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Original poster

Love Bombing...Is it a reason to worry, Red Flags ?

66 replies

gottafindaman4yagirl · 21/12/2014 09:09

Sorry if this is long, Need advice please. From my description of a man I have started dating someone warned me about Love Bombing.
Google it and its not good, possible psychopath or controlling person.

The man I have been dating I knew from online dating but never met for a date, by chance we ended up at a bar and instantly recognised each other. Didn't talk at bar but he chased me down online and the flattery began. Quickly set up dates and he is constantly texting, offered to help me with some problems I had going on. He tells me constantly that I'm beautiful, all he wants in a women. He text that he's missing me, wants to be with me.
We DTD on fourth date and all went well, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He has been suggesting it from early on but I told him it was too soon to really know each other.
He says he already feels very close to me already, I have not been able to buy all he says.
I grew up with verbal abuse and was made to feel worthless and unwanted up until I left home. Due to this I have built my own self confidence and don't let other people's criticism get into my head.

I was worried I was being too hard on the man in question because of my lack of being able to except or need compliments. Its only how I see myself that matters to me.
I have challenged him quite a bit on his ott comments, he said I was photogenic, perfect and could be a model. I told him I was not happy with comments like that. He apologised, I told him early on I thought he was a player and just flattering me to keep me hooked. He said he's just a nice man and thinks the world of me, wants to be with me and get to know me.

My family think he's just very nice and for once I should except such attention.
He works and I know where, he has access to his children regular, if he was a controlling bad man would two ex partners allow him access.
He's calm around me, acts like a gentleman opening doors, kissed my hand and is very touchy feely person. Compliments my clothes and tells me I'm beautiful when were together.

I do sometimes think someone will jump out with a camera and its all been a wind up.
What Red Flags do I need to take notice of?
Anyone had a man act like this and actually turn out to be a genuine man and relationship material?
All advice welcome.

OP posts:
WhyTheFace · 21/12/2014 10:41

I'm wondering whether you're with my ex.

Huge amounts of attention very quickly, "I love you" said embarrassingly soon, crap sex, utter devotion to me...controlling behaviour, possessiveness, jealousy were all just a short year away.

Don't waste your time.

Twinklebells · 21/12/2014 10:44

I think the fact that you have enough misgivings to start a thread about it tells you all you need to know really.

A whole bunting of red flags I think.

Twinklebells · 21/12/2014 10:46

And btw - if I were you I would do the Freedom Programme - in person is best but you can also do it online for free here

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

Wotsitsareafterme · 21/12/2014 10:53

Dp was a lot like this when I met him and I couldn't enjoy the attention that much because I was always second guessing. Now he's calmed right down because we are quite settle in our relationship. I miss the ott fussing over me now Hmm
He hasn't yet turned in to a loon. Exh was all super keen when I met him and he is def a loon!

HelenaDove · 21/12/2014 18:28

Hi Gotta Hope you are ok.

Cabrinha · 21/12/2014 18:34

Lots of compliments you mention are about your looks.

My daughter loves a cartoon film she has of Swan Lake. The girl grows up with the boy, then they're parted, he comes back, she falls for him. He says he loves her. She says why? He says she's beautiful. She says - and what else? And he is stumped. She looks very sad, but says she can't marry him.
If all he can say to you is that you're good arm candy - I'd pass.

FozzzyBear · 21/12/2014 18:39

I've been lovebombed twice.

The first time, I was 17 and he told me right off the bat he wnated to marry me. We stayed together for years and were very happy. We separated as we grew up, but still love each other in our own way.

The second time he also told me he wanted to marry me right off the bat. I married him, and he fell out of love with the same impulsive speed that he fell in.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 21/12/2014 18:46

I'd be very uncomfortable with this 3 weeks in to be honest.

HelenaDove · 21/12/2014 18:50

And if all he can say is that you are good arm candy and cant come up with anything else......then he is also shallow to boot.
I didnt realise it was only 3 weeks.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 21/12/2014 21:09

Ok, I have read all posts. Had date and tbh I don't feel even slightly anxious around the man. He is definitely ott but I have only known tough love.
I will still be cautious and take things at my pace.
I am not vulnerable but I find I am rather laid back and too excepting.
Thankfully my two dc are my most important priority and if this man does not gain my confidence 100% then I won't hesitate to say goodbye.
Its hard because most men are very distant.

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 21/12/2014 21:34

I know what you mean op , my ex was like this. " your amazing" etc after 1 date.

It's such I shame that I can't take such compliments at face value. Part of me feels that I should be pleased to receive such compliments. The former abused part of me is very wary. It is hard. Listen to your gut op but tbh I think a lot of them do get very enthusiastic. Tell him to go slow.

Louboutin37 · 21/12/2014 21:46

I was love bombed once but what you're describing doesn't sound exactly like that ....yet. (Think engaged in 3 weeks and him moving into my flat in 2 months). So yes he sounds a bit rusty in how to talk it you and he does sound VERY into you, perhaps so much that he's getting carried away.

But you don't have to dump him or take it uncomfortably, start pushing back on it (there's nothing wrong with telling someone when you've just started seeing them that something makes you uncomfortable) if not face to face, say it by text.

His past two relationships sound like grounds for suspicion but they could be his fault or his exes fault, these things are always 50/50.

I'd say carry in seeing him if you really like him, just stay a bit wary and keep running things past this site if you're not sure about it.

dirtybadger · 21/12/2014 22:11

IMO after 3 weeks if you're not "bloody hell he's awesome" and are worrying about things, you're probably on to something. I've seen a few of your posts and some of the guys you've been considering have been bad news. I think you need to be a little more ruthless and less excepting in your selection! You seem to notice the signs (brilliant) but then ignore them anyway. Be pickier!

superstarheartbreaker · 21/12/2014 22:20

Yep...talking about looks only IS a bit of a red flag. My recent ex kept going on about looks but I felt that he wasn't interested in my personality. Guys need to feel love for the personality.
IMO most chemistry comes from personality rather than physicality. What is the chemistry like op?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 22:20

OP, you have posted over and over about this man

You really should listen to your instincts, or at least listen to MN'ers if your own instincts are fucked (which I would hazard a guess that they are)

What are you getting out of these threads ?

dirtybadger · 21/12/2014 22:24

Oh God if this is not a new guy then ditch ditch ditch. He's awful! I assumed it was a new bloke.

Original poster
gottafindaman4yagirl · 21/12/2014 22:42

What I am getting out of these threads is a more experienced view Any I am a very open minded person and appreciate the non judgmental advice of other MNs.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 22:59

Do you do anything with the advice or do you just carry on furtling out other pillocks for us all to point and laugh at ?

hitalownote · 21/12/2014 23:02

Hold on a sec. Two posters have made comparisons that their oh were similar when they started dating and everything worked out fine.
He's a little OTT but maybe you are someone he has fallen head over heals with. Wouldn't we all love a man that was that into us and talking about the future. Yes with children you have to be ultra careful and also look at his history. However, I am similar to you in that I'm not good at taking compliments, i immediately think player. Or that he's a greatsmooth talker.
There are times with other partners I have begged for a sign of a compliment. Take the compliments, don't fret over them, stop overanalysing them. But do take it slow. Tell him you aren't great at compliments that you are enjoying his company but that to take it handy.
I introduced a male friend to a female. Now my female friend wasn't exactly a 'model' but in his eyes she was. I wasn't sure if it would work and she wasn't used to taking compliments and backed off. He was so upset at this and couldn't understand why. Eventually i spoke to either side and told him to relax and stop acting like an excited puppy and her to take the compliments when he gives. She did and started to feel great about herself. They married a year later. All v quick but he had got to a stage in his life he wanted to meet someone and put all effort into it.
Go withthe flow,give it time, don't bother pulling away and playing games,just be honest and open and see how it pans out.

HelenaDove · 21/12/2014 23:04

gotta i couldnt help noticing that in one of your posts you said your mother joked that you should find a rich man
Was she just joking or have you been brought up to believe that a woman has to rely on a man.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 21/12/2014 23:09

If you are asking, you are onto something. Otherwise you wouldn't continue to seek re assurance. It may be that he is lovely but deep down you don't really like him. It could be that you are feeling something is not quite right with him.

If I were you, I would slow the things down until I was sure I wanted a relationship with him. Because it really looks like he is not the one for you and you know it but are trying to push the thought to the side.

Rioux · 22/12/2014 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jingalingallnight · 22/12/2014 11:00

Should your focus be so much on finding yourself a man? With all your posts and threads about your latest man (assume they are all different?) you must be emotionally exhausted by it all. Honestly, you could consider taking a break and lead a normal life with your children for a while. Your username says it all.

FolkGirl · 22/12/2014 13:27

All v quick but he had got to a stage in his life he wanted to meet someone and put all effort into it.

If I ever marry again, I want it to be because I've met someone who is perfect for me and for whom I am perfect. The thought that someone would be putting an effort into winning me over simply because they were ready for it sounds terribly cold :-(

HelenaDove · 22/12/2014 16:35

." I'm sure that was one of those comments that got put into type, that are most likely said thousands of times in KITCHENS"

Im not misandric at all. Ive never heard of a young man being told by his mother or father to find a rich woman.

Rioux youve been waiting to say that since i called you out on your flippant comment about some women being "bikes" on the dating thread.

I havent said anything misandric at all so its a bit weak really.