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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unsupportive dh help

49 replies

stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 06:45

My beautiful mum has a horrible cancer prognosis of 4 weeks. She has been ill for a year and now much much worse. Im torn between spending all my time with her, or with my young dd who needs me, and also have to work full time as cannot afford to lose my job. Im at breaking point. My dh lost his dm 8 years ago suddenly, they were close when young but not as adults. He was upset for a brief period then never really spoke again. He and my dm are very close, or so i thought. I am finding him really really unsupportive how when i need him more than ever. Tells me to cheer up constantly, how miserable i am, stop crying (not in a nice way btw) now is asking are we going to his family for Xmas - 200 miles away. I fo t know what to do. I have tried telling him i need him to be there and ge is hurting me but he just gets angry. What do i do?Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 06:45

My dm is my best friend and i love her so much, is v young too.

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LineRunner · 09/12/2014 06:52

First things first.

I think you should tell your husband that there is no possibility of your travelling two hundred miles away for Christmas, in the present circumstances. Be clear and calm, and repeat.

Second, please talk to someone at work about taking some leave or reducing hours, again in these exceptional circumstances.

And then, it's time to think about why your husband is being like this. How out of character is it? Would he respond better to a point blank request for specific bits of help?

And I am so very sorry for you, and to hear about your mum Flowers

Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 06:58

Thanks for the reply. Work have been good but i know i will need time off when the worst happens, so don't want to use up all the goodwill if that makes sense?

dh is usually practical rather than emotional, completely opposite of me but lately it just feels like he is being mean on purpose, picking fights etc. I don't have it in me to argue with him on top of everything else.

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Pelicangiraffe · 09/12/2014 06:58

Can you ring and talk to a member of his family he respects? But also a member if his family that will understand and support you? Can this family member talk some sense into DH.

If he has no one, what about a friend he respects, one you get on well with

Pelicangiraffe · 09/12/2014 06:59

Are there any amazon books that will help him be more supportive? Does he read!

TheBakeryQueen · 09/12/2014 07:00

So sorry to hear such sad news.

I think spending time with your mum is your only option really. Do you have any other support to help with DD?

Please speak to your employer like the above poster said. You could agree to make up the time taken next year maybe.

And it goes without saying that this Christmas is with your mum.

Now is not the time to try & figure out what is going on with your DH. I'd give him one more chance to be supportive & if he still can't be there for you then I'd carry on as if he isn't there at all.

If you think you could use local support then let us know where you are. If I'm anywhere near you & could help with anything then I'd be happy to.

Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 07:01

Thanks for the reply. Im not sure who i would speak to, his family are not close in the way i am with mine, don't speak often etc although they do love each other deep down. They also aren't very good at showing emotions. He doesn't have any particularly close friends either. I don't mean to make him sound awful, he has many good points.

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Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 07:04

That's really kind bakery and has made me cry more but think id prefer to keep things private. Im going to ask work for day off today. My boss will not be happy as really, really busy at the moment and i feel like am letting my team down too.

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TheBakeryQueen · 09/12/2014 07:05

Is your dh looking after dd after work, doing tea, bath, bedtime etc so that you can be with your mum?

cansu · 09/12/2014 07:06

Tell him v clearly and calmly that you need to spend this time with your mum. Tell him that you find his behaviour uncaring. Then block him out and focus on your mum. He is being an arse but you haven't got time to deal with that now. I am really sorry about your mum.

LennyCrabsticks · 09/12/2014 07:09

I imagine this is stirring up some horrible emotions wrt to losing his mum. But frankly that is not your problem at this point.

I think you need to say to him, once, that his being unsupportive and his behaviour towards you and your mum is repellant.

And then leave him to get on with it and focus all your energy on the here and now with your lovely mum.

I am so very sorry you are going through all this x

TheBakeryQueen · 09/12/2014 07:10

Ok sweetheart. I understand that. Just trying to think of ways to help practically.

All I can think of to say is go and be with your lovely mum as much as possible. Glad to hear you are taking the day off today.

Maybe write a letter to dh stating exactly what you need right now. But if he doesn't step up then leave him to it. Relationship issues can be dealt with at a later date.

Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 07:10

He is but not all the time and when he does, is making me feel guilty (i feel guilty enough already) that i am not there for our dd. I really can't go in today but now am scared about work getting shitty.

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Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 07:11

Sorry, sound pathetic but have too much going on in my head at once

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GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 09/12/2014 07:12

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the same situation myself with my dad.

I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like. Dh and I had a very difficult week last month when my dad was diagnosed and I had a missed miscarriage. I was devastated. Dh wanted me to cheer up so kept trying to distract me or suggest we go out. It made me feel like he thought I was overreacting which made me feel terribly alone.
We just couldn't communicate. It turned out that he was still holding it hope that the news about the mc was wrong so he didn't want to be upset about it yet. He was trying to help, it's just it was the wrong way to support me. Once we were back on the same page, everything is fine. Even now when I'm upset about my dad, he sometimes starts talking about something else and it annoys me. My dad is sung and I need to talk about it! He then apologises and says how he just hates seing me so upset so his instinct is to try and distract me. It's the wrong instinct but it comes from a loving place.

But if your dh really just thinks you need to cheer up and is telling you in a nasty way then he can fuck off. However you feel is ok and he needs to be there to do whatever is necessary to make things as easy as they can possibly be.

He can put his practical energy into making the decision that of course you will not be traveling away for Christmas. That won't happen and he will stay with you and will be there for you. This is a practical decision, not an emotional one.
Why does he get angry? What kind of angry? Could he just be frustrated because he doesn't know how to help you or does he seem properly angry?

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. Thanks Thanks

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 09/12/2014 07:15

My rule at the moment is that work doesn't matter. Work is there to help you live, not the other way round. Life comes first and what your dealing with right now is so much more important. They will understand. People always do.

Are you in touch with Macmillan? I'm not yet but people keep telling me how amazing they are.

LineRunner · 09/12/2014 07:25

When your DD is older she will understand how you needed to spend time with your mum and she will respect you for it. It is teaching her a good lesson about life and the end of life, about families and love. You really shouldn't be feeling any guilt about that. Just be emotionally available to her and it'll be fine.

Your team at work will manage. Have you thought about half days? Go in, do the essentials, leave?

TheBakeryQueen · 09/12/2014 07:28

Please go to the GP and consider getting yourself signed off with stress.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. As long as your DD is being looked after by her dad she will be fine. If she is little, she will never remember these weeks where she saw a bit less of you, honestly. Please try & be kind to yourself.

plumstone · 09/12/2014 07:45

So sorry for your situation - its pants but you will get through it. I lost my mum through cancer 15 years ago. Looking back you need to prioritise:

You Mum, DD, You, DH work. I would speak to work - see their HR dept, and line manager, explain fully and calmly - un paid hours, compassionate leave. They will want to help as long term it is in their interests. If that fails go with Bakery's suggestion, GP and get signed off.

Then speak to McMillan - with my mum they were a life saver (not hers - sorry bad joke!!) but mine, and my dads, words cannot express how amazing they are, regardless of the outcome of this situation you will come out the other side and your own well being is vital long term.

As far as your DH is concerned. Could he be realising and projecting badly that he is feeling guilty that his reaction to his mums passing is not the same as yours, he feels yours is normal and he is lashing out at his nearest and dearest that he feels bad as he didn't feel like that. I would try and speak to him. If there is no conclusion or solution then focus on yourself, and your daughter and deal with him later.

What I found was practical, was routine, get up, work, home, check on Dad, visit mum, home, eat, bed, cry, sleep. Very boring but it got me through it and I didn't focus on anything else.

Hugs and flowers

Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 08:05

Thanks everyone. Plum sorry for your loss Flowers guybrush, am so sorry you are going through this too, it feels so much worse because if Christmas although that's crazy as never would be a good time. Lots of good advice, just feeling like life us very, very hard right now and feeling very sad that dh isn't there for me.

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Joysmum · 09/12/2014 09:20

You'll still feel guilty probably. DH and I were resolute that one of us would always be with my FIL when we were told he wouldn't get better. Our DD was either with whoever was a home or my mum and we both felt torn.

It's not an easy time and I wish you all the best. Put your mum first, you'll regret it more than any other guilt you might have if you don't.

TheBakeryQueen · 10/12/2014 14:24

Thinking of you today op.

Original poster
stressedoutandcrying · 10/12/2014 18:39

Am feeling really sad this evening so that little thinking of you just made me smile Flowers

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GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 10/12/2014 19:06

Big hugs stressed. Have you made any progress with prioritising things / talking to your dh? Thanks

TheBakeryQueen · 10/12/2014 19:12

I'm glad to bring a smile. I understand a little of what you must be going through. I hope you are being kind to yourself.

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