Kids spending time with OW, and really like her. Struggling.

[QwertyQueen]

She is the person he left me for.
They lied and cheated and hurt me beyond measure.
I found out via her ex boyfriend telling me.

And now they are playing happy families with MY kids.
The pain is something I could never prepare myself for.
This is the second family she has broken up (not saying it is all her fault - stbxh too), and those kids were hurt when she ran off with another man again.
My son (8) tells me she plays so nicely with my daughter, who is 3.
It breaks my heart.
My ex has told the children he left me because we were fighting so much, not for another person.
I think he has told so many people that, that even he believes it.

I so badly want to tell the kids that she is awful and she has hurt me, but that would be wrong, wouldn't it?
I should be grateful she is "being nice" to them, but how can I?

My ex is rude and bullying to me, and the kids see that and comment, but they love him 100%, of course they do. He is Disney dad.

The OW sounds like a bitch and a double crosser.

I completely understand your resentment and hurt.

Console yourself with the fact that you are the better person in all this and retain your dignity.

You have a clean conscience.

When this is over and you move forward, I guarantee you'll stop feeling this pain - you'll either feel grateful to OW for revealing the truth about your ex, or you'll pity them.

You will be happy again. And this will seem like a bad faze.

You're a GREAT mother and a strong woman. Many other women in your situation would not be able to restrain themselves and slag of both parties.

She will NEVER replace you in your children's affections.

Imagine how she will feel having to explain to your DCs when they are older how she contributed to their parents breakup.

Life has better things in store for you.

Carry on, grit your teeth and hold your head up high.

I sincerely doubt they'll last.

Qwerty, sorry you are going through this. My DB is in a similar situation. His ex introduced the children to new bf less than 2 months after kids had been told they were splitting. Kids like the new man, and that kills DB. However he is of the opinion that if bf keeps ex sane (she is bipolar) their relationship is best for kids. Horrible for him (he adored her).

He takes the approach that he wants them to feel able to talk about their mum and bf to him, so he lets them chatter on, saying "that's nice" etc.

I think she'll get her comeuppance one day, but for the moment, it is what it is. I don't think she has a good influence on the kids, I don't think she is a great mum....I think she is a thoroughly lazy spoilt selfish entitled bitch. However, she is their mum, and DB is doing amazingly well ... They know he is a great dad, and will always be there for them, so if she disappoints them in the future ( he can't control that), he's there.

At the moment they think bf came on the scene after the split, but they will understand one day. I know it must be bitter in the meantime.

Fwiw she has been slagging him, me exSIL, and my family off to all who will listen. Interestingly her parents have sent me an Xmas card, and her granny wants to send one to DB....so clearly they don't believe all she's saying.

Do you have family in the UK you will be visiting at Christmas? Take the kids. Stay.

were the kids born in the UK?

I agree that the kids will make their own minds up eventually.

however a few years down the line when and if (probably when) it comes out that OW was the woman partly responsible for betraying you and tearing your marriage apart then I doubt the DC will be quite so forgiving no matter how nice OW is (if they're still together) towards her or their DF.

I think also you'll find they will side with you over her in this...

You need as springydaffs et al say to take action, know your rights and fight for what's yours. All the kindness, treats etc from OW won't help how you feel towards her. Is there an option for therapy for you (charities do this sometimes at reduced rates)? this would be a great unbiased sounding board for you.

Thanks all.
I did go to therapy for a while but can't afford to carry on right now.
My therapist said he clearly suffers from terminal arsholedness but he is their father and all I can do is be there to support them. He is, in her opinion, a toxic narcissist.

I have applied for a bank loan (hoping to hear today) as I am struggling.
I am self employed and all this stress is affecting my working and thus earning.
He is bullying me on every tack, and I am very worn down.
I have, to a certain extent, lost my fight.

Sorry, this is turning into a pity party from my side.

Fully entitled to some self-pity. Self pity away. Here's some and mentally providing lashings of sympathy and back rubbing.

Ah thanks, could do with some cake!

Just got a mail from him making demands about Christmas,
he plans on taking them on Monday, and will "allow" me to pick them up at 2pm on Christmas day.

Gawd, gotta go and do another round of battle now.

Waiting for my lawyer to call me back.

I am in an incredibly similar situation to you and you have my complete sympathy. It is horrendous and I'm sure like me, something you never thought would happen to you.

The only thing I can say is that I am glad that I have acted with dignity and strength throughout this - he has not (and neither has she). I have the support of all of my family, his family, friends - he does not. I have a completely clear conscience that I did everything possible in our marriage and that I kept my vows - he did not. I can look at my two precious children and know that I have always acted with their best interests at heart - he can not.

I constantly feel like I am always having to be the better person and rise above the horror he continually throws my way but I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I am glad that I am me and not him. And I am glad that I am not her because she has seen what her future holds.

It might seem like he has won but would you want to be him? I wouldn't.

WTF re Christmas!! No way, the kids are in their home for Christmas this year, they have had enough disruption, they don't need any more.

Do you have RL support OP? Family?

My family live in a different town. But we are flying there on boxing day for 2 weeks.
I have good friends who support me, but they don't really know what I am going through.

I feel the same way you do, familyofthree, but it is just relentless.
Never a quiet week.

OP - another option which is often free is co-counselling - this tends to be done in a group and you have to be prepared to listen to others sides, you may want to research.

Your good friends however well meaning they may be aren't in your position and wouldn't know unless god forbid it happened to them.

This is the worst bit. Just concentrate on surviving for now. It gets easier once divorce is sorted. It gets easier once you are in a pattern for contact, Xmas etc. It gets easier once you get used to saying "oh really! That sounds nice" to dc.

Agree with what Familyofthree said, keep your cool because it will give your self esteem a boost, not because it will have any effect on his behaviour. My ex just makes shit up if he doesn't have any actual 'crimes' to complain about.

One more thing I meant to say.

If you block contact now you run the risk that when they are teens and things may get a bit stormy between you, they could fall for a charming and manipulative father who suddenly pops up. Allow contact now and they will see for themselves what he is like.

Beware, It is a myth that you will be able to stay in your property until the dc are older. In my divorce proceedings, the court ruled I had to sell up so we could both move on. And my dc are young with special needs.

Oh my word, DoIknow, that is horrendous.

Extravolume, I have that gut instinct about blocking contact now, so thank you for those words.
It is hard to "know" that he will eventually hurt them.

I spoke to a psychologist about it. She is actually a friend, but obviously knows the personality types.
She said that he will try and turn the kids against me, and that he might even succeed at some point.
But it will only work as they are so young, and once they start exerting their opinions and wants, if they conflict with their dad's - he will treat them the way he has me and they will see for themselves. Sad, isn't it?

I do just want it all over so there is no need for as much contact between us.

it isn't a legal right to keep the house - however if you put in a good case to a court they might agree that you should stay in the house until kids finish education and then you will need to pay off your ex with his share of equity -if you are not working and can claim hb it might be better to sell anyway who knows...every case is different.

there is nothing in legal rights that you have to stay in the original family home. if you not married, then there are two laws involved TOLATA and schedule 1 of childrens act. if he goes to court under TOLATA to sell then you could need to counter claim under children's act in order to stay with him retaining beneficial interest. its complex.

there is nothing wrong with moving and renting!

eg you could take your share of equity buy a smaller property under buy to let and use some of the income to finance your rental of a new place for you and DC .

anyway as others said, be happy for your kids the new woman is nice to them. far better than a nasty person to be around.

So sorry for you OP, but I am hoping my own experience might help a little.

You cannot change what happened and you cannot control what happens when he has the DC. All you can do is try to change how you feel about it.

My XH new girlfriend hates one of my DC. She is awful to him. Really unkind nasty and cruel. XH just ignores it.

It has made life extremely difficult and no mother would want their child to be spending time with someone they hate. My child has explained to their father that they want to spend more time just with him, without her there, but it mostly falls on deaf ears, and DC doesn't want to miss out on seeing their Dad, so they still go and tolerate the girlfriend.

I am sure you would not wish this on your own DC?

Believe me it is far far better that they like her. I will never forgive my own DM for making it very hard for me to have contact with my father because he was living with the OW. OW was lovely to me and it wasn't my fight. Just bear that in mind.

just make sure you offer the bare minimum contact. Once a fortnight is fine.

Unfortunately it is not as easy as "offering" contact.
He has the legal right to the kids 50% of the time.
I am fighting tooth and fist to get it to the minimum.
With 2 lawyers and a mediator involved the most / least I could get it to was every wed night for dinner (no sleep over) and every 2nd weekend, with the oldest staying on another night or two.

I do accept that I would rather her be nice than nasty to them, but it still smarts. The fact that SHE cuddles them - ugh.

OP you are actually doing really well in a nightmare scenario. Hang in there. You have had some counselling, taken legal advice, and are looking after your dcs. It sounds like the contact issue is sorted as best it can be, so put that to one side for now.

House issue is a huge worry you need to prepare for worst case scenario while continuing to fight for the best. Whatever the outcome you will be able to cope and it will be a piece of piss compared to dealing with the asshole that is your exh and his awful gf. Sooner it's sorted the better, you can just deal with making home a sanctuary for the 3 of you no assholes.

It's crucial for you to sort boundaries as best you can - change ex phone number on your phone to his full name (keeps it business like) and only communicate with him by email unless in an emergency. That way you get to control when you read them and you can keep records.

As for dcs, they will make their own mind up as they get older - they're very young just now but things will change as they grow up. Just continue being your loving self, you're their mum and will be first for them.

As for ex, his relationship likely to encounter problems of some kind, just do your best to ignore him/them and really try to switch the focus on you and making life as nice for you as you possibly can given the difficult circumstances - find outlets for your anger, be really kind to yourself and give yourself treats etc.

It will get better, just keep going. You have lots of support on here

Thanks all.
Things so much worse today.
I had planned my holiday around him having Christmas Day with his mom and the kids (she is out from the UK),
now he is saying he wants them Christmas eve, which is when I have made all my plans,
and getting hectic and sending lawyers letters to me

Do you think he behaves like this just to get a reaction from you? Does he do that by phone call or email or what?
Just tell him you've already agreed on this and made plans now so they can't be changed at this stage. Then stick to it and ignore his bullying. You have to be firm with people like this.

It is going through his lawyers.
He perceives everything as a fight,
and must win at all costs.
I am doing what one of the previous posters recommended… being calm and not rolling over. Sick of him bullying me.
Have instructed my lawyer to say I will be sticking with my plans and he can take me to emergency court if he wants to (is threatening to).
Feel like I am having a panic attack, but managed to put a smile on my face and took the kids and his mom to the Science Centre, then raced back to deal with lawyers. Will pick them up later and act like I have had a wonderful day.

Arse hole

OP you are doing the right thing. You won't stop him having contact and have done the right thing by trying to stop him bad mouthing you to the children.

Just carry on being a good mother. However hard it is be polite and reasonable with your ex and the OW. Kicking off at him will rebound on you and will do no good. There is a time to stand up to someone but I think now isn't it. You've done the standing up and have your divorce and he is out of your life on a daily basis.

You are massively emotionally entangled still with your ex and it's only hurting you. If you are polite (on the surface) and cooperative he can't bully you and ultimately a court will give him equal access whether you like it or not so it's not a battle you will win and the fighting of it will hurt you the most. Your kids too if he is vindictive towards you.

As for them playing happy families, let them. Your children are the beneficiaries and it is about them now. Don't let them come home to an angry bitter mother but make their homecoming just as happy. Things will get better and you can rant on here or with friends.