TachyCardicForCranberryCheese ·
14/12/2014 10:50
Not even sure when it started, I think it was when we moved in together, maybe even before. He'd kick off about something and carry it on for hours. Always something trivial which I'm most relationships would result in "stop that, it's pissing me off" and that would be the end of it. But he punishes and punishes until I'm a quivering wreck. The earliest one I can remember we'd been out, had a lot to drink and he started being off with me. I told him to smile and pulled the sides of his mouth up (gently, he'd done similar to me loads of times and id laughed it off) but we got home and he went MENTAL, made me cry, pushed me, shouting horrible things at me. Anyway that was the first big one. Since then it just seems like there have been a catalogue of them kicking off from the smallest things to the point where I'm just shit scared of mentioning things because I know he'll flip. The most stressful bit is I don't have a list of banned subjects to work with because ANYTHING can make him flip. Last night he kicked off and went mental at me because HE had decided to go to the bike shop for DS. I told him over and over again not too but he insisted. He then came back and went mental saying that all his energy goes on my kids when it should be going on his own kids. That's just a ridiculous statement, nobody stops him doing stuff for his own kids, they just never ask him to. I think he was in a strop because his eldest son hadn't turned up again for access weekend (poor lad is 19 and still expected to stick to access weekends) so he took it out on me. Totally ruined Saturday night, again made me cry, swore at me, told me to fuck myself and kept sticking his middle finger in my face. It's so intimidating because although he's never hit me he always looks on the edge of it and do I just shut down, afraid to answer back in case it pushes him over the edge.
This morning I asked if we had any more coke (he sometimes stores bottles in the garage). He immediately gave me 'that' look and said "what do you mean, do we have any left?". My heart sunk fearing I'd trod on yet another land mine, he then started with the sarcastic "oh yes I forgot, I keep a secret stash under the computer table". I just changed the subject and it blew over but this is what I mean, now no subject is safe. The whole field of conversation is a minefield. I'm lonely, frightened to speak and just feel like shit to be honest. He tells me I'm over reacting and he's sick of all the arguments "I" cause yet, if it's me why am I always the one begging him to calm down, to talk to me, to stop arguining with me, to hug me, to kiss and make up ... And why is he always the one point blank refusing to let stuff drop no matter how upset I am?