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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you manage not to fight in front of your DC?

44 replies

JuniorMumber · 07/12/2014 18:28

Can I ask whether you fight with your partner in front of your DC, and if not - how do you manage that?

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 07/12/2014 22:12

I am sorry to say that I have fought with my DH in front of my DCs over the course of a long marriage. ( we are still together after 42 years)
I did try hard not to do it when they were small. I knew it was something that would diminish me in their eyes, so I mainly saved my hissing for when they were in bed or out of the vicinity.
When they come home for Christmas I will ask them if they remember any of my Drama Queen behaviour.
The all grew up to be successful people, good jobs, nice partners, etc, but I suffer from guilt like most parents. IF ONLY I could do it again, knowing what I know now.
However, you can't.

Longtalljosie · 07/12/2014 22:36

Research shows though - that never fighting in front if your children can be equally damaging. As long as you fight "fair" - and resolve the conflict in their sight as well so they can see the compromise / misunderstanding straightened out / whatever, they learn conflict is nothing to be afraid of.

CogitOIOIO · 07/12/2014 23:13

Define 'fight'. All relationships throw up differences of opinion and annoyances. I think showing DCs that you can disagree without getting nasty is part of how they learn about love and life. My parents never argued in front of the children but would have knock down rows when they thought we were asleep.... that was shit, I can tell you

Theselittlelightsofmine · 07/12/2014 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whereismagic · 07/12/2014 23:22

Fight as in no holds barred? No, that would be damaging to everybody. We argue and try to come to some sort of agreement. Obviously, everybody has a different temperament but I found it so awful when we hit a rough patch and fought with unnerving regularity. Don't know how children can make sense of it because I was overwhelmed.

ouryve · 07/12/2014 23:25

We manage because we don't fight.

We do disagree, sometimes (it would be unhealthy not to, I think) but it doesn't blow up.

Cerisier · 07/12/2014 23:35

It doesn't happen often but if we disagree we discuss the issue. We wouldn't hide away so the teens would hear us and would hear us both giving our viewpoint. Neither of us shout or blow up, and we always come to some sort of agreement, so I think it is a reasonable example for the teens to see.

operaha · 08/12/2014 08:40

We dont fight.
If we disagree on something we sort it out but never fight - not once.
I have been in relationships where fighting was "normal" and Ill never go there again.

Joysmum · 08/12/2014 08:53

We have disagreements in front of my DD. It's normal not to agree with people and she needs to know she's allowed to disagree, and how to do so by listening and debating to reach compromise.

There seems to be a weird general opinion on mumsnet that people can't disagree or express themselves that I couldn't more strongly disagree with. If I couldn't sensibly disagree with anyone then that's my red flag that the relationship isn't a healthy one and I'd not bother with them.

diddl · 08/12/2014 09:05

We don't fight or argue either.

Disagree about & discuss stuff.

If you fight/argue, what is it about?

If we disagreed about something so much that it caused arguments, then I wouldn't think that we were suited tbh.

NoelleHawthorne · 08/12/2014 09:07

I grew up in a House were blaming things was an official sport.
I agree kids need to see a bit of disagreement - but it resolved, but not slanging matches

NoelleHawthorne · 08/12/2014 09:08

I get annoyed by H doing my work tops on a 1200 spin.

argh - I have asked him twenty thrillion times.

the other day I texted him ' please please please dont put my work tops on uber spin'

no reply Wink

ThomasLynn · 08/12/2014 09:15

We grump at each other and can be a bit snippy but no, we don't Proper Fight. I've spent a decade learning to control my temper, and I do so with an iron grip!

I remember my parents having a Proper Fight once. It raged for hours while I sat in my room reading stories to DBro and tried to keep him calm.
That's not happening to DD, not on my watch.

Original poster
JuniorMumber · 08/12/2014 16:24

We are struggling not to fight in front of DD - and I'm not talking about a disagreement, but shouting and name calling. She's 4 months now and it has to stop because I desperately don't want her witnessing us slagging each other off. I remember my own parents fighting and it is gut wrenching for a child to witness.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuniorMumber · 08/12/2014 16:24

Thomas, what's your tip for controlling anger?

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 08/12/2014 16:36

but shouting and name calling.

Er... just don't do it.

Shouting is one thing but name calling?!? This is not acceptable from someone you care about at all. Forget in front of the children. You need to stop the name calling now.

Hurr1cane · 08/12/2014 16:42

We don't fight. We also disagree and sort it out. We never fight though, I honestly can't be bothered with fighting and he can't either. Too much emotional energy involved.

Vivacia · 08/12/2014 17:01

We don't fight or argue, and never have (for the same reason as Thomas says). We love each other, so it's kind of easy.

We disagree though, in front of the kids.

Tobyjugg · 08/12/2014 17:20

No. DW and I both have short fuses. We fought whether dcs were there or not. Felt it was better that they see this rather than we papered over the cracks and tried to play happy families. Always made sure that they saw we loved each other and it was nothing to get unhappy about . Been married for 36 years now.

ThomasLynn · 08/12/2014 17:37

Honestly? Practice. I started by stepping outside and breathing, waiting for the rage to subside. I read about how to get my point across politely and assertively, and practiced in the mirror, in my head, any time I had any point to make.
If I knew I was going to go into a situation that would ordinarily make me lose it, I prepared. I came up with scripts and followed them as best I could. Sometimes, I'd say "I don't want to lose my temper so I'm going to go to my room and calm down." (Or outside, whatever)

I thought a lot about the damage my temper did, how I lost friends, how my relationship with mum was up and down etc.

Some of it is simply deciding that I Will Not Lose My Temper. Sometimes it's barely contained, but I find asking "is this worth it?" Helps. I'm a much nicer person now I'm not so angry, I think, and I find if I don't shout and scream, they don't shout and scream either.

This doesn't mean I don't get angry- it means I am angry, but totally in control.

I slipped a lot. Like I said, it's taken the best part of a decade, from about 15 to now, to see a wall covered in marker and not have a red mist moment.

Sorry if that's really stilted, I'm on my phone. Hope it helps a bit.

diddl · 08/12/2014 17:54

But what is it that you are shouting at each other about?

Primadonnagirl · 08/12/2014 18:00

I knew this was going to descend into a " we don't fight we just discuss " stealth boast response type thread. You may need to explain OP that you don't literally mean bashing the living day lights out of each other!

diddl · 08/12/2014 18:12

I'm not stealth boasting.
.
We don't shout/argue, neither did my parents or his.

so tbh, it's not something that i "get"

Primadonnagirl · 08/12/2014 18:19

So why post on this thread then? If you don't get it how can you be helpful? It's great that you are in that position..not knocking that..but the OP is clearly in a different place

Joysmum · 08/12/2014 18:22

I think perception WILL colour this thread.

Reminds me of one of my friends saying her DS was walking at x months and me saying my DD was walking at x months.

For me it was able when the favours walking, to her it was about first steps.

Perception will affect our responses, it always does Smile

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