Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ticks all the boxes but one am I selfish

41 replies

ggg123 · 21/12/2014 20:27

I have posted on here about this particular person about 6 months ago. I was unsure of my feelings because I have been hurt before so here I am 6 months later still confused :(
I am a single mum of 3 in my mid 30's and has had a terrible experience with dating over the last 4 years. 10 months ago I met a guy who has become a really nice friend who is caring honest and so thoughtful. He is great with my kids and a great dad to his own. He is yoinger than me and lives with his parents. He has absolutely no plans to move out. I definitely don't want to live with anyone again. He always wants to please me (last post alot of people said he sounded like a robot as he was so over the top within weeks of meeting) its a bit too long to post the whole story so I will get to the question that I can't answer myself.....
I have not slept with him because I have absolutely no desire to :( he's not ugly. I just thought I'd feel different to this. Apparently we don't get fireworks at this age?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 22:01

Hes not an idiot... Id be honest and say he just wasnt for you... Id also say you werent ready for nice.

dirtybadger · 21/12/2014 22:04

You dont fancy him. Break up. Asap. I know people are saying wait until after Xmas but when you do it he'll know you felt this way over Xmas and feel a fool. Doesn't feel like he deserves the carry on. Tell him you think he's brilliant but you dont have the chemistry you are looking for. Sounds like that's the truth. He'll have family and friends to rally together for him over Xmas and New Year and keep him distracted so don't feel too guilty (I undertake you may feel like you're shooting a kitten by the description of him you've given).

No good can come from a relationship with someone you don't respect/have contempt for. For either of you.

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 22:19

Yes well I did say it's hard to explain without sounding like a cow!

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 21/12/2014 22:23

You don't sound like a cow. I struggle to have respect for some people. Importantly I treat them with respect (and you do with him) though, it's hard to make myself feel differently about them. Onwards and upwards!

I meant understand not undertake also. Whoops.

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 22:23

Thanks for all of your advice :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 22:25

Thankyou :) it's so hard to explain on here but thankyou all :)

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 22:27

If it was the other way round then we would scream about the man being a shit... what do you want? you sounding like a cow, which you are... just stop wondering why you dont like him and let him go.

Mom2K · 21/12/2014 22:28

I had a friend that I considered being with before the twat I ended up with. AMAZING guy - funny, intelligent, I know he would have treated me extremely well, and I know that he loved me. It was a long distance friendship though (we only saw each other a few times a year - but spent HOURS per week on the phone, and communicating through email). I wasn't sure if I was attracted to anything more than his personality though. Sometimes when we got together I thought I was - other times not. In the end I didn't pursue anything more, even though he wanted to, and the friendship ended. I always wonder what would have happened if I at least gave a proper relationship a try, since we stopped being friends in the end anyway. I made a huge mistake after by going for a guy I was phyically attracted to, but who had a crap personality.

If you're not feeling it - it's ok. You can't force what's not there. But I understand your dilemma - if he's a good guy, you probably wish you had chemistry.

delaselva · 21/12/2014 22:30

If you don't want to sleep with him then that's your answer.

Why do you feel you ought to make this happen?

Mom2K · 21/12/2014 22:32

But since you don't have chemistry - I think you need to cut him loose, as soon as possible. It's not fair to him to keep him hanging.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 22:32

You actually knew after a month didnt you? just sort of kept him around for the next 5? Now you are saying you feel bad? err ok.

Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 22:36

Because its like what Mom2K says I'm scared that this is what it's meant to be and having the physical attraction isn't always the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
ggg123 · 21/12/2014 22:37

Mom2K I know it's not fair :(

OP posts:
CrispyFern · 21/12/2014 22:37

You can't make yourself fancy someone. You might not get huge fireworks with someone you date straight away and it may still be worth pursuing to see if feelings grow, but this guy you don't even fancy at all!

Let him go be free. And you'll find someone else you like out there, it's a big old world.

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 22:38

Youre scared so you go with someone for what? Someone that will abate that but you actually spend the next 6 months making him feel weak due to your insecurities. I suggest you stop being "scared" and do the right thing.

GoatsDoRoam · 21/12/2014 22:39

It's been 6 months, it's not going to improve. I know you are trying to be "nice" by not breaking up with him, but if you look at it rationally, your refusal to dump him is very, very cruel. To both of you.

You don't fancy him. It's allowed. Dump him: it's a kindness.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page