Do you manage not to fight in front of your DC?

[JuniorMumber]

Can I ask whether you fight with your partner in front of your DC, and if not - how do you manage that?

9/10 arguments arise because DH feels I am being critical of him, and then attacks me as a defence mechanism - and then it snowballs from there. We analyse all our fights and know why they start,we are working on it.

Not attacks physically, I might add.

Thanks Thomas, useful advice. I'm also finding 'mindfulness' very good for cooling down mid argument.

Anyhow Op , I think it is healthy for kids to see parents get over arguments. As long as the argument itself is moderated in front of the children, I think it's good for them to see an apology, hug etc. Or just to see that arguments are not the end of the world. Nasty rowing though is inappropriate full stop. If we ever found ourselves at tipping point in front of the kids we would say to each other we'd discuss it later. Sometimes DH would then want to drop it, but I'd always insist on talking it out.Usually though we had calmed down by then and we'd be all " what was that about?!"

Op has asked how people manage not to "fight" in front of the kids.

For us there's just nothing that we feel the need to shout at each other about.

That's why I asked what it is that they shout about.

That's not to say that I never get angry/annoyed, but I don't shout at others about it.

That's exactly it, diddl. DH and I both get angry, exhausted, frustrated and often driven absolutely mad by something that's happening (hard not to, sometimes, with 2 kids with SN and challenging behaviour). We do let off steam and express what is bothering us and sometimes our words are even sharp. No stealth boasting involved. We're perfectly human and fallible.

No matter how angry we are with events, or even each other, it doesn't descend into accusation and counter accusation , with name calling thrown in for good measure. My ex was a bit handy with the name calling. It solved nothing and was a total waste of energy. It also made me lose respect for him.

So it's perfectly valid to state that you don't fight by using better means of resolving disagreements.

Someone posted this in another thread. It might be a good starting point, OP
www.kidsinthehouse.com/all-parents/partnerships-and-marriage/building-strong-partnerships/how-bring-conflict-non

Agree with diddl - married 26+ years and can honestly say I've never sworn, shouted or called my DH names .

Not a stealth boast, we don't agree on everything and don't live in some sort of married bliss but it's just not in our nature to shout and scream.

Do you act like that with other people, or just towards your DH? As diddl says, what are you shouting at your DH about?

Actually I have read somewhere that people are a lot more passionate if they have great shouting/slanging matches and then make it up - to be honest I just couldn't be bothered to have a row.

I'm ashamed to say we have argued recently and our dd who is 4 has overheard us. I feel awful.

Junior, at least you recognise that it is a problem. Obviously only you can change your own behaviour and the same goes for your partner. But be very clear about this, shouting, screaming and name calling etc would fall under 'neglect' in the eyes of many social workers so it has to stop.

And that's it in a way. You simply say' this stops right now'. You either discuss calmly and rationally just what is causing all this conflict and work on negotiating the terms of your relationship or, if that cannot be done, I'm afraid it could be the end of the relationship. Your baby comes first. Domestic Abuse is very, very, very damaging to even babies in utero. They become worried babies and can display all kinds of sad, difficult behaviour. They also grow up thinking it's the normal way to behave.

If you feel that dealing with this alone is too difficult do discuss with your health visitor, there are counsellors,support workers and other people who can help based around children's centres etc. they will not judge you, rather admire you for seeking help.

Having a new baby can be very challenging, it gets easier. Having said that we don't know if this is a new thing or you simply have a crap relationship. Have a good hard think and make some big changes. For you but also for your little baby.

If you are not criticising & he insists that you are then it's an endless/unwinnable one, isn't it?

So yes, someone needs to just stop/walk away at some point.

Easier said than done, I'm sure.

Sorry, there were lots of posts while I was typing. I think learning to keep your mouth shut whilst your partner does baby things is incredibly difficult, so look away. As long as it isn't dangerous, does it matter? Only you know this.

As to your original question, yes we bicker a bit sometimes. In 25 years we've had about three big arguments. Can't remember if the dc were there. But never any name calling or saying anything awful that can't be taken back. And yes, of course disagreement is normal, it's the response that has to be considered. Kids aren't damaged by the odd row, but daily fighting and swearing is very different.

Lastly, research does show that if dads are constantly critics eased for their baby dealings they often give up so try to go and do something else while he's doing his thing.

Auto correct. Should say criticised, of course.

So are you criticising how he does stuff?

We do have shouting arguments, not very many and not very often, but it's not unheard of. We are argumentative people in general though and often disagree and argue about really quite small things. Over the years I have learned to react less and he has learned to walk away so it is infrequent. The children see us have the odd reasonably loud argy bargy that is over in seconds- my eldest laughs at us and tells us we are silly (which we are). We also disagree in a reasonably animated way about politics, TV choices, what one of us said/didn't say, lots of things- I expect they are mentally making notes not to be like us but I don't feel it is a negative or hostile environment - we are all quite loud and the children are loud at times too.

I would also describe our relationship as passionate and always interesting (on a good day). It can be tiring though and when I read about people on here always getting along with only minor disagreements and never raising their voices, I do think it sounds more relaxing.

I don't agree with name-calling in front of the children, although I have called my husband a twit recently in front of them.

My memory of my childhood is listening to my parents argue. It has had such a negative impact on my siblings and myself that I will NEVER argue in front of my children. We bicker very occasionally but that is the reality of life, you cannot shield them from everything.

I would rather my parents split up when I was 5 instead of waiting until I was 25 as they stayed together for the. 'Sake of the children' big big horrible mistake.

I might be in the middle of a marriage breakup so some of the discussions in the house get pretty heated when the DDs are out at school.

We began to bicker a few weeks back and DD1 (5.7) wandered into the kitchen and said 'Oh pack it in you two' in exactly the tone I use when she's fighting with her sister. I apologised and we stopped... demonstrating that you can pack it in when asked, something she needs to learn

There may have been a rant over the summer when DH 'helpfully' reached into my driving space to beep the horn at someone. He'd already given me tips for pulling out of a junction quarter of a mile back. Then when I was shaking with rage at the horn-thing helpfully pointed out I should change gear I was hanging onto the steering wheel while trying to keep the red mist at bay, no spare hand for gear changing I pulled into a layby and screamed at him about driving boundaries. At the end of my screaming fit DD1 calmly pointed out to DH that he was in the wrong and should say sorry.

Yes, we argue. Of course we do.

We don't scream and yell or throw things, but raised/snappy voices? Sometimes even over silly things? Yes. Not often though. 2 or 3 times a year maybe. Never, ever name calling. Ever.

Perhaps you could come up with a code word that would mean you should both retreat to your respective corners, as it were. Then sort of regroup, and calm down.

They say where there is anger there is fear. I would've asked myself what I am afraid of.