and regardless of any OCD diagnosis it's up to him to keep things in perspective.

Laying a burnt out Christmas at the door of a small child on Christmas Eve is pretty fucking shabby.

Original poster
peppajay · 24/12/2014 22:41

He has just told me he won't be able to cope with tomorrow - so he will go to his grandads after breakfast. Best for us really as we can eat chocolate in the lounge and even leave wrapping paper lying around if we feel like it. The kids absolutely adore him though and will be devastated he won't be with us but as he tells them always it is their fault not his which is why I need to end it. I know he won't go as he loves the house too much so I will have to look at the best way of walking away in the new year - that is why I have never done anything about it before!! Anyway I am going to give the kids the best Xmas they have ever had!! Night night and merry Christmas xx

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 24/12/2014 22:51

I would suggest to him that he may be better staying at his grandads for a few days or longer to allow the DC's to enjoy their Christmas break

MistressDeeCee · 24/12/2014 22:52

I know I obviously need to end the relationship but don't have the guts to do it

Find the guts - for your DCs sake. Or don't complain when in years to come they won't want to know you OR their father. Don't think for a moment they will see you as a long-suffering victim too, whatever you decide to say to them when you suddenly realise you as an adult kept them in a situation with a horrid man when you could have taken them out of the situation.

The fault lies with your DH - but sorry as a mother you have to be your DCs protector. What about them? They're young, not even had a chance to live life form their characters properly, and they're being quelled by Mr Shouty

I was wondering if his OCD is self-diagnosed or does he take medication for it? Does the behaviour he displays towards DCs, extend to other adults and children outside the home? Im betting the answer is No.

Im aware my reply sounds harsh but I simply cannot bear parents who are horrible to their own children. The thought that a partner could put up with this, afraid to end things for the sake of love or security or whatever it is that transcends beyond their own childrens' safety and life happiness, is bewildering. Still...I hope you do the right thing and suggest to him he goes elsewhere..with other relatives, whatever it takes..so you and your DCs can have a lovely christmas without him taking pleasure in spoiling it all for you. You must have the patience of a saint. If I were in your shoes he'd have been out on his ear before before he could say "mince pie". Good luck

MistressDeeCee · 24/12/2014 22:54

& Agentzigzag is spot on.

tribpot · 24/12/2014 22:54

I think you tell him that under no circumstances is he to suggest it is their fault he is going. You can make out the grandad isn't well and needs someone to look after him.

Don't assume you have to give up the house, you need to consult with a lawyer in the new year.

I'm glad your kids' Christmas day isn't going to be ruined by this man, that's the main thing. Have a good one, peppajay.

PurpleWithRed · 24/12/2014 22:57

Do you really think your kids will thank you for delaying leaving him till after Christmas? Shame the shops are shut tomorrow and you can't change the locks while he is out.

CogitOIOIO · 24/12/2014 23:37

A man who loses it with a small child for eating cake the wrong way ( if I'm reading that right) is nothing more than a bully. Get him out of your home with a police escort if necessary.

Only1scoop · 24/12/2014 23:43

'Tried so hard to enjoy family time'

He sounds like hard work and controlling.

Givesyouhell · 25/12/2014 06:48

Don't give up the house. He doesn't necessarily get the choice about leaving. Get legal advice as soon as possible.

Sounds like he'll be much happier living alone anyway, he can spend all the time he likes worshiping at the Alter of Immaculate Icing..

Original poster
peppajay · 25/12/2014 11:15

He has gone to his grandads and wi be having lunch with his great aunt and uncle he loves his old relatives as is so much more on their wave length. Hopefully wont see him till tonight and I have told him we need to talk- the best thing of all there are toys all over the floor and kids are loving it. And we ate chocolate in the lounge for the first time ever!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/12/2014 11:32

Sounds fantastic. If it wasn't completely self-defeating I'd tell you to spill some red wine on the living room carpet Grin

I'm glad you're having a relaxed and joyful Christmas. This is what it should be like.

Bowchickawowow · 25/12/2014 11:39

I have (had / have) been affected by OCD, obsessive thoughts etc and it does make me agitated sometimes and I snap at the kids but it isn't like what you are describing. Has he been diagnosed or has OCD become a convenient shorthand for his unreasonable behaviour?!

Gfplux · 25/12/2014 16:31

If you are still with this shit in 12 months you deserve all you get. BUT your kids don't. You have the responsibility for the defensless little ones. Start planning now. Get out of this abusive relationship as soon as you can. There are no excuses you have children to protect.

Happyandsimple · 25/12/2014 23:51

Please understand that he cannot use OCD as a reason for treating you like this, your a human being, and he has put so many rules in place that doing something as normal as eating food in a certian room seems like a huge thing. thats not normal, I have OCD and I have never been horrible to anyone, that isn't OCD that is controling behavour plane and simple. how can he decide how someone should eat there own cake? Who does he think he is? If it bothers him he should look away and redirect himself. You saying " Granted he knows it winds him up" Makes me truely sad you can say that. no there is no granted, no acceptable reason, nothing. so what if it wines him up , and so what if he knows, he is allowed to eat his cake how he sees fit, without someone responding like that hun , I am also considering leaving my husband in the new year. I am here for you if you need support, because believe me, I know the thought is overwelming.

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