Email from DHs friend

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Ok my husband was recently telling me with much amusement about an email his best friend sent him about an affair he had. His wife knew and was apparently ok with it, and the email was very braggy and quite graphic in places. However, the tone of some parts have really pissed me off, and i want some other views. I feel that he almost seems to be encouraging my husband to give it a go, and i feel like DH is being disloyal by not challenging some of these views. We have argued a few times over this, and his lack of response. He says it would not influence him, and he disapproves of his affair but i still feel he should say something to him.

Here are a few quotes from the email: 'compatible people are out there everywhere... You could pick up something new with anyone... It is not necessary to settle for really stupid stuff in a relationship cos u could just move on... Having closeness (and sex) with someone who isnt your wife can be perfectly fine if handled right... I suspect you're a lot like me, and don't get praise in your day to day life... Mostly people bitching to me .... What i didn't realise is how much meaning having just one extra person tell you they think you're wonderful, how much that means'.

The general tone of the email is one about how fab it was, comparing woman to his wife (who's just had a baby) etc by referencing her 'droopy boobs' etc and just so disrespectful. He did have an emotional affair about a year before this, but they didn't have sex cos the other woman felt to guilty - he was very keen to do so! In the email he thanks DH for his support re the previous woman (DH says he didn't really support him as such, but did a bit cos his friend was sad). I know my judgement is partially flawed cos he comes across as such a jerk in the email, i used to like him. Am i being crazy over this? I genuinely feel very upset and betrayed, tho can't exactly explain why, and i feel he owes DH/ me an apology as feels like he is trying to suggest an affair wud be good for DH too. They rarely see each other but r due to meet up next week, and it brought it all to a head again this weekend. I wud never say they cant be friends etc, but deep down i wish they wouldn't. Do i need to get a grip, and if so, how?

How do instop being mad at DH, and avoid feeling like he should ditch this friend?

You don't. You tell him to ditch him in a 'it's me or the dog' type conversation, if necessary.

My DH would go down in my estimations if he hung out with someone like that. Sorry, but he is clearly a revolting human being.

Tell your DH that the man is a turd and he leaves a shitty smell on those he hangs around with.

"if she left him she would have to come back to uk or be deported."

Worse than that -- if their child(ren) are normally resident in the US then she couldn't remove them from the country without the father's permission (and if they were born in the US they'd be US citizens just to complicate matters further). So she'd probably (unless she could afford a shit-hot lawyer) have to leave her children behind in the US.

Why did your DH show you this email?

Your dh's friend sounds like an idiot! He's basically trying to justify his behaviour by saying his marriage isn't fulfilling and therefore it's all ok.

It's not ok!

It is actually true that men who are in an environment where other men are doing this are more likely to cheat. The behaviour is essentially normalised.

Your dh's friend is a complete fucking brain dead moron. His poor poor wife. Does he understand what wedding vows are or is he too thick?

So he's your husbands BEST friend and your DH thought his email was amusing?
I would be right fucked off.

My dh struggled to stay friends with the mate he had who had an affair. He was horrified a man would behave like that and it got worse as the wife is a good friend of mine so dh saw the fall out. He was so cross he was ready to punch his mate (totally out if character for my gentle and patient dh). If dh found an affair funny I think we'd have issues in our relationship.

Yeah, if my husband "supported" a friend through something like this, we'd have some serious problems.

Your DH's friend sounds like an arse and I doubt his DW is happy with this arrangement, it sounds like she doesn't have much choice but accept it. Their marriage sounds to have a very emotionally abusive dynamic.

Has your DH showed you his emails to his friend or just the email from his friend? It would be interesting to know what your DH has said to him and how this compares to what he says to you about it.

I'm speechless. Even reading what your DH's friend said makes me feel creepy-crawly. He's either totally delusional and the whole thing is a fantasy or he's one of the most heartless, insensitive pricks I've ever heard of!

My DH had (note past tense!) a friend who was a serial cheat. I told DH that I wouldn't control who he was friends with but I could control who I was around and what I said to his friend, and that if he brought him around I would give him a BIG piece of my mind and leave until he was gone, making it clear WHY I was leaving. I also told him that he'd better hope I never answered the phone when he called. The friendship soon fizzled out when DH refused allow 'friend' to use him/us as an alibi.

I think your DH needs to have a long, hard think about this. How would he feel if it was this friend's wife or even YOU bragging to a friend about infidelity? And his wife giving permission? Bullshit!!!

That poor woman. If my DH found those kinds of stories amusing he would go way down in my estimation, and I would tell him so.

His friend is despicable.

Thank you for all your replies. A couple more points to answer some of your questions: DH didn't actually show me the email. I do have a few trust issues and after he told me all that the email said, and how funny it was to him, shamefully i read it myself, after his response rang alarm bells in my head. Not a good thing to do, i know, and i confessed all afterwards. I have not read any replies as DH says all on phone/ live chat

DH says that he didnt really support his friend as such, with the first woman but his friend was upset as he fell in love with this woman and was upset because he couldnt be with her. I still think this was his own doing, but DH said he advised fiend to focus on his marriage but at the same time gave him sympathy because he was feeling sad, rather than him approving of his friends behaviour. He says i am reading too much into this statement. And no, to the person who asked if my husband is the sort that frequents strip clubs etc after being 'dragged' along with his mates: no he really isn't! Doesn't have many friends, quiet, doesnt drink and doesn't do lads nights out etc. that would be his worst nightmare!

I was afraid that this was me massively overreacting, because i can be insecure and jealous at times, and am rigidly anti-affairs, after my ex cheated on me many years ago. But i feel very supported on this thread. At the end of last night, we left it that DH was going to email his friend and i made it clear that i didn't want him to meet up next week. DH isn't the most socially aware person and i genuinely believe that he didn't see the email in the same way as me. I read out all your responses and i think it gave him food for thought. He is a good, kind person and i know he is finding this hard and is upset about all the rows. I think he just found it easier to say nothing rather than confront his friend, and now im demanding he do just that.

That is why i find it so unimaginable to think he could be friends with this prick. I was so shocked when i read the email - the language is so self-absorbed and offensive. They have been friends sincne school, so go way back. It would have been much easier if i never read the email... I wish i hadnt done that, but i can't just forget what i read.

Your hubby needs new friends, this ones I cock.

I am glad you found support here and I think you are right to be concerned about what it says about your husband in the company he keeps.

The snooping though ? That's not good. They do say eavesdroppers (or snoopers...) never hear anything good. It might be worth exploring further why you needed to do that. If your husband doesn't make you feel safe and secure you have more problems than some dickhead fantasising about what a Big Swinging Cock he is.

AnyFucker - you are right about the snooping. It is an awful thing to do. We have been together for 10 years and did it a couple of times early on in the relationship (paranoid cos of previous relationship), but hadnt done it since then, until this email, cos my DHs retelling and amusement worried me. There was no need either, cos i know DH would have happily showed it to me, if i had asked. I don't really believe that DH would cheat, but i don't feel that he does much to make me feel secure either.

Mmm, to be honest his amusement would worry me too.

I'm glad you managed to talk it out with him and that he is taking action.

My OH has a friend with very loose and questionable morals, also his brother is a bit of a former "playboy"

However it has never occurred to me that the behaviour would 'rub off on" on OH?

In-fact a few years back my OH went on holiday with aforementioned friend and brother (as well as others).

I suppose there is a slight difference in having friends who cheat on women and having friends who cheat on women and then imply that your partner should do the same? Suggesting that your partner cheat doesn't mean he will though?

I think this brings to light your own trust issues to a degree?

Your hubby's amusement about the email is not on though, not at all.

And the friends partner - poor cow!

I call bullshit on his wife being ok with it all. I bet she doesn't even know the extent of what happened.

A friend of DPs was telling him about his early marital problems where he was attracted to another woman, got close then called it off and him and his wife now have a 'brilliant' relaionship. He then fessed up that he was shagging this OW but his wife doesn't know that.

The thing OP, you say that your husband is a good upstanding man and the like, but a good and upstanding man would NOT find that e-mail funny, or in any way "amusing".

I could POSSIBLY, at a very big push and with huge effort, understand the amusement if these were all women he had been dating for about a week, or one night stands (and even then I would consider him to be a raging misogynist), as he would have no attachment to them. But to speak this way about a LTR? And even worse, his WIFE?

It's horrific.

Frankly, considering the situation that this poor man's wife is in, it's borderline emotional abuse, since she has no choice but to stay with him and put up with his behaviour. Not to mention she's recently had a baby and is completely isolated. My heart breaks for her.

If my partner laughed at an e-mail like this I would be absolutely livid, and would be very clear that it made me seriously question his character.

The only normal response to an e-mail like that - even a "close friend", would be along the lines of "You're acting like a total and utter c*nt. The next time you send me an e-mail so disrespectful about your wife and the mother of your children, I am going to forward it to her".

I agree kaykay. Any decent man would not think the email was hilarious.

Sorry OP, I don't understand what you are so upset/angry about. This has nothing to do with your husband and its just his mate bragging about something which may or may not have happened. However trying to control who your DH is friends with and what he says to them is a slippery slope. By all means let him know that you don't approve but its up to him how he engages with this bloke. You may have high moral standards regarding people who have affairs but not everyone does and there are always reasons why people do stray. But what this friend does is nothing to do with you. Why do you feel he needs to apologise to you, he hasn't done anything to you? He can brag all he likes to DH but your husband knows how you feel and will not be influenced by this guy so I'd just drop it.

intiman I understand what you are thinking, but I also understand where OP is coming from. Part of the problems we have today can be put down to 'it's nothing to do with me'. Perhaps if more people took a moral stand with their friends regarding bad behaviour there would be a little less of that behaviour. If more people turned their backs on friends who have questionable morals, perhaps those friends would think twice. I mean, if OP's DH's friend was bragging about breaking into a house and stealing things, wouldn't you expect DH to roundly condemn said friend and tell him off? Why, then, shouldn't we expect the same thing in this case? Big changes can start with little changes. Perhaps it OP's husband were to condemn his friend's behaviour to him, it might give him reason to think about what he's doing (probably not, but we live in hope).

I agree that no apology is needed to OP, though.

Oh, and I fixed this for you; "and there are always reasons excuses why people do stray."

I do fear I am in the wrong in being so upset with DH as i know it isn't him that has had an affair, but i do judge him for his response to all this. I also don't really believe that he will say anything to his friend. Of course I am not owed an apology by friend - he didn't send the email to me and i was wrong to read it the way i did. I guess i FEEL like he has insulted me, my marriage etc as well as his own, so that's where my silly statement about the apology comes in. It is not the actual affair so much as him basically advising him why he should give it a go and the assumption that DH needs to do so cos he has the same sort of crappy marriage as his friend... And of course DHs reaction to it all. He says he finds it amusing/ didnt think to say anything to friend cos he finds friends wife annoying/ doesn't really like her, but i don't think that is a reason for the response. His friend is still a dick and has behaved appalingly... But i now resent the fallout, and the fact that we are argueing because of all this too.