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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just can't seem to forget ....upsetting ...

33 replies

Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 20:19

3.5 years ago I had a termination. I had kind of come around to idea of a second dc. Dp was against idea though ....We had a 10 month old dc ....dp job was threatened with redundancy....I sorted out an early medical termination at around 8 weeks.

I came home that eve after having the medication to basically miscarry at home. I calmly explained to dp that it was both of our responsibility to look at future contraception and explained I felt so guilty about what we had done. As he often does ....if he hears something he doesn't like....he shut down and didn't really speak with me that eve.... other than asking if I wanted a cup of tea etc.

He had asked the night before if he should take time off work. I told him very stupidly ....to do what he thought best.

He went to work. He left me for 2 days bleeding heavily and in pain whilst looking after our dd....crawling at the time. It's a horrible memory.

I just can't get past this....he has said he was a coward and ran away ....but I just can't move on. It's not that he left me ....but our dd in my care in the state I was in. I couldn't do this to another human being and struggle with it.

I have had 2 MMC in last 10 months ....one this time last year at 17 weeks. I'm sure it makes things seem so much worse.

We have just started couples therapy but I just don't know if its even worth it....Has anyone else found counselling has helped?

Don't even know what I'm asking but thanks for reading.

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 07/12/2014 20:24

Thanks Don't know if there's anything I can say but I feel for you and hope that things get easier. Thanks

Original poster
Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 21:49

Thanks Humble

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/12/2014 21:55

I'm sorry that you were so unsupported at a time of great need. I don't known if I could get past that either, to be honest.

Very sorry to read of your subsequent miscarriages, have you had counselling just for you? I'm assume you basically managed those as well without any support - that's an awful lot to bear.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 07/12/2014 22:03

Thanks Trib....

I'm having counselling at the moment both sessions by myself and couples counselling. Dp was extremely supportive during the subsequent losses....we were both devastated....however I just struggle so much with this previous situation and am finding it hard to draw a line under it.

I know I need to try to.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/12/2014 22:13

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I had a missed mc that was started with medical management and began at home (though I transferred to hospital over night as they were concerned at the blood loss I reported). So physically, the same as a termination.

Tbh, I had no idea what was going to happen. I wouldn't have predicted the amount of blood loss or the pain. Frankly, it still amazes me that the pain was greater than later childbirth - though I suppose you have much more to see you through it, mentally.

So whilst I'm cross with him for leaving you and letting you deal with your child too, there is a bit of me that "sympathises" that he would have had no idea how bad it was going to be.

I think the counselling is a good idea. I wonder if there is more to it, which is why it's hard to let it go - if you're trying to let go of the wrong thing. You may be trying to get past your anger at being left, when your anger is actually that you wanted him to support you in continuing the pregnancy. The counselling has to be worth a try.

tribpot · 07/12/2014 22:15

I don't think you need to try to draw a line under it. He doesn't seem to understand the enormity of what he did. So he was a coward and ran away - how would he feel if you had done that to him? How do you trust that it will never happen again?

It's not time to try to draw a line under it, it's time to be angry about it.

BitchPeas · 07/12/2014 22:26

I had similar happen to me in the past, but the relationship ended so I didn't have to go through what you are.

His behaviour was cowardly and shocking and selfish. There is no excuse for it and I should hope he would be accepting this and grovelling for your forgiveness and respect.

How has he been with you since if you have been ill with flu etc? How is he with your DD when she is ill?

I'm sorry for your losses and also that you had to go through that alone. Flowers

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 09:27

Why should you move on? The truth of traumatic experiences is that they stay with us. If we're lucky we learn something from the experience and try to avoid replicating it. What you've learned is that your DP is capable of being supremely thoughtless and uncaring in a crisis. Why would you feel obliged to move on with someone like that?

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 11:48

Thanks for all the replies

Even now it causes the most awful rows. I feel very bitter about this amongst a few other things. I'll carry on with the counselling and see if anything improves....

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 08/12/2014 11:57

For me the term moving on implies accepting that you can't go back and change what happened or how people behaved in a stressful situation. What you can change is how you would deal with a similar situation now. So you know you need to be more explicit - yes, I need you to stay with me. He knows he can't run away.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 11:59

what are the "few other things" ?

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 12:25

Have a few problems ....a trust issue going back years when I found him on some contact sites....be it inactive but there were still profiles on there.

A very different issue in one respect I guess....but trusting him to be there in a crisis is a big thing.

To be honest he's always been very dependable and caring in situations prior and after. I just hate that he left that day and was away for the night with work also. He was away almost 3 days.

I feel sometimes I'm 'good old scoop' she'll just get on with it....and that's how he views me.

He was always the most thoughtful guy on birthdays etc last 2 he has gone and bought a garage card on the day and not even sorted anything for our dd. I know it sounds so petty but this comes up in arguments also.

It's been bought to the forefront of my mind lately I guess. I struggle with it. The guilt....also.

I sometimes feel there are so many issues I don't know where to start.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 12:27

It very much sounds like he takes you for granted.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 12:29

Wisps ....yes you are right.... I should have been more explicit and said 'yes of course I need you here I'm not meant to be on my own for the next x hours'....I stupidly thought intelligent man ....can work that out for himself surely. Not the case.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 12:30

It doesn't actually matter that someone behaves fine 99% of the time. If the 1% they get wrong is bad enough then it wipes out everything else and spoils the whole thing. That's not your fault and neither is it your responsibility to get over it. Some things genuinely are unforgiveable.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 12:36

AF mince pies Smile

Yes I think I probably take him for granted also. But yes, there is an element of that in there....

OP posts:
Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 12:41

Cog....that's just about how I'm feeling at the moment. It's as though the hurt won't diminish whatever way I look at it and it stops us moving forward.

Also his 'was a coward and ran away I guess' makes me fume even more.

OP posts:
losthermind · 08/12/2014 12:44

Flowers I went through a very similar scenario to yourself 10 years ago,
I suffered immensely with blood loss, pain and having to deal with DD who was 16 months old at the time.
I subsequently ended up in hospital with a uterine infection and had to have a D&C all the while DP didn't take any time off work to help me or look after DD, wouldn't even drop me off at hospital for my D&C.......it all came to light that he was shagging someone else at the time, needless to say I am not with the waste of space anymore, but I still bear a grudge to the way I was treated by the utter arsehole......I did eventually have counselling for it to make myself feel better......time is a great healer as cliche as it sounds, I'm sorry you are going through this Flowers

thekingfisher · 08/12/2014 12:45

Are you usual a 'coper'?

ie cope with most stuff thrown your way?

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 12:46

If someone's really hurt you and they are around all the time, they're a constant reminder. So the hurt doesn't go away because they don't go away. The only way you get past the hurt when that is the case is to eliminate the source and make a fresh start. Counselling doesn't make a bad experience good. It can't erase memories. It can't stop you feeling angry if you have good reason to be angry

You may feel that 'LTB' is too severe a response to the problem and that you'll lose more than you gain but the reality is that what you want.... a man you don't feel angry with.... is not one of the options on the table.

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 13:05

Lost....so sorry you had to go through that what an awful awful time you must have had. I'm truly not surprised you hold a grudge.

I'm generally a coper I guess just fragile these last months.

Not really expecting miracles from counselling but help to heal myself would be useful. If the couples therapy doesn't help things along then come the new year I will be very seriously thinking of a future without him in my life.

OP posts:
losthermind · 08/12/2014 13:32

I found it very therapeutic just to talk and tell someone my personal feelings on the matter, just to be heard was a relief.
The main issue you have to ask yourself is what is going to happen when the shit hits the fan again ????? It is now a lack of trust you feel towards someone who means the absolute world to you, you feel that you surely can't mean that much to him or you wouldnt have been treated in such an appalling manor. You have to ask yourself if you can ever regain that trust in him again

Original poster
Only1scoop · 08/12/2014 15:41

Lost ....thanks and yes it does help even just to have told on here. I agree trust is the big issue. I suppose since its happened he has 'been there' in other times of hurt. Did you find the counselling helped in your situation?

OP posts:
losthermind · 08/12/2014 16:13

It helped me because I had no support from anybody at the time, my brother had passed away a few months previous
So I didn't tell my family or mother due to the grief they were going through, I thought it would be selfish of me to burden them at the time, DP never really acknowledged how much I was hurting and only ever showed remorse once. I now know the arsehole was an outright cheating lying snake, and I don't think a true word came out of his mouth, stupidly enough I went on to have DS with him, but have been free of his lies for almost 7 years now and have never looked back. Carry on with the counselling and see how you go, feel free to PM me if you like WineCakeSmile

thornyhousewife · 08/12/2014 16:54

I'm so sorry for your losses.

To me it sounds as though your husband has stepped up since the incident. I'm sure he knows he let you down but he was probably finding it traumatic too and reacted badly.

I'm sure you can work with through this. I know it helps to talk to through these traumas but I wonder if your husband is receiving an unfair proportion of blame?

I think it's clear that he really cares for you. Good luck.