"But we took you to stately homes!!!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

It's December 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
October 2014

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

interesting you say that attila. with the latest round of christmas cards to ds and the 'we have no idea what we have done but none the less wish you a happy christmas' one to me and then coming back from my trip away to find a new years one as well, i was wondering whether i should do a letter or something to try and bring things to a close. but i suffer the same concerns as you bring up. i know that meeting with my mother last summer after a year and a bit of no contact literally nearly killed me and took weeks to get over.

how was your holiday btw? and how are things going in the aftermath of FIL's passing?

Hi HoneyBadger,

Our holiday was lovely thank you for asking. Did us all the world of good. Amazing what a decently warm temperature, a beach, some excursions to other towns/cities and a spot of retail therapy can do.

As for the aftermath of FILs passing, well things are pretty much the same really. Feel for DH in all this, he has not really spoken very much at all about his dad's passing or how he feels now.

I had no real regard for the man primarily because he showed no interest whatsoever in any of our lives. I had known him for the best part of two decades and yet I knew hardly anything of him or about him at all. This is because he was too selfish and self absorbed to let anyone else into his life, not that he was ever interested in anyone else other than him. I am going to write him a letter spelling it all out. It will be no doubt a cathartic exercise.

Re letters write them by all means but never send them. These people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Toxic people like nothing more than 1. a fight and 2. having the last word.

i know. there is no peace there is no resolution there is no point! excuse the lack of punctuation but it's more a one line mantra than a sentence.

we're off on thursday to sunshine. currently sitting in a mass of clothes and little cases feeling overwhelmed and a bit weepy for some reason. it was so nice staying at my 'friend's house. you don't really acknowledge or allow yourself to feel anything missing until you have it for a bit itms. also how well thing seem to be going with friend maybe scares me a bit. i don't know. anyhow.

i'm sure your dh will talk when he is ready - has to take some processing i guess. not a hurdle i have faced yet as mine are only in their late 60's but one that will come in time. huddle close as a family and just be ready for him when he is ready i guess x

coming home has really depressed me actually tbh. the mess, the fact i don't want to be here, the card sat there waiting from my dad shoved through my door, the back to being alone, i'm not sure which bit is the main culprit or if it is all of it.

really hope i'm able to relax and enjoy this holiday when we get there. right now i just feel overwhelmed by how much still needs sorting in my life and how much change and courage is still likely on the horizon iyswim.

sorry for the whining - i know people have real problems going on.

|I hope you can enjoy the holiday too honey. he sounds a great friend, his company sounds like it brightens everythign up.

How do you eat the elephant? Bit by bit. You'll get there

it just never stops does it? i think we're cursed with having to spend the first half of our lives just working to reach the start line others were dropped off at with decent/normal parenting lol then we get to build the lives we want.

thank you x

that's a really good description of it! yes ... sigh.

Just been reading a very interesting book In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

Worth a read.

It's good that book isnt it? was recommended here and I got it too.

now reading the Gift of Fear. also good.

Hope you do manage to enjoy your holiday TheHoneyBadger.

I would consider shredding all cards from parents if you have not already done this.

As Meerka rightly says you eat the elephant bit by bit.

And also you're not whining at all!!. Far from it.

Re FIL, I will grieve for the relationship I should have had but did not. I will be simply relieved when his funeral is over and hope to goodness that BIL behaves.

Good afternoon ladies/gents. How is everyone today? I had a nice windfall come in so went out shopping to spoil my staffies. They have been so good for me emotionally. There's something about dogs and the emotional depths they can reach that no-one else can. They make life seem so simple. I've put a photo of my 2 mad mutts. They're the goofiest dogs anyone could come across

Just listening to Avenged Sevenfold's Hail to the King Album. It's one of those albums that make you nod your head and rock.

The photo of my black & white staffy was taken upside down. I fell off the sofa and lay in a heap with the mutts slobbering over me .

lovely pics, chiggers. They sound a great deal nicer than their rep

Our red staffy (male) was knocked out by my husbands smelly socks

Meerka, they're one of the most loving dogs you'll ever have the chance to meet. They have a bad rep because a small minority of idiots, who like to think they're hard, and these people tend to gravitate toward a muscular dog like a staffy. My male staffy (let's call him Bruno) is a rescue who was so badly abused, neglected, starved that you would have thought that he would be aggressive. He came to us about 4 weeks after we got our black and white female (let's call her Kira). Bruno came into our old house (we've moved 100 miles away as I got a place at university) and as foster carers we welcomed him, treated him and loved him. He's now a big loving, clumsy oaf and Kira is a complete and utter goofball. They both love to greet people coming into the house, by licking their hand, then muzzling their hands to get the person/people to play with them. If it's someone they know well, they'll rear up on their hind legs, put their front paws on the person and give them a lick. Yes Meerka, everything and everyone has to be licked. DH says they're only tasting their dinner LOL.

Trying to get this breed to maul a human is like forcing you to go against your morals. It's bloody hard for us to do that, and it stands to reason that it would be hard for this breed to go against its natural instinct and bite a human, so it's likely that anyone who has an aggressive staffy has more free time, effort and resources to put into making them that way. Think about it, if a child is born into and raised in an abusive home, they'll more than likely think that aggression is normal as that's all they know. It's the same with any dog (except staffies as they're as hard as a marshmallow and would lick you to death).

The breed is only 1 of 2 (the other being a Chesapeake Bay Retriever), out of 190+ in Britain, that is recommended by the KC for families with children of all ages. they are incredibly loving, have a high pain threshold, which is fantastic for small children. They also love to just cuddle up and snuggle with their owners/carers/family friends. Many times DS or DD have sat on the sofa and have been flanked by the dogs on either side all 3 watching telly. Our male staffy likes to watch the footie now and again, with him staring at the telly barking at the ball . I love to look back at these little things they do and smile. I laugh because they are incredibly daft too. My female rolls over for a belly rub as soon as you look at her. She can be a right diva at times, demanding cuddles and kisses. So if staffies were supposed to be tough, intimidating dogs, my 2 would be a complete disgrace. They'd let the side down big time .

Wait til you hear this for a story. I took the dogs to an old running track for a good bound around. My male staffy went over to a Jack Russell and was giving it a cheeky bark. The JR growled at him and he ran behind me as if to say "Mummy, mummy, that big dog's going to eat me. Save me mummy". Let's just say the JR was a fat old man and probably wouldn't do much damage LOL. I PMSL at the big wuss of a dog I have

Anyway, I'll stop rattling on about staffies and go to bed as I've an early start tomorrow (5.30am), so will bid you good night and the same to all you good ladies on here. I'll be back tomorrow

Hello everyone

I started a thread earlier and a poster pointed me in this direction. I've always seen the title of this thread and never clicked into in. For no apparent reason the amount of posts always put me off, and I didn't really know what it was about. I've read the first couple of posts and I'm tired now so wanted to post before I go to sleep. Will try and read through the whole thread in the next few days.

Well where do I start

I'm having relationship troubles. Have been for nigh on 15 years. My partner is not emotionally available to me (well, not in the capacity I crave, anyway) and we have even discussed the fact he may be AS.

Even if he is autistic, and cannot physically empathise or sympathise with me, my reaction to this is extreme, and I have become stupidly needy over the last few years (especially since birth of child 2 years ago)

I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it all stems from my relationship with my partner. It's the only thing I'm unhappy with. Sometimes I convince myself I'm being emotionally abused. But I'm so confused as he seems perfectly happy and is perplexed as to why I'm unhappy. He tells me he loves me all the time, that I'm his soul mate. But I don't feel it's enough.

My father was (is) a fucking shit. He was abusive (mentally and physically) and my mum left him when I was small. But he let coming back. I witnessed beatings and was scared witless of him. He's a Muslim and made no bones about telling me I was unwanted as I was female. At Christmas he would tell me father Christmas didn't exist and used to pull the heads off my dolls and throw them at the wall. He would tell me I was going to hell because I went to a Catholic school. When my sister went to his home country in Egypt, he gave her false travellers cheques and when she was arrested he ran off and left her in a jail cell for 2 days. She was 16 years old.

I could go on. And on.So, what I'm asking is, am I projecting the issues I have with my father onto my partner?

My partner is not completely innocent in this either. A couple of examples are, him not being there to pick me up after an abortion, and not being there to emotionally support of afterwards. A few years later I wanted to get married so proposed. Only to call it off after he made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. A few weeks ago he told me he had planned to propose once, but I had been a cow that day and so he changed his mind and decided not to ask me. He knows how much I want marriage, and it's like he is deliberately keeping it from me to keep me in line, or control me. I don't know, am I making a fuss of nothing? I'm so utterly confused and sad.

So sorry to just jump in hijack the thread. I don't even know if anyone will be in the slightest bit interested or even able to help. I've written this monumental post, haven't read it back, I'm tired so I'm just going to post and hope for the best.I have my first counselling session tomorrow. Did I mention I'm depressed and anxious?thanks for reading X

Sorry if that post is garbled and all the paragraphs are in the wrong place. I had posted in the old thread and was pointed in the right direction but had to copy and paste from my phone. Plus I'm shattered. X

Special thank you to fuzzy

right, really off to sleep now!

ARGHtoARGH

You are not making a fuss over nothing.

If you are doing joint counselling, cancel those sessions now. Joint counselling is of no use at all when the other person is an abuser; such men use these sessions as a stick to further beat their intended victim, in this case you here, with. You need to rebuild your life without this abusive man in it.

I sincerely hope you also have no contact now with your dad. What are relations like with your mum now?. Do you see her at all?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; you learnt a lot of damaging lessons and your own childhood template was itself abusive in nature. Your children now cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships now, they are basically seeing similar to what you saw as a child.

Purely from what you write I would think your man is simply put another version of your abuser father. He may not be exactly the same but he is still abusive. I would not think your man is at all anywhere on the ASD spectrum whatsoever. ASD does not equal abusive whatsoever. He enjoys seeing your discomforture and actively enjoys too keeping you in your cage that he has built for you. He is as happy as a clam because he has what he wants in this relationship for him; all the power and control. He cares not a jot for you or your children.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. I would be contacting Womens Aid in your particular circumstances and use them also to plan your escape asap from this person.

Dont have much time to post but it sounds like your partner is another version of your father and I'd bet your anxiety and depression would non existent if both of them were out of your life.

Xxx

hallo argh and welcome.

Alright first off no you are NOT making a fuss about nothing.

Secondly I hope your counsellor is good because my god have you got a lot to unpick. Are you seeing them privately or on the NHS? if it's private, don't be afraid to ask for their experience and qualifications and really really don't be afraid to look for someone else if you don't click with her or him. You need skilled support here.

Your father was exceptionally unfit to be a father. He should not have been responsible for a lump of seaweed never mind two lovely little girls. Your relationship with your partner is really rather problematical - you say that you crave emotional support and he's as helpful as a brick. Not being there after the abortion and the marriage thing are good examples of that. You were a cow one day so he didnt propose marriage? Then on top of that he told you knowing its a big thing for you?? That's not the sign of a sensible, sensitive or kind man. Good partners should have at least two of those qualities.

so yeah, two difficult relationships. Yes, there's a very good chance that some of the knots in your psyche from your father are being brought into the relationship with your partner. But from what you say I think there are problems in this relationship anyway. You are clearly an emotional person and it sounds as if he just isn't equipped for that. He certainly doesn't have much of a clue.

You probably know this already but often if we haven't got loving, stable relationships - we tend to re-create the same less-loving relationships over and over until the time comes that somehow we can reach beyond and create a different pattern. That may be what's going on here (not certain; can't really tell without knowing you irl).

What shines out is that your partner is not making you happy. Quite the opposite. You feel a real emotional desperateness and a big hole inside. So you have become very 'needy'. When you have a normal need to be loved (as well as to love) and you are with someone who's a blank and unresponsive wall, that happens. That can exacerbate the painful lacks from childhood.

I do ask if you want marriage to him or do you just want marriage? Because I'm wondering if it's the stability and the love that (should come) in a marriage that is the draw. As if marriage would be a certificate that brings these thigns with it automatically. It doesn't, and I'm not sure marriage with this man would bring them at all. He may be a perfectly nice man, but he may not be the right man for you.

By the way just because he tells you you are his soul mate, doesnt mean he is yours. It's about what you want, as well as what he wants. You are pretty unsatisfied at the moment.

It's also possible - only possible - that you have such a need for love that it would be difficult to find it with someone else until you have made your peace with yourself. It can be done, even with such pain as you have experienced and live with.

Short version: you have so much from childhood that it's probably coming into the relationship with your partner but also he might well not be the right man for you anyway.

Is your mother still around? do you have a good relationship with her?

I'm not a psychotherapist, i've just had a lot of therapy so please take what I say with a pinch of salt. On top of that, all I know is what you've put here. I hope other posters will be along to give their povs soon.

I do think you are absolutely doing the right thing in seeking counselling/ therapy. You have a little one and it's a good idea to work towards having as much peace of mind as you can. It will help you and your little one a great deal.

hm, other posters were along while i was typing all that out! :)

btw chiggers now you make me want to have a staffie! we cant as my husband is allergic to all fur n feathers alas. But darn they sound nice. I didnt knwo they were considered so very highly reliable around children < wants one more now>

Goodto how are you now the christmas kerfuffel is over?

miscassortment I hope you are surviving and that you have been able to tell your son and that he is coping. Are you getting practical support from carers? Do you get support from disability organisations? you so need something now .... Please consider going to the doctor and asking for some sleeping tablets and anti depressants if you need them to tide you over, just for now.

thank you for your replies.

Quite predictably, it has had me in tears this morning. To be told outright what has been in front of my nose the whole time is quite a shock (though it really shouldn't be).

To add and clarify:

Myself and my partner live with my mum (and my DS) - my mum is a wonderful woman, no problems there. I love her so much, and her me. She is a very quiet and timid woman, she leaves us to it and never gets involved. To this extent, I do not truly know what she thinks of mine and my partner's relationship,, although I know she does love him as a son -in-law (of sorts!)

My father made a come back last year. (after a 16 year hiatus) He has kidney disease and is sick. I decided to go and meet him - I thought he may have been sorry for doing what he did to us - but no. It was clear that all he wanted was a kidney donor. He did not apologise nor take responsibility for anything. He sat there and blamed everyone else. He did not ask once about mine or my sister's life, and it wasn't until we were leaving that I toild him I had just had a son.

So - that is that. No more contact with him (although he texts my mum all the time, asking when he can meet his grandchildren, and he is sick and dying etc etc. He also once said that I was to blame for everyone turning against him. ME!!)

In regards to my partner. He is prone to depression and has bouts of it maybe once a year or once every two years. He said this was the reason he wasn't there to pick me up after the abortion, and with the whole marriage thing. I suppose that is his excuse.

On the surface, he gives me lots of freedom. He is not bothered about when or where I go out, or with who. He is happy to stay home with DS. I have always taken this as he trusts me and is not trying to control me. In fact, about 7 years ago, I cheated on him. Even then I was desperate for affection and attention. I told him straight away. He had barely a reaction, and about an hour after I told, he had arranged for us all to go out to meet a friend for a pub lunch. He has never mentioned my infidelity since. I have never been able to explain this to myself - what the fucking hell?? I wanted him to shout and cry and show some sort of reaction and I got NOTHING. What is that about??

I do think I would not be depressed or anxious if he was out of my life. But I do not feel strong enough to end it. And then next week I will probably change my mind, and get back to normal, and believe I was making a fuss over nothing. I mean, he doesn't cheat on me, he is reliable, he is good with DS, he does housework, cooking, shopping. He always goes all out for occasions such as my birthday, organising surprise parties and getting people I haven't seen in years to come to these parties etc. We own a campervan and we go camping and we have a great time - these are the times when we are like our old selves again. The only thing I am unhappy with is his lack of emotion and affection. Is this really enough to break up our family?

Sorry if I am being naive and annoying but sometimes I see it and other times I think I am making a mountain out of a molehill. In the space of time that it has takjen to write this post I have gone from thinking I will defo leave him, to thinking no I won't, all is fine. I am so fucking mixed up its unreal. I cannot imagine life without him. Also, where would he go? He couldn't afford to live in the same city as us, he would have to move to his home town 200 miles away, he would lose his job, and he would hardly see DS. This is what breaks my heart. They are close. Also a worry is that he has had suicidal thoughts in the past, and suicide runs in his family.

Sorry for the swearing and if my post is muddled.

The counseling I am going to today is with just me, not couples counseling. I got it through work. I really hope it will be able to make me see more clearly.

Also apologies for being very self indulgent. I haven't read any of the other posts as yet. I am leaving now to go to counseling. If anyone has anything to add I would be really appreciative xx

I sincerely hope you are not doing joint counselling.

Re your comment:-
"I mean, he doesn't cheat on me, he is reliable, he is good with DS, he does housework, cooking, shopping. He always goes all out for occasions such as my birthday, organising surprise parties and getting people I haven't seen in years to come to these parties etc. We own a campervan and we go camping and we have a great time - these are the times when we are like our old selves again. The only thing I am unhappy with is his lack of emotion and affection. Is this really enough to break up our family?"

Yes it is, quite apart from the fact that he is controlling you to boot. Also what you write is the barest of minimums re what is acceptable behaviour within the family unit. You seem almost pathetically grateful that he does not cheat on you. His words and actions are not those of an emotionally healthy human being and no he is not a good father to his son because of the ways in which you are treated. Your own familial template is well skewed so you accept any old crumbs that get chucked in your direction. What this man is giving you is crumbs. History is being replayed here.

Do not keep beating yourself up about cheating on him. You did that because you were innately unhappy all those years ago and to get a reaction from him because he is so uncaring. He does not even care that you cheated because he thinks that you're never going to leave him. He has you exactly where he wants you.

You were also targeted by this man and deliberately. You let him in primarily because you were previously in a bad place yourself (your parents own poor example of a relationship certainly contributed to that) and wanted someone, anyone really, to actually love you. He saw your emotional low state and unhappiness and honed in on it.

What he is doing here is not at all loving. This man is basically a similar model to your abuser of a father and thank goodness you have now cut all contact with him.

Your father is also sadly predictable and none of what you wrote re him at all surprised me, such men only have their own self interests at heart really.

All of your words are those that a woman in an abusive relationship writes, the messages being put across by you are the same.

Who cares where your man goes if he leaves, such men rarely leave at all quietly, often refuse to leave point blank and kick up a right old stink. Your worries re him may be your co-dependency talking and co-dependency within a relationship is not good at all.

Such men as well often threaten to kill themselves and they use that as a control mechanism to keep their chosen victim, in this case you, in line. Its working isn't it. Depressive behaviour as well does not give him licence to abuse you. Some men do use depression as an excuse to further abuse their victim.

I think life without him in it day to day for you would be a blessing actually.

My guess too is that he is the life and soul to all those in the outside world (your mother seemingly likes him but her own judgment re men has been shown to be itself wanting). It is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges. He has chosen you to abuse. Such men too hate women, all of them. He is no different really to all those other abusive men out there, he is following that same old script.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and talk this through with them. They can and will help you.