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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bereaved and dumped. How can I get through this?

33 replies

elsabelle · 06/12/2014 15:10

I always read the fab threads on here but have never posted before. I'm hoping for some advice / words of wisdom from others who've gone through hard times.

A few months ago, my mum passed away totally out of the blue. We hadn’t spoken for the previous eight months because she didn't approve of my choice of partner (she could clearly see what i couldnt!)

A week after the funeral, I discovered that my partner, who I lived with and had recently got engaged to, was having an affair with a work colleague (we all work in the same place). I wanted to work things out but partner didnt and we split up. I now find myself alone (no DCs) living in my dead mother’s house.

I am racked with guilt over the loss of contact with her and overwhelmed with grief at these two huge losses in my life. I'm an only child, my dad died 10 years ago and I feel so alone. I cant stop crying, have lost a ton of weight, am addicted to smoking and everything just seems pointless. And I also now have to face my ex and OW and their new relationship at work. Advice please Mumsnetters..

OP posts:
minmooch · 06/12/2014 15:15

No advice but wanted to let you know you had been heard. Life can be very shitty but we have to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. This phase will pass and you will find joy in your life again. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

Bonsoir · 06/12/2014 15:19

How old are you, Elsabelle?

Original poster
elsabelle · 06/12/2014 15:20

Thanks Minmooch, I do hope so although its really hard to see it at the moment.

Bonsoir - I'm early thirties and thought ExP was the one - we had baby plans etc.

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers · 06/12/2014 15:31

Hi elsabelle,

I just wanted to say that I am a mum and I am absolutely sure that your mum would not want you to feel gullty. Her love for you was wider,deeper and bigger than 8 months of not speaking. Let go of that. If you were my daughter I would just be sad that I could not support you through this awful time. I would not be cross that we had not spoken.

On the other hand you have been treated appallingly by your ex, and you are not alone on that one, so you should take comfort from the fact that these feeling will pass. So maybe it's time to get practical...

Are you looking after yourself? If you don't feel like eating, get a multivitamin, drink smoothies, eat veg soup, drink lots of water. Try to have a walk every day. Have a good clear out of your house. If I were you I would get a new job. Who wants to see that loser ex every day. Would you need some training to get a new job? Could you ask your boss for some funding? Lastly, could you have some fun? Can you book a fab holiday for next Easter or summer. I am aware I have made a lot of suggestions. Maybe just do one or two. I don't want to overwhelmm you. Lastly if you are really finding it hard to move in seek out a councellor. You will get over this guy and you will look back at this period as a dark period, but after every night the sun comes out and it will for you again soon. Lots of love xxx

Bonsoir · 06/12/2014 15:35

It's obviously a very difficult time for you but all is not lost! It sounds as if you have had a lucky escape from exP and clearly your mother believed you deserved much better. Try to keep the thought of your mother's love for you, and belief in you, uppermost and look for the kind of man and life that would make you truly happy.

OhDearMuriel · 06/12/2014 15:38

That's the awful thing about death, it's so final. But I do know that any mother worth her salt would be so so sad to have their child feeling so down and guilty as you do.

Time will heal, it just takes time I afraid.
As for your partner, in time you will see him for what he was really made of.
All the best to you, things really will get better xx.

PaisleySheets · 06/12/2014 15:44

Hi Elsabelle. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm a Mum also, and trust me when I say that your Mum would have known you loved her, and she'd not want you to feel any guilt.

I've been through that experience of feeling like you are all alone and have lost everything, as well as being betrayed by someone who was supposed to love you.

It's so hard to go through it. The only way from here is up, and you can and will find the strength to get through each day. As time passes by you will pass through each stage of grief and bit by bit the sun will start to shine again.

Bonsoir · 06/12/2014 15:45

I agree with sunshine that you should plan a holiday (a fun one, with lots of sun/sand and people your age so outside term time) and make an effort to take really good care of yourself in the run-up.

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:51

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:54

Ok first of all, your mum loved you and if she could would tell you now that you are well shot of the bastard. Thank god you've got the security of her home and are not looking for somewhere to live after he behaved like a prick.

Secondly, start each day with some exercise so that you go into work on a high. You've lost weight, which is usually a good thing, but make sure what you do eat is good for you. Look up the times your local swimming pool opens and see whether you could go before or after work. Do the same with a gym - you'd be amazed at how good you'd feel.

Lastly, quit the smoking. It's so bad for you and it ages you, too. Take up the e-cigs or cover yourself in patches, but do it now.

Do you have somewhere to go to for Christmas?

ImperialBlether · 06/12/2014 15:55

Oh Christ, don't know what happened there!

CogitOIOIO · 06/12/2014 15:58

I'm so sorry for your loss and also that your partner turned out to be so rotten. If your DM was still around now, would she be trying to make you feel bad with 'I told you so' or do you think she would be relieved that you were finally shot of him, put the kettle on and say 'no hard feelings'?

I think you should probably talk to your GP and see if they can direct you to some bereavement counselling. Betrayal is bad enough but guilt is a terribly destructive emotion and you are probably going to need help to work through all the 'what ifs'.

CheersMedea · 06/12/2014 16:00

Gosh. Hugs to you.

I would second the "get a new job" advice for lots of reasons.

Getting away from this man will make you feel better.

A new job will be like a fresh start - make you feel better.

Meeting new people at your new job, a new routine will distract you momentarily a bit every day as you heal. Make you feel better.

Change is good generally and particularly when you are at a low crisis point. It gives you hope.

TheHoneyBadger · 06/12/2014 16:00

i agree with getting away. if you have the means and the leave take a few weeks off work and head somewhere very, very chilled out and warm (you can join me if you like - i'm off for a few weeks to an old haunt for some sunshine and recharge after a tough year or so). go somewhere with beauty and different culture and where you'll feel persective and context from being so apart from your usual life.

not much else of use to add without going trite i'm afraid. i'm a big believer in plane tickets - no, not a magic wand but there are no magic wands in life and sunshine, a change of scene, the space to breath, float in the sea, wallow in your own company in nature provides a great context for processing stuff imo and working out what's next.

i'm really sorry for your loss x

Original poster
elsabelle · 06/12/2014 16:02

Oh thanks everyone, in tears reading your kind responses. Thanks for the reassurance that my Mum wouldnt want me to feel this way and that she loved me. I know she did, just so heartbroken that it ended on a bad note, and all for nothing as exP betrayed me and then left. Wish i'd listened to my mum in the first place and never got involved.

Sunshine - great suggestions, thank you. Getting food down is an issue but will try soup and smoothies. I've been having some counselling which is definitely helping, i don't feel so guilty about sobbing hysterically all the time as at least she is getting paid to put up with me! ;) I def want to get a new job, just feel that my confidence is at an all time low and not sure how well i'd do in interviews at the moment.

ImperialB - i am planning a "non-Xmas" with my stepdad - curry, a walk and some dvds.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 06/12/2014 16:11

You weren't to know that he was a rat and you weren't to know that your DM would go when she did. It's always easy, looking back, to berate yourself for not having done things differently. My DM warned me my ex was a bastard but I didn't listen either. I'm sure hundreds of mothers have been ignored by hundreds of DDs the same way. In your case the twist is extraordinarily bad luck and bad timing all round. It must be dreadful but it's really not your fault.

I'm glad you have a counsellor and that your step Dad is being supportive.

Reese123 · 06/12/2014 16:14

Hi, I've been through the whole work thing like you. I stayed in my job and it was soul destroying having to see my ex and his new woman on a daily basis. They went on to get married and subsequently divorced.

On reflection, I stayed in my job because I had a good support network - but I would have gotten over it much faster if I had moved companies.

There are very few people who would understand the pain you are going through on a daily basis having to endure this at work - if you would like to please feel free to PM me.

But I would say definitely find another job - the interview will prob only be an hour, it honestly won't be as bad as you think.

Original poster
elsabelle · 06/12/2014 16:46

ImperialB - yes am going to ask my GP for help to stop smoking as its making me feel ill and i hate it yet seem to be clinging to it as an emotional crunch, sadly having a fag often feels like the highlight of the day.

CogitOIOIOI - thanks for your posts. I think my Mum would have just been relieved we werent together anymore and welcomed me back with open arms. I'll try to hold on to that thought. The whole break up has come as a huge shock to me as i thought we were blissfully happy (I was anyway). But exP did have past form as a bit of player which is why my Mum was so concerned.

Reese - yes its agony, and feel its delaying any healing, i keep breaking down at work and have already been signed off sick a couple of times. I do have some good friends there which is another reason why im a bit reluctant to leave but on other hand, quite apart from exP & OW, i feel hurt and let down by other colleagues who i thought were friends but have actually proved not to be and been very unsupportive.

OP posts:
merlehaggard · 06/12/2014 17:10

When my sister was in her mid 20's, my mum (who we were both very close to) was diagnosed with cancer. It was a really terrible time and we were all completely besides ourselves with worry, whilst waiting to find out the extent of it. My dad was also in a terrible state as had been married to my mum for 40 years and absolutely doted on her. My sister had two boys, aged 3 and 18 months and thought she was happily married, although was already having a hard time with post natal depression which had only recently been diagnosed. She was struggling to balance work and home life (having a well paid job with quite a lot of expectations on her) and was at that time trying to decide whether to take voluntary redundancy. Anyway, her husband said that she should take voluntary redundancy and she had done this just days before my mum became ill. The very week after my mum's diagnosis, her husband told her that he was having an affair which had even only going on about 6 weeks and that he was leaving her! Very soon after, my mum's diagnosis became terminal and died 18 months later she died. I can't even begin to explain what a horrible few years followed-particularly for her.

I know this is very long winded, but there is a similarity. She started out by seeing a counsellor and took it from there. She focused on getting another good job and her kids and 18 years later, she has a new partner and is very happy. I would find someone to talk, take it a step at a time and you will be happy again. I can imagine how horrible it is for you now and hope things improve for you soon.