How do you sort out parenting differences - Aibu?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Dd is an only child and does find it hard to share. My own stance is that it is lovely to share but a child cannot be forced to share something precious to them and that actually it is human nature to be possessive over certain things.

Thus sounds so petty but the other day I bought dd some Christmas ear muffs. My friend came round with her dd and her dd wanted to try them on. My dd didn't want to let her and said she would get cold ears if she took them off! Now we all know that this was an excuse but my friend got very cross and said to her dd" xxxx is being mean." I was angry that she said that in front of my child...passive aggressive.

My friend told me that if her dd won't share she confiscates the item so no one can have it. I think that this is a great idea when it comes to toys but when it comes to something that someone is actually wearing it is inappropriate. I don't think children should be forced to share new items of clothing or accessories and I didn't want to confiscate them as there would gave been a big tantrum but also i knew how proud dd is of her new ear muffs.

Apparently I should have told dd off for saying that her ears will get cold as this was a lie. She just wanted an excuse not to share IMO. Apparently I do t do enough to encourage sharing when the truth us when the girls bicker I tend to switch off and let them get on with it whereas my friend is much more involved.

I did encourage dd to let her friend try on her head gear and she leg her have a go in the end.

Today I feel like a shit mum who dosnt encourage her dd to share. My friend and her mum said that my dd dosnt like to share and I feel like it's my fault. Am I doing enough? Should I have confiscated the head gear?

Also our parents go out so the are kind of family. I would like them to play together nicely but our girls compete and wind each other up which makes it tense. I do feel like I'm getting the blame surreptitiously for this when IMO the competition between them is natural albeit not desirable. I do try to encourage my dd to play nicely but tbh I feel out of my depth with the dynamics here.

The real issue is that you need to teach your dd kindness and generosity. She may not want to let her friend try on her ear muffs, but that is mean-spirited, and she needs to be taught that people don't like mean-spirited people.

Hully, when you have a lovely new hat to wear to a wedding, and your friend admires it, do you then feel that it's fine for her to ask to wear it? For context: your friend has a green blob of snot on her face all winter, and is always sucking her fingers and dribbling

I think from my experience of my son being an only child, you have to make an extra effort to teach only children to share etc because they don't have endless instances where they get to practice it at home. Important to learn that there are more important things than who owns what, but this stage soon passes.
It's very convenient if yr children get on with the children of friends but it can go either way - in just 2 introductions to sons of friends aged 10 my son met a soulmate & an enemy!

"I think from my experience of my son being an only child, you have to make an extra effort to teach only children to share etc "

I don't agree.

Siblings don't really naturally learn from each-other about sharing, because generally there is a year or more difference in ages so different rules apply. Not to mention that every child is different.

My son sometimes shares quite happily with kids he knows, who are the same age as him. However when it comes to sharing with a younger friend it's really hard to get him to understand that it's right for him to share but you have to excuse the younger friend for snatching or not wanting to share because they are so young.

I think that there are lots of differences in approach here and I think there are only three ways you can approach it:

• deal with the differences head on and tell your friend how and why you differ: you don't think children automatically have to share everything; new things and personal accessories / clothes are off limits, in your view; you are trying to teach your child to share outwith those limits but you believe there will be some argy bargy around this while the children learn and it is not particular one child's fault

• do everything your friend's way to stop her painting you and your child as the bad guy. This may not work as most small children struggle to share and now your friend has got it into her head that it is all your fault, mud sticks

• stick to your principles, never apologise, never explain, give up on the friendship

Only you know if your friend is sensible enough to be amenable to no. 1. I think it is the best way as it leaves you both room to agree to differ and respect each other. Many people wouldn't be able to hear that conversation though so good luck with that

That was my experience - not sure you can disagree?! :)
I just meant the sharing issue is bound to come up more & hopefully be dealt with in a good way where there are siblings. I agree it can be a problem with older/younger children with the worry by the older child that the younger ones will not only snatch but possibly damage stuff.

There should also be some respect for the culture of the house/family so kids need to learn to respect different rules may apply when they are out e.g. 're tv & chocolate but also what should be shared.
For me the sticking point was with laissez faire parents was when they did not intervene when their kids were violent towards mine e.g. biting & digging nails in. We didn't visit again.

I think if you are admitting that your DD can be a bit selfish then you are acknowledging that it is a problem ............. I do think in this instance the friend should have been allowed to try the ear muffs on - your DD is 6, not a baby or a toddler so she will (or should) understand that she will get them back.

Actually surely adults do this - I know if a friend has a nice hat or something I might say 'can I try it on please'.

I appreciate it is difficult when you have an only child (as I do), but it is important to encourage them to share and be kind and generous.

6 might be old enough to understanding sharing, but it's also old enough to understand that when you ask for something, sometimes people might say no. And not because they're 'mean' but because people don't necessarily want to share everything they own.

Unless I missed it, world communism has not triumphed, there is no reason to prepare children for a world where one must share anything other people fancy.

I think the OP should encourage her daughter more but I wouldn't punish her in this situation and I think the other mum was really rude.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but just wanted to say how I dealt with this when mine were younger.

I agree it's okay not to want to share everything. However, it isn't okay to use / play with / flaunt something you won't share. So my DC had to put away anything they didn't want to share if there were other children around. For me, this would include ear muffs in doors.

Perhaps this could be a useful compromise in future?

I assumed they were about 3 at first.
Yes, at 6, she should have let her friend try them on, and I would have encouraged her to do so. (I would have if they were 3, tbh)
The other Mum was rude to say what she did, but your dd was mean in the first place.
the fact she was wearing earmuffs inside means it wasn't part of her 'clothing' it was like a dressing up item.
If it were that precious to her, then it shouldn't be out and about and being used by her when other children are round.

I think it is outrageous to expect DC to "share" personal items such as clothes and favorite toys (dolls, teddies etc). Sharing is for Lego, board games, Playmobil etc.

Yes and I think parents' over-zealous, over-simplistic pushing of sharing everything unconditionally^ can add to the problem because children lose confidence that they will get their stuff back, in one piece, or that they have any rights over personal possessions at all, and this can make them more protective.

I try to model the manners I would like my children to display (please and thank you, offering food around, not interrupting, listening properly, etc). I find it completely impossible to contemplate modelling, for instance, giving a new birthday present book to some acquaintance who has just appeared in my house, and will probably scribble on it, before I have even read it myself: or taking off a garment I am actually wearing and letting someone else wear it. I think things like that are unreasonable.

However - whether the OP has a relationship with her friend where she can express that is doubtful - people are weird

I regularly lend clothes/books/whatever to people that want/need to borrow them. 99% of the time they are returned just fine and the borrower reciprocates in kind.

Occasionally an accident happens, and you know what the person and my relationship with them is worth more than a damaged hat/book.

And here, we are talking about a small child trying on a pair of ear muffs. No mention of scribbling on a book or twisting them out of shape. Why assume the worst of people? I find that the oddest approach.

I have always encouraged and praised my dc for showing open-hearted generosity and kindness. The world could do with a good deal more of it.

You are not encouraging open-hearted generosity in your child by making him/her share personal effects. You are encouraging him to lay himself open to abusive relationships!

Goodness, how did I not realise! And here we are with two happy well-adjusted, successful, popular grown up dc in loving long term relationships with lots of friends, and not an abusive relationship in sight!

Perhaps I should tell their friends and partners to hit them around a bit?

Letting someone try on your ear muffs is a red flag. Who knew!

I totally agree that dd should have shared and I don't take issue with that. I find it very sad that she seems to be so selfish. However I don't think I should have confiscated the earmuffs.

I have 3 DC, all older than this stage, and perfectly able to share, in fact at times I've said they can't lend to certain friends who have returned things which are damaged.
I never made them share everything with anyone, I encouraged them to. If the other little girls had been getting upset, I'd have said we need to put the ear muffs away. If they were that precious we would have probably put them away before the visit.

What would you have said if your "friend" had asked to borrow your brand new dress?
I don't think that highly of her as a friend, and wonder if she has boundary issues?

I think part of it is that it presses my buttons as I know how selfish dd is and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like a rubbish mum.

Do NOT let your friend make you feel rubbish, honestly. If you are worried, do some googling on how to encourage generosity in positive ways.

But also, do not get hung up on generosity = sharing. You want to encourage generosity as a character trait, but sharing is just one activity that shows generosity. People can be generous with their time, with their feelings, with their money when they're older. Is your DD good at sharing certain things and not others? Basically don't just look at her sharing, look at her overall spirit and encourage the good things she does.

And I think this thread shows that there are just different boundaries when it comes to sharing, and that is driving some of the different expectations of our children. Someone said earlier that if they saw their friend wearing a nice hat, they might ask to try it on. And that's totally fine, but I have to admit, that would never occur to me, because I would just think... well, that's her hat!

So we are all different and have different boundaries. Definitely encourage your DD to share but don't beat yourself up about it. I honestly think your friend was extremely rude.

superstar, it isn't really about "sharing," she didn't have to "share" her ear muffs (anyone else feeling earmuffgateish?), she just had to let her friend try them on as they are obviously lovely and attractive to the friend.

The best thing you can do is just have lots of chats about friendship and what being a friend means, kindness etc. Because these are real attributes that we value in people. I'm not saying be a doormat and let people take your ear muffs and kick you into the bargain, just, always do the kind thing if possible. It makes the world a nicer place.

As another thought, I wonder if your friend got cross because it is a recurring theme and she was fed up with her dd being upset by your dd? As you say yourself, you are aware of your dd's tendencies and haven't perhaps done enough to teach her otherwise so far?

just me that thinks op is nbu then..new earmuffs are not a sharing thing..idve said dd has just got them and cannot be parted yet (in lighthearted manner)and suggest they share something else.dd shares but keeps her earmuffs on.surly pa mum is bu

You do sound a little precious over this and your daughter sounds selfish, but she's 6 years old, pretty much all children are selfish to some degree, they're still learning!

You should encourage her to share, unless it's something of very precious comfort to her, but your friend was very rude. I don't think I would ever make a negative comment about another person's child, certainly not in front of the child! Ultimately, it's not for your friend to dictate to you how you should parent your child.