He just packed up and left.

[Festivelybereft]

Ex mnetter reregging, pomme bears naice ham etc.

I have just been unceramoniously dumped after 18 months, 12 living together.

I'm fucking heartbroken.

I'm furious with myself for deluding myself that it was possible for me to find a nice person instead of yet another user.

Potted history is
Him, married for 27 years 7 of those in seperate rooms. I did look at his wife's fb when things started to become serious for me and they did lead seperate lives.
He moved out of their shared home into temp and then in with me.
He didn't leave her for me (she already had started dating)

Me much more complicated.
Have had various abusive relationships from the age of 14 with some unbelievable twists and turns. Not really relevant. My last relationship was a sexless convenience thing (not convenient for me) and I had decided that it needed to change.
Long chat with ex partner and it was agreed thatwe would have an open relationship, mainly because he liked living with me but wasn't sexually attracted iyswim.
So met current DP on a casual hook up site.
All good but I fell in love.
Head over heels.

As things got serious (he allegedly fell for me too) I was honest and candid about my past.
I spent 10 years with my much older boss (DV and EA in every way imaginable) after I got away I had a period of lots of promiscuity. Then sexless relationship for 7 years which at the end I had started to look for casual hook ups.
Finding DP stopped me in my tracks.

I told him lots of my history but he would become sidetracked because my boss was asain and insist that I had been groomed.
Then I tried to tell him about the more recent stuff but he didn't want to know I even offered to show him any emails etc.
He wasn't thrilled but said he could work it out in his head.

I know trust is a major thing so I spilled my guts early so nobody found shit out to bite them later

I may be stupid and promiscuos but I'm no cheat and I don't ever lie.

12 months on, just before xmas he decided to 'check up' by secretly trawling my old emails.

He left because he now can't deal with it

How many more times will I be ground down before I learn?

I suppose for having such a sordid past that it makes me not partner material.

For not having enough self respect to value myself.
The words my partner used were
'Why would a woman do that to herself'
'Why woul you just sleep with men or write these things to strangers'

I feel a bit stupid and guilty for not considering the future ramifications

And this is why you need counselling - to find a way through this shame and to challenge some of these beliefs that are holding you back and making you unhappy.

He's a hypocritical wanker isn't he? He met you on a hook up site when he was with his ex partner but you're the slutty ho who doesn't respect herself?
Nothing wrong with hook ups if it's what you really want and it's fun and safe. If you approach hook ups as a means to escape an abusive relationship you will get burned, and you have.
Your ex sounds awful, refusing to engage with your past because he decided what the narrative was (groomed by Asian predator) and wouldn't listen to your actual lived experience of it.
You've had a lucky escape.

Festively - your story so far has been disastrous in terms of relationships. I'm spluttering with rage at how you've been abused. I think I "get" why you feel you must be ok because you love DD, why if you were a bit wonky you would maybe not have bonded. Of course you love her. The circumstances of her conception were highly coercive though. What a horrible horrible ex and as for his despicable friend ... I'm truly aghast.

So to now. You know, in some ways, you actually aren't ok. I think counselling is a priority; as is NOT giving in to the urge to depend on a man. The sooner you can talk to your GP the better as there's bound to be a wait I wonder if it would be worth talking with Rape Crisis or Women's Aid? I understand your reticence for using the term rape but really, that situation was well out of the normal range of experiences.

You and your darling DD should make this Christmas special for just you two. Make sure there are no traces left of the one who did you a favour by leaving. Rename him on your phone as "Git" or something similar (so you know not to answer/text back) and let him float wayyy off into space.

As others have said. Your past is YOUR past. No-one else needs to know any darn thing at all about it. BUT I really think any more dating should be totally set aside for some time.

you may have had an unconventional past but you are the one whos been abused and fucked over. Youve hurt noone. Youre not deceptive and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you need to be open and honest to feel validated, then try some proper therapy, because men are taking your honesty and using it as a weapon.

I agree with branleuse

You have nothing to be ashamed of but it seems the men in your life (including this last immature wanker) certainly do.

I have done all sorts of things in my past. But its MY past and I won't feel inclined to share the details with any future partner. Whats done is done. We all do stupid stuff.

Its as though you told your XDP as a form of counselling for your self. Please do get some actual counselling before you even consider getting into another relationship. You deserve to be treated well, but you need to enhance your own opinion of yourself before that can happen. Take care of yourself OP.

Btw, Festive - did the loser who just gave you your life back by walking out leave his key behind? I know you probably feel like having a total crying meltdown but truly truly this is a christmas miracle ... (you're allowed to loathe me for saying that)

You've got nothing to feel bad about.

But it sounds like you do need some time single and in therapy to strengthen yourself, particularly your wanker radar. You have been through some hard stuff that will affect you, maybe it is time to confront that.

I agree with others who say not to rush to share your sexual past. That's your business. I've been with DP for 11 years and we both know little of each other's pasts, apart from what has emerged through anecdotes etc over time.

Thanks guys you are making me feel less of a freak

I know I had a shitty start and when I think back to how gullible and wet I was I cringe because it's blatantly obvious now.
If I read some of the stuff that happened to me on here I wouldn't believe anyone could be so naive and I still occasionally have trouble believing it was all abuse.

I support our home ok (not lavishly but we manage) so I don't have to rely on a man financially.
Indeed I suspect that was the appeal to my second partner so he could sit back and do nothing.

Trying to run before I've learnt to walk

I should be ok with access to the MHT I'm under the local ones because of my ASD I'm sure they will help me find a counselor.

It will be hard coming clean with them I was so convinced I'd got it together!

He will drop key off tomorrow when he brings car back Tipsy, he used my car for work etc because I stupidly thought it would be extra reassurance for him that I was stuck in the house....
I know I'm a pillock

ohhhh bless ya Festive - yes, good practical advice to yourself in that last of yours. Go for it! Such a lovely soul you are. Now get the car and key back and let him go!

In some ways you actually have got it together. You understand exactly what's gone on and why and how. What you need are the black belt tools to prevent it happening again. Actual techniques and tactics.

Merry Christmas!

It will be hard coming clean with them I was so convinced I'd got it together!

You could argue that the fact you've identified all of this, and are ready to ask for support, is even more evidence that you've got things together.

Agree with the points about you needing to address the shame that you feel about your past. Forgive yourself and come to terms with the past. Endeavour not to repeat those past behaviours that deep down cause you shame and regret.

It is a good thing to be open about your past. I can tell that doing so is importsnt to you. You will find someone who will accept that that was the old you. However, if you cannot make peace with your past, don't expect others to be able to do so.

If you are able to, use your past yo help others. Either to help them avoid your mistakes or make good out of their past.

Take care of yourself.

Just wanted to add to the chorus saying you have nothing to be ashamed of. And your ex is a hypocrite xx

You ask how you'll avoid being hurt again. I'd say wait longer than 5 minutes before moving in. And don't get involved with married men.

You realise that the person you're in love with possibly wasn't a virgin or a nun before you got together but you don't need to hear how much of one they weren't.

It made sense in my head anyway! Stop over sharing.

He was far from a virgin. He's was a married man looking for casual sex online. Why are you surprised he's an arsehole?

"If it bothered him why didn't he just let it tail off or end it instead of all this upheaval and fucking pain"

I'm sorry you got dumped but just wanted to pick up on this. People who let things 'tail off' (like your previous partner) are usually being horribly cruel and unfair. Stringing others along and wasting their time with false hopes. It's more painful to go for a clean break but, in the long run, it's usually better.

You're not stupid or damaged or unworthy or anything like that. It just didn't work out.

It should be a fore warning of how things would be if he had stayed.
My head is telling me better now than later where it would constantly be on his mind.

Silly heart is still saying he's the one

bitoutofpractice I actually already feel shit so trying to make me out a married man stealer isn't going to make much difference.
Thanks for posting but labouring the point that I was stupid isn't really helpful.

The fact is we lived together so soon because he moved out of his marital home because I wanted to be certain that his marriage was well over.
I had checked on fb and his wife was indeed moved on and I had been to the house and seen their separate bedrooms/lives.
I didn't want to be the OW though so when it got serious I said he should move out.
Rather than stiff his wife with full mortgage he could afford to live with me and continue to pay mortgage until house is sold.

So rushing into it was more of a circumstance than choice but foolish all the same.

What I was trying to say is that rather than all this soul searching about what you did wrong or how you could've acted differently is a bit pointless because he wasn't ever going to be a good person who would love, nurture and support you. He was a lying cheating arsehole. No matter what you did or didn't do he was always going to be that. And eventually his truecours would emerge. My guess is he was looking for an excuse to leave and this was it. Possibly to go back to his wife.

And as for the separate lives thing. You know that's the oldest line in the book don't you? Along with "my wife doesn't understand me. " I'm sorry but I think you've been had. Stop blaming yourself. Give yourself time to heal and next time, be less hasty.

I honestly don't think there is anything left in his marriage BOOP the reason they are still married seems plausible (armed services and death benefit pension etc) but then I'm hardly the best judge

I'll have to force myself out of bed and get on with the gargantuan diy task I've been left half started.

Just hope Labbi Siffrey can work his magic on me my decorating won't be improved with tears and snot.

Op chances are, if he acts like a bastard, he is a bastard. He's cheated on his wife. He's treated you like shit. He's a bastard. You can torture yourself with what you did wrong forever and a day. But it wasn't you, it was him.

Doing something constructive sounds like a great plan. Put some fuck you music on too. It hurts to buggery right now but it will get better promise

He just called after texting he had a bad 24 hours.

Told me he was getting my car a quick oil change and replacing bulbs.
Told me plasterer would come Sunday and offered to pay.

Then told me he was frozen last night

I could manage to mumble that I don't have much sympathy.

He didn't seem impressed by that so wound it up quickly.

I don't think he quite understands that I've been a sobbing wreck so his being cold isn't really swaying anything.