apologies, this is a long story, but i feel so lost.
1 week ago my husband and partner of 6 years, father of my twin 3yr old girls, told me he wants to separate. To be more precise, he said he didnt know how he felt/what he wanted, only knew he couldnt go on feeling like this; basically he has no self esteem or confidence cos ive knocked it out of him with all my verbal putdowns.
He never once came to me and said sit down we need to talk but he says he tried talking to me about how he felt and I always dismissed it out of hand. Maybe I did. Bit I was so wrapped up in my own unhappiness I didnt see his.
He always promised me he would come to me and talk if there was ever anything wrong, that wed never let things get that bad. We both promised this to each other, and periodically renewed this promise. There were many opportunities for him to approach me at those times and others when I wasnt het up about something or poorly or just plain fed up.
I tried talking to him about the things that were bothering me but rarely did I feel he understood and there was not much change really. Perhaps difficulty just accepting him as he is was my main problembut I kept trying to solve any problems and didnt give up.
It was always the little things for me. He could never see the importance of the little things or that simply being important to me should have given them some importance to him too. I ended up feeling resentful and fed up and not listened to by him. So I spoke to him like shit. And didnt listen to him either.
Things werent always that bad, they got worse when after trying for a baby for a while we found out I was pregnant with twins. Joyful news although it was a shock. My pregnancy was very difficult, a few complications that had a huge impact on me and consequently affected my husband too. Our babies were fine, the complications just affected me. I was in a lot of pain and had to go off sick from work at 4mths pregnant. We had few friends in the area as wed not long moved there and I became quite isolated and eventually housebound in order to manage the pain. Its a very hazy memory to me but I must have made life difficult for him too. I was very irritable and just very unhappy and worried about coping with 2 babies.
The birth was also traumatic, as was the postnatal period and I didnt return to work for a total of 22mths. The babes were fine though. I kept telling myself that it was okay, as long as it was me and not them then id put up with anything. The pain was worth it, I could cope as it would eventually go. It did but it took nearly 2 years. Our girls are the pride and joy for both of us.
We did the childcare between us, I worked on his days off and vice versa.too expensive any other way and we needed the money so I had to work. Consequently we didnt see much of each other but it seemed to be going okay, I was on reduced but still full time hours and although I was really tired I enjoyed being back at work.
That was okay until we started needing to do overtime because the flat we had that we couldnt sell lost its tenant so we had that mortgage money to find as well as our own rent. We were kicked out of one of our rented homes too which made our financial situation even worse; cost of vacating and moving again after only 6mths there etc (prohibitive). Then I had a difficult time with some ill health which looking back I think was related to ongoing work related stress etc but thats hindsight and only a recent realisation, at the time I just thought I was exhausted.. I had also been left with a pregnancy related problem and this was just beginning to physically impact on my work/ability to do my job.
I had become so unhappy I considered seriously whether we should separate but he would have none of it and after getting to the bottom of some of our problems things began to improve and my feelings for him started to return. Things got better.
Just when our girls turned 3 we were buying our own house and finally moved into it this summer. We were so relieved to finally have our own place. A lovely home to bring up our gorgeous girls. But obviously things werent right. Just before moving, my wrist problem got a lot worse and I was eventually seconded into another role but for a while I was on reduced salary which placed us under even more financial pressure so he worked all the hours he could and I never saw him.
Our relationship was suffering big time and although I was aware of it on one level and tried talking about this because we needed the money his response was you know why Ive got to work. Of course I knew, it didnt change anything though so I grew resentful and kind of gave up I think. Id say something, he wouldnt reply, id say did you hear? Hed say yes.id say so answer me then hed say I did.id spout off hed spout back id say something like if you dont like it then you know what you can do.etc etc.
Words. Just words, but they have been so damaging. I cant take them back. But I never meant them, they were simply my greatest fear.
But he never came to me in quiet time and said we needed to talk.
I feel so let down. So hurt. So utterly heartbroken I cant even describe it adequately.
I know I have to stay strong for my girls but I feel so bereft, so helpless to right things, I love him and I want our family to stay together, as a happy family of course. But hes feeling so hurt himself he can only see how ive made him feel and he feels ill just do it again. He cant see how his actions have also impacted on me.
So now he wants to separate. We have a house that we will lose money on and infact end up with debt due to early redemption fees etc. we already have plenty of debt. Weve just bought a car and paid for a few days in Disney paris and bought a new sofa. Literally just done those things in the last 2 mths.
I feel so very hurt and let down but also livid about the financial situation this will place us in. i wish hed come to me before he felt this bad we could have been trying to sort all our problems without it coming to this but he says i wasnt very approachable. but most of all I just want my husband to change his mind and say, lets try again and come to some counselling.