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Original poster

You no longer fancy your DH- would you end it?

54 replies

lesley1960 · 10/12/2014 17:17

I am looking for gut reactions and don't want to give too many details for anon reasons.

Sex life never been great, had doubts at the wedding, went ahead anyway but it's been a stormy ride.

DH is the kindest most supportive guy ever, still in good shape, but there is no chemistry there for me now and wasn't masses at the start- I admit it was a biological clock' must settle down now, it will be okay' kind of feeling I had.

I am now looking at the next 30 years I might have and wondering if I ought to end things. Our marriage is almost sexless- something like 3 times this year and 6 months since the last time. I hate the way he kisses and he just doesn't 'do it' for me, but I'd lose a lot materially and financially.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/12/2014 18:32

I love him very much but as a friend, brother, whatever. I don't love him as a sexual partner and reject him all the time

Does he know this? I can't see as how he can if you've got cause to text him all the time?

This is as much his decision as yours.

My advice is be honest. He may not want to live a sexless existence and certainly wouldn't want to inadvertently be a sex pest in the hope of some action.

If after you've bothbeen honest you BOTH decide to continue in the marriage, it may well be that a change of boundaries might be appropriate.

Joysmum · 10/12/2014 18:33

*text = reject Blush

VanitasVanitatum · 10/12/2014 18:40

You did say it was a biological clock, must settle down thing, I know you have said different since but that was all rather defensive - no wonder people feel sorry for DH, you used him for a family but constantly reject him and don't love him properly, must be horrible for him and sounds like a selfish decision on your part, not on what would be best for him. Sounds like it would be better for both of you to be apart.

Westendgal · 10/12/2014 18:43

Was going to suggest counselling, OP, but you got there ahead of me. Excellent idea.

simontowers2 · 10/12/2014 18:57

That's a very interesting post victoriamhomedreamer. I've seen it myself also.

CatCushion · 10/12/2014 18:59

Have you been to the GP to check and see if you may have lowered labido due to a physical reason?

To answer your question, no. Because there have been times when my sex drive has been zilch, for physical reasons, and our marriage is more than sex (or earnings).

Boblad · 10/12/2014 18:59

It's a strange one given the length of time you have been married however I will return to a point I made yesterday and it's a point people should realise, it's because your DH is too nice, you find him boring and nearly all women find it a massive turn off

beaglesaresweet · 10/12/2014 19:42

it depends whether you are attarcted to others and get a response (I mean flirting). If you still feel young and active, I think you should split up. You won't lose that much financially as divorce settlements aer very generous after 30yrs and several kids. Emotionally - yes, it will be painful and you will feel guilty and sorry for DH, it's inevitable, but any big decision is potentially painful even if it's the right one.

banburycake · 10/12/2014 19:52

Lesley1960 I feel your pain - not the exact same circumstances but married to a real 'nice guy boy next door' sort for 25yrs. Just doesn't do it for me anymore.
Thing is and this sounds grabby but when you don't have little children you really are on your own.
We still have a mortgage and equity would not be anywhere enough to secure a little home for me. I work part time love my job but no extra hours available. I would not be able to support myself.
Splitting a family home after so long. Giving up family traditions, upsetting our adult children who still live with us.
Causing pain to relatives.
The list is never ending.
I went to see a Solicitor and afterwards was very upset. It's not easy even getting out of a marriage. To say you no longer love your spouse is not a divorce reason.
For me practically and emotionally it seems impossible at the moment.
I feel trapped and all the time I'm getting older and more frustrated by my situation.
Really mean. You are not alone Flowers

arlagirl · 10/12/2014 20:38

Agree with you banburycake

OxonConfusedDotCom · 10/12/2014 20:58

Think some gave been a little harsh - many/most don't marry their soilmate/true love/whatever, that's the real world. And it can be the loneliest thing to feel as she does within a marriage.

dementedma · 10/12/2014 21:04

banburycake you just wrote my life story.

berceuse · 10/12/2014 21:16

OP I had a relationship like this, I was much younger though, it lasted from the age of 22 to 33.

He was (and still is) one of the nicest people you could ever meet. We both had brilliant careers, lovely house, new cars, holidays, got on like a house on fire, etc., etc.. Looked perfect from the outside.

But I loved him in a brotherly way. I stayed for so long because I didn't want to hurt him but it wasn't right for me and I did leave eventually. All very painful but we remained great friends, helping each other to move out when our house was sold etc., etc.. Even spending a Christmas together a year later when he was too ill to travel to see his family.

Lots of people said I was mad to end it because you can't have everything and we had a lot, we were friends, shared everything, supported each other, spent all our time together but I just didn't fancy him.

But end it I did and a year or so on he acknowledged that it was the right thing to do. We both married other people, he married someone who wants him for him and in all the ways I didn't, I know he is very happy which makes me glad.

I hope you read this, even though it is very hard it can be done. Hopefully you can remain friends. I don't think you have got anything other than everyone's best interests at heart, his or yours.

A very difficult decision, I really feel for you and wish you well.

Chuckthefucklebrothers · 10/12/2014 21:21

Yes, I would... And I did. Still feel sad about it sometimes but I know it was the right thing to do.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 10/12/2014 21:49

Thirty years is a long time. If the spark hasn't been there for 30 years, it's unlikely to suddenly appear.

Looking after the home and children ARE equally as valuable as a high-earning career. And the English courts recognise that as being the case.

It must be quite sad for you. And there is nothing wrong with admitting defeat now and seeking a more emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.

ouryve · 10/12/2014 22:00

your DH is too nice, you find him boring and nearly all women find it a massive turn off

What utter bollocks.

OP, you need to lay your cards on the table with your DH, I'm afraid. And if you feel unable to be completely up front with him about how you're feeling, then that suggests that you don't have the necessary friendship to carry your relationship forward into a different phase.

Flimflammer · 10/12/2014 22:06

Yes I would end it because for me sex is what makes the relationship. You can be close to a man but not want sex and that makes them a good friend. You should want sex with the one you chose, and if you don't then it isn't the right relationship for either of you.

Having watched a close friend continue her relationship loooooooong after the sex died(about 9 years in her 30's), I can tell you it leads to all sorts of blind eye turning, deception, lying and in the end resentment and pain.

victorianhomedreamer · 11/12/2014 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moniker1 · 11/12/2014 08:54

I read the OP thinking you've been in a marriage max of 3 years and no kids were involved. Love your optimism that you'll live a healthy, active lifestyle another 30 years

Haha, yes, me too.

You sound very selfish to have married someone as your biological clock was ticking, let him provide generously for you and your DCs and now they've grown you can't wait to dump him.

Do you feel you have aged well whilst he hasn't (the lack of sex life)?

I am your age and my DH is fattish, bald, and couldn't look less, or act less, like the debonair, handsome chap I married 30 years ago. But as retirement beckons I am looking at what I can do to give myself an interesting and rewarding life, and what I can do to encourage a happier and more loving home life with DH.

It would be nice to be free of responsibilities and able to do what you want in life when you want but imo having a secure home, someone to come home to, someone with equal interest and commitment to my DCs is more important. So I won't be heading off for a new independent life any time soon.

Counselling might be what you both need to shake things up a bit so def worth a try.

Moniker1 · 11/12/2014 09:06

Oh, and DH is on a Viagra type pill so our sex life is good!

UmizoomiThis · 11/12/2014 15:00

I was being serious about your optimism that you'll live a healthy lifestyle.

I'm almost a generation younger than you and I've seen my parents' retirement plans go to hell after a series of strokes left my healthy and larger-than-life DF disabled and needing 24hr care (by my DM). His parents and grandparents also lived into their late 80s and 90s and were active until their end. No guarantees, I'm afraid.

I also watched my FIL waste away over a couple of years with terminal cancer, while his partner of 8 years started to distance herself when he began deteriorating until she pretty much abandoned him emotionally and physically in the last months of his life and broke his heart.

But hey, she was full of fun and joy when he was healthy and really enjoyed all those holidays and days out. Sad.

higgle · 11/12/2014 16:49

I'm much the same age as you, OP, and have been married for 30 years. I think these feelings of discontent can arise in our late 50's because time is running out, however you look at it. 5-7 years and I suppose you will both be retired, the growing realisation brings about a second mid-life crisis for some of us. I have spent part of the last year acknowledging that I'm older, that I have missed some opportunities and doing a mental audit of my life. I'm lucky in that I do find my DH very attractive but I have had a look at our lifestyle and felt a bit depressed. I've also noticed when visiting friends this year that there are a lot of separate bedrooms.

If it was me and I was deeply unhappy I'd probably leave. I have my own money and a well paid job, I could cope. I wouldn't hold out too much hope of meeting someone more attractive or getting better sex though if I was you. I've come across a lot of people in second marriages and relationships in the course of my work and strokes, dementia, ill health mean these sorts of relationships are a bit of a gamble, and even if the mind is wiling at 60+ male flesh can be weak. As the great philosophers on Location Location Location say it is all about compromise. Could you not try couples counselling, or maybe just find some activities you do enjoy together? I'd agree with some of the other posters that you need to discuss some of your feelings with your husband soon.

The way we feel about our partners, jobs family etc. can (I find) change very much from day to day. I suspect that you have not felt like tis constantly for 30 years because if you had you would have left before now. I also suspect you would have struggled with fidelity if you found your husband so very unattractive constantly for years on end. is there anyone who knows you well you can have a talk to?

Another thing I know from experience is that one tends to look forward to this part of life when you have less family responsibilities and supposedly more time but it doesn't always work out as being loads of fun, as expected. Whilst I wouldn't be so banal as to say "count your blessings" I do feel you need to look at what brings you general satisfaction in life and try to factor a bit more of it in.

Westendgal · 11/12/2014 17:06

Well said, higgle. I think it's a bit of a myth that we all link hands accross the empty nest and skip off into the sunset.

simontowers2 · 11/12/2014 17:24

The other thing is that if sex is the main issue, as it seems to be, there is a dwindling pot of blokes as you get past 60. The MIL goes on cruises a few times a year and the grey pound is in abundance; she says there are often 3-4 women after each unattached bloke. Bit grim really, although not if u are an older bloke - in which case it's fill yer boots time (or, rather, fill yer comfortable slip-ons time).

minipie · 11/12/2014 17:25

I think it comes down to whether

  1. you are actually unhappy day to day in your marriage, don't enjoy your DH's company, find him annoying

or

  1. you are generally happy, get on well with your DH, enjoy his company but just wonder if you could be even happier with someone else that you fancy.

It's not quite clear from your posts which it is.

If it's 1) then yes leave. If it's 2) then no, personally I wouldn't leave.

If it's 2) then I think the chances of some new relationship working out overall better than your existing one are pretty small. Yes you might find someone you fancy more, but you wouldn't have all the shared history and you might find them annoying/unpleasant in ways your DH isn't. Enjoyable companionship with someone you have a shared history and family with has a lot going for it. It's not that easy to find someone you can enjoyably live with, especially as you get older and more fixed in your ways (not a comment on your age... I'm 34 and pretty fixed in my ways.)

This is purely from the perspective of your own interests.

Now add in the impact on your DH and your children (they may be grown up but they will be upset and affected) - this adds more reasons to stay together. But only if it's 2). If it's 1) I'd still leave regardless of the impact on others.