Bereaved and dumped. How can I get through this?

[elsabelle]

I always read the fab threads on here but have never posted before. I'm hoping for some advice / words of wisdom from others who've gone through hard times.

A few months ago, my mum passed away totally out of the blue. We hadn’t spoken for the previous eight months because she didn't approve of my choice of partner (she could clearly see what i couldnt!)

A week after the funeral, I discovered that my partner, who I lived with and had recently got engaged to, was having an affair with a work colleague (we all work in the same place). I wanted to work things out but partner didnt and we split up. I now find myself alone (no DCs) living in my dead mother’s house.

I am racked with guilt over the loss of contact with her and overwhelmed with grief at these two huge losses in my life. I'm an only child, my dad died 10 years ago and I feel so alone. I cant stop crying, have lost a ton of weight, am addicted to smoking and everything just seems pointless. And I also now have to face my ex and OW and their new relationship at work. Advice please Mumsnetters..

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Believe me when I say although you and your mum weren't speaking, she will have known how much you love her. I lost my brother a few years ago, he and my dad weren't speaking at the time and my dad has never forgiven himself. He is focusing on the few months that they had fallen out rather than the 19 years of happy memories they had. Please don't do the same, I'm sure it isn't what your mum would want.

Be kind to yourself, and ask for help if you need it x

Oh Christ, don't know what happened there!
Divine intervention because the OP needed to hear it repeatedly?

Bless you, I would def be looking for another job, I think you need a new start. Your mum def wouldn't want you to feel guilty, she would want the best for you. I hope you have some nice plans for Christmas

So sorry for your loss. You say you didn't listen to your Mum, but you are doing now. I agree with others and focus on the time you did speak. I had many times where I didn't speak to my parents, doesn't seem to matter now. Your Mum knew how you loved her and she also would only wish you happiness and joy - she would be upset if she thought you were unhappy or felt any guilt. Honour your Mum and be happy - find a life you love and live it. The one thing she would wish for you would be joy and peace.

merlehaggard - what a very difficult time for your sister. Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope that I'll get through it and be happy and ultimately meet someone else. Seems so hard to see it right now but i bet your sister felt like that too and she has done so well.

Raisingmen - I'm sorry your dad feels so sad and guilty. I feel that way too but hopefully in time I'll be able to focus more on the good memories and happy times and hopefully your dad will too.

The break up is killing me too. I just feel total shock that exP would leave me at the time when i most needed love and support. I would never ever have done that to anyone. I want to get angry and feel that im better off without exP but so far I just cant. Take all my willpower not to call every day crying and begging (only thing stopping me is that ive already done it and it didnt do any good at all). Dont think exP even cares as hasnt once checked in to see how i am coping.

God that's hard. I'm sorry for your loss too. I think with parents, there is unconditional love, and I agree with the other posters that your mum wouldn't hold anything against you. For someone to leave you after such a traumatic time really shows that they are not the person you need and you can find the strength in the people who want to be around you. Of which, I am sure there are many.

No you wouldn't have done that to someone, you're clearly a better person than him, but I promise he has done you a favour. In time, when you're happy and settled with someone else, you'll be glad this happened.

Have you got a lot of RL support?

Hugs to you, Elsabelle - you deserve so much better than your ex dp: I'm shocked at his callousness. I'm sure your mum would be happy to think of you and your stepdad spending Christmas together, supporting each other. Just a thought - as you've lost some weight, maybe promise yourself a couple of new outfits and all new underwear - stuff your ex hasn't seen (and won't!) - try a personal shopper from one of the big dept stores. Arrange a makeover with Bobbi brown, Estée Lauder, Lancôme or similar, and buy a different colour lipstick or something. Book a change of hairstyle or colour. Nothing says 'I'm moving on without you' more, and would do wonders for your confidence, and for job interviews too! A whole new world of opportunities is out there for you I promise. Imagine how proud your mum would be to see you out there, making a new life for yourself!