Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is Husband cheating?

73 replies

Kittykate84 · 07/12/2014 05:08

Ok so this is the first time I have posted on here and I'm doing it at 4.15am as I just can't sleep, I don't know all the abbreviations yet so you will have to bare with me!

On Friday night my husband myself and some of his work related friends went for a few christmas drinks. I came home early as I wasn't feeling 100%. My husband stayed out and all was well. At 2.30am he phoned me to let him in as he had lost his jacket and keys (not unusual when he is a bit drunk) I let him in and it was clear that he had been in some kind of fight. He immediately told me the whole story of how he had walked one of the women home as he didn't want her walking home alone and that he had given her a hug and a kiss on the cheek outside her house and her fiancé had come flying out and punched him in the face for no reason.

I had no reason to doubt my husband as he is always happy to walk someone home if they are alone and is a very tactile person who always greets and says goodbye to everyone, men or women, with a kiss and a hug (that'll be the Italian part!). I just assumed that the fiancé had seen the hugging and got the wrong idea. I trust my husband 100% as (other than once when we first got together) he has never given me reason not to!
About 10 mins later the fiancé sent me a message saying that he had caught them kissing and had punched my husband. (I ignored it as I figured that it may be easier to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding in the morning when he had calmed down)

This morning however I sent a message on FB to the woman in question to check she was ok and to let her know that I knew what had happened and not to worry as my husband had explained everything. The message I got back was from the fiancé saying that he had definatly seen them kissing, in his words "her arms round his neck, his hands on her arse, tongues down each other's throats" he said he saw them from the upstairs window and rushed downstairs, he said he wanted to check that he hadn't made a mistake so opened the door and stood and watched them for a few seconds. He said they were so ingrossed in each other that they didn't even notice him coming out of the house until his fist contacted my husbands ear. He got hit a couple of times and left without hitting back (I don't understand why as he is a very good kick boxer and could have defended himself). He also said the missing coat had been on the woman in question and if he wanted it back it was outside his house covered in piss...nice!

After seeing that message I felt sick, I have always trusted my husband 100% and we have a fantastic relationship (tmi alert-not a huge amount of sex due to reacurring yeast infection but a couple times a month!) We never argue and after 6 years together and a 2 year old daughter are just generally super happy!

I decided to do a bit of digging and check his phone etc and found that there were no messages on his phone from this woman at all...that might seem like a good thing but they are friends and I know they have sent text messages before as I have seen them! So he has deleted the whole thread of messages from her. Why would you do that if you have nothing to hide?? He never deletes anything and still has all the messages head ever sent in the 2 years he has had the phone!!

I am worried now. I have spoken to a couple of friends about it and they have both said that my husband adores me and would never cheat on me, and that they all want to meet men as lovely as him.

I am so torn, I want to trust him as I always have and as far as I know he has never broken that trust and I feel SOOO guilty that I am doubting him but I just can't shake this really heavy sick feeling in my stomach. I need help xx

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 10:55

If I could cast spells, it most certainly wouldn't be to have my ex back. Hmm

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/12/2014 11:07

Go round and speak to them.

RedRoom · 07/12/2014 11:13

I'd believe the fiance more than your husband. Your husband lied about the coat, selectively deleted messages from her alone (surely if they were innocent then he'd leave them, or delete them along with other messages) and admits to hugging her and pecking her on the cheek, which to me is a partial admission of what was going on.

If a woman on here found her fiancé on the doorstep with his hands on a woman's arse and tongue down her throat, I don't think anyone would call her 'controlling' for looking at his FB messages to see if that same woman had been messaging him on there. This guy replied to a message that was sent about a situation that directly involved him- his fiancée, on his own property and he was the witness. That is not the same as a guy who makes a permanent habit of reading / replying to messages sent to his girlfriend which aren't actually his business. If I had seen my husband kissing a woman then I'd be looking at his texts, emails and FB too. As it happens, I don't believe he has, so have never once looked in his phone etc. It's not controlling- it's just not being taken for an absolute mug. You looked at your husband's phone messages- no difference at all.

It sounds like the husband got a good enough view of things to be certain of what he saw. All of that stuff about the guy not being able to see from the angle of upstairs windows is nonsense- not every house has a flat front. I can see visitors from my bedroom window! You can tell flirtatious behaviour from a split second capture in a photo: standing there for several minutes from an above angle and eye level is going to leave him in no doubt. Your husband will be relying on passing this off as a mistake due to the fiance's poor view of things, but I don't see how it can be questioned unless the fiance is telling a deliberate lie to cause trouble. Why would he?

ocelot7 · 07/12/2014 11:32

If a woman found her fiance hugging etc ...would you condone her punching the woman with him?
I am shocked by the inference from many posts that violence is somehow understandable(!) in these circs.
Maybe the fiance replied from her fb to stop her telling the OP what he did to her when she got in?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 11:34

I understand why the fiance punched him. I didn't say it was acceptable. Something being understandable is not the same as it being acceptable.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2014 11:38

Yes they got off together, I would believe the fiancée who was sober and at home.

I'd want a full confession of the truth and I'd be expecting him if he's really as honest and devoted as you say, to be mortified.

I would be very saddened by this and yes, I would be worried it escalated into an affair unless he was genuinely contrite.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2014 11:41

It all sounds a bit of a tall tale to me I'm afraid. If it was me I wouldn't know exactly what went on but I wouldn't believe the story you were fed.

Fontella · 07/12/2014 11:43

I understand why the fiance punched him as well.

That's why I don't think it was an innocent hug and peck on the cheek as described by the OP's H.

The bloke ran downstairs and then stood and watched them. He also said they were so engrossed in each other that they never even noticed him approaching, and he clearly lost it and is clearly absolutely fuming.

I don't condone violence either but you can't begin to underestimate the shock the bloke must have felt to see his fiancee and another bloke his hands all over her arse and snogging each other's faces off, to the point they never even noticed his presence.

It was a gut reaction to thump the other bloke and right or wrong, it's what happened.

FoxSticks · 07/12/2014 11:53

It doesn't sound good. If it were my husband who had done this I think I'd be saying to him that with a hell of a lot of effort on his part we might be able to work through a drunken kiss but being untruthful would be a deal breaker and give him one last chance to come clean. The only downside to that though is if anything more had been going on with this woman would he then confess to it. Is there anyway you could speak to her?

Itsfab · 07/12/2014 12:07

Women are always told on here to look at their husband's phone if they suspect him of cheating yet when it is a man who thinks his fiancée is playing away it is controlling Hmm.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 12:14

Agreed Itsfab. We don't know if the fiance regularly looks through her messages or if it's a one-off because he caught her kissing another bloke. Women on MN are routinely encouraged to dig out a bit more information, so I see no issue with a male doing the same thing in the same general circumstances.

RedRoom · 07/12/2014 12:38

"ocelot7 Maybe the fiance replied from her fb to stop her telling the OP what he did to her when she got in?"

That is one hell of a 'maybe' to throw around. No evidence of this at all.

TinyWishes · 07/12/2014 12:39

I would be round there speaking to her and her fiancé.

Coffeeinapapercup · 07/12/2014 12:40

Why has no one suggested reporting this to the police?

Just because there is tge vafue suggestion of infidelity no one has mentioned it. Hmm

I'd hand it all over to the police to unwrap

magoria · 07/12/2014 12:43

It may have been a drunken one off mistake and not your H cheating however...

That he has felt the need to delete all contact from her and none from anyone else suggests that there had been a build up to this and a line has been crossed.

I believe the fiancee that your H was all over this woman personally and that it wasn't a brief hug/kiss on the cheek.

ocelot7 · 07/12/2014 12:44

To me no evidence that the fiance's violence was understandable either!!!
But then I think violence is inexcusable. And it definitely happened - the other stuff isn't yet clear. Sounds dodgy but I wouldn't automatically take the testimony of a violent person over anyone.

CheersMedea · 07/12/2014 12:51

Why has no one suggested reporting this to the police?

Because the person with the greatest incentive to report an assault is the victim. The victim has not done so. Well . .. I wonder why.

The fiancé has no motive to lie. The fact he assaulted your DH is not a motive to lie. It is evidence of what he saw and how infuriated he was. It makes his account more plausible.

Entirely separately:

At 2.30am he phoned me to let him in as he had lost his jacket and keys (not unusual when he is a bit drunk)

FFS. How old is he to be getting so drunk he loses his jacket and keys and that this is "not unusual"? And thinks it's OK to disturb you and the household at 2.30am?!? I couldn't be married to someone who was that immature, selfish, couldn't control his drinking and is behaving like a drunken teenager. It's just embarrassing.

Yambabe · 07/12/2014 12:56

If your DH was having an affair with this woman I would think the last place they would go to for a snog and a grope would be her doorstep. Hmm

It was bloody cold last night, him giving up his jacket to her is, to me, the act of a gentleman not necessarily a lover.

The fiance has much more to lose and much more need for a "backup" story here - he assaulted someone and may well be in line for a visit from the police. Of course he needs to justify what he did. Sorry but even catching your OH out in full hump mode never mind a doorstep snog (if that's what it was) wouldn't justify a violent response in my book.

As for pissing on the jacket - well the fiance is obviously a bit of a territorial thug where his lady is concerned. I hope she's OK.

ocelot7 · 07/12/2014 12:59

Agree Yambabe and indeed a very dumb thing to do if you were having an affair

Coffeeinapapercup · 07/12/2014 13:06

Precisely why the op should be suggesting it firmly to her dh

Fontella · 07/12/2014 13:13

If your DH was having an affair with this woman I would think the last place they would go to for a snog and a grope would be her doorstep.

Not if you're both pissed up at 2.30am in the morning, and she probably thinks the fiance is asleep. I doubt they were thinking too much about the woman's fiance or anyone else.

Don't get all the flack the fiance is getting while people are sticking up for the chivalrous thumped husband and the poor 'lady' he was snogging. You don't delete supposedly innocent and innocuous texts from one female friend, while leaving everything else on your phone if there is nothing to hide.

My sympathies lie with the OP and the fiance I'm afraid. In his shoes and seeing what he saw, I'd probably have done something similar - not a punch perhaps but a slap or a push, or something, I don't know, but I would have gone down there like a bat out of hell, and I would have done something - and whatever it was wouldn't have been polite.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2014 13:25

Cabrinha is bang on about the lost coat I'm afraid, OP. There's no getting around that. Lost is lost. It obviously wasn't lost, it was around the woman. That actually shows some planning, ie. as a lot of women do, she didn't dress warmly and needed a coat. Voila!

I think then that he planned to walk her home as soon as you left early.

I would not be happy with his explanation and I think the planning extended to risk assessing the various scenarios and making a conscious decision not to hit the fiancé back.

I'm very sorry; whatever the outcome, he has lied to you about the coat and there's no getting away from that.

ocelot7 · 07/12/2014 13:35

If he was so drunk could he not also have genuinely forgotten what happened to the coat (or even that he'd given it to her)? That would seem to be what has usually happened when things get l o st on nights out!
Also think we can't speculate any more till we get more info from the OP...

Original poster
Kittykate84 · 07/12/2014 13:50

Ok turns out that he sends her messages on Facebook rather than by text message as she never has credit so he was quite happy to show me and there were messages right up until the day it happened organising the night out so that is now a mute point. Having spoken to a couple of the fiancé's friends he is a complete jealous nutter and has accused other male friends of similar things in the past that have turned out to be untrue so I'm thinking that he is just trying to cause trouble and justify his aggression by pinning something on my poor idiot of a husband. I have decided to go with my gut and believe my husband as he promices that it was genuinely only a friendly hug and kiss goodbye (he does that to everyone and yes he really is that nice that he walks someone home at the end of the night and would give them his jacket!) and to be honest he is a really bad lier so he couldn't have pulled off the explanation he gave me this morning. He is going to take it as a wake up call that putting someone in a taxi after a night out is probably a better option! Thank you all for your help but we are gonna just get on with being happy!! Yay!!

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 07/12/2014 13:54

Kitty glad you've sorted it. Definitely a wake up call for him then, as he could easily have avoided the whole situation by making a few different decisions. Hope things go smoothly now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread