How do you sort out parenting differences - Aibu?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Dd is an only child and does find it hard to share. My own stance is that it is lovely to share but a child cannot be forced to share something precious to them and that actually it is human nature to be possessive over certain things.

Thus sounds so petty but the other day I bought dd some Christmas ear muffs. My friend came round with her dd and her dd wanted to try them on. My dd didn't want to let her and said she would get cold ears if she took them off! Now we all know that this was an excuse but my friend got very cross and said to her dd" xxxx is being mean." I was angry that she said that in front of my child...passive aggressive.

My friend told me that if her dd won't share she confiscates the item so no one can have it. I think that this is a great idea when it comes to toys but when it comes to something that someone is actually wearing it is inappropriate. I don't think children should be forced to share new items of clothing or accessories and I didn't want to confiscate them as there would gave been a big tantrum but also i knew how proud dd is of her new ear muffs.

Apparently I should have told dd off for saying that her ears will get cold as this was a lie. She just wanted an excuse not to share IMO. Apparently I do t do enough to encourage sharing when the truth us when the girls bicker I tend to switch off and let them get on with it whereas my friend is much more involved.

I did encourage dd to let her friend try on her head gear and she leg her have a go in the end.

Today I feel like a shit mum who dosnt encourage her dd to share. My friend and her mum said that my dd dosnt like to share and I feel like it's my fault. Am I doing enough? Should I have confiscated the head gear?

Also our parents go out so the are kind of family. I would like them to play together nicely but our girls compete and wind each other up which makes it tense. I do feel like I'm getting the blame surreptitiously for this when IMO the competition between them is natural albeit not desirable. I do try to encourage my dd to play nicely but tbh I feel out of my depth with the dynamics here.

I think what also pissed me off in the extreme is that she told dd that her behaviour wasnt normal whereas I think that her behaviour is fairly typical.
I think part of ny problem is that im very cynical and observe how adults behave ( eg not really sharing much) and then am hardly surprised when kuds exhibit the same behaviour.

The irony is that my friend and I have history and are very competetive then she moans when our kids compete.

I hate that children are expected to share everything, not question, not hold anything back. Why shouldn't she say she doesn't want to? And I don't think it is mean spirited, I think your friend was cruel to make such an issue of it

you and your friend deserve each other and the children you have then.

It's really a shame you can't lead by example and encourage generosity even if you don't have it yourself.

My friend came round with her dd and her dd wanted to try them on

Not SHARE, just try them on.

What fucking big deal is that??

This is just incredible. The rules in our house are, if you don't want to share a particular item or toy it goes into the bedroom. Anything in the playroom is fair game.

I have boys, so my observations of girls come from seeing friends of mine. They all try each others things on, hairbands, clip on earrings, hair clips, cardigans, shoes, etc etc. It isn't sharing as such more of a ooooh look what you have and it is reciprocal. It's trying something on to see what it looks like and feels like.

I do think only children find it harder to share and to compromise and to be honest I know of a couple of them who now at 8 are disliked because of their inability to compromise on what game to play or lack of sharing. Siblings are used to sharing.

This was a pair of earmuffs, not the family heirlooms. She just wanted to try them on, not borrow them for a week.

Sharing a game and sharing personal effects are conceptually entirely different.

Do you share your DH? Probably not, given the outrage on MN if anyone admits to any committed adult even thinking about another member of the opposite sex than their partner.

Do you share your house with all and sundry?

Sharing games, sharing conversation, sharing ideas... quite different.

So you wouldn't lend anyone an umbrella if it was raining?

Or a book?

The general milk of human kindness lies locked souring in your special personal cupboard.

How lovely.

friend: d'you like my new earmuffs
me: they're lovely, I was thinking of getting some, could I try them on please?
friend: sure
me: oh yes, they look great I think I will get myself some

try as I might, I simply can't see anything wrong with that scenario. I can't see that I have abused or violated anyone?

OP - I do think that your DD's behaviour is fairly typical of a 6 year old, but it's something that you need to work on with her. Take this as a starting point.

I'm not sure why I would lend someone my umbrella and get wet myself to keep them dry. I would willingly share space under my umbrella if it were raining outside school etc.

I rarely lend books as they rarely get returned. I happily give away books I have finished with.

op this us an area where you will find some people agreeing with you and others thinking along the same lines than your friend.
You'll have to decide what is the right way if parenting your dc and stick to it.

IMO your friend was very passive aggressive and tbh certainly not the right example to give to her own dd. If someone doesn't want to share something with you, you have to learn to accept it too and not try to guilt trip that person into it (which us exactly what she did).
IMO that's something that children have to learn too, just as much as they need to learn to share. I have too many (bad) memories if children who were coming to our house expecting to have all the toys immediately as my dcs were supposed to 'share' and behaving in an appalling selfish way (usually they were also the ones who then didn't want to 'share' their toys too)

Re teaching your dd the share, I would say that punishing isn't going to help they'll learn that you need to do it if under pressure/parent watching but otherwise you don't. You want to foster how nice it is to share instead.
IMO that means that there are things you don't have to share. Precious things (like a special cuddly toy or something very fragile) don't have to be shared.
For a 6yo a new thing (like the ear muffs) might be seen as something previous and in that way doesn't have to be shared. Or it might not and then it's an issue with 'I don't want to share' which needs to be handled in a different way.

but the children were inside, Bonsoir. So the OP's DD wasn't going to get cold if she let her chum try on her earmuffs for a minute.

No but she might have seen the earmuffs as something previous because they were new.

I truly believe that you have to adjust your response to how the child feels. It's not because I or you don't see that as important that the child doesn't.

And yes this was just an excuse. The question is why did she feel she needed to give a treason to her 'NO'?

Wow, what a palaver about a pair of earmuffs! I think the main problem is that the adults are being drawn into their kids' arguments. Your friend getting 'very cross' about the non-sharing seems a little dramatic to me. Did it blow up straight away as soon as your DD refused to share? I would have just given her a bit more time. The earmuffs were new and therefore important to her. I find nothing makes a child NOT want to share like demanding they hand something over straight away. As someone said upthread, a simple 'DD is wearing them now but she'll let you have a turn in x minutes' would have probably solved the whole thing. I have three kids and I'm a childminder, I find giving kids a bit of time and backing off makes them a LOT more amenable to sharing.

The rules I have here are, if you're playing with it around others then it needs to be shared. If you don't want to share then it goes in your room/in your bag. I find if a mindee turns up with a toy and everyone instantly gets in their face demanding a go then it all kicks off! If I get everyone to back off and explain they've only just started playing with it and can share later, the mindee usually will willingly hand if over a short time later.

I would tend to agree with your friend here I'm afraid.

Firstly - your child did rather BLATANTLY lie about her "ears getting cold", and I'm surprised that wasn't picked up on even nicely with a "Now X you know that isn't true because we're inside. It isn't nice to lie" or whatever.

I can understand not expecting a child to share something of genuine value at an emotional level - but that's not something that is new and that they've only had for five minutes! And if it is so important to them, then they shouldn't be playing with it in front of others, although even that could be got around to be honest.

Your friend has probably invested a lot of time and effort into getting her child to share things, and so when another child doesn't do the same thing, she needs to re-enforce the message that sharing IS the right thing to do. Otherwise what's going to happen? Her kid thinks "why do I have to share my stuff, but I can't even try on someone elses?"

If even you think that your child is pretty selfish, then obviously it won't have gone unnoticed by other people close to you.

Maybe the biggest issue is that parents who take a stricter approach to their child tend to get very frustrated with parents who are much more laissez-faire. I'm not saying one approaching to parenting is more right than the other, but it's not that difficult to see how frustrations can arise.

I don't think any of this makes you a shit mum. If you're conscious of the fact that you're child is too selfish, then you just need to be prepared to focus on it.

This entire thread is just weird. Articles of clothing aren't toys and do not need to be "shared". Kids shouldn't be taught that anything they have or wear is fair game for someone else to try on.

I would also never ask to try someone else's property on, it's rude. I'd express and interest in the item, where they got it, whether they like it, and if they offered me to look then that's one thing.

I do not think your child is selfish from this one little post OP, however you say she is. What other instances are there? Why do you feel she's selfish? Have you simply been told she is because she won't give other people her things to play with?

I read this article last year which pretty much outlines how I feel about forcing children to give up their property at the whims of others: www.heathershumaker.com/blog/2013/09/13/throw-away-your-timer-why-kids-learn-more-when-they-dont-share/ I'm all for kids sharing, but forcing them to do so isn't sharing, it's teaching them that once someone else asks what they want doesn't matter.

Add to that, it's clothing and not up for sharing or trying on, just tell the friend where you got it If her kid wants some.

But the friend only wanted to try the ear muffs on sykadelic - if the DD was wearing the ear muffs indoors (which is a bit of an odd thing to do), she clearly wasn't cold and the other little girl was probably intrigued by them and just asked if she could try them on. I don't see why she couldn't have been gently encouraged to let her friend try them on and then have them returned to her. .

But maybe the other kid should be encouraged not to ask for other peoples stuff too?

My dc don't go round demanding people share things

(Well they do actually but it annoys me!)

I am an only child too - my parents made me share when I was a child and I hated it.

As I have grown up, I loathe sharing anything, especially if someone asks for something I have.

What I think I am trying to say is that, however you approach the sharing issue, may not make much difference to how your DD approaches it as she gets older.

I don't think that your daughter should have to share her earmuffs to be honest. I mean if it was another accessory such as a necklace or hairband it would be unusual to take it off to let someone try on. It is not like she wasn't letting the other girl play with her toys. So what if she said about her ears getting cold - take the hint she didn't want to take them off, more diplomatic than I don't want her touching my new ear muffs!!!

Sharing or swapping personal accessories is a sign of intimacy. The reason why girls like it is partly that they know that having permission to do so means they are close. It is a bonding thing. Therefore it is wrong to force a child to do that with someone they don't feel close to.

You absolutely force a child to share plates of biscuits, not take the last one, etc. Taking turns with toys etc also. Taking a garment off and letting the other person try it on a sign that you feel very friendly and open towards them. When you do this to someone you have just met it means "maybe we can be friends? I would like to know you better."

What Hully is describing as "warm" can't be forced. The reason why it comes across as friendliness is because it is a willing intimacy.

It's a grey area I think. I had a friend who's idea of sharing was totally different to mine. To her it was that mine had to hand over whatever toy they were playing with if hers wanted it.

Whereas my take was if someone's playing with it you have to wait. Or if it's their's and they don't give you permission, you can't have it.

Really I think you're just aiming for primary school where they need to understand that they can't have free access to other people's belongings and they will have to take turns on activity tables, with dressing up clothes etc.

As they get older they want to play a game or something with a friend so naturally are quite happy to share. Board games are good though for learning to take turns.

I wouldn't stress too much. It only causes friction when they're very young. FWIW I think the other mum is wrong. You don't always get to have because you ask in my book.

Ragwort right, but just because that little girl wanted to try them on doesn't mean she gets to. It's basically teaching that friends kid that because she wants something she's supposed to get her way.

Whether it be toys/clothes/whatever... I simply don't think that a child, or anyone for that matter, must let someone use their property simply because they were asked and they're not using it.

There is such a thing as "I'm not comfortable with that". Sometimes, sure, I let people use my stuff, loan it to them, but that's my choice and yes sometimes I do it only because I know I should, not because I want to. I'm an adult though and I understand the thought process though.

I was great at sharing/loaning until I went off to Uni and lived on campus... people stealing/breaking your stuff will do that to you!

Did your friend tell you you should do more about the sharing in front of the girls ? You shouldn't be feeling like a shit mum.I also wouldn't have liked her calling my dd mean.

I think the sharing thing depends on the item , when and where. Your friends dd cannot have everything she wants . Do you enjoy spending time with this critical friend ?