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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP being really off with me, cold and impossible to talk to. Am I just being needy?

52 replies

SleepDeprivedAnnie · 10/12/2014 06:10

Past few days he's been rather volatile, blowing up at me over the slightest thing. A couple of nights ago he was awful, really argumentative, saying he couldn't be arsed to talk to me when I tried to make up with him (even though it really want my fault we were arguining, he'd just blown up over something trivial) and basically just acting like he hated me, like I was a mate he'd fallen out with.

Last night I felt really ill, I told him I felt a bit shit and he completely blanked me. I tried making conversation with him and he answered me but acted like he really couldn't be arsed and his tone was quite off. My headache began turning into a migraine, I took some tablets and said to him "wow my head feels like it's going to explode". Absolutely no reply.

Fast forward half an hour and it got that bad I felt quite tearful. I was also becoming quite upset at his lack of concern. I said "you know, I'm feeling really shit here, could do with a hug". He replied "you didn't want to know me earlier so bollocks to you". He was referring the point where he came in from work and I hugged and kissed him whilst serving up his dinner. He decided I hadn't bothered with him at that point which was untrue. I said "I was serving up your dinner!" And he replied "so? I'm not going to kiss your arse for it" Shock.

Much of the same all night. Eventually I said "I'm going to bed, you're being off with me again and I don't know why and on top of that I feel really ill". He kicked off saying I was trying to start an argument and he couldn't be arsed with me. I said "all I wanted was a hug". He reluctantly shoved the tv remote out of the way and snapped "come here then!". I felt more awful at that point, forcing my partner to show a bit of affection? He then said "well I'm not going to come pandering to you".

Later in the night I told him his behaviour was making me feel insecure and I could do with a bit of reassurance. His reply was "yes master! Immediately master!" Confused.

I was crying and it didn't bother him in the slightest.

Wtf is going on? Am I needy?

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 10/12/2014 19:03

Oh, and if I cried I was 'manipulative, turning on the waterworks' ('oh, here we fucking go. Do you want me to really fucking upset you?'). He was never responsible.

The 'bollocks to you' and 'so, I'm not kissing your arse for it' are chillingly familiar. Horrible.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 10/12/2014 19:39

Wow he sounds like a real delight!

what on earth are you getting out of this relationship? How long have you been with him and when did you start noticing his arseholic behaviour?

OP life is way too short to tolerate this kind of shite.

Hissy · 10/12/2014 19:56

i"ve survived suicide, so know about stress and depression, I didn't go around being a cunt.

if you've been on mumsnet for as long as some of us have, there's a pattern in behaviour.

either he's abusive, it's about 2yrs in and op's missed all the signs thus far.

or if a dramatic picks fights out of no where... it's more often than not an ow.

if it's just stress or whatever, it is not an excuse to be a wanker to your ill dp.

there are noreasons to bbe a bastard. none.

if you have depression, take responsibiity and get it treated. if it's stress, talk to someone. don't abuse your supposed nearest and dearest.

not rocket science.

if 85 is your birth year love, you'll see over time that there isn't any latitude to treat people like shit, and no need to put up with perpetuating this nonsense about da menz being allowed to get away with behaving like this.

Shetland · 10/12/2014 20:05

My DP used to be a bit like this - if was fucking miserable to be honest.
And I, being young and naive, fell into the trap of trying to win him round, desperately trying to get him to talk to me etc etc.
and then I grew up a bit. They next time he pulled this shit I just let him get on with it. Went out, did my own thing. He soon snapped out of it. He's tried it a couple of time since but if doesn't get him anywhere so he gives up pretty quick.

He still blanks me if I say I don't feel well or something like that so still room for improvement but no where near as bad as it was.

Or, just give him up as a bad job and go. we have kids together so I never felt just leaving was an option - but if it is for you then it could save you some serious heartache.

Clocksandcandles · 10/12/2014 20:19

LTB. And that is my first.

MuscatBouschet · 10/12/2014 20:27

My xp suddenly became like this after 6 years together. I later found out there was an ow.

Back2Two · 10/12/2014 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Itsfab · 10/12/2014 20:41

Well if you are needy then so is everyone who is in a relationship and wants a cuddle sometimes Hmm.

My initial thought was he has met someone else, maybe I have read to many threads on here about cheating partners.

I hope you are feeling better soon and make him see that no way can he treat you like this again and expect to still be with you.

PeppermintPasty · 10/12/2014 20:50

I would just add that my ex was like this. I got migraines. For years and bloody years. Could never understand why.

They stopped when I kicked him out. Stopped. Just like that.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 10/12/2014 21:03

sorry to hear you are not well at the moment OP. I hope you have managed to have some rest despite this shit attitude from your dh.
I think from reading your post, it sounds like maybe he has disconnected in someway. I have to be careful with my dh having an on going health issue that I do not say this every time I see him because it's easy to get into a spiral of saying how shit we feel rather than ask them about their day...

BUT- I do think and agree with another poster there are deeper issues and you both need to talk once you are feeling better and he is in a better mood. I really hope there is not an ow.

YellowTulips · 10/12/2014 21:14

Sounds like a right charmer....

Whilst it's relevant to ask if this is out of character the upshot is its a shitty way to treat your "loved one".

You need to decide if you want to live with a twat like that.

And your are not needy- you are poorly and quite frankly shouldn't have to beg for some affection and support.

Justwanttomoveon · 10/12/2014 21:22

Sorry he's being such an arse. I'm not saying this is what's happening but my ex was like this for the last year of our relationship, he was seeing another woman. My sisters xh also got like that but he was taking steroids.

Hope things work out for you

woowoo22 · 10/12/2014 21:33

My story is the same as SinglePringle's. Goal posts always change. You do your dinger trying to make him happy but it is for nowt. Waste of time.

Original poster
SleepDeprivedAnnie · 11/12/2014 07:57

Thanks for the support guys.

It's not a dramatic change of personality to be honest, more a step up from his usual behaviour. He has a habit of turning into an arsehole periodically if I think about it. And funnily enough as someone has just asked, yes it mainly started after we'd been together about two years.

I have thought about the possibility of OW but he never goes out, he's only ever at home or at work. He does a bit of overtime but only 1-2 hours a night and is always home by 6.30pm. I just can't imagine when he'd get time to see her. I've had a sneaky look at his phone... No evidence of OW on there either.

Anyway he came home last night totally different, all hugs and kisses, cups of tea all night, saying he loved me .... One weird thing though is that he said a couple of times "I feel Ill" or "my stomach hurts". I just ignored him, naturally.

OP posts:
CalamityKate1 · 11/12/2014 08:12

....and are you going to fall for his "niceness" Annie? Or see him for what he is and dump him?

This is not a nice man. Why would you want to be with someone so fundamentally unpleasant?

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 11/12/2014 08:16

He doesn't 'turn into an arsehole" he is an arsehole who can be nice sometimes. Do you want this to be your life forevermore?

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 11/12/2014 08:21

I truly believe that everyone can be an arsehole sometimes. And hate the desperation people have on MN to get people to LTB when only hearing one side of an argument.

However I think once relationship has got to stage where you are deliberately ignoring him to punish him for "being an arsehole" this is really unhealthy for you and is time you should seriously consider ending the relationship and finding something healthy for you.

BOFster · 11/12/2014 08:23

Does it really matter why he behaves like this? He's very unpleasant and you aren't happy with him. It's ok to end a relationship for that reason, you know.

I wish I had realised that years ago- it might have given me more time enjoying my life instead of wasting it. I've been in a lovely relationship for a long time now, but I look back at myself as a young woman, crying over some inadequate and plain bloody MEAN man, and I want to shake myself. It really shouldn't be like that.

Oh, and it's not you, it's him.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 11/12/2014 08:29

And yes my post wasn't blaming you.

If you have got to this stage it does sound like he "is an arsehole" excessively and is not right person for you.

VitalStollenFix · 11/12/2014 11:51

ah, the old treat you like shit, make you feel crap unloved and insecure then manipulate attention and sympathy from you that he refused to give to you routine.

All part of breaking a person down. Give everything. Expect nothing.

I am not surprised to hear you say that his behaviour is not in fact out of character for him.

Look forward to more of the same. Or make a different choice. It's really your decision. Whatever it is your choice to do, I hope that you are ok. x

CheeseBuster · 11/12/2014 12:00

I don't think you can call it a migraine if you are watching tv and talking to someone.

XmasTimeMammariesandWine · 11/12/2014 12:01

Cheesebuster what a sensitive post. Really getting to the heart of the supportive thing

YellowTulips · 11/12/2014 12:05

He does blow hot and cold doesn't he?

Aside from you being poorly this doesn't feel like a relationship in the best of heath in terms of your responses to each other.

I would suggest you think about how to change the dynamic here - serious talk, counselling etc

Hissy · 11/12/2014 12:32

the 2 year comment was mine. it's usual timeframe for abusers to make themselves known. that or when you get married/have a child etc. when they think you are in your place and can't get out. How long have you been with him?

don't stand for this. tell him to take his ILY bollocks and shove it, you will expect him to apologise first.

he is trying to compete with you for attention, basically he doesn't want you to take the focus away from him. if you have DC with this idiot, it will just escalate to a level you have no conception of at all.

Stamp on this now, or it will only get worse and worse.

aldinator · 11/12/2014 12:49

Someone upthread said they withdraw completely when this behaviour comes out and I completely agree this is the best course of action - if you stay.

Instead of constantly trying to bring him round, just say nothing in a nice but non-committal way. Be busy. Magically, he will recover.

Then discuss how you support each other at another time.

We have a no-blame relationship whereby we both admit we fuck up sometimes and won't have a go at the other for their fuck-ups under any circumstances. We are not perfect, our relationship isn't perfect but we have a level of understanding of each other's faults and reactions/overreactions.