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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm not coping

33 replies

MsFriend · 16/12/2014 17:13

I have a 3 yr old and an 18 month old. My 18 month old does not stop following me crying all day long. I give him games to play which last for about 5 minutes before he gets bored and IT starts again. I am so worn down with it that I am ashamed to say I have shouted at him a couple of times and told him to shut up. I hate myself for it. My partner is at work all day. Doesn't come home til after kids are in bed and I am basically a single mother. I told my mum how I was feeling overwhelmed today and i am struggling. She had four kids so her answer is.. Well I did it and no one helped me. I am literally sat here crying because he is just screaming for no reason. It's like chinese torture. What's wrong with me? Plus he wakes up 3 or 4 times a night still and I'm exhausted but no one seems to care.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 16/12/2014 17:16

Does your DH have any time off over Christmas?

thingswesaidtoday · 16/12/2014 17:17

Oh dear you sound exhausted you poor thing. Is there any way your 18 month old could go to nursery? There is no shame in finding things tough

Shockingundercrackers · 16/12/2014 17:21

Oh OP you poor thing. I have a 16 month old and I know exactly what you mean about the following / crying. I'm a SAHP too and with no respite it gets so wearing. A playpen saves my sanity. I pop DS in there for 5 mins and he's perfectly happy playing with all his toys and I retreat to the kitchen for a cup of tea. I can hear that he's safe but he doesn't howl for me because he can't actually see me. Could you make space for something like that? Also helps with loo breaks and getting my older DC ready for school.

Shockingundercrackers · 16/12/2014 17:22

Also meant to say: don't underestimate the night wakings, that's a total head blender. Can your DP take over for a few nights whilst you put your earplugs in and sleep?

sleepybuthappy · 16/12/2014 17:23

You poor thing. I think you are amazing for coping with two on your own all day long. My eldest goes to nursery and I still struggle! I think keeping busy really helps, make sure you have a morning and afternoon activity planned even if it's just a walk to the park or the shops to help break up the day. Can you go to toddler groups and can your eldest go to nursery or playgroup? 18 months is a tough age, they aren't great at amusing themselves. It will get easier.
Also tv is your friend!

CogitOIOIO · 16/12/2014 17:43

I'm sorry you're struggling. You need help. First place to get it is from your partner. Whatever work it is he does he needs to take time off urgently and that's not negotiable. You are not a single parent, you are a team..... and when one part of the team is in a crisis, the other has to drop everything and take over for a while. If your DCs wake up in the night, he should deal with it and give you chance to rest and recharge. And I mean for a
several days, not just a one off

Second step is to talk to your GP and Health Visitor. You could easily be depressed and need to be checked out. They may also be able to put you in touch with support groups

As for Mum, I would go back to her, acknowledge that she managed 4 kids and tell her that you need practical help managing yours. Be very specific about exactly what it is you want her to do.

CogitOIOIO · 16/12/2014 17:48

Another thought. If your 18m is crying all the time, they may need medical attention.

Original poster

MsFriend · 16/12/2014 18:45

No as soon as I pick him up he start playing and laughing. Then I think maybe I'm not playing with him enough. So I do.. Put him down and it all starts again.
When it comes to the weekend my partner is so exhausted from work all he talks about is he needs down time. So I never really get any downtime. If he baths them you'd think he had invented the wheel. I just want an hour every two weeks to get my nails done. It sounds stupid but I jus need some me time. I look like crap all the time and so drained. I don't know who I am anymore when I look in the mirror. I'm irritable all the time. I don't like myself and it's horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

MsFriend · 16/12/2014 18:46

My mums comment just made me feel like a failure. My friends parents love having their grandkids. They drop them off for sleepovers and their parents love doing it. My mums not like that

OP posts:

TinyWishes · 16/12/2014 19:04

There is a group on my Facebook where you can pay for child care at hourly rates. they are quite reasonable to. What area are you?

rumred · 16/12/2014 19:08

Have a look at local children's centres. They have a range of activities, other parents and family support workers who can advise.
Everyone needs support, your mum is wrong

Twuntosaur · 16/12/2014 19:27

Aah MsFriend I just want to give you a massive hug I felt exactly like this when mine were small. I had no family support, a baby who didn't sleep and didn't let me put him down.. it was so so hard. I just wanted to run away from my family as I felt I was a useless mother and they would be happier without me.

I had a complete breakdown, managed to get to the gp and was diagnosed with pnd - bought on by the broken sleep and lack of support. My husband was more supportive as the doctor had told him off for not supporting me. I was given SSRIs and within weeks I was smiling for the first time in months and really enjoying my kids. Please please see your gp/hv. They will know that this is not your fault

Twuntosaur · 16/12/2014 19:34

And yy to childcare.. you need time to yourself, its not selfish or the sign of a bad mum to need that. You need to care for you, keep yourself healthy so you can care for your kids. It takes a village to raise a child, your mother (and your partner for that matter) is completely wrong to think you should be doing this all on your own.

Quitelikely · 16/12/2014 19:49

Have you thought about contacting homestart OP?

They help people in your situation who need a break to get their nails done, do a little shopping and so on.

And your husband being out all day until the dc are in bed is shocking. Is it necessary or optional? Something needs to change with regards to this IMO.

Also do you go to any mother and toddler groups? You do get some sort of respite from them even if they aren't your thing.

Also the play pen is a good idea. If money is tight, check gumtree (I did a quick check and they go for around £15.

Joysmum · 16/12/2014 19:52

Does your DH have any time off over Christmas?

CalleighDoodle · 16/12/2014 20:26

Can you sling him? I put my nearly three yr old in a sling last week as he was being clingy.

Boredshitless · 16/12/2014 20:35

Where are you OP if you are near me, I will come and give you some hours......you are utterly exhausted and it's agonising I know.

You are not a bad mum, you are a tired mum.

As for your mum, well she could give you a hand for goodness sake, who wants to see their daughter so exhausted.

trappedinsuburbia · 16/12/2014 20:42

Ive got a travel cot in my living room thats filled with my 18 month olds teddies and in front of the tvand she gets popped into it so i csn have a shower/coffee/5 mins peace i think it was about 20 quid from asda. By far one of the best purchases i have made.
Is your little one teething just now? Mine is getting her back teeth just now and that wakes her during the night, i sometimes give her some calpol before bedtime and she doesnt wake as much.

SomethingOnce · 16/12/2014 20:47

I think you need sleep more than 'me time'. Broken sleep can mess you up like nothing else, and I speak from bitter experience.

Your partner needs to know how you're feeling, and help get you better rested. Nice nails are nice, but your health is more important.

And yes, talk to your HV and see if Home-Start in your area can help.

It's shit being where you are now, and it will get better, but you need support.

TinyWishes · 16/12/2014 21:40

Make an appointment with your GP tomorrow and find out where your local groups are. It will be good for you all to get out and socialise.

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 00:27

Do all the things said above.

Plan a duvet day with the babies. All of you take snacks, drinks, toys and go to bed. Play gentle games and rest a lot.

Original poster

MsFriend · 17/12/2014 12:44

Update: thanks so much for all your kind words. My mum and dh were in the same room this morning looking at me like a mad woman as I was literally in meltdown. Mum dropped dh off to station. She came back, took kids off me and told me to sort things out. I have now got my son in nursery on a thurs and fri. I had a bath and made myself a hair appt for sat. It's funny what an hour off can do. I feel like some of the fog has lifted. Shame I had to get into such a state for people to notice. Thank you all x

OP posts:

SomethingOnceInRoyalDavidsCity · 17/12/2014 14:39

So pleased to hear you've been heard.

Do try and sort out a way of getting more sleep on a regular basis as well, though. You and DH can find a way. It's really important.

I hope you enjoy your hair appointment

Wotsitsareafterme · 17/12/2014 15:28

Hope you are ok op. I found the last year before dc1 went to school really tough. The dc are 5 and 2 now. My mum had no sympathy either

sus14 · 17/12/2014 15:55

I sympathise too. I only have one ad was sahm for 4 years, I did love it, but it was hard and exhausting. The way I coped was a weekly routine, we did planned activities twice a day all week, even if it was a different playground 3 times a week. It made her happier and I could switch off a bit while she was playing or doing the activity. I couldn't bear being at home.
I found the weekends hard because there were no activities! I know people talk about over scheduling but it was essential for me! I just had that sort of child who needed a lot if stimulation, sounds like you may do?

And I also agree when asking for help ask for specific things, eg mum takes children one scheduled morning a week, that sort of thing.

Definitely your dh has to share the night wakings, going to work is a hell of a lot easier than dealing with a toddler all day, day in and day out! My sisters dh tried to say he couldn't do it as he work and I have to say I rather lost my temper with him, also because she was feeling rather like you are.

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