Chipping away... Chip, chip, chip

[CheeseEqualsHappiness]

I think I am about to break.

Nothing major, just a day of dp being unnecessarily critical and winding me up then saying I am too sensitive when I finally crack

He is not usually like this but today he has been horrible

I can't even put it into words, they.all sound daft and minuscule but over the course of a day I have had enough

I think he is passive aggressive, it fits and I cope sometimes and don't other times. When I need support or am feeling fragile I handle his big stroppy baby nature less well

Not sure what I want from this, just needed to write it down

Thanks!

You say he is not usually like this so does that mean that its just today that he has pushed you too far?

Him parents and sister are like it too... Worse than him in fact

Wow, so much to think about. I am thinking about this all wrong. Nothing to fix on my part. Eye opener

I am going to try stamping on it once and seeing what he does. But yes, you're right, I don't want to be the behaviour police.

Today I told him he is sitting in the back of the car and I am driving to the market. With sat nav and no input from him.

Not sure if this is right but I feel quite good about it. I didn't want to let him drive as I will feel like he has won

Stupid approach probably.

Thank you for your honesty everyone and keep it coming, I can't think clearly and really appreciate the support from you all

Sorry I have just read your other posts. Have you had a calm discussion with him about how unhappy you are with the day to day arguing about who is right. That you feel all this aggravation is eating away at your relationship.

Yes MrBuster - if I ask him to do something or make a suggestion I get 'fine, we always do everything you want anyway..' Door slam, strop off

It is quite a shift in mindset once you realise that they know the effect they are having on you, they just don't care.

For years I thought that if I just explained things better, my H would understand my point of view. Nope. No amount of talking and explaining was going to help, because fundamentally he wasn't interested in understanding my point of view. He was interested in meeting his own needs whatever the cost to me.

You can't "fix" him. But you can take back some control and redress the imbalance in your relationship by changing the way you respond to him . I agree with Alice's comment about not wanting to become the behaviour police, but I think initially you need to set some boundaries and see if he responds by changing. If yes, great. If no, then you can think about whether you want to continue policing his behaviour indefinitely.

Yes, I have spoken to him and it improves for a bit then goes back to normal. It is also power games over housework and money which are largely now resolved as I really got angry about it.

Sorry, X-posted.

If he storms off slamming doors like a stroppy toddler, let him. You could even say "It's a pity you're choosing to behave like this", or "It's a pity you've decided not to discuss this like adults". Definitely do not reward the behaviour by trying to placate him, e.g. "OK, we'll do what you want to do then".

I like the idea of backing off and watching then stamping on it once I have got it clearer in my mind.

Part of me thinks as he was raised this way what else does he know?

I like the idea of backing off and watching then stamping on it once I have got it clearer in my mind.

Part of me thinks as he was raised this way what else does he know?

I like those phrases MrBuster

I am shocked at how black and white some think it is and I suspect you are right. This is emotional abuse and I need to recognise that. Maybe it's not as grey as I would like to believe.

Off to the market now... If you see a stressed looking woman in St Albans with a man child following behind, do give me a wave!

Yes, maybe he was raised this way (my H definitely learned this sort of thing from MIL), but he's got a brain. If you saw that your behaviour was upsetting someone you cared about, what would you do? Would you stop doing whatever it was, apologise, make an effort not to do it again? Or would you effectively tell the other person it was their fault they were upset, and keep on doing it?

I think the problem with men like this is not so much that their upbringing taught them to behave like this, it is that their upbringing left them emotionally immature, unable to develop normal empathetic emotional responses to others because their development is stuck at some self-absorbed childhood stage.

Cheese it's much easier to see it in black and white when it's not happening to you - I am far less decisive about my own situation.

You're right, I wouldn't carry on if I saw something upsetting him. God what an awful realisation that he knows yet chooses not to act

This isn't helped by the fact that mil bails him out financially every time he makes a mess so a lack of responsibility and self absorption is a running theme

Ah.... A man size spoilt brat with a penchant for emotional bullying. Every woman's dream.....

I feel so confident and sure of myself when I am not with him.
I have some days at home while he and dd are at pre school and work so I recharge then.

If I quote that back to you, you can see it's not right.
Your partner should be there to make you feel happier about life, and to help you recharge. Otherwise,why have a partner?

Here's hoping you have a better journey today.

I don't want him to leave, I just need to confront him about it and chip away at his behaviour right back at him.

No, you don't need to chip away back at him. You need to tell him either he starts treating you like an equal partner or to get the fuck out of your life.

Thanks everyone - I did exactly that today. Turns out when I confront him about it he jumps out of the car at traffic lights and stomps off down the road, 20 miles from home.

He got back in the car a mile later and when home I said he needs to think very carefully about the way he is speaking to me. He responded with 'you overreact' and I reiterated that the problem wasn't me, it was his behaviour, I know he is trying to wear me down and I'm not having it any more

He made me cry when I was driving by shouting stupid directions at me. I asked which way to go, he said left, I asked 'what, onto the M1?' And he continued to just shout 'left, left, left' at me. I asked again 'onto the motorway?' And he continues to shout left left left. He knows I am unfamiliar with these big roundabouts and also quake when shouted at whilst driving (he did this to me while I was learning and I stopped letting him take me out)

Horrible spoilt brat of a man. Can't stand him at the moment

You are probably unsure at roundabouts because he shouts at you.

Yes, that's what I said, he keeps on at me like he wants me to crash

How was he able to get back into the car a mile down the road?

Next time he decides to throw his toys out of the pram like this I'd leave him to make his own way home. If he complains, tell him it was his choice to get out of the car.

Clearly what he wants is to have the power trip of upsetting you any time he likes, without any comeback from you.