Ignore nasty letter from abusive family or defend myself?

[animalsunited]

To cut a long story short, I've not had contact with most of my family for a couple of years. They have been abusive throughout my childhood and beyond. I have three lovely children, a happy marriage and good ILs so for the sake of my mental well being and my children I walked away.

Every so often they try to attempt contact but yesterday I received a pretty nasty letter from one of them. Full of blame etc

I'm so tempted to reply, even just to say don't contact me anymore! It really tries to insinuate I'm the problem and my poor dh and his family reluctantly put up with and support me (that particularly riles me).

That is, the worst thing you can do to them from their pov

Have opened them. Not bad gifts actually. A lovely coat which would have looked lovely on my baby but no way could I put her in it!

Will give to charity, was heading there anyway with other toys

This thread has really helped me feel like I'm not alone. I cut all ties last year with my family and I was wondering what to do if they send Christmas gifts this year. It will probably be money. Should I throw that away? I ripped up a cheque they sent me for my birthday and didn't read the card. Friends have told me I should have kept the money.

I used to tear up cheques and even gift cards . Not been sent cash thankfully. Give it to charity maybe?

Don't read letter again rip it up and throw it away. In future do this before reading. I'm already worrying about what to do if my mother sends a card/ present for Christmas and for the birth of my child in January as I don't want anything from her ever again. It's upsetting and horrible. Really don't keep the letter as you'll be tempted to read it and it will only upset you all over.

happybubblebrain - I would send the money, or a gift card, back. Again with no note, no explanation, no words.

They will know where it's come from. With a cheque it is simple because they will be able to see you haven't cashed it - with actual cash they will be thinking you've spent it (and possibly telling people they still "have" to send you money ).

Thanks Santas. I will just send anything back unopened. That has solved a dilemma for me. Merry Christmas.

Animalsunited. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

Sending back unopened is tempting but I feel it is still contact. Still drama for them. This way they don't even know if I got it/read it or not.

Keep them guessing!

You could always send it back with a roll of festive bog roll

Or just burn it.

I might burn it on New Years Eve. As a kind of new year resolution to remain strong and not let them get to me in 2015!

I agree sending anything back is giving them contact and playing straight into their hands. Don't do it. Just bin it or throw away.

"Bin it or throw away" - doh - meant bin it or GIVE away!

You will drive them BONKERS by not replying
I wouldn't bother sending the gifts back either - ohhh you could donate them to charity near where they live... hahaha

If you wish, you can also write "refused by recipient" on mail and send it back - though I'm inclined to agree that even this gives them something to mull over and should probably be avoided in favour of just ripping letters up

Any charity shop will be delighted to get the gifts, especially at this time of year - and it would be wonderful to turn their hatefulness into something nice. Apart from anything else, you can enjoy thinking how much it would have wound them up

No no no - radio silence is all that is required.

Just as you're taking the coat to a charity shop, shove the money in a charity tin.

And take this as a reminder of why you went NC in the first place, as if you needed one.

Do not be tempted to reply. They do not want to hear your message and your reply will be used by them against you. They want to draw you back into their dysfunctional world.

Radio silence therefore from you must be maintained.

Replying to these people will simply give them the green light to bother you even more. This is the problem with sending anything back "return to sender", its a response. Shred their destructive letter if you have not already done so, do not give it any more power.

What your toxic family of origin have tried to do here is called hoovering.

Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behavior. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honored, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

How horrible for you. I would normally suggest radio silence. But as you mention that the nub of the nastiness relates to how you are perceived by your DH and in-laws maybe another tack might serve a purpose. Would there be any benefit to a note from him saying that he read the letter and you did not (as you had no wish to) and that he had not shared the details therein but generally disabuse them of any view that he and your family are anything but supportive of you and to well, fuck off basically? From what you have said that might take the wind out of their sails? Then ignore, ignore, ignore any further missives from them.

This letter full of hate from OPs family of origin should be roundly ignored by both of them. ANY reply from OP or her DH will be seen by OPs abusive family or origin as a reward for them to bother them even more.

Yes. Attila you're probably right.

I hope you haven't replied to them OP! They clearly sent you this letter in a desperate attempt to provoke communication with you again. It must be driving them nuts that you are successfully ignoring them and getting on with your life happily. Being ignored is making them feel helpless to control and victimize you - which is perfect!

I don't know what you'd achieve by responding other than letting them know that they still have the power to make you communicate with them. Whatever you write they won't suddenly see the error of their ways, that'll never happen. Honestly, the best revenge is living well and minimizing their ability to hurt you.

My strong advice is to put the letter away somewhere (I don't know why but I personally wouldn't burn it, you just never know when it might be useful as evidence of something although who knows what?) and forget about it, do not respond and focus on your own family. I'm sure this letter has brought up all kinds of nasty memories, they'll fade into the background again.

BringMeTea dh is tempted by that response. But I don't think they would believe he wrote it. They really do convince themselves that dh and his family are wonderful and I manipulate them into my bidding.

It's Apollo tempting but actually dh has contacted them previously. He signed a letter that was sent and helped me write, he also tested once and calmly told them he thought their actions were abominable.

But still here it is, the same old abuse and delusion.

The person who wrote this letter is an old person now. She was always twisted but even in the twilight of her life, she can't let it go. She would rather go to her grave thinking she is 'right' than reach out in a loving way to me and my beautiful children.

Sorry for typos!

It's always birthdays and Christmas they dredge up the poison