I think my relationship is abusive

[TachyCardicForCranberryCheese]

Not even sure when it started, I think it was when we moved in together, maybe even before. He'd kick off about something and carry it on for hours. Always something trivial which I'm most relationships would result in "stop that, it's pissing me off" and that would be the end of it. But he punishes and punishes until I'm a quivering wreck. The earliest one I can remember we'd been out, had a lot to drink and he started being off with me. I told him to smile and pulled the sides of his mouth up (gently, he'd done similar to me loads of times and id laughed it off) but we got home and he went MENTAL, made me cry, pushed me, shouting horrible things at me. Anyway that was the first big one. Since then it just seems like there have been a catalogue of them kicking off from the smallest things to the point where I'm just shit scared of mentioning things because I know he'll flip. The most stressful bit is I don't have a list of banned subjects to work with because ANYTHING can make him flip. Last night he kicked off and went mental at me because HE had decided to go to the bike shop for DS. I told him over and over again not too but he insisted. He then came back and went mental saying that all his energy goes on my kids when it should be going on his own kids. That's just a ridiculous statement, nobody stops him doing stuff for his own kids, they just never ask him to. I think he was in a strop because his eldest son hadn't turned up again for access weekend (poor lad is 19 and still expected to stick to access weekends) so he took it out on me. Totally ruined Saturday night, again made me cry, swore at me, told me to fuck myself and kept sticking his middle finger in my face. It's so intimidating because although he's never hit me he always looks on the edge of it and do I just shut down, afraid to answer back in case it pushes him over the edge.
This morning I asked if we had any more coke (he sometimes stores bottles in the garage). He immediately gave me 'that' look and said "what do you mean, do we have any left?". My heart sunk fearing I'd trod on yet another land mine, he then started with the sarcastic "oh yes I forgot, I keep a secret stash under the computer table". I just changed the subject and it blew over but this is what I mean, now no subject is safe. The whole field of conversation is a minefield. I'm lonely, frightened to speak and just feel like shit to be honest. He tells me I'm over reacting and he's sick of all the arguments "I" cause yet, if it's me why am I always the one begging him to calm down, to talk to me, to stop arguining with me, to hug me, to kiss and make up ... And why is he always the one point blank refusing to let stuff drop no matter how upset I am?

Cheers you are wrong. Nothing would justify his reaction to the smile incident.

I disagree I'm afraid. I'm not saying it's right or the best reaction. I'm saying that normal people lose their temper. And that whole incident is something that a normal non-abusive person might very well lose their temper about.

That's all. Maybe justifiable is the wrong word. I'm saying its understandable that he reacted badly.

In the scheme of things, it's just one incident. The more interesting part of it is that he thought it was fine to do to OP.

He pushed her, shouted horrible things at her until he made her cry. Basically tried to terrify her (annoying at best) actions. Normal people may lose their tempers but never to this level without it being clearly abusive.

basically tried to terrify her because of her (annoying at best) actions.

Sorry you're in such a horrible position op. You know he's abusive, he sounds absolutely vile. I hope the resounding "yes" to your question will help you to decide how to move on. I know it's very isolating and scary to be in your position, you eventually can't see the wood for the trees.

Confide in someone in real life, make it real, not just something you're trying to hide and hope will go away. It won't change or improve, because he won't change. He's a bully controlling your life. Try and take the first step to taking back control.

Who is he really ? Nothing, a pathetic excuse for a person. You and your children are worth so much more.

I may be wrong, Tachy, but I think I recognise you and this relationship.
You must get out.
Don't get into a pattern of saying 'this isn't right' but not taking steps to leave, or change anything.

Didn't OP say that he does the 'cheer up face pulling' to her, with impunity? When I am sure he would argue he was being jokey. But sauce for the goose is not sauce for the gander, in his case.

If every single subject is a potential land-mine then yes, he is abusive. Very abusive indeed. No-one should feel shit-scared of asking if there's any cola in the bloody garage!

What a complete and utter arsehole he is.

Honestly, you should be thinking about trying to find ways of getting him out of your house and out of your life forever. If you need advice or help with that we can provide it, depending on your specific circumstances. A chat with Womans Aid might help you find the resolve to make some very necessary changes.

You might be able to tolerate being terrorised for a while longer but have a think about what this might be teaching your children about adult relationships. If you're frightened of him, have a think about how frightened of him they are likely to be.

Do the right thing and save your children from him and his pernicious influence.

All this sounds fairly constant:

He'd kick off about something and carry it on for hours
he punishes and punishes until I'm a quivering wreck
I'm just shit scared of mentioning things because I know he'll flip
I don't have a list of banned subjects to work with
ANYTHING can make him flip
told me to fuck myself and kept sticking his middle finger in my face
It's so intimidating
I just shut down
My heart sunk fearing ...
no subject is safe

I think you know the answer to your initial question. More importantly, what would you like to do about it? If his son is 19 then we're talking mature adult age parents?

Is this how you choose to live? Would you like to make new choices?

I'm drained and exhausted just reading you!

He sounds scary and the walking on eggshells turns you into a nervous wreck. Do you have to be with him? What options do you have?
I understand just where you're coming from my Ex was like this. There is nothing that can justify this, and in normal relationships you don't have to second guess what topics are going to send people off the Richter scale, really.

Oh OP he is abusive. Emotionally, physically (pushing you is unacceptable), verbally. And controlling. I was wincing reading your op. The bit about not even having a list of banned subjects is heartbreaking. You will never behave according to his list of approved behaviour because he simply doesn't like you/women in general very much, and gets angry and finds some reason to be mean to you.
There's only one person (albeit posting repeatedly) on this thread saying anything other than he's abusive, you're tiptoeing round him and life should be much better than that for you. You sound lovely and you could be so much happier and safer if you left him. Do it for your children, but do if for yourself too.

There's only one person (albeit posting repeatedly) on this thread saying anything other than he's abusive

If you are talking about me, you can't read.

I said some of the behaviour is abusive.

Cheers. You're not really being helpful.
OP, sorry but your OH is abusive. I was married to someone like this. It's only with retrospect that I realise how insidious his behaviour was.

I think you've posted about this man many times haven't you?

He's an abusive bully and you should be throwing him out. You're just an emotional and verbal punch bag for him, someone who can be blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life, he doesn't love you he doesn't even like you but you're necessary to him in the way that a toilet is so he won't want to be without you. Furthermore and most importantly he is hurting your children too and you need to stop that.

You receive the same advice over and over and I will confirm to you again that he is a nasty bully and you should leave him today. You're not there yet though, it took me a few years too but please don't be one of those women who live it there whole lives and by doing so force their children too as well.

I read this and felt a shock of recognition, it's not the specific events but the fact of going back over and over the situation and trying to figure out what you're doing wrong, what you did to cause him to do what he did. So time consuming and pointless. OP if you need validation-- this is abusive. Please detach, don't beat yourself up about this. It's him, not you.

Some of the behaviour? Get bloody real! It's all of it. Every single bit of it. You're just choosing to focus on one particular incident which you think isn't that serious in isolation, but in the context of all the rest, it is. Very, very abusive indeed. I'm afraid for this poor woman and her kids and I don't think minimising the "smile incident" is terribly helpful

I saw this advice on another thread today - if you can't get out for yourself get out for your children, bottom line. I know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship and make no mistake you are in abusive relationship.

If you can't act for yourself, do it for your children. You are all that they have got. Don't think you can't end it because you can. You know it's abusive. Protect your DC if you can't protect yourself. Your DC know you are in an abusive relationship.

Don't normalize this type of abusive relationship for them. Would you advise your DC as adults to stay in a relationship with someone like your partner?

is this the same guy that expects your son to sleep in a really small room so that his (adult) children when they (hardly ever) sleep over can have the big room?

Yes most of his behaviour is abusive the face poking thing would annoy me though that is no excuse for calling you horrible names. I think you should just end the relationship the two of you seem really unhappy so what's the point in continuing the relationship.

the six of one and half a dozen of the other thing is so toxic. it's what made me fear that people wouldn't believe me. and it's true, you leave an abusive relationship with tales of being strangled, shouted at, poked at, ranted at and yet somebody who considers them self 'the voice of reason' will say that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Which is actually bullshit because when you're in psychotherapy after you've got rid of this nut job, your psychotherapist will tell you that it's really really common for 'takers' and 'givers' to end up together unfortunately. You can't be reasonable on behalf of another person. What happens is that you end up giving more.

Posters like cheers seem unable to comprehend that not all relationships involve two reasonable people who give/take equally.

And tbh, one of the things I took from post abusive relationship therapy was to not care whether people believed me or not. OP, you can leave if you want to. You don't sound happy. You don't need a court case to rule in your favour!! YOu are entitled to end this relationship.

Obv he is abusive. Hope kids are not being subjected to this wanker. If so, OP and he are both as bad.

I don't know why OP is getting stick from one or two people. OP, you are not 'as bad' as this abusive man.

simon FYI it takes courage to leave an abusive relationship. The last thing OP needs is people comparing her with the abuser.

Good post, RainDear

LTB

Of course he's abusive.

And SimonTowers, no, someone who lives with an abuser is NOT as bad as an abuser. People are only responsible for their own behaviour, not that of anyone else.

Call Women's Aid to talk to someone in RL OP. They'll help you think through your relationship and help you to leave.

And you should leave. This man is disgusting and he's damaging your children by role modelling this shit behaviour.

My interpretation of what you've written OP is that there has not been as sudden a change of personality as you think. You may have noticed a deterioration during the last pregnancy but it sounds as though the behaviour already existed.. Whether he's deliberately abusive or not, he's extremely unpleasant, you're constantly waiting for the next outburst, and you don't deserve such treatment.

I have to say, the pulling up of the mouth thing would probably be a massive issue for me too, but the reaction sounds OTT.

The pulling of the mouth thing would totally piss me off.

But if someone did it to me, I would tell them that. And I would assume that they wouldn't object to me doing it to them.