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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to ask how you would feel about this.

43 replies

belle1974 · 09/12/2014 20:27

so i am pretty much a sahm with a high earning dh. He earns enough for us/me to lose child benefit. Originally I planned to carry on claiming and to pay it back through dhs tax code. He wasn't happy about this so I reluctantly waived my right. I suggested that extra should be paid into my sole account to cover this. This never happened so I currently barely gret enough to cover my direct debits. I do have access to joint account and joint credit card but find he often moans about what I spend on groceries etc. He slso moaned about a cheque I wrote out for cubs as I didn't put it on money. last month he moaned about us not having enough to cover credit card etc.
He was due to get a bonus last month but was concerned hd might not get it due to a problem at work. As a result I have avoided getting dishwasher fixed etc.
About a week or so ago I asked if he had got a bonus he said yes in a low key way. Turns out he received 5.5k.
He has not spoken to me re plans for bonus etc. I have paid for so much out of my savings from my bond maturity just to make ends meet lately. I know at least 1 dc is getting an extra big present and he plans to trest himself in the New Year. As per normal I feel overlooked.
He has history for spdnding bonus on himself and kids. Indeed whilst I was reovering from my last csection he went out and spent £200 on gifts for dc from their new sister and gifts for himself. I didn't even get a box of chocs.
Feel like I am not being treated equally.
Thoughts please.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 20:30

Thoughts ?

You are in a financially abusive relationship.

tippytap · 09/12/2014 20:30

He sounds like an absolute arse. Sorry.
Think you should leave the bastard.

Original poster
belle1974 · 09/12/2014 20:38

Tbh this has crossed my mind. However, I do have full access to joint credit card. Certainly won't be paying for swimming lessons for dc in future. Guess full and frank conversation needed.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 09/12/2014 20:39

Completely unworkable You need to totally renegotiate this. Just because you are a SAHM and not earning, doesn't mean that he should hold all the cards and buy himself treats while you go without. If you are well off as a couple, then you personally shouldn't have to go without while he has whatever he wants. You are like a house slave.
I don't know if this would work for you, but we have a joint account that pays all the bills, pays for things like cubs and dishwashers etc. and we each draw a monthly amount for our own personal spending. Regardless of who is earning more (I'm not earning at the moment), we have always done it like this. The person earning more money shouldn't have more power, it's a partnership.

YellowTulips · 09/12/2014 20:44

Having access to a card/account but being made to feel shit about using them for perfectly reasonable purchases is still unacceptable and unbalanced.

It's not his money- it's family money -especially if the decision for you to be a sahm was a joint one- and deciding what to do with large sums such as a bonus should be a mutual decision.

sliceofsoup · 09/12/2014 20:49

I remember your thread when he spent the money after your csection, and I think there was another just after that.

You were told then the same as what you will be told now. He is financially abusing you.

This is not going to change. I understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, but there is nothing we can say that will change his behaviour.

suspiciousandsad · 09/12/2014 20:51

A joint credit card is a joint debt, but it won't be, it will be YOUR debt.

I did not give up my child benefit as that was my only independent income. Can you claim it now?

You are not valued, and to him you are not his equal. He is treating you appallingly.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 20:53

You don't have "full access" tot he credit card if he questions and bellyaches about the purchases you make. I bet you purposefully try not to use it, don't you ? That is him controlling you financially. Think very, very carefully about this.

Quitelikely · 09/12/2014 20:55

You need him to clarify what he thinks is acceptable for you to be spending. I mean does he realise how much it actually costs each month for food, clothing, clubs etc.

Have you tried to discuss with him? What does he say?

LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 20:57

You are married to a financially abusive person who will probably be required to pay more maintenance if you divorced.

Which I would do as it will likely make you far better off.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 20:57

No, OP needs to tell him, not ask him what he thinks is reasonable to spend on feeding and housing the family

Quitelikely · 09/12/2014 20:57

Have you thought about returning to work and insisting he helps with childcare costs?

I hate greed. I really do. He's greedy!

Quitelikely · 09/12/2014 20:59

Yes but I want to know what he thinks is reasonable because I'm nosey! Smile

LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 21:01

The time for a cozy chat is over. I would get a JOB, FT, asap, leave him and then he will need to pay his fair share of childcare and maintenance.

You will never get through to a financially abusive person.

ArgyMargy · 09/12/2014 21:02

I will never understand how married couples have separate money. Never.

Pelicangiraffe · 09/12/2014 21:06

Can you sit down and work out a budget so he gives you x amount each month to cover food, clothes etc.

Why on earth aren't you getting child tax credits paid into your account? There's no good reason so sort it out!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 21:13

It doesn't matter what he thinks is reasonable because he has no part in running the household. He will massively underestimate, of course.

Joysmum · 09/12/2014 21:23

I will never understand how married couples have separate money. Never

We do. Income is household income, all expenses come from that and the remainder is divided and goes to separate personal accounts. We have equal spending power and no need to explain or bean count to work out what's fair.

I refuse to do joint accounts as our spending patterns are so different. He spends more every month, I am pretty frugal but then spend a big chunk every few months. That's too much potential for discord if we didn't have separate accounts.

It works well, we never need to argue about or discuss money. Smile

Clarabumps · 09/12/2014 21:38

I would give him an itemised list of the household running costs. I would also enquire about childcare for your child(ren) and say that if you go back to work then he will pay his share of the bill. And not split 50/50, split into a percentage of how much he earns vs how much you would earn if you are working.

You are enabling him to have the lifestyle he has by being the childcare.

That aside, what he is doing IS financial abuse. How can you have any respect for him when he treats you this way?

Are there any other areas where he is controlling other than financial.

You have no money. Having access to money is not having money. It's just borrowing with no way to pay it back.

I'd seriously need to re evaluate our relationship if this were me.

Clarabumps · 09/12/2014 21:40

Separate incomes or joint incomes, it doesn't matter. What does is that both people in the relationship are treated the same and get the same amount of spending and no one person feels beholden to the other.

ArgyMargy · 09/12/2014 22:34

No, still don't get it. If you buy something with "your" money does that mean it's "yours"? That kind of implies that you're going to take it with you when you leave. I just don't get it.

TheHermitCrab · 10/12/2014 08:22

I will never understand how married couples have separate money. Never
No, still don't get it

You don't need to "get it" as long as the two people in the relationship are happy who cares. Me and my partner have completely separate finances. We both earn min wage, I work full time he works part time, we both fair a fair percentage each of the household bills on what we earn, We both end up with about the same about of disposable income left due to me having a previous debt management plan, which isn't his responsibility to pay towards.

Both do what we like with our earnt money, and if there's anything "big" to save for or pay for we just deal with it case for case. Never had a problem, never argued.

Going back to the OP. Get a job, and get some financial stability of your own, he can be precious with his money as he is, and you can decide what you want to do with him more security.

TortoiseInAShell · 10/12/2014 08:44

I would feel used and abused; a controlled woman, not a kept woman and definitely treated like a third class citizen. Hmm

LegoAdventCalendar · 10/12/2014 09:49

'Why on earth aren't you getting child tax credits paid into your account? There's no good reason so sort it out!'

They don't qualify for them or child benefit due to his income and they are a married couple.

So the upshot is he is financially abusive.

People like this don't change.

At least they are married and she will have a few more rights in the divorce, there have been a number of women on here in similar situations, who also got themselves in thousands of pounds worth of debt to support the children, who were also unmarried and had jacked in their jobs to be SAHMs.

You need to see a solicitor, OP. Financial abuse is grounds for divorce. Stop using your savings to subsidise his not supporting his children and use it to get a solicitor.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/12/2014 09:58

Use the credit card to put a deposit down on a rental property, move out and your maintenance from his should go some way to paying your rent. Plus all your benefits should see you quite well off.

You are being financially abused, and you have been told this before so what else do you need to know?