"But we took you to stately homes!!!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

It's December 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
October 2014

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hello you lovely ladies. I have dipped in and out of these threads for the last few years under different usernames concerning 'ishooos' that I have had with my mother that has led to me being completely cast out of my family of origin which is very large with 7 siblings and all their families.

I basically want to know WWYD in my shoes? Would you fight to get back into the family for the benefit of your DCs knowing their relatives while carefully supervised or would you just say 'fuck them' and never think of them again (something I can't keep up for very long)?

In brief, I confronted my mother about my abusive childhood where I had the role of the 'scapegoat' due to my similarity to my father and his side of the family (I believe). My father left my mother when I was around 6/7, never paid any maintenance, was a drunken bully and a monster of a man who ruined my mother's life apparently (the family 'legend'). Only myself and my older brother (golden lad) were the products of that marriage but my father was a hated figure by the whole family. I contacted my father after over 30 years in 2009 before I confronted my mother and of course, she and my siblings all decided that the confrontation was influenced by him and I had betrayed my mother and caused her 'unforgivable' hurt. I only actually met my father once in a shopping centre cafe! I couldn't have a relationship with him as firstly I was still afraid/not trusting of him due to the family 'legend' and secondly because I realised how bitter I was that he had left me with my mother. I only contacted him because I wanted to see if he could be a grandfather to my DC as my mother/stepfather and siblings had never shown much interest in them but I realised I wanted the happy ending to the fairytale which I was not going to get as it was way too late.

So for the past 2 years, myself and my DC have been thrown out of the clan, missing 3 big weddings (not invited), no Xmas contact at all with DC and complete silence from everyone. When I have tried to contact them myself, my siblings have said they won't want to be involved and their loyalty is to my mother not me.

It has been extremely painful and rationally I know that being NC with them should be a positive thing for me as every time we met I would be cast in my old role and my DC were given negative roles as well - DD was a 'little bitch' and my DSs were the 'horsemen of the apocalyse'. They snubbed DD when she sent them all Xmas cards this year with her number in asking them to call her (she's 18 now).

The thing is, it wasn't my choice and it has just compounded the sense that I am notf important and don't matter to anyone and nor do my DC. My mother cut of contact with her own family and also the families of two of her husbands so myself and my siblings never knew our extended families - aunts/uncles/cousins etc. I am fucking raging that she has now made the same thing happen to my DC. I do not want her history to repeat itself with me!

So do I fight them and refuse to be shut out any longer or keep silent and isolated with my tail between my legs? I have such shame and guilt that I am in this situation although it is not me that should be carrying it!

Your family of origin are not worthy of you or your own family unit now. They are truly not worth at all fighting for; they are not interested in hearing your side of the story. I presume this has happened because in your mother's eyes you remind her of her hated husband somehow perhaps in looks (I note your brother was her golden child). It is not your fault this has happened to you but toxic crap like this does filter down the generations (was not really surprised to see that your mother had also cut her own family and two of her ex H's families off as well; it suggests an awful lot about your own mother).

You may not think so at all but you are really in a far better position that these "golden children"; their role is really not without price. Your children do not and will not benefit from seeing you as their mother further denigrated. Other relatives who either ignore your children or call them insulting terms should be ignored also. Such people do not change. They would be better off culturing relationships with people of all ages in their own real life circle than to be lambs to the slaughter out of some quaint notion or societal convention ideal that children need to see their grandparents. Some people really should not have any access to their grandchildren and your mother is a case in point.

I would stay no contact with them and keeping walking away from them as well.

Any shame you feel is totally misplaced on your part honestly.

Many children now adults of such toxic parents and upbringings have FOG in spades (fear, obligation, guilt). That needs to be properly dealt with now.

Presumably as well confronting her did not a lot of good either. Toxic people like your mother like nothing more than a) a fight and b) the last word. Also such people never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions.

I would consider seeing a therapist but you must and need to find someone that has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Therefore the first person you see may not be the right fit for you.

Hi Bubble, Why would you want to "fight" to get back into a family so your kids can know their relatives, when these lovely, caring family members have called your child a "little bitch" OMG!!!!

If anything you should be PROTECTING them and running fast in the other direction! You really want to seperate yourself and your kids from the nasty, toxic lot of them. Let them get on with their miserable existance.

If anyone called my daughter ( esp family members FFS) such nasty names I would wanna tear their fucking heads off, "family" or not!!

You are better off without them and I 2nd what Attila has posted.

DD was a 'little bitch' and my DSs were the 'horsemen of the apocalyse'.

wow.

Keep silent and isolated with your tail between your legs? No, YOU shut THEM off and make the decision for yourself and your children.

This behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. To victimize a child because she looks like her father? it's understandable that it might unnerve someone that you looked like him but it is absolutely not ok that she didn't get over it. To keep victimizing you was wrong.

In your situation it's very easy to become like an unwanted puppy who keeps returning in desperate hope of affection and bonding to the owner who ought to treat it well but kicks it. It does sound as if you long for that closeness with your family that your other siblings have.

But sadly, you never will. Not because of you, but because of them.

If you need reassuring, it was perfectly reasonable of you to want to meet your father and to meet him. Your mother's reaction is cruel.

Stay strong, even when you don't feel it. Yes it will hurt a lot, being shut out of a family does (I know). But honestly, given how they behave to you and to your children, it is best to keep away.

i always think that of these situations Meerka .. you wrote this:

unwanted puppy who keeps returning in desperate hope of affection and bonding to the owner who ought to treat it well but kicks it.

this is attachment theory at its worst, as it trauma bonding/fractured attachments, so much the harder to break, and messes with your head about where responsibility and boundaries lie.

Its at the core of most of our convo's on here. Very sad indeed.

Its having to be happy with scraps, or none, and no life to indoctrinate another generation into.

but its also painful to get away from it, but i think getting away is essential, but it does depend on the role you were given how much strength there is for doing that.

The women here are strong, the things they have overcome and vociferous in supporting others out.

Don't know what to say other than Thank You to all of you . I honestly don't know where I'd have been without this forum and the wise words of you ladies since I have been going through this. It is not something that you can talk about freely in RL (don't have anyone to talk about it with anyway), nor would you be able to communicate with people who know exactly what you are on about as it is so damn complicated with layers and layers of shit to unravel.

Atilla - the fight, the last word, never apologising or taking responsibility for her actions - goodness me, you got her in one.

Chimi you are so right. FFS why can't I wake up!

Meerka - Excellent summation with the puppy quote. I do sometimes feel like I have regressed to being having the emotions of a child again while I have been trying to work my way through this, it's very odd. This isolation from the 'family' feels very much like how I felt when I was sent to my room constantly as a child. I need to man up and get past this fucking pain before I can move on and not care.

I can say to myself 'fuck em', forget em' and I do for a bit but I always come back to it. Looking for reasons to feel guilty, trying to figure out what I can do to make it all OK. One thing certain is that I will NEVER apologise to my mother. I sometimes feel relief that I never have to see any of them again then I swing back to 'what if one of them dies and I don't know'. Back and forth, back and fucking forth!!

Bubble - I have recently washed my hands of the remainder of my (estranged) mother's side of the family, my Granda and 2 uncles, due to a very eye-opening and unpleasent visit before Xmas.

I sent an e-mail, voicing my feelings re the visit. No response. I then printed it out and snail-mailed it, no response. I actually wasn't expecting any but it just goes to further confirm my suspicions, if so-called family can just stop all contact like that, so easily, then they never give a fig about me in the first place.

Any reasonable and well-balanced person would be like " OK let's discuss this like the adults we are....We've got our differences but we're family and we love eachother. No problem is so bad it can't be rectified with a good old chat!" Yeah right....and now back to the real world where dysfunctional families abound!

I actually think to myself "How much of a bloody naive sap am I? To actually presume family should love one another?!" A family, that love eachother through all the trials and tribulations that happen in life.....Imagine that?? Sometimes I think I came down with the last shower!

It took me nigh on 20yrs to go NC with my mother (hate actually acknowledging I have one tbh ) so I understand the difficulty in accepting they just don't bloody love you. They don't even like you! I'm generalizing, not aimed at you directly, Bubble. But these are the stark realities we face. I can't say I blame people for burying their head in the sand and tolerating it for years and years. The truth is awful in the cold light of day!

But much like the Battered Wife Syndrome, the nasty, abusive husband never changes, nor does the abusive family, I'm sorry to say. It's up to us to wake up, draw on reserves and any support going, and get the fuck out of there!

It's only a shame that, a child can be removed and rescued, if sexual/physical abuse is reported. The perpetrators prosecuted and made to pay for their crimes. But emotional abuse is something that will never get punished and the child remains, in situ, for years at the mercy of the perpetrators. Becoming more and more damaged in the process, and finally, dragging all of those issues into their adult life.

This board is full of these damaged people, we can see how this is manifested in what these people write about. The best thing, in my experience anyway, is to think of yourself as a survivor and not a victim.

Ditch the "victim" mentality, draw a line under the past and start a new ( arsehole-free!) chapter in your life. Seriously, Zero Tolerance for Arseholes and negative Fuckwits should be my new mantra

Peace out.

Hi everyone, just wondered if anyone would have any advice for me on this thread?

My sister and I have never got on. We always fought like cat and dog when we were kids. My sister was always prettier, cleverer, slimmer than me. My dad always seemed to favour her over me. As a result, I have very low self esteem and no confidence. My mum was lovely and treated us the same. I was very close to my mum and we were best friends until she died some years ago.

Unfortunately things have not improved as we have got older. Sometimes she'll be friendly and then she' ll cut me out of her life for a time. I'm not perfect - I can be moody and aloof. But I have tried to be a good sister - I've looked after her child for free when she went back to work, Ive babysat her kids so she can go out. I've tried to be friendly and asked her to do things together but she usually says no, it's only ever on her terms. I am really hurt by the way she behaves towards me - to everyone else, she's lovely but she keeps me at arms length, it's almost like a power trip. I've been dropped recently and my children who,like to see her children, their cousins are upset. They ask me what's going on but I cany answer as I don't understand it either. Our children attend the same school - I saw her in the playground today, I was pleasant and said hi etc but she as very off. I left in tears.

I know that if I apporach her, she'll be very aggressive - I know from previous experience. I can't face any more arguments, Ive done nothing!! But as my kids are now getting hurt by these games, is it time to walk away? I'm moving from the area soon and she won't know where I am - have I just been a doormat?

I am so sad this evening, I was fooling myself distracting myself with worrying about stupid little things like play dates.

I've lurked here before but haven't posted. I came here today with something that's bugging me and this just totally hit the nail on the head:

unwanted puppy who keeps returning in desperate hope of affection and bonding to the owner who ought to treat it well but kicks it.

My counsellor recently observed that my parents' behaviour often came as a surprise to me. It has dawned on me that I had this ideal vision of my parents in my head and kept blocking out the truth, kept being hurt and disappointed. My counsellor says it was a survival strategy and was effective when it was needed.

I knew I had blamed myself, thinking I had just somehow failed to accept my parents because there was something wrong with me. But I'm only just noticing how utterly deluded I was and it's come as a shock. I feel either stupid or devastated. Stupid is more comfortable, clearly...

pleasepassthewine hello.

It's clear you want a close and loving relationship with yoru sister but she is not quite feeling the same way.

The best thing you can do is actually back off. If she's distant and unpleasant, play it cool. Unfortunately I think the best thing you can do is play it cool all the time; if she blows hot and cold, then responding to the good warm times will 1) only hurt more when she blows cold and 2) give her some power over you, strangely enough. She will know that when she is nice to you, you respond. All she has to do is be nice, to get stuff.

Secondly but just as importantly your children are getting hurt here. Because of that, I think again that you have to back off and be more distant yourself. Again, it's really going to hurt them if there are warm times, whne the cold times come. For their sakes, I think you need distance.

And yes you need to stop doing things for her unless she reciprocates to the same degree. You are not a toy to be picked up and put down depending on how useful you are to her at that time.

So I'd say be pleasant but don't initiate contact unless she does; don't really trust it when she's warm becuase you know that the cold times will come; and protect your children by keeping some distance even in the good times.

If your instincts are saying 'it's almost like a power trip" then i think you need to sit up and pay attention to them. Instincts aren't always right but they can sometimes give powerful and justified warnings.

I'm sorry, it means giving up the hope of permanent warmth and closeness to her. But that warmth and closeness isn't what she wants. You can't fix that.

peppermint .... the shock of having to face things as they are is so painful.

If it's any help, once you stop trying desperately to blame yourself and grieve for the parents you should have had, you actuallly start to feel personally more powerful.

(< now to put into practise again what I've just said, groan>)

misc Hugs to you. I know it feels like riding a wave of grief sometimes. Please don't think that you are fooling yourself: sometimes your system needs a break from thinking about your losses and needs to focus on something else. Your grief is still very fresh and it will feel easier as time passes. Please keep holding on and post here all you need. How has your DS been today?

peppermint I know exactly what you mean. I have been very deep in denial about my mum's actions/words because it was just too painful to think I was totally on my own in the world with no loving parent figure.

pleasepassthewine It sounds like your DF was at the root of the problems between you and your sis. Is he still in your lives?

Thanks Meerka and pocketsaviour. It's like I have this false picture in my head and I keep discarding reality in favour of it, even now. I've done some grieving, long way to go yet. It's just a shock that I've fallen into an even bigger chasm than I realised.

I always thought there must be something wrong with me as otherwise how could someone live with me and not treat me humanely. It's really hard learning to believe otherwise.

It's weirdly easier to think that it's our fault if someone doesn't treat us well, than that it's their fault. You can see it with parents really, we are so utterly dependent on them for survival at all when we're small.

I sometimes think that in an ideal world there should be an assessment to see if people are good enough to be parents. Though that would be appallingly totalitarian! But honestly, some people just shouldn't be.

Hello to peppermint and pocket and pleasepassthewine.
My little issue with mil seems to be resolving itself. She popped round this morning while I was having breakfast with the kids (Dh at work). I told ds not to invite her to the park as we are seeing her for lunch later. He didn't and she made it clear she was just popping in. It was her birthday yday so we took her for coffee in the afternoon and are having lunch with her today. She said yday she hadn't been out all day as she hadn't needed to do any errands and dh told her she needs to go out each day even if.it's just a walk round the village. He.said to the other day "I wasn't her to be ok and happy but I don't want her to depend on me for everything" so thankfully we're on the same page. Mil was saying she might go and stay with her sister when we go on holiday in the summer, which is good. Better than dm who just expected us to never go anywhere even overnight.
Was reading my old threads Kat night and stuff from this time last year. Dear God, what a fucking nightmare she was....for years. Such dysfunction. So glad it came to NC and that she left.

Meerka - hello

Thank you for your advice. It is a sad situation - to everyone else she is really nice, a cool sort of person. I would like to have been friends but I think things have now gone too far. She seems to be doing to my children what she has done to me for all these years - made to feel second best and I can't allow that. She is the type of person that everyone else loves, very friendly, handing out compliments etc but when I do see her she never says anything nice to me. She's made some snide comments about me to my husband in the past such as 'she has a new skirt, nice to see, after all she doesn't have many nice things does she?' We're not kids anymore, we're in our 40s so unfortunately I don't think it will change. If I try to speak to her she will be very argumentative and I don't think my flimsy self confidence and self esteem can take anymore. Interestingly my husband - a intelligent man who has known her for many years - says it's a power trip and says I should walk away. My dad is still alive but is severely disabled. When he became I'll and the shit really hit the fan guess who was there to pick up the pieces?? Me x

mmmm sometimes someone who seems lovely has a side that only one other person sees - usually someone perceived as 'lesser' or conversely, someone they are strangely jealous of. It's pretty unpleasant, not least because no one else has a clue what you're seeing and wouldn't believe it.

It doesn't really matter the reason, if it's not something that can be solved by talking (and you're clear that it won't be), it's not ok for her to be doing this either to you or especially to the children. Sadly, it's probably right to distance yoruself for their sake as well as your own.

It doesn't have to be cutting her out, but you can stop making the effort and most of all, if she comes on all warm again, still play it cool. It's a mean game she's playing with your children and it's better to keep her at a distance than let them go through the affection / disappointment cycle repeatedly. It's also not good for them to see that people can play that hot/cold game and that it's okay to put up with it.

Trying to be min contact and keep getting calls or if i don't answer the phone texts with instructions to call straight away, sometimes every week or every couple of weeks usually to be quizzed about something she has over-analysed or trying to manipulate me into agreeing to something before I realise what's going on - and if i don't call straight away then i tie myself up in knots stressing about what it is about.

So help - how do others do min contact? i'm thinking of turning my mob phone off after 10pm, my partner won't ever answer our home phone at all in case it's her. I was aiming for one call a month.

Now i feel guilty.

Hi EssexMummy I would turn your phone off earlier tbh. If she is causing this much stress it is far better to not be contacted after about 6 or7 latest. As this way you get time to process it and 'come down' during your evening, having plenty of relaxation time.

no guilt, shedding the guilt is one of the big steps out for us.

PPthewine Its very insightful and true what Meerka is saying about the attract/reject cruel cat and mouse game. She needsto know you are on the end of that piece of string, so that she can be sure that when she tugs you will come running.

She will not be happy unless she knows she has you at her beck and call. She won't cope well unless sheknows that. So she will get angry when she faces the reality, but thats no reason for you to feel guilt... simply none

Isn't it the same for all of them!

and the same for all of us, you can only survive by making attachments with your parents (in the absence of anyone else) but the your parents the strongest, above all else, so you have to blame yourself, because we evolved to look to our parents as our protectors and role models (what a load of ol' shit! truly!) how crap is that when you have parents who couldn't care less about you, so then you have to believe its you, becausee if you don't as a child you would break completely. It is too much, and why its so hard as an adult, and many many don't do it. I have siblings who all spend Christmas together doing the 'happy families'.. i think we all do, don't we? it depends on teh role each sibling plays as to the treatment they get. Some are the golden child, some are useful child, but they are needed, i think, to reflect glory upon the parents only!

I sometimes think that in an ideal world there should be an assessment to see if people are good enough to be parents. Though that would be appallingly totalitarian! But honestly, some people just shouldn't be.

It's just about the only thing you don't have to be assessed for. In theory the rest of society is there to assess you but they aren't behind closed doors.

I've name changed mid thread, sorry about confusion.
Brother has now sent out his wedding invitations omitting one for me. He's not been in touch since Christmas, though I haven't contacted him either. DSis says he's still angry at me. His fiance's family are also not talking to me (see them in the street and get snubbed).

It all feels so shit. DS really misses my TM but I don't want to back down and just let her carry on, it's no way to treat people and she's just the same with him as she is with me.

Considering moving away but I love my house and don't want to uproot DS. Just feels like the town is oozing negativity towards us. It makes me so sad.

DBro has also returned DS's Christmas present and DSis hasn't brought hers round as she has left them at TM's house and DS needs to go there to open them apparently, which isn't going to happen.

Hello February - I hope this is going to be a better month!!

Essex I feel for you as I am in a similar position now of trying to reduce contact. This weekend I managed to avoid the normal weekly phone call by emailing her on Sunday morning and saying I was attending a webinar in the evening and wouldn't have time to talk.

Two weeks ago I conducted a bit of an "experiment" with her: I had fallen down my front steps on my way to work one icy morning and twisted my knee and scraped my palm. No major damage done. I emailed her as usual (we generally exchange a few emails a week) and mentioned what had happened. I wanted to see what her response would be.

Her initial response was acceptable although she said "You were lucky it wasn't worse" which triggered a huge wave of resentment considering the way the minimised my dad's abuse. Even though I knew that I was lucky and I had said the same thing myself to other people. In fact it was this phrase which really made my feelings boil up til I posted last week.

But on the face of it her response was okay, she didn't blame me for falling down.

However, that evening she saw a weather forecast which said it would be frosty in the morning. This prompted two missed calls to my landline and an email with her frantically going "I can't get hold of you! It could be icy tomorrow! You mustn't fall again!"

Since then, I've received similar emails every fucking day that the weather forecast predicts freezing temperatures. Like I'm incapable of reading the weather forecast myself, or, you know, just looking out the fucking window. This despite the fact that I have told her that a) I have a pair of ice-trax things to go over my shoes in case of snow and b) the temperatures here at the coast are always warmer than inland. Also, I'm forty-fucking-one years old and do not need prompting to wear appropriate shoes.

If I don't reply to her email for a couple of days, I will get one that says "Where are you?! I'm worried about you! Have you had an accident?" I'm sure it's only the fact that she can't get a mobile signal in her flat that stops her from texting me.

Does anyone else's parent do this? It's so irritating but at the same time it seems very churlish to say "Stop mothering me!" because most people would assume it comes from a mum's genuine worry for their child's safety. But to me it seems like... I don't really know how to explain it, but like she's using me to feed her constant and irrational fear? And if I don't answer promptly, then she will blame me for "worrying her" instead of actually addressing her intrusive and irrational fears.

It's not normal, is it, for parents to constantly worry about their children's safety when they're middle-aged?! Especially when they work full time AND are trying to start a business and therefore working a lot in the evenings and weekends??

I mean if I haven't heard from my son for a few days, I will drop him a text just to say hello and how are things. But he's 19 and has MH problems! And I pay his mobile bill, so if I don't hear back from him then I look at his itemised bill to see if he's making calls or texts or using data, and if he is then I know not to worry and he's probably busy playing Xbox with his mates!