Good morning everyone. Could I please ask your opinions on my situation.
I am nearly 44 years old, a single
man living alone. Throughout my teenage years and all my adult life I
have had no intimate contact with
any woman. That really sums it up.
Things began to go wrong for me just before my 18th birthday. A girl in my class at school had, on reflection,
been paying me a lot of attention. I
got on well with her and found her
very attractive but I didn't reciprocate
because I knew she had a steady
boyfriend and I was wary of treading
on someone else's toes. What I didn't
know was that the relationship was
waning. Anyway said girl decided to
hook up with my brother on New
Year's Eve which was the start of a
nearly four-year relationship for
them. Brother was either unaware of
the boyfriend or had been told that he
was all but out of the picture, thus
leaving the way clear, so to speak.
Rightly or wrongly I couldn't help but feel used, humiliated and very
jealous. Without me, girl and brother
would never have met and I could
well have enjoyed embarking on my
first personal relationship.
I don't think I have ever got over this. I am a shy, quiet and sensitive person at the best of times and this episode gave my modest self-confidence a kicking it didn't need. Since then there has been about half a dozen women (keeping count sounds terrible) I have taken an interest in but nothing has happened. I have asked for dates and drinks a few times but have been turned down on every occasion. I have lost contact (my doing) with the few schoolfriends I had. They are all now either married with children or in long-term relationships and I can't bear the comparison. I have six older brothers and sisters who are similarly settled in life. BTW the brother I mentioned earlier met and married someone else sixteen years ago. Ironically when he broke up with 'my' girl after nearly four years it was ME he came running to for support and company. Beats me why I didn't tell him to get knotted. We're fine these days but I shall never forgive him and her for screwing me around all those years ago.
The older I get the more I feel how disappointing my life is. I work full time in a manual job. No shame there but it's poorly paid and I'm punching under my weight. I work with people much younger than me who find meeting boyfriends and girlfriends as easy as falling off a log. I am very much aware of my personal shortcomings which makes me defensive and aloof, to the point of arrogance according to some folk. I hate socialising, even in the most informal circumstances, and spend most of my time outside work alone. I find it very hard seeing others of all ages getting along and enjoying themselves in carefree fashion, especially in pubs and restaurants and wishing I could do the same.
I would dearly love to be the polar opposite of the man I am. I have spent thirty-odd years having low self-esteem, little confidence and a good deal of introversion and pride. I am fed up of being a shrinking violet in his mid-forties with little to show for it. My only significant achievement is buying and owning my home. It's only a one bedroom flat but it's not rented. It's mine and I am grateful for that every day.
Needless to say I am still a virgin. One or two of my closer workmates know this and are fine with it. Goodness knows what less charitable folk would make of it at my age. Even telling folk I have always been single brings surprised or downright unhelpful responses. How come ? What's wrong with you ? Are you gay or something ? And so on. BTW I am definitely heterosexual.
Have I just been very unlucky ? I shall welcome all your opinions, comments and advice, no matter what.
Thankyou for your indulgence ladies and gents. I appreciate this is a lengthy post. 