Ultimatum?

[jugglingmonkey]

Before I get started, I know it's Christmas... There are parties/drinking. Fine.

DH and I both had our work do last night. It was a big night, both quite drunk. Babysitter with DS, all fine.

DH had a lunch today, he said he wouldn't be out late (we are hosting a Christmas lunch - for his friends - here for 15 tomorrow).

Anyway, he is silent all day. No word. I finally managed to get hold of him at 11pm, he has been passed out on the tube and was in Watford, end of the line. He assured me he'd get the tube back into town and make his way home.

I have just spoken to him. He is now at the other end of London. He passed out on the tube again. I suggested he call his parents and crash at theirs, which he is going to do, they live very close to where he has ended up.

I'm now going to have a three hour round trip on my hands tomorrow to collect him. He was supposed to be dropping DS with his parents for the weekend, which still needs to happen, but I'm going to need to do that, and collect husband.

Am I wrong to be absolutely furious with him? He has left me with shit loads to do, on my own, because he can't control his drinking.

This is just the latest in a string of alcohol related arguments. DH is verbally/emotionally abusive when pissed, and was vile to me on the phone just now.

Is this good enough reason to give him an ultimatum? Drink, or me? He has admitted twice in recent months that he knows his drinking is a problem and that he would curb it. No sign of that happening at all.

Cancel the dinner. Text people and tell them due to unforeseen circumstances the dinner is off.
Don't collect your dh, let him find his own way home.
Turn off your phone and go out.

Do something nice either with dc or if you can get a sitter and ring a good friend and ask them to please go out with you for the day.

Confide in this friend and spend time doing something to make you feel better.
Don't make any ultimatums to your dh, pointless at this stage, you will achieve nothing apart from heartache.

Do not engage with him, wtf is there to say to a fully grown adult about this type of behaviour?

Do seek professional advice for YOURSELF , your dh can get his own advice.

He is not ready to change. I don't think you are ready for the ultimatum yet. For now look after yourself and dc.

Isetan has put it perfectly. Stop enabling him.

And you're supposed to be also hosting a Christmas lunch for 15 today?!.

No. That needs to be cancelled forthwith if you have not already cancelled it. Do not protect him from the consequences of his actions.

If you were to properly examine his social life I would think that practically all of it involves alcohol in some way. I would also think that some of his mates are also alcoholics.

You can only help your own self here jugglingmonkey. You cannot rescue or save him from his own self. He has to be the one who wants to do that and he is not at all bothered. He could ultimately go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards. That is not your fault, that is his choice.

I would definitely cancel the lunch today and get him to call all his friends to explain why you're not hosting it. It sounds like you will be doing all the work anyway while he drinks with his friends and no doubt leaves all the clearing up to you.
I wouldn't be collecting him from his parents either. Let him make his own way home- a 45 year old should be able to manage that really.

Where are you up to today, op

I really hope your absence from this thread doesn't mean you have already picked him up and you are currently knee deep in vol au vents while he nurses his hangover on the sofa

Tell his friends dinner is off because he wasn't available to pull his weight. Let him live the consequences of his actions, it's not your job to make sure life continues as normal when he's not capable.

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums myself, either you want to leave or you don't. An ultimatum only works if you accept (particularly where alcohol is concerned) he's unlikely to pick you and you need to be ready to stick to your ultimatum.

Come back OP! Please tell us you have not bloody cooked that dinner!

Hugs to you OP. I have been where you are countless times with ex. I kicked him out, and he was quite incredulous as to why.....

Reasonable, responsible family men don't behave like this, do they?

No, they don't. not at all. You haven't got a partner in a marriage, you've got a pressure to handle.

This isn't right.

You have received excellent advice. You cannot make him stop drinking, he has to make that decision. You cannot save him, but you can save yourself (and your children).

All I'll add is do NOT issue an ultimatum unless you are willing to carry through. If you aren't, it's nothing but an empty threat so you may as well save your breath to cool your porridge. When I gave my DH an ultimatum (not about drinking, about his temper) I had already taken the DCs to my mum's and met him at our door with our packed bags. I was THAT READY to call it quits. I had never before told him I was done, never threatened divorce before. So when I said get counseling or we were done he knew I meant it.

Hi all, thanks for all of the advice and your responses.

So I picked him up, and dropped DS too. I don't want the fallout of this to take place so close to Christmas.

Lunch went ahead, but I've barely been able to look at, or talk to DH.

He has apologised, I said I was t really interested. I don't want apologies, I want an assurance that it's not going to happen again. Or a firm commitment to cutting the drink altogether, or heavily curbing it.

He has quite a large scratch on his face, he can't remember where it came from.

Tension in the house is bad. DS is being dropped home after lunch. I'm keen to talk to DH before then, just can't seem to muster the energy.

So you enabled him.

If that's the term for it, then yes. This is all quite new to me, DH's drinking has only really been affecting us since DS was born earlier this year. I think before that I was blissfully unaware (and also drinking quite a bit myself).

To be honest, I personally don't think anything can be achieved while he's dragging himself round with a terminal hangover.

I'd leave any discussions until he's recovered and maybe when you're a tiny bit less angry with him. Plus, it will give you time to work out precisely what it is that you're expecting of him. No ultimatums unless you are deadly serious about carrying it through, or it's all just a lot of hot air and venting. Quite satisfying but not likely to achieve anything but more of the same.

Suffering the consequences of his out-of-control drinking since "earlier this year" is quite a long time when you're on the receiving end of it.

I agree with Bitter. Leave it until you've worked out exactly what you want for yourself and what you expect from him. Then approach him calmly with a definite plan and with resources to help him stop drinking.

If DH is an alcoholic or if his drinking negatively impacts the family, then he will need to stop altogether. It's not easy and he will need more help than you can give him. Look into Alanon for yourself and talk to your/his GP about getting him help.

My brother is an alcoholic. I was an enabler. It was very, very hard to stop myself from enabling him. Even harder for him to stop drinking. He's fallen off the wagon a few times but my refusing to enable him has helped him get back right back on and stay on for longer and longer periods.

When he does it again (he will) what is your plan ?

There will always be a reason to not rock the boat. Christmas, a birthday, holiday, bereavement etc etc etc.

It seems, at least as far as he is concerned, a sharp word from you and an apology from him is the only consequence of his actions

he could live like this for the rest of his life. Could you ?

OP, you need to start attending AlAnon meetings.

Yes! Stop enabling. You don't mean to enable but for heaven's sake anyone married to an alcoholic is an enabler. It is a coping mechanism. And once a month is too much. Once a year is too much. Don't delude yourself with the hopeful phrase "it's not every day". What do you want, a gold star chart rewarding him for the times he has been what most guys are all of the time without any reward...which is called ' being nice'. It's normal to be nice to your wife all of the time. People row and disagree but boozers take this to another level. And it's your fault. He's tired and you don't understand? Boo how. Cry me a river. Your DH is a turkey. Don't be so grateful for the times he's reasonable. I am married to a non-drinker, the son of alcoholic parents. They didn't pull their sh*t every day either but my DH is scarred for life. Really, really, really ask yourself why you don't want to separate.

I've done it, contacted Al-anon that is. I also made my feelings this morning very clear, that I won't stand for this again. I didn't formally issue an ultimatum, but I was very clear that I won't stick around being treated like this, coming second to drink, and putting DS at risk of seeing this behaviour.

DH said he will cut it dramatically, and if he can't drink responsibly, he will quit it. He said he's sad because he likes drinking, but that he likes our relationship more. So he knows it has to change.

What pissed me off even more today was to learn that his parents bought his sorry story about being 'tired' - as the reason he passed out on the train. I at least thought one of them might have given him a bollocking when he arrived at theirs at 1am, but no, they all stayed up for an hour discussing his exhaustion. Methinks they are also enabling.

That is a very wise move, OP. Well done. You have to show him you mean business or this is all ust hot air and nothing will change.

Yes, his parents sound like enablers. It is common for problem drinkers to be surrounded by them.

Awesome OP. This will take all of your strength and you have this I'm abundance. I really admire you. You really love DH and you LO. It is clear. You may get through this together. I hope to heavens you do. A good friend of mine from my secondary school days is married with 3 kids and an alcoholic. He got the ultimatum. He saw the big picture but he is conquering this beast. What has emerged is a so far very sober man who is celebrating his wife and children as if he found them after years of 'losing' them. He's like a whole new man. And his children smile in photos. This is new! It is fantastic to see someone win this battle. Good luck!!

Well done OP. I found Al Anon a warm, thoughtful, supportive community - I hope it's so for you. Good luck

Good for the Alanon contact.

What you need to do is take control of those things you can do right now, baby steps if necessary. You can control what you do. You can control a lot or your DC. You can choose what to believe that he says.

You cannot control him. Or his family.

Well done for contacting AlAnon, but I hope that is just a tiny step.

I literally cannot fathom why you went to pick up a grown man. Even on a hangover he should have been capable of getting the train back. Even if it involved walking a bit to the station, or WHATEVER.

And doing the dinner? Jesus.

There are absolutely no consequences to his actions. You've said that you won't stand around playing second fiddle, but you've already said here that you don't want to leave. He will be able to read you like a book. He knows you don't mean it and that you'll continue to pick up the mess he creates.

He hasn't even given a concrete response to you. What did he say? Some pathetic mewing about "oh I'll try to cut down" (didn't you say he'd already promised that a whole bunch of times?)?

I mean this kindly, but wake up.

I'm sorry to say this and appreciate how hard this is but I completely agree with kaykayblue.

He's not going to change? Why would he? There's no consequences to his actions.