Ultimatum?

[jugglingmonkey]

Before I get started, I know it's Christmas... There are parties/drinking. Fine.

DH and I both had our work do last night. It was a big night, both quite drunk. Babysitter with DS, all fine.

DH had a lunch today, he said he wouldn't be out late (we are hosting a Christmas lunch - for his friends - here for 15 tomorrow).

Anyway, he is silent all day. No word. I finally managed to get hold of him at 11pm, he has been passed out on the tube and was in Watford, end of the line. He assured me he'd get the tube back into town and make his way home.

I have just spoken to him. He is now at the other end of London. He passed out on the tube again. I suggested he call his parents and crash at theirs, which he is going to do, they live very close to where he has ended up.

I'm now going to have a three hour round trip on my hands tomorrow to collect him. He was supposed to be dropping DS with his parents for the weekend, which still needs to happen, but I'm going to need to do that, and collect husband.

Am I wrong to be absolutely furious with him? He has left me with shit loads to do, on my own, because he can't control his drinking.

This is just the latest in a string of alcohol related arguments. DH is verbally/emotionally abusive when pissed, and was vile to me on the phone just now.

Is this good enough reason to give him an ultimatum? Drink, or me? He has admitted twice in recent months that he knows his drinking is a problem and that he would curb it. No sign of that happening at all.

I'm with Kaykay.
I can't believe you did that meal FOR HIS FRIENDS.
You should let them see the real him.
What you have to put up with.
And he would have known you're not just all talk that you were serious this time.

He has decided to quit completely. That came last night, off his own back, although it is grudgingly. He thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, and it doesn't warrant this kind of ultimatum.

I explained that he needs to want to do it, or it won't work, he'll resent me more. Another fight ensued...

Anyone been here? Someone saying they'll quit but they don't really want to?

He won't unless he wants to. Will he go to AlAnon?

I think it might be worth googling 'dry drunk' - basically being very resentful and angry about having to quit drinking.
It's not something I'd want to live with.

It's also not likely to last.
You are going to start feeling harsh about your stance on his drinking fairly soon (from experience) and will start entertaining the idea that he is able to drink responsibly like other people you know (which he isn't in the long term).
You will then possibly be bombarded with tales of others who drink lots but don't have a drink problem - and neither does he of course.
And then you'll get all the 'you're so controlling' conversations. And you will probably believe him (because you do want to control his drinking, everyone who has lived within alcoholic/someone with a drink problem feels like this at some stage, it's normal).

And so the cycle continues.

He has to see the value in quitting drinking for himself for it to work.

The only value he sees in quitting is that I won't leave.
The negatives he sees: me controlling, stopping something that's been 'a big part of his life for the last 25 years', this all being rather heavy handed and unnecessary.

At no point does the desire to be a responsible adult with a wife and baby come into it. He thinks he is responsible - most of the time. I'm trying to explain that it's not a part time job, but it's like talking to a wall

By grudgingly saying he will quit he is conveniently going to put the blame on you for "spoiling his fun"

Then the next time you have an arguement, he will be straight out on the piss and of course it will be your fault

he needs professional help, and so do you

There are some really fucking horrible big holes both of you can fall headfirst into, all of them guaranteed to make a shit situation even shitter. You need someone with experience (and removed) to guide you both through it.

Jugglingmonkey I think your assessment is right. It has to come from him realising the effects his drinking has and how much better he and your family can be without.

Do you really want to live with him while he behaves like this?

It's his behaviour that is distressing, not the drinking. If he quits drinking but continues treating you badly what's the point?

What's in it for you? Some sort of security? But it's not secure at all is it?

I understand that you feel flooded with how he feels, because that's what you are used to. It's time to start thinking about how you feel.
I know that's difficult, because most of the time you are focused on coping with everything (picking him up from the station, fixing lunch, worrying about how he will react to something).
But try to take some time to consider how you are feeling.

I feel like I've made two big steps:

The first, sticking to my guns, not letting him convince me that I'm overreacting. I'm 99.9% sure I had every right to react like this on this occasion. He needs to change, not me.

The second, contacting Al-anon. I am planning to attend a meeting this week or next.

So, am finally putting myself (and DS) first. I do love DH, very much, and am not scared of some time apart anymore, if indeed it comes to that.

I'd like him to go into this positively. But I can't make him do that can I?

Well done! Your well on the way to a third big step - "You can't control his drinking". Don't let anything stop you from going to alanon, and start to build your own support network.

Everyone moves at their own pace (and some here may get frustrated at times), but just try to keep moving forward.

No, you can't. BUT, you have taken a stand about what you will NOT live with. The rest will have to come from him. Right now he doesn't really believe you are serious, that you are just 'raining on HIS parade' rather than making a choice about YOUR own life (and your sons'). You are making the right choice, but please realize that chances are he won't stick to his resolve. That's just part of the process. You will have to stick to your resolve and be prepared to kick him out. He will have to come to the place of stopping drinking for HIMSELF, not for his family. He may do that, he may not. But your first responsibility is to yourself and your DC.

You love him very much, of course you do! And I don't believe he is a 'bad man', he's an addict. But also remember that sometimes love is just not enough. And alcoholism is one of those times.

You have taken some big steps love, absolutely

But like you say, he has to want it too.

Drinking is a symptom, a method of self medicating in order not to deal with something else. If it were not drinking it would be something else. The threat you are making its going to have to be much worse than whatever it is he's refusing to deal with in order for him to consider changing. And sadly he may not know what he's avoiding, it may not be something he has consciously considered.
This is one of the reasons you can't help him. Doing what you did today disables rather than empowers him.

Sorry, yesterday.

Wishing you all the best OP.
I really hope he sees the light.