I'll try keep this short but the upshot is I'm 47 and my husband is 43. We've been married 11 years, no children. About five weeks ago, we had an argument and I could tell he was different from usual. Usually we argue, fix it quickly, cuddle and it's all ok. So I tried to talk to him and he said I've been treating him like shit the last year. I just never realised. I've had a back problem, I've definitely had depression the last few years likely peaking with the death of my mother six years ago (confirmed by a therapist) but generally I didn't see that I was behaving any differently than usual.
But he's my husband, I love him, I understand marriage is work so I listened, took onboard what he said and I guess my behaviour changed pretty quickly. We have a housekeeper (my husband earns good money) but I started to do things like the washing up or whatever. Sharing in the cooking (he's always insisted on cooking before because he enjoys it but he raised it as one of the things that was annoying him). Little things. And they made me feel really good for some reason that I now put down to that I didn't realise even though I had it all - nice house, cleaner, dog walker, first class flights, whatever - that I was really bored and it was making me unhappy and miserable.
I've spent a lot of time on the internet the past few years. I see now that this was neglecting him and it wasn't making me happy anyway. Just bored I guess and I suppose I like to have opinions to share with people. It's all irrelevant really. The upshot is one of the changes I made was to go to a therapist and that's been helpful because it's helped me identify that I've likely brought patterns into the marriage from my childhood. I had a rough childhood and a pretty abusive mother (who was also inconsistent with her affection). That probably resulted in a personality disorder (likely Borderline) but I display little of the usual symptoms associated with it. The most manifest is that I can be pretty nasty in arguments, tend to be introspective and feel little connection to what I feel or value and otherwise occasionally confrontational. The biggest impact it probably has it that it just leaves me feeling depressed and lifeless. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon to get this diagnosed for sure. The good news is that because I'm older and pretty together otherwise, I've likely managed to self-moderate my behaviour with age. I'm not physically violent and he's always laughed off any confrontations I've had with others (very rare now - maybe one in the last year). I'm not awful - I just lose my temper and will quickly get verbally abusive but there's always a reason and I always calm down. I hate it though and always have and I guess one blessing here is that I finally realise this so I can deal with it. I asked him throughout the marriage if he thought I should see someone and he'd always say it was my decision. I suppose I thought that was good enough and I wouldn't go but I really regret this now because maybe I could have worked on myself sooner and saved this. Even if this is a factor - I don't know.
Anyway, again this is all to give background. He just turned round after a few weeks of everything seeming to be ok and blurted out he wanted a divorce. He won't tell me the specifics and it's driving me crazy. He said he's not been happy for the past year. Understandable. He'd mentioned this a few weeks ago - I listened and took on what he had said and tried my hardest. Then it changed to it was he knew a year ago he didn't love me and then it changed again to it was happening before then. Possibly years. It just "crept up" on him. If I press him any further, he gets defensive and almost like a child. The most I can get out of him is that he doesn't love me. Whatever I say, he replies "I don't love you". It's almost like an attack to try and hurt me. And it really does. The other thing was he "hasn't lived much of a life", that he "doesn't see a future" with me.
So ok, I suppose this happens. People stop loving you. It's so hard to understand. It's just come out the blue too and I asked him why he was cuddling me, talking about the future (we're going to get a car so the weekends are more exciting) right up to the night before he told me, and all he could reply was "I still feel affection for you", and - the worst - "I look back on our marriage fondly". I can't stand it when he says that. We rent where we are at the moment and the lease runs out in March. I said I don't want to make any decisions and just want to process everything. He also says he'd consulted a relationship counsellor but I'm starting to wonder now if he actually has. He didn't seem to like me going to a therapist but then who does. I just can't wrap my head round a relationship counsellor not getting him to try and work with me to save the marriage. I asked him this and he said that he was that determined he didn't love me anymore that she apparently just wanted to help him with his "grief" and "guilt".
I don't understand how you can have grief and guilt about not loving someone any more but then deciding that you're going to divorce them anyway. We also had a substantial sum of money last year that could have at least given me a deposit on a flat or something but that's pretty much gone now because of moving round houses, removal costs, and he started a business as well. That doesn't seem to be going well although he's got one deal on it that will pay off quite big in a few years. I asked him if that would be part of a settlement. I'd just got this news so I guess I blurted it out and he was really nasty. He said he'd just get rid of the company and change the name or something. I don't understand his behaviour. It really isn't like him to be this unkind or shit. It's almost like he hates me. When I've tried to talk to him, I honestly and truly feel like he's saying "I hate you" when he says "I don't love you".
I'm tearing myself up inside. One of the problems with the condition (possible) that I have is that I internalise pain so I will think things like "he never loved me", "I don't really love him", "we were always a mistake". Things like that. I've learned breathing techniques to deal with these though and I've been borderline suicidal at points the past few weeks. That's again another thing. I'm not able to have perspective and I have huge abandonment issues that can cloud my judgement too. Anyway, I'm coping pretty well under the circumstances. I know I've made mistakes. I'm terrified about the future. I have a feeling that he's going to be nasty about a settlement. He's very intelligent and high powered and the way he's spoken to me so far makes me think he just wants me gone and really won't care what happens to me. If I say anything he either says "o here we go with the victim complex again" or "I'll always set you right, don't worry". But how can I trust him now not to shaft me in the future? I'm 47. I could probably work but I'm unlikely to have my own house now or pension or anything. The other weird thing is that once he told me, he acts like I'm supposed to be happy and fine about it. It's totally irrational. I just don't want to talk to him or be anywhere near him because I think he owes me a chance. I really do think that's fair. For better or worse, etc. But he won't even entertain the idea. He's screamed at me that I'm trying to find a "chink in his armour" or sarcasticaly says "oh why? so you can fix it?". I just want to stay away from him. I can't act all friendly with him. He doesn't get it and I can't - it's making me feel sick and anxious if he even talks to me. So patronising and condescending or with this sense of "care" that I know he doesn't mean. Like I'm a patient or his employee or something.
I just can't believe this is my husband. He's always been totally doting and loving and in a way that's been bad for me. I should have worked, I should have had my own career, my own friends. Less dependent on him. We also let our sex life go big time and it's been about four years now. I feel terrible about this but I'd always ask him what to do and he'd say he was fine if we never had sex again. Crazy. I should have pushed but then he's always been kind of non-interested. He has a few performance issues but then I probably do too and just thought maybe one day down the line we'd fix it. What a mistake. But anyway. I see al this now. I can change all these things. I want to and I can and I know that even if he doesn't love me now, he did once. I believe in marriage. The standard it sets. You work through things. I don't know. Anyway, the other thing I realised is that I'm internalising and missed something important possibly. His dad has bouts of major episode depression (kicked off in his 40s iirc) and his aunt has bipolar disorder and part of me is wondering while I'm sitting tearing myself apart if something is happening with him. I noticed it the other night when I was talking to him. He just won't entertain even the slightest discussion and it makes me think that he isn't thinking it through or somehow he thinks I'm the problem and maybe not that he's stressed. He says the "guilt" about not loving me has made him not sleep well and lose a lot of weight (two pants sizes). But these are also indications of depression in my limited knowledge of it. Also, I know you can suddenly start to feel hopeless about the future and start to disconnect from relationships and that you can even develop feeling that you don't have any feelings etc. with it too. The type of depression his dad has is severe and at the chronic end of the spectrum and part of me is really scared something is going on. I asked him to talk to a doctor or therapist just to be sure. Relationship cousellors may not be qualified to pick up underlying issues. Anyway he just sneered when I mentioned it and said "I'll take it under advisement". God, it's so awful seeing him so nasty to me.
I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm still in denial. I just want to cover every angle and possibility and I suppose I wrote all this out and hope someone will read it and tell me what they think. What do I do? I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me any more but I can't see what I've done. I was reading up about midlife crises and I get this because I think I went through one when my mum died but I didn't get help for it. I also thought I didn't love him any more but I fundamentally get love can change or wane but it's always there - you just need to tap it. Anyway, any advice or input? I have very few people I can talk to and no family. Also, I keep reading advice about divorce and people talk about their children and it stabs me in the heart that I never had any with him. I keep thinking if only I had, then I'd at least have a little piece of him to take with me. I don't know. I'm sorry for the length of this. I feel really helpless.