Ultimatum given of buy a flat or live with DP, gutted and don't know what to do.

[BackInTheGame]

Sorry this is so long - I am feeling very stressed about my current situation and was hoping for some advice from you excellent ladies (and men).

For background, my DP and I have been together for 3 years and I really want us to move in together (we are currently renting separately with friends). DP is happy to move in together but also happy with the status quo. I am also in a position to buy a flat, having saved a deposit and earning a relatively good salary. DP has not saved as much and does not earn as much so can’t currently buy somewhere on his own. We have agreed not to buy together unless we get married as we think it could get too messy if we broke up. We also think it would be a very big risk given we haven’t lived together before. I really want to change my job next year as I currently work very long hours and it is very stressful, however this would mean taking quite a salary cut. I therefore need to buy asap as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my new salary (live in London so am only just able to afford somewhere on current salary, no chance of affording somewhere on new salary, and house prices constantly growing). DP has said he is happy for me to buy somewhere and would be happy to live in it for a while with me (and pay rent, so I would be able to afford to pay off monthly mortgage payments even after the drop in salary) but would want us to eventually sell it and buy our own place with his contributions if we got married, which I totally agree with.

So the problem now is that DP’s lease is coming to an end next month and he just told me yesterday that I have a choice that I have to make by the end of this week(!) – either I don’t buy a flat and we rent together from when his lease runs out (I can break my lease then to move in with him to a new rented property), or I go ahead and buy a flat but then he will re-sign his lease with his friend for another year, which would mean we couldn't live together (and he couldn’t live with me in my newly bought flat) until next January. The reason for this choice is that obviously it could take me a while to buy a flat – I have lots of viewings at the moment but you never know if you will see somewhere you like, if you will get an offer accepted, if the survey will be ok, how long it will take to sort out etc. And DP is worried that it could take me longer to buy somewhere than he has left on his lease, leaving him with nowhere to stay for a while. My flatmates however have said it would be ok for him to stay with us for a while and I will do everything I can to buy somewhere asap. DP says he wouldn’t feel comfortable moving into my rented flat for a while and that there’s not enough space (despite him doing so a couple of years ago for 3 weeks when he was between flats!)

It is DP’s flatmate who has set the one-week deadline as he apparently has an offer to live with other friends if DP won’t re-sign with him but he has to let these friends know asap. The deadline would still be in 3 weeks’ time though as DP’s landlord wants to know whether they are re-signing.

DP doesn’t see what the problem is, he seems to think it doesn’t matter if I don’t buy a flat now as we can buy together in a few years’ time and that it equally doesn't matter if we don’t live together for another year as everything is fine as it is. I however think he is being totally unrealistic about buying together in a few years. The London property market is growing out of control and given I am looking to take a salary cut, I think in a few years’ time we will have been priced out of the market. It seems crazy to me not to buy when you can, especially given I have worked so hard and saved so much and it would seem a total waste of that effort. On the other hand I am devastated at the thought of DP signing his lease for another year as I can’t imagine waiting a whole extra year to live with him – I feel like we’ve already waited long enough and I am at the stage where I just want to have a proper life together. We are late 20s/early 30s so it’s not like I’m rushing something in my early 20s. I also don’t want to move into the new flat on my own, which as well as making me sad that he wasn’t there would mean I would either have to struggle with the mortgage on my own or get a stranger to move in to help pay it.

If anyone has any ideas on how to solve this I would be so grateful for your advice and would equally be happy to hear people telling me I’m being stupid about either wanting desperately to get on the property ladder or wanting desperately to live with DP now instead of in a year’s time.

the big difference between a lodger and a dp is how many bedrooms. i assume you're looking at 2-bed places, but if finance is that tight why not look at 1-beds?

I loved living alone in my little 1-bed before i met my now dh, or actually i bought it after i met him but we weren't serious yet so i went ahead and bought alone to get on the ladder as it were.

Maybe you just arent right for eachother.

You both say you want to commit. But, you seem to prioritize the housing ladder, and he seems to prioritize living with his mates.

Dreaming is right, maybe you should put the purchase on hold, rent somewhere together and see how suited you are?

if it was me, i'd buy a small 1-bed that fits me nicely and i can afford. dp could then move in later or not... and if all goes well with him you could then look to sell and buy somewhere bigger.

Buy your own place while you can! Let him move in and pay towards his keep, if it works out, get married etc

Don't put off buying because of him.

Actually I agree with museumum. Sounds cozy.

Yes, if you don't have kids, I don't see the point in stretching yourself financially for a 2BR you're not going to stay in long-term anyway.

I wouldn't let him put pressure on me. I'd take him out of the equation altogether. I would also buy now, on my own, and not wait until later down the line. I bought (not in London) and lived alone for a few years before taking in a lodger. I could afford the mortgage/bills with my own salary, but the extra money helped.

I would make sure you can DEFINITELY cover mortgage, bills, other outgoings, etc on your expected lower income without any additional rental income from a lodger - that way anything extra you get will always be a bonus, not a necessity. I think it's fine if you can see that your finances will be stretched, but not fine if you simply cannot afford them.

Also, be careful that your DP doesn't have his official set-up (and rent) with the boys but then end up crossing over into your place when he wants his washing doing or his meals cooking - that's venturing into cocklodger territory and no-one wants a cocklodger.

You are desperate to buy a place. He doesn't want to help with that, or can't, but does quite reasonably want a secure place to live where he is not beholden to anyone or living out of a rucksack. So just buy the place and deal with the relationship separately.

you don't need him to help you buy, in fact he can't help you buy, so just buy (if you want to and are sure about it from a financial pov etc).

If there are good reasons why you won't buy together till you are married (and there are - I agree with them), then just wait till you are married, obv. He isn't ready. You might be more ready than him. whatever.

the thing is, your relationship and your property aren't dependent on each other. (what a great position to be in!) so don't somehow think you can give up the house for the sake of the relationship, because you can give up the house and still find the relationship doomed - or buy your solo place and find the relationship thrives. You have somehow talked yourself into thinking you are in an either or state when the two are running on a whole different and independent set of factors.

EXCEPT

• if you don't buy and think he somehow "wouldn't let you" (which is not the case) you may resent him.

• if you do buy and he moves in and contributes financially, you need to consider him as having contributed to the mortgage and that has implications, morally if not legally. It is well dodgy to invite a partner to live with you, let them pay towards the bills and then say 5 years later "but it is mine, all mine". Lodgers are much more cut and dried from this perspective.

Personally I think you are not in sync over this but I actually think leaving him to his own devices for a bit while you chill in your exqusite little flat might move him onto your time table a bit more. If you are going somewhere and you want someone to hurry up, speed up. If you dawdle with them, you will be both late, and you will resent him. If you just go where you want to go, they might see sense and speed up and join you. but at least you were moving even if you leave him behind

Yeah I was going to post about interest rates too.

If you are effectively planning a wage cut be very careful about what you think you can afford, a rise of just 2% is going to land a lot of people in difficulties. And its very likely.

I guess it comes down to how unhappy will you be in a flat of your own without DP (and getting a lodger in for example) vs how unhappy you would be renting with DP.

I have never had a mortgage that is more than it would cost to live in the same type of property/area so I always think affording a mortgage on a lower salary is easier than some of the massive rents.

I would get yourself on the ladder if that is what you want without him.

I am extremely cynical. If you marry and get a mortgage together it can be much messier and more costly to separate. Unmarried and a proper legal document stating each persons share of the property and deposit is the way to go imo.

From my experience OP, I bought a little one bed flat on my own when I was single (in London, zone 2).

I could afford it with a bit of a stretch and got a fixed rate mortgage for 3 years so i could manage my outgoings better.

I then met DH 2 years after that. We decided we wanted to live together after 8 months or so and so I decided to rent out that flat.

I got consent to let from my mortgage company which allowed me to stay on the same mortgage with no penalties. They renewed the consent to let for me for 3 further years after that.

I later remortgaged the flat on a buy to let basis, and with the capital gain and mortgage income it has been a really good investment. Of course you do pay tax on your rental income, which is a consideration.

Getting on the London ladder is a good investment, as long as you can afford the inevitable interest rate rise.

For what its worth different mortgages have different rules about consent to let so its worth finding out the rules before hand so you know where you stand.

Sorry, that should be 'rental income' not 'mortgage income'.

Honestly, if he's not prepared to marry you by now, will he ever?
Buy your little flat and let him solve his housing problems, or he lives with you in your flat.
Even if you have to sell (or rent it out), if prices are going up, you're better off on the ladder than out. But make sure you don't buy too close to your affordability limit, or it may go very wrong.
I'd really be evaluating the relationship now. Where do you see it going? Will you be waiting for him to want to commit forever?
IME, most such people are actually not sure about the relationship, end up leaving their current partners and marrying and having kids very quickly with other people.

Agree with the others, do what suits you.

I'd advise popping into a mortgage calculator site and calculating repayments with a 2% rate rise.

You've got the option of buying s one bed and never having the option of a lodger to help with bills, or a 2 bed for a lodger (needs to be a big enough 2nd bedroom though).

You'll be able to calculate what income you could generate from a lodger and compare it to the additional mortgage and running costs of a one bed to see which is the most viable, not forgetting to factor in a period each year where the room isn't attracting income

I don't think I would buy a place with a mortgage on the basis that I would rent it out if I couldn't afford it. Especially if I was planning to take a substantial loss in salary. That is a risky move with a non-committal boyfriend in the mix.

Assuming affordability issues are kept under control I think getting on London property ladder is your best bet. If you're serious about dp id be putting pressure on him to move into your shared flat short term and stick with the plan for him to move into your new flat. If he is so bothered about living with his mates like an eternal student then I would reevaluate the relationship.

I don't see why you have to be the one under pressure here. It screams you care more than he does.

Tell him it's time for him to choose. You've been very clear what you want. He needs to be clear what he wants. Just wanting things to stay the same is a very immature attitude. It really doesn't sound like your dp is the one you eventually deserve to be with.

Looking back it was very easy for dh and I to decide when to live together and when to buy together. All this drama shouldn't be happening to you. When you both want different things it's a red flag that the relationship isn't working.

I don't see why he is rushing you OP- he doesn't have to sign a new lease, it will just go onto a rolling contract. Therefore, what's the rush for him?

Buying far out (which zone?)
Area you don't know
Etc
Yep could be lonely unless you prepared to join local gyms etc and find local community. Eg if you have a religion and get involved in local church/whatever.

How far is current rental from probable buy ?

Why is it your job to sort out your DP's accommodation needs?

I'd do what suits you best, and don't take him into account at all.

I fail to see why he cannot save and buy with you together or plan to get married, but has no qualms about hurrying you into buying somewhere so he can be your lodger.

Sorry, red flags.

Rents are often higher than mortgages in London, I'd buy a flat ASAP.

Prices only go one way in London in the longterm and higher than anywhere else

Wish I'd bought a flat in Maida Vale for 55k when I could instead of renting

This actually reminds me of a conversation I overheard recently, about a man talking to his male friend about his brother. Apparently the brother's girlfriend had "bought herself a flat" and was "charging the brother rent" and "not even adding him to the title deeds". And the advice being given was to "read her the riot act" and why should he contribute without getting a share, "shows her who's boss", "give her an ultimatum and move out if she won't add you to the deeds", etc., etc.

Do t forget, you can always look at mortgages with fixed rate periods. That's what we did with our buy to let's, wrongly as it turned out because the rate never increased and the rate was higher than a standard mortgage, but it bought peace of mind in those early years of higher expense to get to know the houses and tgeir needs.

Get your own place and do not sell it in the future to buy a place together. If you need extra income next year, just let out one of the rooms and that'll help you pay the mortgage. Don't rely on your DP and you don't need to either.

And as others have suggested, you could buy and then rent it out, and use that cash to pay off the mortgage. Meanwhile rent a place with your DP. I think this is far less messier.

The thing is, if you rent out the flat then you might not be quite as quids in as you thought.

Not only is there the tax to pay on the rental income (which is a nightmare as it is), but you obviously either have to find a tenant yourself, or have an agency to do it for you. You have to draw up legal contracts. If the boiler goes, you're the one who has to pay £500 to get it fixed.

Then what do you do if the tenant moves out and it takes you a while to find a new one?

I agree with others that it would be much better to go for a one bed, maybe a bit smaller than what you were originally hoping, or maybe even a bit of a fixer upper. You'd get the cut in council tax as well. It's not wise to take on a mortgage that you could afford IF.....That's really asking for trouble. Go for a mortgage that you know you can afford. If boyfriend moves in, that will be an added bonus of the mortgage getting paid off quicker, but it shouldn't be dependent on that.

If your boyfriend wanted to move in later, then fine, but I'd recommend speaking to a solicitor about it, and getting a formal agreement drawn up well in advance of his moving in, just for everyone's peace of mind.