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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unsupportive dh help

49 replies

stressedoutandcrying · 09/12/2014 06:45

My beautiful mum has a horrible cancer prognosis of 4 weeks. She has been ill for a year and now much much worse. Im torn between spending all my time with her, or with my young dd who needs me, and also have to work full time as cannot afford to lose my job. Im at breaking point. My dh lost his dm 8 years ago suddenly, they were close when young but not as adults. He was upset for a brief period then never really spoke again. He and my dm are very close, or so i thought. I am finding him really really unsupportive how when i need him more than ever. Tells me to cheer up constantly, how miserable i am, stop crying (not in a nice way btw) now is asking are we going to his family for Xmas - 200 miles away. I fo t know what to do. I have tried telling him i need him to be there and ge is hurting me but he just gets angry. What do i do?

OP posts:

Angleshades · 10/12/2014 19:53

Op - sending massive hugs to you. I was in a very similar situation to you just under 3 years ago. My mum was taken ill after a fall and within 2 days of going into hospital she contracted cdiff, her lungs collapsed and she ended up struggling to breath. Later that week she was put on 'end of life' by the docs at the hospital and we were told she'd die within a few hours. She didn't. She pulled through but spent another 2 months in hospital before she eventually died. It was a horrendous time.

During this time I was holding down a 30 hour a week job with travelling time of an hour each way, I had a dd who wasn't quite 2 years old and needed me, my dh then had a nervous breakdown and couldn't cope with looking after dd. I was pulled in so many different directions. I decided to put my mum first as I knew she wouldn't be with me for long. I got myself signed off work with stress for 3 weeks which gave me the breathing space to stay with my mum. I put my dd into nursery for 2 half days to give my dh a bit of breathing space and his parents also helped a lot with child care.

You need to focus on your mum and you need to get signed off work for stress by a doctor whether your boss likes it or not. Your mum is more important than your job. If you don't spend these vital last weeks with her you will spend the rest of your life kicking yourself for not having done things differently. You will grow to resent your DH if you put his needs before your mum and it will affect your relationship if she passes on and you haven't spent the time with her. This would be such a sad situation for you to end up in as the death of someone close to us often causes guilt and coupled with all your other problems it would create a dark place for you in which to get over your loss. No matter how hard it is you need to explain calmly to him your need to be with your mother at this time.

When I put my dd into nursery it broke my heart as she had separation issues but eventually she settled down and it actually really helped her in the end as she's an only child and it did her good to mix with lots of other children. Is there anyone else who can help your DH look after your dc?

I'm so glad I spent so much time with my mum at the end as she really needed me. I don't have any regrets as I gave her everything I could. After my mum passed I then had the time to work on everything else including my relationship with DH. It took time and hard work but things are so much better now.

I wish you lots of luck in dealing with your situation, it sounds so very tough. I hope your boss is gentle on you as you really need to be with your mum for your sake and your mum's. Take care

Primadonnagirl · 10/12/2014 20:00

Put your Mum first. You will never forgive yourself if you don't and this is what life is about. Your DH and child will be fine. Then at some point you can calmly tell your DH how unhelpful and hurtful his behaviour was . But for now just be there for your Mum.

Windywenceslas · 11/12/2014 09:59

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

It sounds as if your husband has a tendency to repress his emotions and this has probably raised awful feelings from when he lost his own mother, which he may be struggling to process. If he was close to your mother he might be trying to protect himself, by not engaging. This is absolutely no excuse though.

I would give him one more chance to support you. Explain how you're feeling with regard to his behaviour and tell him what you expect of him. If he doesn't change, I agree with others, put your DM first, put DH to one side, he can be dealt with later. Your DD will understand one day that you had to put your DM first, it won't harm her in the slightest.

TheBakeryQueen · 11/12/2014 21:32

Hope you're coping op.

cestlavielife · 11/12/2014 23:15

Go to gp and get signed off. Focus on your mum.
Ask friends to help with dd or paid child care.

Leave fighting with dh for later.

Legodino · 12/12/2014 06:53

Is you DM at home or does you dad live close? Is it worth temporarily moving back home with DD because you can't cope with DH and because you want to support your dad.

Legodino · 12/12/2014 06:54

Also agree with getting signed off by GP

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 12/12/2014 07:08

Agree - get signed off by GP, or if that doesn't work, talk to HR about possibly taking unpaid leave (if you can just about afford it). You will never get the chance to have this time with your Mum again - do it now before you lose her.

Your DH might be battling with his memories of losing his own mum, or he might not - but he is being ridiculously mean and unsympathetic to you, and he needs to pack it in and have a bit of humanity.

But forget about him for now - decide what YOU need to do and then do it - if that means taking your DD with you, then do that. But first and foremost sort time away from work.

I hate to point it out but if your mum has only been given 4 weeks it could come a lot quicker than that - my mum was given at most a few weeks to live and died 8 days after we were told that (but then she was in ICU on a ventilator and couldn't stand it, removed her own feeding tube and so on) - but equally it could take longer, and you just can't know.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 12/12/2014 07:09

And I got distracted and posted too soon, sorry - very sorry that you're going through this, it's an awful time and your DH should really be supporting you through it, not acting like a whiny brat - love and strength to you xxx

Original poster

stressedoutandcrying · 12/12/2014 21:16

The kindness and sensible words of strangers really mean a lot to me

have taken few days off now, going to spend lots of family time with everyone together. Dh has been better, not perfect but better. Which is good because i feel i cant take much more. Finding things really, really hard. So sorry others have been through this too, wouldn't wish on anyone

OP posts:

whatisforteamum · 12/12/2014 22:01

Dear stressedout im so sorry you are in this situation.Both my parents have incurable stage 4 cancer,my DH has been unsupportive since this summer when i pointed out Dads cancer would soon return.It has and spread.I had begged for a day out or a holiday and was told i cant make him feel guilty!! Infact i must go on about Dad dying,I too have long work hrs and 2 teens.
All you can do is be there for your Mum..look after yourself as you dont want to become unwell and take each day as it comes.I stopped turning to DH who had a heart attack last yr.
In fact he seemed visibly upset when i told him Dad had been messed about at chemo again (which almost killed him last time).Perhaps your Dh cant cope with the thought of losing his mil himself. Sending you strength to get through this xx

CrankItUp · 13/12/2014 13:08

How are you OP? Keep posting on here.

TheBakeryQueen · 13/12/2014 17:26

That's good that you have taken some time off. Just please keep trying to be kind to yourself throughout this. Sending you strength.

TheBakeryQueen · 15/12/2014 16:51

How are you op?

Original poster

stressedoutandcrying · 18/12/2014 08:40

My beautiful mum and best friend in all the world has gone. Later that day, family were saying lets all still have the big Christmas dinner she was planning, he agreed then said we might be going to his family on boxing day. No we bloody wont. I feel selfish for posting on here when am devastated and should be thinking about other things. I've been so busy helping dad with arrangements, last night dd was ill and i sat up downstairs with her all night. Dh has gone to work today (1st day back). Am scared we are going to split over this, he shows no emotions whatsoever. My dad thought all son in laws might like to carry coffin, he told me he'd rather not. What do i do? It feels like he's being selfish. I thought he loved my mum as much as i did and he hasn't so much as looked sad. I know different people cope in different ways but there's just nothing from him. He knew her for years and years so not like a new partner.

OP posts:

OvertiredandConfused · 18/12/2014 08:46

So, so sorry for your loss OP.

Original poster

stressedoutandcrying · 18/12/2014 09:17

Thank you

OP posts:

Smudgeandpudge · 18/12/2014 09:24

I'm so sorry OP.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 18/12/2014 09:49

I'm so sorry.

whatisforteamum · 18/12/2014 10:00

I am so sorry stressed.I feel tearful for you,the situation many of us dread facing but know we will.No idea why your DH is being like this except mine has told me off for talking about dad being terminal ( they get on well and its been 28 yrs)Look after yourself. x

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2014 10:41

This is your outlet on here. Do NOT feel guilty for getting some words out to strangers who want to help and support you.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your last update brought tears to my eyes.
I can't empathise at all as I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through.
I'm sorry your DH hasn't stepped up at all.
Don't worry about what you will do.
Ask you DDad to ask DH directly regarding the coffin. He'll find it a lot harder to say no to your DD.
Focus on what you need to do to get through this.
It's going to be a shit time.
for you and again, so so sorry for your loss.

OvertiredandConfused · 18/12/2014 13:56

Didn't have time to post much earlier, but wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.

I think your DH's response must seem really unkind and can image that it is hard to comprehend and find a way past. The only constructive thing I can say is to remember that everyone handles grief in different ways.

What he needs to understand is that however he deals with it personally, he must also support you in handling one of the hardest blows you'll ever face in the way that's right for you.

There are people here whenever you need to vent. Take care OP and be kind to yourself

TheBakeryQueen · 18/12/2014 20:15

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news op.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Your love for your mum is so clear in your posts. Your mum must've felt and was comforted by your love.

Sending you hugs and strength sweetheart.

Ohheavens · 18/12/2014 20:29

So sorry for your loss OP

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