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Original poster

Ex has moved on at the speed of light :/

52 replies

arabella4 · 09/12/2014 21:03

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, not giving me any reasons or closure, just went cold on me after 3 years and said it wasn't working any more and it 'wasn't good for anyone' (whatever that means.) Obviously it has turned my world upside down. We didn't live together but I felt that this was it, we were talking about marriage in the future and it's all gone. I'm late 20s, he's early 30s and I felt we were ready to settle down.

Imagine my shock this week when I log on to Facebook to see pictures of him with a new woman all over his page, his friends' pages and the woman herself's page. I feel numb and can't believe how insensitive they've been. They knew I'd see it and it is unbelievable that he can be all cosy and happy with someone else this early when I feel like I'm still processing what's happened.

To make it worse, he seems so different in these photos. Towards the end, he never made an effort to look nice when he went anywhere with me. Sometimes he'd come out in tracksuit bottoms covered in paint or old scruffy jeans, hair flat and messy, looking miserable and moaning about everything. With her, he's wearing a SUIT, hair perfectly styled with a huge grin on his face. Everyone is so happy for him ('you're such a cute couple, so glad you're happy' etc. Even friends/family members of his that I liked and I thought liked me.)

I didn't do anything nasty to him to deserve this behaviour, I put everything into that relationship and I feel so pissed off that he's treated me like this. His friends have made me angry too. They always kept me at arm's length, never really wanted to get to know me, yet there are pictures of them all in the pub all over this new woman like they've known her for years.

It's like I've gone into an alternate universe where everyone has turned into a complete arse with no empathy. Is it just me or is this a weird way to behave? :(

OP posts:
CaptainAnkles · 09/12/2014 21:11

Can't you delete or block him on facebook so you don't have to torture yourself with these pictures? It sounds like he may have moved on very quickly. I'm sorry it's hurt you so much but if he was unhappy in your relationship and wasn't making any effort with it, you're better off without him.

Pusspuss1 · 09/12/2014 21:14

Rebound relationship. It'll be a flash in the pan. You on the other hand will process this properly, and when you meet someone new, in good time, it will be for real. Defriend the sad git, and stop torturing yourself with his childish nonsense! :-)

brokenhearted55a · 09/12/2014 21:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patchworkqueen · 09/12/2014 21:14

I agree - block him. I would wonder if the new woman is the reason he went cold on you and then left. He behaved like this because he is a twat - nothing you have done and not your fault.

brokenhearted55a · 09/12/2014 21:16

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vanillabird · 09/12/2014 21:17

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Bogeyface · 09/12/2014 21:18

The reason they are all over her like they have known her for ages is probably because they have. Either she was the OW first and met them as part of the affair or they met via the circle of friends and she became the OW that way (I suspect the latter).

Either way, a sudden break up with "We havent been right for ages" type comments means "Actually we were fine but I need to justify the fact that I have been fucking someone else and am now dumping you for them".

Sorry :(

But at least you know that there was nothing you did or didnt or could have done to save the relationship. It was a lucky mistake, I suspect that n another three years she will be the lucky girl who gets to hang around with a manky scruff bag who then dumps her for the next new model.

Coyoacan · 09/12/2014 21:18

I didn't do anything nasty to him to deserve this behaviour

This is not about you anymore.

I understand this is painful for you, OP, but it is time for you to move on too.

CocktailQueen · 09/12/2014 21:20

Yep, I agree - unfriend and block him and his family and friends on facebook - no good will come from looking at it.

Bogeyface · 09/12/2014 21:20

It was a lucky mistake? What does that even mean?! :o

I meant it was a lucky escape. I dont know what my brain was thinking when I typed it!

motleymop · 09/12/2014 21:21

God, how awful. You really have to resist the urge to look anymore - you have seen more than enough by the sound of it and you need to start getting over it rather than becoming increasingly affected by it.

Tistheseasontobepissy · 09/12/2014 21:21

She was the reason you split up. Some Men are like monkeys, they don't leave one branch until they have another to cling too.

Flowers
Original poster
arabella4 · 09/12/2014 21:23

Thanks - you're right, he will probably do exactly the same to this woman in a few years time as this seems to be a pattern, looking at his track record.

I have got rid of them all on Facebook because it's taken the temptation away for me to look at it :) it's hard at this time of year though, as we met at Christmas time and there are things everywhere that remind me of him. I'm trying to focus on family and forget about all those associations.

OP posts:
squitchey · 09/12/2014 21:29

After my long term relationship of 12 years broke up, my ex introduced his new partner to all our friends before telling me he was with someone new. It made me feel so stupid and lonely, imagining all my friends patting them on the back and being friendly with her, it hurt almost as much as him finishing it did. In fact, I chose to back away from those friendships rather than deal with the pain of it any more, and over the years since have gradually blocked them all from Facebook so I don't see anything about his life. You've done the right thing - why give yourself the pain?

theoways · 09/12/2014 21:29

I've seen this happen a few times with both men and women. The talk of rebound or the fact that she was there before it ended are unfounded, but still a possibility.

Maybe you just weren't supposed to be together. Maybe you didn't bring the best out of him or weren't as compatible as you thought? You mentioned how he never made an effort around you but does around her. This could mean he didn't have as much self esteem around you and this new woman challenges him more.

This isn't a dig at you - some people are just not supposed to be together.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 21:30

I am sorry to say it is likely he had already moved on to this woman before your relationship with him ended

brokenhearted55a · 09/12/2014 21:32

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GoatsDoRoam · 09/12/2014 21:33

It's been several months since you broke up. He instigated the break-up, so he was more ready for it than you were. This seems a perfectly reasonable amount of time for him to have met someone else.

I didn't do anything nasty to him to deserve this behaviour

There is nothing wrong with his "behaviour": he has moved on. It's not directed at you, it's not nasty, and it's not lacking in empathy for others to be happy for him.

Stop looking at Facebook if it still smarts. But don't blame these people for their completely banal behaviour.

How are you investing yourself in new activities and a new social circle in order to rebuild your own post-breakup life?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/12/2014 21:34

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My exH left in October 2009, met a new woman in Jan 2010, and she was taking my place at big family lunches with his parents, etc, by March. I was so pissed off! I felt I'd been replaced. I raged inside. I even hated his (lovely) mum for not refusing to let the gf in her house, in my honour!

It was a rebound relationship and they were over by June.

But anyway -- delete/defriend on FB NOW. I know how awful that'll feel - that you'll suddenly be out of the loop on all his news - but you need to take yourself out of that loop. Seeing him everyday online will MASSIVELY MASSIVELY MASSIVELY hinder your chances of moving on. If I'd kept my exH as a FB friend, I'd probably still be crying over him now.

I know it's hideous that he wears a suit and a smile with her, but if you stop yourself from seeing it, it can't hurt you.

Primadonnagirl · 09/12/2014 21:35

I'm sorry you are upset but he, and his friends and family have every right to move on. Putting happy couple photos on Facebook is what some people do. And they don't " have" to take account for your feelings at all. He's in a different relationship now so you must move on. Not defending his behaviour when you were together but that's all behind you know. Look forward.

Original poster
arabella4 · 09/12/2014 21:39

GoatsDoRoam...maybe it's just me, but I would think more of someone I used to supposedly love than to just ditch them out of nowhere, refuse to even meet up to give them a proper explanation why, then flaunt my new relationship all over Facebook with no thought for my ex and how they might feel. I don't mean one picture, I mean loads of pictures. Plus introducing them to my circle of friends straight away and making sure it's all documented online. It's literally like I've been replaced. That's the behaviour I'm talking about and it's not gracious or kind. You're not him, are you?? It seems like something he'd say ;)

Theoways, he did used to make the effort for me in the beginning of our relationship so I don't think I never 'challenged him' (not sure what that means.) It's weird how he changed so much at the end though.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 09/12/2014 21:39

I agree Goats Smile

It hurts you because he's had longer to come to terms with your break up. You've got some catching up to do and even then a bit more because you didn't want it.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/12/2014 21:39

Sorry - I missed your last post during my torturously slow typing. I'm glad you've severed the FB connection. Total no contact - it's the quickest way to move onwards.

Mope until December 31st if you like, wallow with your family, lose loads of weight by not eating :-) then vow to make 2015 YOUR year.

I wish you all the luck, love and happiness possible for the future. And I hope he strangles himself with his posh suit and tie. ;-)

theoways · 09/12/2014 21:40

@brokenhearted55a - challenges him more. By that, I mean he might have been 'too comfortable' in the relationship, if you know what I mean. A relationship can get too comfortable and not challenging - maybe she is interested in the same things as him and this relationship allows him to challenge himself more. It might sound harsh but it happens all the time.

StrawberryMojito · 09/12/2014 21:40

Just to add a different perspective...it is entirely possible that she was nothing to do with the end of your relationship. He hasn't moved on at the speed of light, you broke up months ago, a new relationship is not unreasonable in this time frame. His friends are probably happy for him because he is returning to his old self. I'm sorry but from what you wrote, he didn't sound happy with you by the end which is presumably why he ended it. Again, he wasn't unreasonable in doing this.

You have done the right thing by deleting them on FB, you don't need the torture. I am hugely sympathetic though, I've been through it and come out the other side. Focus on yourself, not him, he wasn't right for you.