Finding out about a 12 yr affair

[nfv68rdt]

In March 2014 I received an email from the OW informing me that she had been having an affair for 12 years with my husband whom I had trusted implicitly. He is also not the type of person who I would ever had thought would even have an affair, have it in him. She then sent some quite nasty texts, emails, some I replied to but kept them formal without resorting to replying like with like, i.e, bitchy and spiteful. I was also working away from home at the time and she had looked up my work email. I did come home at the end of the week after phoning my partner at the beginning of the week when I had received the email. He was very embarrassed, contrite and said he always loved us ( we have 2 girls, young adults). He swore then she had never been in the house but about a month later, courtesy of the OW it turned out she had been over once and, as i call it, had a shagathon in the house, from outside, to spare room to our bedroom. ( Incidentally when questioned as to why they had to go upstairs to our room it was because she wanted to see the view and he like a numpty fell for it- that's what a numpty he is). Th girls and I were in Tenerife, he was following on the next day post shagathon but had mentioned to her on the phone/text what he had been doing dropping us at the airport. He had not been able to get cover). He has lied to us for 12 years and as he works late anyway I had never suspected. Sometimes I could smell perfume on him and questioned where the smell was from but never thought anymore of it, I accepted his explanation of his coat being near that of his female work colleagues.
The OW has stalked him over the years before the affair was consummated as it were, sometimes when I was there, or appearing in shops, at his workplace and she targeted people he worked with, befriending them and trying to get them to leave his employment to work where she did when the OW and himself were not communicating etc etc. She had wanted him to leave us and had arranged for him to 'have time away' from us for a weekend, somewhere local, something he had told us about ( not mentioning her !) as he was going 'to sort his head out' as we had been having problems plus work related problems for him. I was ok with that not knowing she had suggested it, arranged the house he stayed in and she went over and helped him to 'think'... he still stayed with us and told her that's what he wanted. She went off in a huff then started contacting him and he responded and this is how things have gone on until Nov 2013 when he tried to finish it only for her to find an excuse to get him to do a small favour for her. She also texted him at Christmas and he responded until he saw her face to face, at her request and kicked her into touch which brings us back to the beginning paragraph of this message.
I am devastated and could list all the adjectives that I am living with now that go with an affair. I still love him but am really struggling. Have I had the misfortune to come across a rather disturbed OW and how now do I carry on. We have tried counselling which helped to a point but for me I feel that 12 years is too much for me to absorb and re establish a relationship with him especially as all the memories I have are now not what I thought. He wants us to try to re build something.
Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble but I am stuck and didn't know where else to go. Mumsnet always sounds very supportive and grounded hence this epistle.

She went to his house and they and a lovely day?

Really?

For that alone she deserves all she gets!

She is as bad as him nomama. You reap what you sow.

you don't have 'a lovely day' or anything with someone elses husband.

I could never ever get over this OP. I would immediately separate from him if my dh had done such a thing for 12 years.
Your reaction is not angry enough or in keeping with the massive betrayal, lies and duplicity he's dished out all this time.
The OW is irrelevant from your point of view. It's a horrible situation for YOU and caused by HIM. She didn't kidnap him. He chose to do this, for so many years.
No, I'd definitely be getting out of this if it were me.

So sorry this has happened to you don't do the pick me dance or anything like that unfortunately it sounds like you married Walter Mitty

The other woman is neither here nor there you need to lose your shit at your husband.

Op, you haven't come back to the thread?

Nomama I think she probably already realises, but she's become like a drug addict. She has made that choice, to wait around for someone else's family and life to fall apart in order that she could start her own. She took a gamble and lost. She has no-one to blame but herself. She can't really even blame him can she? That would be like sticking your hand into a fire and complaining bitterly that it burnt you. She knew he was married with children, and those men always come with public health warnings and no guarantees. I personally take the view that a man's wife and family are his responsibility, not anyone else's, so I would never shift the blame onto the OW or make excuses for the MM like the OP is doing.

But neither can I find it in myself to ever feel sorry for an OW who played with fire and got burnt.

In my experience of these things and observing the complicated relationships and marriage breakups of people I have known, if someone really, really loves you and cannot bear to be without you, they will leave their spouse reasonably quickly, no matter what the emotional cost and the collateral damage, because to live a lie for more than a few months becomes unbearable torture.

The people who drag it out for years and years and come up with endless reasons why now is not the right time, but maybe next year or the year after, are the people who will probably never leave, because you are just not that much of a priority for them, whatever they might tell you.

Or if they do eventually leave, it might well be for someone else entirely. I know someone who had an affair with a MM for years, and put her whole life on hold while all her friends were getting married and having children. She found out about 8 years in that he had left his wife for another OW, and had already had a child with her. At that point he broke it off with her completely.

My point was, you heartless mares, was that neither the OP nor the OW deserve what this man did to them both.

I am not condoning the OW, but she must have thought he meant something, or why give him 12 years of her life?

I was offering OP another viewpoint, her original post partially re-written from the OWs perspective, so she could see that ALL of her ire needs to be aimed at her cheating husband. He is the one who has strung them both along for over a decade and needs to be dealt with severely.

I can imagine that he has been telling the OW that he will leave you for her 'one day' but of course he can lie to her just as easily as he can lie to you.
You are trying your hardest to let him off the hook and make him to be the poor innocent victim who was stalked for 12 years.
Your rational mind must know that you have been betrayed by this horrid man that you married. To lie and cheat on someone for 6 months would be bad enough but for 12 years. OMG, it's tragic.
Only you can decide whether to try and stay with this person. I personally would never believe another word he said. He can't be trusted and has lied for so long that he probably wouldn't recognise the truth if it hit him in the face.
I very much doubt she will back off. Why would she? Her victory prize is almost insight now. Personally I would say good riddance and be glad to be free of this lump of trash but of course you have your own painful journey to travel to work your way through this awful mess.

Yes I know I use numpty but was unsure what I could actually post and yes I agree wholeheartedly with all you say. And don't worry he has many extra descriptions to his real name they would take days to post

Thanks for all the posts, they have been very thought provoking and insightful. My sad pathetic spineless shit of a husband saw the OW for 12 yrs but poor cow, it was a very casual relationship and why I never realised is beyond me. She used to appear in shops when we were out together and befriended one of his work colleagues trying to persuade that person to go and work with her when 'numpty' ( aka pathetic spineless shit, pss) and OW had had a fall out. The best thing is that over the 12 yrs they had breaks when they had a fall out! And he would respond to her texts after a few months. Makes me cringe to think he could be so pathetic. He is as guilty as her in all this, as he has strung her along but had told her he wouldn't leave us.
Having found out a bit about her as I knew of her and friends know her, other relationships have been like this for her although tea doesn't help me. No kids anywhere from her, she's in her 50s and he had been snipped. All very continent for them both.
Why do I have to landed with all this crap caused by a gutless shit and a woman out to add scalps to her bed post.

With what he's done you are actually allowed to post very strongly worded insults. He's cockwombling wankweasley dickwitted scum. Mumsnet positively encourages strong language. Good for the soul. Do feel free to post his full, unabridged names!

nfv68rdt no, the was not the best bit The best thing is that over the 12 yrs they had breaks when they had a fall out!

Its not the best bit because he always went back.

So sorry to hear this has happened. You must be in terrible shock.

That is one HELL of a deception.

Agree with previous posters. Even if she is a bunny boiler of the highest order, her 'bitchy, spiteful' behaviour is nothing compared to the absolute gall of your husband. He is a long term liar, cheat and absolute shit by the sounds of it. He has strung two women along in the most callous way.

What on earth is there left to save here? This isnt a marriage, its a sham.

I also wouldn't believe a word he tells you about what went down, how it happened, what he said etc. he has proven himself to be a complete bullshitter. How do you know he didnt promise her the world? I would lay money that he DID...

Take care of yourself, first and foremost, by the way. Get some space away from his lies and excuses and for God sake get some legal advice x

Poor woman. The OW here was too old to have kids and said she didn't like them, think she just liked sex, wherever and whenever she could get it and not just withmy poor pathetic shit of a partner either. And he couldn't even see she was doing that to him too. Idiot

Cheers I will remember those and add to my repertoire as he is all of those and more. When he got back earlier I showed him some of the posts! Thought he was going to keel over, he went very white and all the posts have made me wake up and realise he has been putting a spin on everything he's told me, from his perspective. He's been called out again now, so he can ruminate on what he's read
Cheers

I know iisnt it pathetic him going back for the odd monthly shag and texts, phone calls but if I didn't look at it like I have posted I would be up for murder.

When he got back earlier I showed him some of the posts!

It will have been much less casual than he is telling you.

I would gather all your self-respect and leave.

There is something deeply weird about someone who is capable of living a double life for twelve years.

He's not "poor and pathetic", he's a very clever, coldly manipulative liar, who has deliberately made fools of both you and OW.

Sending you courage nfv. as you will certainly need it.

"The OW here was too old to have kids and said she didn't like them, think she just liked sex, wherever and whenever she could get it and not just with my poor pathetic shit of a partner either."
OP, how do you know these things? Who is the source of this information? I suspect this is what your husband has fed you. So, not content with stringing her along for TWELVE YEARS, he destroys her reputation too?

Try, please, to look at this situation without letting your (entirely justified) emotions get in the way. TWELVE YEARS. Four thousand, three hundred and eighty three days. And he has lied to you on each and every one of those days.

He is not a numpty, he is not pathetic; he is a very, very good liar. An extremely successful liar. As such, anything he tells you needs to be verified by independent sources before you can believe it. Indeed, you would do well to be suspicious of anything he tells you, because to deceive you for so long, so successfully, he must be very good at misdirection. Misdirection is making you look in the wrong place, so that you don't see what he doesn't want you to see. He will say things to you to achieve this misdirection. It seems to me he has told you things about this woman so that your focus will be on her, sneering at her, accusing her - because while you are doing that, you are not looking where you SHOULD be looking which is where he doesn't want you to look. You are not looking at HIM and at his behaviour. And you really, really need to look hard and to look close at HIM.

Do you really think that any relationship, even one that is on-off (and remember, you don't know that it was, you only have his word for that and his word is a lie) that has been going for twelve years does not involve emotions? What is more likely - that she is a bunny boiler (and that's an awfully long time to come to the boil, don't you think?) or that she has been lied to and strung along? Look at it cold and hard - you KNOW which is the more likely!

Oh, and the shagathon? He is the one who had a shagathon! He didn't fall for 'she wanted to see the view'. That is just another lie, to add to the many others. Did you really believe it? Maybe you did, after all he is a very successful liar. Or are you still smarting at having been lied to for so long that it's hard to admit that he is STILL lying to you?

OP, you're entitled to be angry with her; but please, do not let that anger blind you to the real culprit here - HIM. He is the one who you should direct your full ire towards. He is the one who made vows to you. He is the one who had lied to you daily for so very very long. He is the one who took another woman into your bed. And he is the one who is STILL lying to you.

That is a fantastic post Where.

nf you owuld do well to pay very close attention to everything Where just said, and to show your husband it. She is spot on.