Is Husband cheating?

[Kittykate84]

Ok so this is the first time I have posted on here and I'm doing it at 4.15am as I just can't sleep, I don't know all the abbreviations yet so you will have to bare with me!

On Friday night my husband myself and some of his work related friends went for a few christmas drinks. I came home early as I wasn't feeling 100%. My husband stayed out and all was well. At 2.30am he phoned me to let him in as he had lost his jacket and keys (not unusual when he is a bit drunk) I let him in and it was clear that he had been in some kind of fight. He immediately told me the whole story of how he had walked one of the women home as he didn't want her walking home alone and that he had given her a hug and a kiss on the cheek outside her house and her fiancé had come flying out and punched him in the face for no reason.

I had no reason to doubt my husband as he is always happy to walk someone home if they are alone and is a very tactile person who always greets and says goodbye to everyone, men or women, with a kiss and a hug (that'll be the Italian part!). I just assumed that the fiancé had seen the hugging and got the wrong idea. I trust my husband 100% as (other than once when we first got together) he has never given me reason not to!
About 10 mins later the fiancé sent me a message saying that he had caught them kissing and had punched my husband. (I ignored it as I figured that it may be easier to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding in the morning when he had calmed down)

This morning however I sent a message on FB to the woman in question to check she was ok and to let her know that I knew what had happened and not to worry as my husband had explained everything. The message I got back was from the fiancé saying that he had definatly seen them kissing, in his words "her arms round his neck, his hands on her arse, tongues down each other's throats" he said he saw them from the upstairs window and rushed downstairs, he said he wanted to check that he hadn't made a mistake so opened the door and stood and watched them for a few seconds. He said they were so ingrossed in each other that they didn't even notice him coming out of the house until his fist contacted my husbands ear. He got hit a couple of times and left without hitting back (I don't understand why as he is a very good kick boxer and could have defended himself). He also said the missing coat had been on the woman in question and if he wanted it back it was outside his house covered in piss...nice!

After seeing that message I felt sick, I have always trusted my husband 100% and we have a fantastic relationship (tmi alert-not a huge amount of sex due to reacurring yeast infection but a couple times a month!) We never argue and after 6 years together and a 2 year old daughter are just generally super happy!

I decided to do a bit of digging and check his phone etc and found that there were no messages on his phone from this woman at all...that might seem like a good thing but they are friends and I know they have sent text messages before as I have seen them! So he has deleted the whole thread of messages from her. Why would you do that if you have nothing to hide?? He never deletes anything and still has all the messages head ever sent in the 2 years he has had the phone!!

I am worried now. I have spoken to a couple of friends about it and they have both said that my husband adores me and would never cheat on me, and that they all want to meet men as lovely as him.

I am so torn, I want to trust him as I always have and as far as I know he has never broken that trust and I feel SOOO guilty that I am doubting him but I just can't shake this really heavy sick feeling in my stomach. I need help xx

kitty that's good.
Given what you know about the fiance, do you think that the fiancee needs some support (not necessarily from you)?

Why did he lie about the coat?

I am curious why he didn't report the assault to the police though. Surely that would open things up for the woman to get some support for her situation.

Well rather than chalking it up to experience, I would be calling the police and reporting the fiance for assault.

Punching someone in the head twice and then pissing on their property is assault and criminal damage. Why the hell should he get away with that? And hopefully it would be a wake up call for the woman too.

I'm more inclined to believe your husband. The fiance has every reason to make as big an issue as he can out of this for the simple reason that he's possibly looking at a criminal charge for assault. The deleted texts - if as you say he keeps everything else - are something you should get an explanation for.

The question of whether he "lost" his jacket or "abandoned" it because it was over the woman's shoulders, is justs semantics.

A drunken snog after a party is not cheating in my book (otherwise DW would have been ex-DW years ago).

I think it's the texts you need to ask about. Having said that, I agree with Alice's suggestion about the question you should ask about the assault itself.

I would believe the fiancée who was sober and at home.

He may have been at home, but there's no evidence that he was either drunk or sober.

If she's a good friend and colleague of his who is presumably cares about - why hasn't the 'jealous nutter' been referenced before? And if he's a jealous nutter who is prone to making unfounded accusations and punching random blokes who walk his partner home ... why is she still engaged to him?

And why the hell doesn't your husband file a report against this bloke if he's a violent nutter? Surely he would do so, out of concern for his friend, if nothing else?

I realise I'm an old cynic posting on a messageboard .. but I must admit, there's still a lot of questions I'd want answering if it was me.

But if you're happy with what you've been told OP, that's the main thing. You know your hubby better than anyone.

Please get your dh to report it to the police esp if you are correct and the fiance is an abusive arse.

At some point in the future some poor woman might truly appreciate that his violent tendencies are already reported to the police

I think the 'relief' you are feeling (with Christmas so close) will wear off soon and the nagging doubts that you may still have will peck at your head until you address them.

If you believe what you've been told then your husband has been assaulted and his property damaged. The police should be informed and if your husband won't ring them, maybe you should. Make sure that you look into his face when you ring and report this.

You won't be able to sweep this under the carpet, OP but, if you choose to, you can accept everything as truth and blot it out of your mind.

And again... as somebody previously said, please don't blame the 'Italian-ness' of your husband's heritage as in any way being responsible for this. Your husband is fully responsible for all of it.

One thing that is a bit iffy here from OP:

"About 10 mins later the fiancé sent me a message saying that he had caught them kissing and had punched my husband."

Why has the fiancé of a woman you hardly know got your phone number? It might be sensible to make sure you can explain that to your husband before taking this further.

If my husband did this I would be fucking livid. Even if it was just walking home, cuddle and peck I would be steaming red smoke from my ears.

Just no.

However if you are in a more permissive relationship I don't actually think they are having an affair, more that it was a blunder after too much booze. If you are feeling very charitable I would say to your husband 'Look, I haven't got time to untangle what you did that night but I am 100% sure it was wrong and not what you should be doing if you're married. It had better never, ever happen again. If it does, I'm leaving you'. And leave it at that.

I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner who kisses and cuddles women at 2 in the morning, but apart from that I'd be believing my partner too OP.

And if he's a jealous nutter who is prone to making unfounded accusations and punching random blokes who walk his partner home ... why is she still engaged to him?

Read any thread on here about abuse and you will see just how hard it can be to leave. Many women marry men who are already very abusive to them as they feel that "he is lovely when he isnt shouting/hitting/raping me"

But he's not such a jealous nutter that he has a problem with his fiancee going out on the piss with a bunch of people from work - male and female - on her own?

Now he's apparently punched his fiancee's entirely innocent work colleague and pissed all over his jacket and it's all innocent and a misunderstanding and that's it - everyone just wants to forget about it?

Also, the OP clearly stated in her OP that:

decided to do a bit of digging and check his phone etc and found that there were no messages on his phone from this woman at all...that might seem like a good thing but they are friends and I know they have sent text messages before as I have seen them! So he has deleted the whole thread of messages from her. Why would you do that if you have nothing to hide?? He never deletes anything and still has all the messages head ever sent in the 2 years he has had the phone!!

... and yet when her H says 'no, we didn't text, only communicated via facebook and here you go have a look' ... it's like the texts she apparently saw - never happened?

Like I said, I'd be asking a lot more questions but that's just me and I admit to being very cynical and suspicious by nature. I sincerely hope that it is all innocent for the OP's sake, and if she is happy with what her H has told her, then it's all good.

So they never text but only use facebook messenger? What about the texts from her that you have seen? He is still lying. Of course the facebook messages are bound to be innocent seeing as her fiancé apparently has access to them. Why didn't he mention that the guy was a 'nutter' originally?

It's totally understandable that you want to believe what you are being told by your husband and his friends but I would still watch out for any other signs. If there is something going on he is bound to let his guard down eventually, especially if he thinks he has gotten away with this one.

referring only to the opening post...
I laughed out loud. 'That must be the Italian part....'. No, sorry. The Italian part is lower down and he thinks with it. He has a second phone, and probably a third.
Apologies. I'm thinking of one Italian in particular, not all of them. Don't mean to tar yours with the same brush.
But it did amuse me. And if you've any sense at all, you'll keep your eyes and ears open.

Why didn't your husband hit back or call the police?

Why hasn't she responded to you yet?

Why did he delete her texts?

His story doesn't add up to me.

john

I dont think I would hit back either tbh, if someone is so bonkers as to go for me then I would be more concerned with getting away. Hitting back is just likely to enrage them.

She may be allowed to respond, if the stories about him are true.

The text thing....is very fishy.

I wonder if the truth is somewhere in the middle. That yes he is a jealous nutter but that the DH was indeed snogging her when they were caught, which is why he doesnt want to involve the police.

not be allowed to respond.

Why didn't your husband hit back or call the police?

I suspect because like most blokes who get belted unexpectedly, his first thought was to leg it (leaving his jacket behind) - aprticularly if said fiance was a bigger guy. As for the police, it's his word against the fiance's and after going through all the hassle that a police report entails, what would he have achieved? No, that part of the story rings 100% true to me.

I thought the whole point of martial arts was to defend yourself from attackers.

Meh. I don't believe the dh.

OP - Why on earth don't you just go round to their house and ask them face to face what happened?

I doubt anyone in this story will be calling the police