Is this right? What's 'normal'?

[uptodate]

Hi, I hope I'm putting this in the right place.

Me and DH have been together for 4 1/2 years, married for 3. We have his DC from his first marriage and a younger DC together.

The thing is, he doesn't have any friends. I have never met any and he doesn't see any friends.

I had a lot of friends when we got together, and over time, because he didn't want to see them, or didn't want me to see them, we lost contact, I guess there's only so many excuses you can make until friends give up on you.

I have mental health problems, but I'm managing them more now and I want friends, neither of us work due to disability. So he's around all the time. I've recently made a friend, who is male, I used to have male and female friends. But now it appears that my husband doesn't want me to go and see my friend, and when I say this he says "But you saw him already this week" or even if it's a female (I am friends with a couple) he says the same. That I've already seen them, he doesn't like me buying my godson (the same couples' son) a card or Christmas presents. And doesn't like that I want to have a social life.

How often can I see my friends? Well, the couple and the male friend as that's all I have now. How often is 'normal'? I really just want to see them and have a social life again.

Sorry if this is waffley, it's been bugging me the last few days but it's been good to get it out.

[JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe]

From what I've heard (and from reading many many threads on MN over the course of 10 years) SS don't take children from parents just because of mental health problems. I bet, too, that your MH problems would be alleviated enormously if you didn't have a leech stuck to you 24/7.

[MistAndAWeepingRain]

the kids would be taken off me because of my mental health.

Has he told you this? Your mental health would have to be very bad indeed for him to be awarded sole residency. Most agencies will work with you to help ensure that you can cope. Have you got a Health Visitor or GP you trust? Please talk this through with someone who can give you some practical advice.

[Mabelface]

Did he tell you that you wouldn't be able to cope with the kids due to your mental health? By the way, he's not the boss of you and you don't need to ask his permission to do anything.

[BuzzardBirdRoast]

You have asked on here if it is 'normal'. We have all, without exception, said "no!"
Do you plan to do anything with this unaminous reply?

[JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe]

Why could you not live without him?

[LisaMed]

It is not going to get better and it is very likely to get worse.

Can you cope with it not getting better and what would happen if it got worse?

Personally, if it was me it would have a massively negative impact on my mental health and well being. If you do not think you can continue then you need to get in touch with your mental health support and ask for help getting out of the relationship. If you cannot cope with this suffocation then you need to find ways to survive without him, because he has no reason to change. He is happy when he has you all to himself and he will continue to work to reduce your contact with others.

Can you imagine what it would be like if he did drive your friends away, or they kept forgetting to call you because you couldn't call them?

Wishing you all the luck!

[Meerka]

he doesn't like me buying my godson (the same couples' son) a card or Christmas presents. And doesn't like that I want to have a social life.

^I have gone out twice in the last week and everytime I know I'm doing something wrong. He won't leave my side at home and I feel like I'm being babysat most of the time.

..I'm not really allowed to make phone calls...^

... if I was to leave the room to use the phone, he wouldn't be happy with that. He would want to hear the conversation.

I ask for "permission" so I know what I can or can't do, it's easier than doing something wrong and then having the fall out.

..... all this is not normal. This wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You are not a fecking 13 year old girl - and if you were, every 13 year old would be extremely upset to be treated like this.

The clincher?:


He constantly has to be touching me, literally

I don't know how you can bear that. Or maybe you can't. But how utterly suffocating. You're like his big teddy bear. Cute in a 6 yo if he can't put his teddy down; fecking weird in an adult.

Have you had any legal advice as to what would happen if you separate? Becuase you know, some of your MH problems may well pre-date this suffocating. But I bet a lot of them are made a helluva lot worse. With the right support and being able to have a life, you might find things better.

Plus it's accepted and proven that a reasonable social life seriously impacts positively on a person's MH.

I would find out your position legally and then (if it's positive) use that to gently create some changes in the marriage. You say you love him; ok fair enough you might not want to leave. But you do need to be able to breathe!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

That is never going to happen while you stay with him, op

Please contact Womens Aid.

Nobody has to stay with an abuser in this day and age.

[Littlefish]

"I ask for "permission" so I know what I can and can't do"

There are two parts to this.

Do your mental health issues cause you to doubt your own judgement, or is it because he is completely controlling?

Sulking, feeling sad, or getting cross if you make your own decisions about your friendships, being by yourself, making phone calls etc. is extremely worrying. It is controlling, and abusive.

His behaviour is not normal. He has isolated you from your friends and is now seeking to control how you behave in your own home.

You got married very quickly after meeting - why was this? By any chance, was he incredibly charming and swept you off your feet, overwhelming you with early declarations of love, wanting to spend lots of time with you etc.?

I suggest you speak to your GP or Women's aid to discuss the situation with them.

[MorrisZapp]

Why would an adult need to ask another adult if it's ok to make a phone call? That is so, so not normal.

Before you met this guy, did you have any independence? Or have you always lived with people telling you what to do? He isn't your owner or boss, he is your equal. If you want to phone somebody in privacy, you do it. If the fallout from that is awful, then I'm sorry but you need to get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave this abuser.

[uptodate]

I ask for "permission" so I know what I can or can't do, it's easier than doing something wrong and then having the fall out.

I can't leave him, I wouldn't be able to live without him, and the kids would be taken off me because of my mental health.

He loves me, and I love him, I guess I just wish I could have a life aswell.

[PulpsNotFiction]

I wondered whether you'd say your health problems were mental health related. I'm certainly no GP but I would bet that your mental health would significantly improve if you get rid of this leech who is literally sucking the life out of you

He is controlling and abusive. I hope you can find strength to break free.

[BuzzardBirdRoast]

Oh my God, I would feel completely suffocated, I don't know how you haven't told him to fuck the fuck off!

I think you only need to read your own posts to know it's not 'normal'.

You already know what you need to do, tell him it's up to you what you do and ffs stop asking him for permission to do things!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I could not live like that. He sounds like a fucking loser. Sorry. You will lose more and more respect for him until your skin actually crawls when he comes near you.

I expect you found his neediness endearing/flattering and sign of "deeper love" or some other such crap at first.

It's not.

[uptodate]

Yes that is it, he wants me all to himself. Even when I'm spending time with the eldest (watching a film upstairs) he says he misses me and that we should be together, doing stuff as a family.

Last night, I was watching a film upstairs, playing on my phone, and he came up to sit with me, so I asked what he was doing this evening. And he said, I've come to be with you. I said that I was just watching a film, and he said that he thought we were watching x factor final, (been loosely following it) so I said ok, he said we're watching it downstairs, and then spent the time mostly asleep. Then as soon as I got a text message, he jumps up and squashes me again by sitting so close.

It all sounds so silly, but it's so suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me, literally.

I ask my friends to call me because it's easier than having to explain why I want to phone so-and-so. It's tiring.

[Joysmum]

That's certainly not normal. Sorry, but you've got problems there

[dadwood]

Being in a controlling and isolating relationship will not be helping your mental health at all. You need your friends.

[dadwood]

No, it is not normal behaviour to control your partner's phone calls. He sounds really controlling and suffocating. I guess he feels vulnerable and wants you all to himself. It isn't a healthy dynamic for a relationship.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

If he's so desperate for diversion (not that I think that's what it is) that he needs to hear your telephone conversations, he can go out and find some friends of his own. He doesn't get to restrict your social interactions and then piggyback on them (for whatever reason - boredom, intimidation, control, etc).

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

He i suffocating you and trying to control you. That is emotional abuse.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

"sad, hurt or upset" because you are speaking to someone else ?

he is an actual ManBaby

[uptodate]

If I say that I'm on the phone to someone and had asked him to move, he would have gone off in a huff, or gone really sad, hurt or upset and I would feel really guilty about it.

I do want to spend time with them, but it's so constant it feels a bit suffocating at times, especially with him.

See if I was to leave the room to use the phone, he wouldn't be happy with that. He would want to hear the conversation.

He has physical disabilities, but can drive, etc. I have some physical but more mental health problems than physical.

[PulpsNotFiction]

It's not normal to ask permission or even to mention you're going to make a phone call love, it's just not. The only reason I would is as a courtesy if everyone's watching TV and I leave the room to make a call, so they know they don't need to pause it.

May I ask what yours/his disabilities are? Do they prevent either of you from being active? Is that anything to do with it?

[cheapskatemum]

What answer do you give when he asks why you want to see/speak to friends more than once a month? Also, have you told him how it made you feel when he sat so close to you when you were on the phone? Some people don't pick up on such things without being told. I think you must be spending a lot of time with each other, so you could also reassure him that you want to spend time with him and DCs, but that you also like to see other people.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I never ask my husband if it is ok to ring someone. I just do it. Without the inquisition.