He just packed up and left.

[Festivelybereft]

Ex mnetter reregging, pomme bears naice ham etc.

I have just been unceramoniously dumped after 18 months, 12 living together.

I'm fucking heartbroken.

I'm furious with myself for deluding myself that it was possible for me to find a nice person instead of yet another user.

Potted history is
Him, married for 27 years 7 of those in seperate rooms. I did look at his wife's fb when things started to become serious for me and they did lead seperate lives.
He moved out of their shared home into temp and then in with me.
He didn't leave her for me (she already had started dating)

Me much more complicated.
Have had various abusive relationships from the age of 14 with some unbelievable twists and turns. Not really relevant. My last relationship was a sexless convenience thing (not convenient for me) and I had decided that it needed to change.
Long chat with ex partner and it was agreed thatwe would have an open relationship, mainly because he liked living with me but wasn't sexually attracted iyswim.
So met current DP on a casual hook up site.
All good but I fell in love.
Head over heels.

As things got serious (he allegedly fell for me too) I was honest and candid about my past.
I spent 10 years with my much older boss (DV and EA in every way imaginable) after I got away I had a period of lots of promiscuity. Then sexless relationship for 7 years which at the end I had started to look for casual hook ups.
Finding DP stopped me in my tracks.

I told him lots of my history but he would become sidetracked because my boss was asain and insist that I had been groomed.
Then I tried to tell him about the more recent stuff but he didn't want to know I even offered to show him any emails etc.
He wasn't thrilled but said he could work it out in his head.

I know trust is a major thing so I spilled my guts early so nobody found shit out to bite them later

I may be stupid and promiscuos but I'm no cheat and I don't ever lie.

12 months on, just before xmas he decided to 'check up' by secretly trawling my old emails.

He left because he now can't deal with it

How many more times will I be ground down before I learn?

He's had a bad 24 hours ?

OP, you are going to let him walk back in and try to forget the fact he has treated you like some sort of damaged goods aren't you ?

That would be a huge mistake.

I can't let him back.
I know he has a huge problem with my past and has zero respect for me.
For all the things I love about him he counters that with his disgust for me.
Ok for now he just says horrid things but I know where it will go.

I know where it ends I can't go there again.

I can see it clearly but a huge lonely part of me keeps trying to convince me he loves me back.

I could poke my own bloody eyes out.

So you need to stop these banal domestic conversations about oil changes and plasterers

he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong

disabuse him that idea or you will find yourself STFU for an easy life

of that idea

Stay as strong as you can Festive . Once he's returned your car and keys then you can cry and wail as much as you like. Until then it might be worth just biting it back and letting your utter awareness of how he really sees you dictate what you say and feel.

I'm not sure why he's doing oil and bulbs on the car - maybe for your gratitude? Just seems a bit strange. I'm sure you are capable of servicing your own car.

Just keep posting here and do not let him get to you ...

Be very very on your guard Festive... i think the "so cold" statement might be about getting you to offer either a return to the warm hearth or to keep your car to live in (ha!) .... you've been used so much in the past that you might be a bit blind to it? I don't know, I'm not underestimating your insight ... I just got a sudden chill of worry ...

My head says he had the chance very early on to decide my past was too much for him.

I can't agree with that but I can understand if he felt it was a deal breaker and decided not to continue.
He said he would get his head around it and I in turn do my best to be transparent, so he understands that I may have a big total but it wasn't something that I do continually it was just two bursts both after big emotional episodes.

It clearly isn't ok with him because he had to use some dodgy email recovery thing to see 2 yr old stuff.
There was no event to arouse suspicion.

He didn't just bugger off to the pub for the day to stew and then come back for a heart to heart.

He packed up everything and fucked off.

Leaving me in a tail spin crying.

Without speaking it he still thinks his actions are fine and umderstandable because I did bad things prior to meeting him.

Not even a sorry or am I ok.

Bellend.

yes - bellend indeed!

And actually he packed up everything and fucked off IN YOUR CAR! Which I see as theft. If he doesn't bring it back soon, unharmed, I would seriously consider reporting it stolen. No really. This relationship is over isn't it? He's taken his stuff. He shouldn't be taking yours too. Cars are expensive pieces of kit (no matter how old) not like a spare toothbrush.

It might be that you need to make it crystal clear to him that he is done and finished Festive.

I thought sharing everything was a sign of honesty, trust and intimacy

Me too, as a teen. And it just brings pain to the other person, unnecessarily. Your past is yours. You don't have to share it.

Lois makes an excellent few points there. I no longer wish to share my past because it occurred to me that actually, I can't. Unless someone else was me in that experience they wouldn't see it as I saw it. It's kind of an existential thing, I think lol. Perspective is individual. My lessons in this life are precisely mine, no-one else's.

We all learn generalities and principles but my actual life is specific to me. No one else could ever understand or share it, no matter how much they love me. In truth, others have only ever used my past to gain power, control or inflict pain.

So these days? Unless by way of a casual anecdote, no-one lays a hand on my "then". I assume total copyright/control of my Past.