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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this right? What's 'normal'?

36 replies

uptodate · 10/12/2014 17:47

Hi, I hope I'm putting this in the right place.

Me and DH have been together for 4 1/2 years, married for 3. We have his DC from his first marriage and a younger DC together.

The thing is, he doesn't have any friends. I have never met any and he doesn't see any friends.

I had a lot of friends when we got together, and over time, because he didn't want to see them, or didn't want me to see them, we lost contact, I guess there's only so many excuses you can make until friends give up on you.

I have mental health problems, but I'm managing them more now and I want friends, neither of us work due to disability. So he's around all the time. I've recently made a friend, who is male, I used to have male and female friends. But now it appears that my husband doesn't want me to go and see my friend, and when I say this he says "But you saw him already this week" or even if it's a female (I am friends with a couple) he says the same. That I've already seen them, he doesn't like me buying my godson (the same couples' son) a card or Christmas presents. And doesn't like that I want to have a social life.

How often can I see my friends? Well, the couple and the male friend as that's all I have now. How often is 'normal'? I really just want to see them and have a social life again.

Sorry if this is waffley, it's been bugging me the last few days but it's been good to get it out.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 10/12/2014 17:58

As much as you like, providing you're not leaving your husband alone with the kids an excessive amount. It doesn't sound like that's the reason he objects, though....sounds like he is controlling.

Some people are more or less social than others but once a week is hardly excessive! It's "normal"! If you were leaving him with the kids four nights a week and taking early nights on the remaining three, he might have a point. As it is, he doesn't!
Shoe on the other foot...if he had friends, how much would you be happy with? I suspect that the answer is more than you see yours. He's created a double standard (albeit not one he cashes in on, couldn't speculate as to why he has no friends....).

Vivacia · 10/12/2014 18:11

How often can I see my friends?

As often as you like.

Lovingfreedom · 10/12/2014 18:18

Yes....as often as you like. It's up to you.

something2say · 10/12/2014 18:24

It seems that what's normal for him is not normal for you. Don't bow to his normal. Demonstrate your own. X

Original poster
uptodate · 11/12/2014 15:30

It's usually been about once a month, whereas I would like once or twice a week. I'm happy for him to go out aswell, but he just doesn't want to. He can be quite controlling sometimes, I tend to go along with what he says because it's easier, but I really do want to be more social.

I would be happy for him to see friends often, of an evening our youngest is in bed by 6 and the 12 year old more or less occupies herself of an evening really.

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/12/2014 15:34

He's happy though, isn't he? It's you that's been prevented from normal, social interaction.

JuxaSnogUnderTheMistletoe · 11/12/2014 17:29

You need to do what you need to do. If you need a social life - and who doesn't? - then have one. Once or twice a week isn't that much, and I'm sure you'd be happy to reciprocate if he wanted you to.

It's ghastly being trapped in a house together like that, never getting another point of view on anything, nothing fresh ever happening. That's not living, it's existing.

Don't settle for that.

Joysmum · 11/12/2014 17:52

I think it's harder when your partner doesn't go out or have friends because you doubt yourself for wanting something they don't have.

However, in your case I think you've got problems because this isn't a guilt you're putting in yourself, it's him controlling you. Once or twice a week with friends is fine if you've got sufficient quality time with your DH. For those who spend more time with others than with their partner I don't think that's fine personally.

Original poster
uptodate · 14/12/2014 19:26

I have gone out twice in the last week and everytime I know I'm doing something wrong. He won't leave my side at home and I feel like I'm being babysat most of the time.

I'm happy for him to go out, actually I try to suggest he goes out but he won't.

I'm not really allowed to make phone calls and if I do, then he will find any excuse to be there with me. Yesterday he pressed up against my side while I was on the phone,for nearly the whole phonecall it's so off putting and annoying.

I'm not even sure whats 'normal' anymore.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 19:29

This certainly is not "normal"

he has already isolated you from existing friends and wants to have total control of any future ones

not "allowed" to make phone calls ? That's an abuser's trick

Original poster
uptodate · 14/12/2014 22:15

It's not so much not allowed, it's more, when I say is that ok to ring Joe bloggs. He says "oh why do you need to speak to him/her again, you only spoke to them so and so time ago" Or "why don't you want to spend time with me/us?"

I'm starting to see that this maybe isn't usual.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 22:23

I never ask my husband if it is ok to ring someone. I just do it. Without the inquisition.

cheapskatemum · 14/12/2014 22:33

What answer do you give when he asks why you want to see/speak to friends more than once a month? Also, have you told him how it made you feel when he sat so close to you when you were on the phone? Some people don't pick up on such things without being told. I think you must be spending a lot of time with each other, so you could also reassure him that you want to spend time with him and DCs, but that you also like to see other people.

PulpsNotFiction · 14/12/2014 22:34

It's not normal to ask permission or even to mention you're going to make a phone call love, it's just not. The only reason I would is as a courtesy if everyone's watching TV and I leave the room to make a call, so they know they don't need to pause it.

May I ask what yours/his disabilities are? Do they prevent either of you from being active? Is that anything to do with it?

Original poster
uptodate · 14/12/2014 22:57

If I say that I'm on the phone to someone and had asked him to move, he would have gone off in a huff, or gone really sad, hurt or upset and I would feel really guilty about it.

I do want to spend time with them, but it's so constant it feels a bit suffocating at times, especially with him.

See if I was to leave the room to use the phone, he wouldn't be happy with that. He would want to hear the conversation.

He has physical disabilities, but can drive, etc. I have some physical but more mental health problems than physical.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 23:05

"sad, hurt or upset" because you are speaking to someone else ?

he is an actual ManBaby

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2014 23:07

He i suffocating you and trying to control you. That is emotional abuse.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/12/2014 23:21

If he's so desperate for diversion (not that I think that's what it is) that he needs to hear your telephone conversations, he can go out and find some friends of his own. He doesn't get to restrict your social interactions and then piggyback on them (for whatever reason - boredom, intimidation, control, etc).

dadwood · 14/12/2014 23:25

No, it is not normal behaviour to control your partner's phone calls. He sounds really controlling and suffocating. I guess he feels vulnerable and wants you all to himself. It isn't a healthy dynamic for a relationship.

dadwood · 14/12/2014 23:28

Being in a controlling and isolating relationship will not be helping your mental health at all. You need your friends.

Joysmum · 15/12/2014 09:14

That's certainly not normal. Sorry, but you've got problems there Sad

Original poster
uptodate · 15/12/2014 11:11

Yes that is it, he wants me all to himself. Even when I'm spending time with the eldest (watching a film upstairs) he says he misses me and that we should be together, doing stuff as a family.

Last night, I was watching a film upstairs, playing on my phone, and he came up to sit with me, so I asked what he was doing this evening. And he said, I've come to be with you. I said that I was just watching a film, and he said that he thought we were watching x factor final, (been loosely following it) so I said ok, he said we're watching it downstairs, and then spent the time mostly asleep. Then as soon as I got a text message, he jumps up and squashes me again by sitting so close.

It all sounds so silly, but it's so suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me, literally.

I ask my friends to call me because it's easier than having to explain why I want to phone so-and-so. It's tiring.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2014 12:01

I could not live like that. He sounds like a fucking loser. Sorry. You will lose more and more respect for him until your skin actually crawls when he comes near you.

I expect you found his neediness endearing/flattering and sign of "deeper love" or some other such crap at first.

It's not.

BuzzardBirdRoast · 15/12/2014 12:07

Oh my God, I would feel completely suffocated, I don't know how you haven't told him to fuck the fuck off!

I think you only need to read your own posts to know it's not 'normal'.

You already know what you need to do, tell him it's up to you what you do and ffs stop asking him for permission to do things!

PulpsNotFiction · 15/12/2014 13:53

I wondered whether you'd say your health problems were mental health related. I'm certainly no GP but I would bet that your mental health would significantly improve if you get rid of this leech who is literally sucking the life out of you Sad

He is controlling and abusive. I hope you can find strength to break free.