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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kids spending time with OW, and really like her. Struggling.

74 replies

QwertyQueen · 17/12/2014 08:16

She is the person he left me for.
They lied and cheated and hurt me beyond measure.
I found out via her ex boyfriend telling me.

And now they are playing happy families with MY kids.
The pain is something I could never prepare myself for.
This is the second family she has broken up (not saying it is all her fault - stbxh too), and those kids were hurt when she ran off with another man again.
My son (8) tells me she plays so nicely with my daughter, who is 3.
It breaks my heart.
My ex has told the children he left me because we were fighting so much, not for another person.
I think he has told so many people that, that even he believes it.

I so badly want to tell the kids that she is awful and she has hurt me, but that would be wrong, wouldn't it?
I should be grateful she is "being nice" to them, but how can I?

My ex is rude and bullying to me, and the kids see that and comment, but they love him 100%, of course they do. He is Disney dad.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin73 · 18/12/2014 16:25

OP loads of sympathy and strength your way

i can imagine how hard it is, but really she is NOT the problem, he is

lets face it she stole a nasty narcissistic cunt from you, and she will never steal your kids, never.

as an outsider looking in I think you need to do everything you can to get your strength and self esteem back. I cannot even imagine- but you sound bowed and beaten

whatever feel good or self help you can face, DO IT- use the time when they have the kids to rest and get your strength back. yoga/bath/redecorate/self help books/career plannning/fitness/ whatever floats your boat OP

so someone said this is a long game, it sounds like you are better of without him so whilst I understand your anger to her- eventually he will do the same to her/or her to him (even better!)

use the time when they are away as a gift to get stronger and think about your future

you will be happpy again xx

NanaNina · 18/12/2014 17:38

I can imagine how painful it is to think of the OW with your children OP - I really can but you seem like you have what it takes to do the right thing for the children, and I hope you get plenty of chance to rant to friends etc. Totally agree with Destiny's post and was pretty horrified at springydaffs posts to be honest and hope you won't be taking her advice. Parents do have equal rights to their children and courts come down hard when they think mothers are trying to prevent fathers having contact, even when there has been abuse.

Starlightbright1 · 18/12/2014 17:41

I am wishing you luck but also just wanted to say..While it isn't a good thing to slag Dad off I do think you should correct the kids. Not about the breakup that is pretty irrelevant to the kids ( not to you obviously) but don't let him take the blame for everything, You can say oh thats not true and move on..

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 18/12/2014 18:12

thanks so much for all your messages.
Fromparistoberlin, you are right about my self esteem.
He has beaten me down.
Have been told how fat and ugly I am so often. But I am not, really.
Just today he told me to go to hell, and he will never forgive me for trying to ruin his Christmas.
But I know it is because he "lost" today's war, and the only way he can save face / not feel like the loser he is - is to rant and project and be vile.
So I just remain polite and move on.
I have my kids for Christmas, and he lost some power over me, so win-win.

Destinycalls, I am emotionally entangled. He draws me in - Narcicisst feed is it called?
I am working on detaching, and have definitely improved.

I do not want him back, of course not, but I do mourn what I thought was a family, but in fact I have my own family.
I just got back form taking the kids out for dinner and we have a lovely time, it would never have been so relaxed if he had been with us.

Thanks all for the messages. It is hard picking my way through this.
A delicate balance of trying to not be a push over but not give him ammunition against me!

OP posts:

Alchemist · 18/12/2014 19:48

QQ So much of what you write really reasonates with me. H is now all cosy with OW in a lovely, smart London flat. He has already told the children they are going ice skating, Hamleys, Harrods, the Eye and lots of meals out.

Meanwhile, I am asking him to pay me the £20 he owes me. Apparently he is skint.

Balls to him! DC will be thrilled with my smaller but thought-out gifts and they will be with me from Christmas Eve onwards. Hope you are KOKO x

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 18/12/2014 19:54

Ah, Alchemist, it truly sucks.

I am quite interested to see what their dad buys them for Christmas, I was always the one that did all gifts, and knew what the kids wanted / were interested in.

My aim in the new year is to become more financially independent.
I don't need to be rich, just want to not have to stress as much as I have been.

OP posts:

Alchemist · 18/12/2014 20:01

I was talking with a friend just an hour ago and said that my ambition for 2015 is to be a grown-up.

As I am now 46 I think I need to! Seriously, what I mean is I will set a budget. I will stick to it. And all the other things needing doing. It's so obvious I can do it and so can you. Just sometimes it really does suck.

Wonc · 19/12/2014 00:41

Qwerty (that was easy to type) your exH does truly suck and so does OW.
The thing with those type of people is that they are full of bluff and guff and their true core is rotten so they are never ever at peace.
I smiled when I read about your lovely dinner out with your DCs. That is your trump card. You will have the peaceful, welcoming home. He will have the stressful battle zone.
You will, in time, when you are free of ex-dickhead, have a calmness and serenity about you. He will grow more and more agitated.
I know which type of person I'd rather be around.
You are in the midst of the battle right now, but hang in there, it's nearly over and you can move on to your fab dickhead-free life.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 19/12/2014 09:10

so the c*nt instructed his lawyer to proceed with the emergency court action.
My lawyer advised me to let him take the kids Xmas eve otherwise I would incur a £2000 cost, and she feels he is doing it to weaken my financial situation in order to force me to sell the flat.
She said he will look bad in court (as he is going against what was agreed in mediation), and - like others have said - I must look at the long game.
I told my son, who was looking forward to the Xmas eve party with family friends and kids, and he burst out crying - says he hates his dad, never wants to see him again. So sad, the poor kid.
I know ex will blame me, as usual, he can never see the wrong in what he does.
But interested to see what he does next. Selfish prick.

OP posts:

Destinycalls · 19/12/2014 10:46

Follow your lawyers advice if it keeps your finances stronger. It is the long game that is important. That is keeping a familiar roof over their head. Try to have your Christmas with the kids and as many friends and family together on a different day. It's only a date and your kids have another party to look forward to.

mummytime · 19/12/2014 13:47

At what age are Children's wishes considered in Australia?

I would suggest you keep a diary recording the good and the bad of your children's contact with their Dad. By trying to be factual and unbiased it will make it a stronger document if you need it.

springydaffs · 19/12/2014 21:41

Raving loony here. Or, rather, voice of experience rather than just theory -

yy the long game. Is your lawyer fired up about this? Enraged on your behalf.

Zame · 20/12/2014 00:05

Costs can be kept to a minimum if you only use the solicitors etx for going to court.
Corrrespondance etx you can do yourself, you could book a half hour appointment with a solictor to discuss what to write and how to proceed which would cost a lot less than actually instructing them to write a letter for you

Zame · 20/12/2014 00:06

Since there's no longer any legal aid, courts are far more used to seeing people represent themselves.

Your ex is a bellend. At most he will get 50/50 residency. Please don't let him bully you.

PaisleySheets · 20/12/2014 01:43

I understand protecting children, but I also see no responsibility to you to lie for your husband and his mistress. they will know the truth eventually.

I would be honest with my children and say that I loved their Dad but he loved someone else and wanted to leave. I'd not point fingers, call names, attack or cause trouble but I WOULD be honest.

I think lying to your children to protect your adulterous husband is "wrong". More "wrong" than being honest with them. It's a shitty truth to tell them but that was his choice wasn't it?

PaisleySheets · 20/12/2014 01:48

And your ex sounds like a classic narc.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 20/12/2014 04:31

He has spun a yarn to everyone that he left because we were fighting and I wasn't bringing in enough money,
He "only slept with her" after we "broke up".
He left me (in tatters) and slept with her a few days after - that I know of.
Probably an affair, at the very least a heavily invested emotionally one, he left with the intension of sleeping with her. They travelled together for work ffs, so hmmmmm.
I have told the kids I didn't want him to leave, but he wanted to.

But he tells them he left because we were fighting and he couldn't bare for them to see it. Funnily enough the "fighting" was him being emotionally abusive to me. I wish I had had the strength to leave him ages ago, but I was so blinded by Mr Charming and the good times, that I managed to convince myself the bad times were worth it.
He hasn't told them OW is his girlfriend, they thought she was just a friend.
I did tell them she was his girlfriend as I thought they should know.
They protect him, they want to believe him.
My son is very bright, it won't be long before he figures it out for himself.
Poor kid.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 20/12/2014 05:15

Yeap, I agree with Paisley in all respects about their dad. It's a fine line because it would be harmful to your children to badmouth him, but sometimes it is good to unemotionally honest about any of his faults that might impact on them. For example my dd's father was a great one for promising the sun, the moon and stars and then not coming through with any of it. I felt that I needed to protect my dd from the horrible let-down that children feel when adults don't their promises.

Coyoacan · 20/12/2014 05:17

But you are lucky that the OW is kind to your children. Even though she obviously did something very wrong, I feel tremendously sorry for her, look who she has ended up with.

NanaNina · 20/12/2014 16:58

Qwerty - he has to win doesn't he..........at the expense of his children's happiness, but that doesn't come into it does he - it's all about winning and you not getting one over on him. I'm sure if you go on the SP thread you will see lots of posts like this.

You sound very level headed and the very best thing you can do for your children is to not undermine their dad and not make them feel they have divided loyalties. This is hard I know but that's what the children need. You can't control what he says or does and oh that old chestnut about not getting new gf will after you'd split ..........FFs!

At the end of the day your kids are your main concern and they will suss things out for themselves as they grow older - punch pillows, rant to friends, on here, whatever, but keep a calm presence in front of the children and remember you are doing what's right for them, no matter how much it hurts you...........so smile through gritted teeth about dad and gf - it's very early days and she'll be wanting to make a good impression, but it IS better that she's being nice to them, even though I can see how hurtful that is.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/12/2014 16:59

Coyoacan why do you feel sorry for the OW apart from her narc man? I get a bit sick of people saying OW are blameless or not as much as say the attached man. Unless of course the married man hides his married man status. No one forced OW to have an affair in essence her just deserts are putting up with this narc man.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 20/12/2014 19:07

Well my ex is her SECOND married man with 2 children she has had an affair, and then a relationship, with in the company… in the department!
You can only imagine the drama.
I don't feel sorry for her in the slightest.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 20/12/2014 21:45

No, Superfly, I am not excusing OW, but this man is no prize.

springalong · 20/12/2014 22:26

"She said he will look bad in court (as he is going against what was agreed in mediation), and - like others have said - I must look at the long game."

I am in a very similar situation in so many ways. Having a very bad time of it, taken court all the time, ex lies etc etc. So some very useful advice on here.

I was interested though in the mediation comment. Our mediation was supposedly confidential and couldn't be taken to court (as per the mediation contract). Nothing was agreed so there was no outcome to be documented. My ex used my mediation proposals in a court action to gain successfully a prohibited steps order and my barrister saw no issue with this. I still do have a huge issue with this months on.

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