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Original poster

ticks all the boxes but one am I selfish

41 replies

ggg123 · 21/12/2014 20:27

I have posted on here about this particular person about 6 months ago. I was unsure of my feelings because I have been hurt before so here I am 6 months later still confused :(
I am a single mum of 3 in my mid 30's and has had a terrible experience with dating over the last 4 years. 10 months ago I met a guy who has become a really nice friend who is caring honest and so thoughtful. He is great with my kids and a great dad to his own. He is yoinger than me and lives with his parents. He has absolutely no plans to move out. I definitely don't want to live with anyone again. He always wants to please me (last post alot of people said he sounded like a robot as he was so over the top within weeks of meeting) its a bit too long to post the whole story so I will get to the question that I can't answer myself.....
I have not slept with him because I have absolutely no desire to :( he's not ugly. I just thought I'd feel different to this. Apparently we don't get fireworks at this age?

OP posts:
antimatter · 21/12/2014 20:34

Fireworks can happen at any age Grin ... I am 48 and can vouch!

Is it that you are too tired and exhausted that you aren't interested in sex in general or in particular with him?

GristletoeAndWhine · 21/12/2014 20:34

Do you have any desire to sleep with anyone? So do you generally lack sex drive, or is it this guy that is just not doing it for you.?

Justwanttomoveon · 21/12/2014 20:36

Oh I really hope we do get fireworks still. Maybe the chemistry just isn't right with this guy, he could just be a great friend, I'm sure if you meet the right man you will want a full relationship with him. You may want this guy to be the right one after a few shit years of dating but you can't force yourself to have feelings that aren't there.

FolkGirl · 21/12/2014 20:41

I'm nearly 40. I certainly don't intend to have a relationship without 'fireworks'. How can you consider a relationship with someone you don't want to have sex with?!

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 20:51

It's just with him. I get annoyed at myself because he isn't ugly. He just agrees with everything I say which is soooooo annoying he just wants to impress me all of the time. I sound horrible but thats annoying he should have his own opinions. I know he would do anything for me. I trust him. I'm scared I won't find anyone that feels this way for me. I am usually a tactile person but it's just not there. I keep thinking give it time.... I keep thinking everyone thinks he's so amazing (family) I keep thinking what if its me. I actually crave that feeling that I haven't felt since my husband (ex) but I was young then. My mum and sister think its me and hes perfect and I'm too old for fireworks. Even though he compliments me I don't feel like I should. When someone feels this way about you arnt you supposed to feel good, want to look good for them, appreciate time to be just you and them? WWant to talk to them all of the time?

OP posts:
JuanDirection · 21/12/2014 20:58

You don't fancy him, move on and let him move on, it's not fair to keep him hanging on. You don't have to have a relationship with someone just because they're a good bet in every other way! Of course you can have fireworks at your age, and you will, just not with him.

gatewalker · 21/12/2014 21:05

ggg -- Follow your intuition; it is wise. Don't settle. No matter what anyone else says. How does he make you feel? Your body never lies.

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 21:15

Thanks for all your replies :)
How does he make me feel ummmm 'safe' I guess.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 21/12/2014 21:21

Your mum and sister are talking out of their bottoms, quite frankly.

They might want to see you settled down with someone. That's fine, they can. But it doesn't mean you have to fall in with what they want.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/12/2014 21:27

Have you even tried to have sex? How close have you got to it? Do you have sexual feelings at all, are you just knackered and frazzled from the kids, or is it him? He sounds lovely but is he too nice/tame/parenty to feel like a sex partner?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/12/2014 21:29

AH just saw your last post. He's in the friend zone, isn't he. Poor sod.

FryOneFatManic · 21/12/2014 21:29

Your mum and sis are willing you to fall in with their idea and settle down.

But you're only mid-30s. Fireworks can and do happen at any age, so I wouldn't be listening to their advice.

I think that if you have no desire for sex with this guy, then decently end it and find someone who you can desire. It isn't you, it isn't him, you just aren't right for each other.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:31

You just dont fancy him... you like the fact that hes nice to your children, so what... throw him back in the pool and look again....

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 21:33

Yes yes thats it but I felt bad saying. I don't want to sound horrible. He's so predictable, agrees with everything and is like a robot saying all the right things. He has been loke it from the day I met him. No not too tired, yes I get tired but I crave that feeling that I'm missing with him. We tried once and it was a complete disaster :( I don't know how to explain without sounding mean but now we just kiss (this is so embarrassing) and I always have kids here or I'm working. When we have spent time alone (a handful of times) I pretend I'm tired. I am being selfish I know :(

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:37

Ok OP... you arent mean, you just dont fancy him... its not a big deal, its allowed! someone else will think hes fantastic, just not you.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/12/2014 21:37

Have you tried telling him that you respect men with their own minds, that he doesn't have to agree with you constantly? Tell him you feel like you're dating an echo, and ask if he genuinely agrees with what you're saying or if he's just trying to be the perfect boyfriend.

Having said all that, it sounds unfixable to me. Dump him after christmas though, eh?

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:39

whats with the dump him after christmas? this is a new thing... go have a great xmas after just saying goodbye.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:42

YOU DONT FANCY HIM... stop trying to make it ok.... you can't dump him in a better way, just tell him you dont want to know.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/12/2014 21:42

Not that new, she's been with him at least six months and it sounds like he's a nice guy who deserves a little mercy, imo.

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 21:43

I have said all of that but its what he's like in general. It's like he's fightened to offend anyone. He definitely wants to be the perfect boyfriend.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:45

There is never going to be an easy dump... just tell him rather than string him along over xmas.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:46

Oh for god sake OP... stop telling us how weak HE is... just move on.

Bartlebee · 21/12/2014 21:47

You clearly don't fancy him.

Move on; you're flogging a dead horse.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 21:48

You are sort of coming across as a cow now... so Id quit whilst you are ahead. Just let him be with someone that appreciates him.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 21/12/2014 21:53

Poor guy. Well, I'm sure you can find a way to break it to him gently. Don't tell him he's been too nice though, can you imagine being dumped at Christmas for being "too nice"? That kind of thing makes people really bitter and twisted. Either tell him that you aren't compatible, or tell him you're too busy with your kids, you're not ready for a relationship, and you don't think you'll ever be ready for sex. (Or he might say he's willing to wait til you're ready)