Feeling aggrieved

[seasider123]

Hi there
I really need some help to put my life into perspective please.
I lived a reasonably uneventful life until very recently but now it has imploded.
3 months ago, my DP's step father became ill and sadly has very recently died. During his illness, by a cruel twist of fate, my own father was diagnosed with the same condition and it's touch and go if he will make it until Christmas.
So DP's side of the family is bereaved and I am going through hell watching my DF suffering and slowly dying.
DP and I have tried to manage. He would travel up to stay with his DM and I would hold the fort at home and keep my DF going in hospital.
DP has been as supportive all round as he can be.
However...his bereaved and newly widowed DM is obviously lonely and wants to spend time with her son, my DP. Understandable. But after a particularly harrowing hospital visit to my DF, I was completely pissed off that DP had invited her to stay at short notice. I felt I needed some quiet time at home, as it's my coping strategy, not days of MIL and her grief. I wouldn't refuse but just felt immense pressure, panic and annoyance that I wasn't given any option anyway.
So...DP went mad and threw me out. He says I am callous, unsupportive and selfish. 8 days on, I am not allowed back except to pick up my belongings and I am alone with my father's impending death, no home and no relationship.
I struggle to know if I was being unreasonable to DP or if he was to me. Or if we are both guilty. For the record, I did apologise for my outburst and gave no indication to MIL I was upset and struggling when she arrived.
(ex)DP is still furious with me for all this and says I got what I deserved. Did I? I just need some input to help me process what he is saying.
Any help will be greatly appreciated.

"I said, oh no what about me, I don't think I can manage this right now, I need space and comfort in my home, not talk of death etc"

i can easily see how that wouldn't have come across well, yes.

The guy has invited his recently bereaved mother to stay, I think that many partners wouldn't care about being consulted in this case, so I can see how he had a bad reaction to what OP said.

Not that that excuses him overreacting & throwing her out, of course!

I could never forgive a man for treating me like this. I am very sad for you but I hope you will think carefully about letting him back into your life. I think he has shown you who he really is.

One wonders whether he would have been ok with one of OP's relatives coming to stay when his DSF was at the same stage as OP's DF, or whether the stress he was under would have caused him to say no.

seasider I do not think what you said was terrible. You said what you felt, you did not tell his mother. You are both under stress. He has no respect for you and has behaved appallingly.

You said DP does have a tendency to over react if he feels hurt by me so I guess I should've expected this. That sounds more than a tiny bit like you having to look out for his feelings and submerge your own needs below his! Is that the case? Are you sometimes walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting him or are you comfortable around him normally?

And you said ... I have asked him to look at a shared home where we are equal, but he won't entertain the idea as his non resident daughter needs the stability of living close to us. But that leaves me vulnerable, I know that.

So his daughter’s needs come ahead of your needs, even though he does not live with his daughter? And to be honest you are presumably not asking him to move away from the area near where she lives you are asking to have a home which you share or rent equally? Am I right?

I just wish he had discussed it instead of presenting it as a fait accompli...like everything else. Does '...like everything else mean' that he normally assumes he makes decisions?

He sounds utterly controlling.

I agree with BrowersBlues tell someone in real life. BrowersBlues said If I was a friend of yours I would be outraged and would want to comfort you. Could you tell someone just to get some support for yourself? I know your dad is critically ill but that doesn't mean that you don't need support too.

Yes, Yes and Yes again. You need support too. Your dear dad would want that for you. I lost my dear father 10 years ago and my mum was devastated but not once would I have treated anyone the way this man has treated you.

Whatever happens I really feel you must tell friends in real life. If you really feel your father will be upset, if he has no idea what your dp/ex is like, then just swear any family or friends to secrecy around you dad.

You need support because people will presumably be thinking your partner/ex will be supporting you at this time and if he is not - which he is clearly is not! then you need support from others.

You do not mention any other family? Is there anyone else, aunts, cousins etc? Are there close friends you can turn to? Work colleagues?

You also say DP is a kind and well respected man and his family are his top priority.

I cannot see how he is kind.

And most scarily …he doesn't see it as a whim, he sees it as me being selfish and immature about his needs and therefore I suffer the consequences of being unsupportive towards him.

So how does he see this all panning out, you come back humbly apologising and he lets you stay or you just split up?

Run for the hills seaside. You are well out of it. Build a life for yourself maybe you will meet a partner who is mature enough to care for you.

He sounds like a complete monster to me. You need to "suffer the consequences of not supporting him?" And to "be told straight?"

"Selfish about his needs?" And what was he being about your needs?

He doesn't sound in the least bit kind to me and I'd frankly be doubting the fact that he's well-respected too, to be honest.

This was a rather extreme response by your partner. It may be because he is under a lot of stress/pressure or/and you were extremely unreasonable. If your account is correct - that you simply voiced your annoyance at the unexpected plans - then this is not a relationship I would advice you to remain in.

Yet, given you paint a picture of a normal and reasonable man, I cannot help but feel that there must be more to your behaviour that elicited such a brutal response.

Thanks all, for your responses. I will try to respond to all the questions.
Yes, he does have form for this. He has thrown me out before when we have disagreed on issues in the past and then we have talked and I have come back. Hence why an equal house might've prevented such drastic action.
I didn't say anything nasty about him or his DM, just that I couldn't cope with it although I did get more heated once he shouted at me. I'm saying he is kind and reasonable because he has visited my DF in hospital and listened to me when I've been sad or upset about it.
i do know it was wrong to be uncaring about his DM's visit.
DP didn't throw me out the first night we had this set to, it was the following night when I arrived back from hospice visiting. I sensed an atmosphere and his DM went out while DP demanded to know if I was sorry.
DP has said his DM is disappointed with me and so was he.
He had no idea if I had anywhere to go when he told me to leave. I didn't. I sat in a layby wondering what to do and then drove to my own DM for the night.
He is very proactive with his DM and I recognise she needs his support more than ever. I want that for her too from him, I just spilled over because I am having a bad time.
I know DP expects me to support everyone because he feels he is managing to and that I am letting him down by not.
I've often wondered if he is controlling but I'm not sure if he is. He doesn't tell me what to do and most of the time he is kind and thoughtful. it's just me who feels that I'd like more input in some major decisions when they affect me that's all.

And I appreciate all opinions so thanks diddl. I needed to know if I was in the wrong.

Why not stay away for 6 months or so and see how you feel after that?

I'm sorry, but I'm seeing such a mis-match between what you say he is (kind, thoughtful, reasonable, respected etc..) and what his actions and words are telling us about him.

No thoughtful or kind man would "demand" to know if you were sorry, or throw you out of your home (regardless of who owns it) when you'd just returned from visiting your father in a hospice. Or at any time, come to that.

He had no idea if I had anywhere to go when he told me to leave. But he threw you out anyway? This is appallingly cruel behaviour on his part.

What are you doing with this man?

I don't think that you were in the wrong. You are in a very tense situation and it is absolutely normal that tempers will get frayed. What bothers me is that he threw you out of your home not knowing if you had anywhere to go. Maybe he assumed you would go to your DMs. This isn't the first time though and it probably won't be the last.

What is even worse is that you will modify your behaviour to keep him sweet. That is so damaging for you. I know you are not in a position to make big decisions at the moement so maybe you should just take things easy and get Christmas behind you and focus on your dad.

Take care of yourself x

He has thrown you out before!

You would be a fool to go back again. Because he will do this again.

Once can be forgiven. Twice is a pattern to do the fuck as he expects or get out of his house.

That is unforgivable.

It is 5 days before Christmas, your dad is dying and he doesn't give a shit where you have to sleep as long as he can punish you.

Get any presents back to the shop for a refund. Seak legal advise on any money you have paid into his property and get rid.

You deserve better.

"And I appreciate all opinions so thanks diddl. I needed to know if I was in the wrong."

I don't think that it's as simple as saying you were wrong though. I thought that what you said wasn't that great and I can see why he might have taken what you said badly.

BUT, not to the point of throwing you out or regretting what he said immediately.

He sounds worse with every post. As for bad mouthing you to his mum-what is that all about?

His mum needs support, (maybe he does also), but so do you.

And he has thrown you out before?

just awful.

Does he make it seem that he is doing a great favour by having you back & that you are lucky to have him?

He might be able to be kind, but he is obviously able to be nasty & vindictive as well.

From what you write, OP, I think it's very likely that your partner is emotionally abusive. You may not be able to see it because he has such control over you and your sense of right and wrong. He has basically "punished" you for expressing your feelings and needs, which you feel "guilty" about (you shouldn't) and you seem to think that's ok. It rings alarm bells for me.

Nothing you have said has made him sound any better ,especially the fact he repeated your words to his mother. Is he a mummy's boy seeking her approval by showing her he is putting her first? Not just on this occasion but others too?

It sounds to me like he and MIL egged each other on while you were gone.

You wouldn't treat a dog the way he has treated you. Please don't go back to him. Ever. I hope you can get some support in RL.

My reaction would be to make an appointment to go and pack and collect anything of yours and make sure you take someone with you. He is less likely to get abusive/nasty with an audience.

No wonder he doesn't want a shared house, it takes the power and control away from him for you to have an equal right to be there.

What a thoroughly nasty, abusive and controlling bully.

I find his mothers behaviour insensitive and a little strange to say the least. Your poor Dad is in a hospice and she's tittle tattling about you to her son? Did her empathy die with her husband or has she always been this callous.

He and his mother sound like two peas In a pod, yes he sounds like an uncaring arse who sees his woes as trumping yours.
I think their behaviour is despicable and deliberately cruel, especially at this time of year and your on going grief.

Ide tell them both to get to fuck and look for new digs.

For you op and so sorry about your dear Dad.

How are you doing Seasider?

I would have expected for his family (him included) to be hyper sensitive to the way YOU are feeling due to the fact that your father seems to be going down the same route that his step-father did. From what I can see, he is so completely wrapped up in how his family is feeling, he is being utterly, utterly, disgustingly insensitive to you. I honestly can't see a way out of this, OP, this is beyond the pale - he should be seeing you and your feelings in the same way as he was having them 6 months (or however long ago it was when his DM had to face up to the reality of losing her DH) ago. This is vile.

My DP and I have a long standing history of parents with long standing serious illness. When one or the other of us is off because of it, we recognise the signs, and we deal with it (I send DP off to play computer games, he cooks for me badly). We muddle along as best we can, supporting each other, and we take each other's feelings into account - and I'm really sorry, but I don't think your "D"P is doing this for you - a partnership is supposed to be just that.

I'm so, so sorry you have been treated this way, but I suppose, at least some family members know this has happened, surely they are as disgusted as your virtual friends are that you have been treated this way. This is not right.

It's not you. A decent man would want to care for you and support you. You are well out of this "relationship". It's all about him isn't it? I spent years in a relationship like that and it is only with hindsight that I can see how one-sided it really was.

Focus on yourself and on what you need to do to deal with your DF. I'm sorry you are having such a sad time. Keep going until you are through the other side. It will get better and one day you will look back and be amazed that you ever cared what this man thought!

Seasider how is your dad?

Do not go back. Ever.