Belle1974
Simply put, you are being financially abused and in turn your children are and will feel the effects of this too. Infact I daresay they are already (his behaviour re cubs etc).
Talking to him Belle will be a wasted effort because he thinks he is doing nothing at all wrong here. His parents likely did the self same behaviours as well, such men do not change. Your man will not change.
After talking as well things may improve for a while but this is really the cycle of abuse here. Its a continuous cycle and before long and as before he will start ramping up the power and control again.
He may well try and employ every means possible to prevent you going back to work. He'll moan incessantly about it for a start.
The way forward for you here is to leave him. There is really no other option. He does not respect you at all, you are his domestic appliance and you are not at all valued.
What do you think your children are and will be learning from the two of you about relationships?. Is this model really what you want to teach them?.
Simon - it is not simply a question of women being gullible; this type of abuse creeps up on people over time. She may well be reluctant to call this behaviour of his abuse (but his behaviour Belle towards you is abusive no two ways about it).
From WAs website:-
"Financial abuse is one form of control used by domestic violence perpetrators in order to gain power over their partner, and is the most direct way in which domestic violence and financial issues relate to each other. Financial abuse can take many different forms, but all are aimed at limiting and controlling the partner’s current and future actions and freedom of choice. For example, an abuser might do one or more of the following:
Interfere with her employment, education or training: for example, by preventing her from participating in paid work or education; or alternatively, insisting that she works, but hands over all her earnings to him.
Control access to all the household finances (including her own earnings/benefits): for example, by keeping control of bank accounts, credit cards, benefits, etc.; not giving her any money; and/or taking away any money/ resources she has of her own (including money for day-to-day housekeeping expenses, her savings, or other personal money); insisting she accounts for every penny she spends.
Steal from her and use the money for himself; or transfer joint assets into his own name.
Refuse to contribute to shared household expenses, including failing to pay regular bills despite agreeing to take responsibility for them; or building up debts in her name or joint names – sometimes without her knowledge (e.g. utility bills, which she thinks he has paid).
Insist she take out loans and credit in her own name, or force her to take on sole or joint responsibility for credit or loans beyond what she considers to be manageable.
Force her to take actions which are dishonest, illegal or against her own sense of right and wrong; for example, to claim benefits fraudulently, interfere with gas and electricity meters, become involved in prostitution, shoplifting, etc.
It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:
I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account.
I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you.
While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.
Over-spending, and building up debts in the partner’s name or joint names can also develop slowly and – even if this is an intentional form of control – it may not become obvious for some time; for example –
Both victims and those supporting them may be reluctant to name this behaviour as “abuse”. Hence many women will have lived with it for many years, until the negative impact has become almost overwhelming.