Long term partner won't commit, tempted by another man?

[d0ttyparker]

I am in my mid 30's and have been in a relationship with the same man for about 16 years. I do love him, we get on well and our sex life is good. He has been with me through my depression and stayed with me when I was very fat for a few years although he wasn't always nice about it. It is a fairly normal, good relationship with the usual ups and down but then I should tell you that after 16 years together we have never lived together. He lives with family and I live in a tiny studio flat. He does always talk about us buying a house and moving in together but while he sometimes looks at houses online he never wants to go and look at any, there is always a problem with them. He has a lot of money in savings so a deposit isn't the problem. Also I've tried to talk a few times to him about marriage and sometimes he humours me and says yes soon, sometime, next year, in a couple of years whatever then other times he gets annoyed that I am puting pressure on him. Its the same with children, I just get the feeling that he feels he can put it off for years yet but I'm getting older every year. I am ok not having any but if he were to leave me down the line because I was too old to have kids I'd be furious.

Written down like that it looks bad but he says that we will never break up with me and that he still wants to be with me when we are old etc etc. He is a very slow moving person it takes him forever to do anything even things he really wants to do so I don't automatically take his lack of action as an indication of his feelings for me but there has to be a limit somewhere.

I can feel myself getting pretty uneasy these days about my future, I have friends who say I need to force his hand but its not in my nature and if I were going to do that I should have done it years ago. I kind of feel now that if I get all "if you like it you better put a ring on it and buy a sodding house" he will show me the door, after all he is man in his prime with a good job and I am now and "older woman". I feel I don't have much to bargin with in such negotiations.

Its come to a head for me because I have met a man I really like and who seems to like me too although nothing has been said or done, when we do see each other socially in passing, the sparks fly big time. I never really noticed him looks wise but its him, his charater and personality that really do it for me he is just so sweet, intelliegent, kind and funny as well as really hardworking he has his own business and house! Unlike my partner he doesn't have a degree or anything after high school but he reads a lot, is interested and curious, he has opinions and we can talk. Thats a big difference to my current partner who never has much of an opinion about anything, I used to think it was deep but I realise now he doesn't think much about anything beyond football and whats on TV. Sometimes I feel large parts of who I truly am are totally lost on him, while this other guy really sees that part of me.

I guess I have a crush and am spending a lot of time day dreaming about this other man even at times I think, I should leave my boyfriend because I am "fated" to be with this other man and about how perfect he is for me (which is silly as I hardly know him). But I have no idea if this other man sees me that way at all, I feel bad that these fantasies are affecting how I feel about my long term partner, maybe I just want the validation of being noticed again. I realise that I often think about other men and imagine being with them and I don't know why. maybe because I am still on my own a lot during the week when I don't see my partner. Maybe if we did get married and lived together I would be able to stop doing this.

I am just on edge because this other man seems like a real prospect and I could let him slip away and find myself still waiting for marriage and home in another 5 or 10 years. I could be wasting my life on a man who will never commit to me or worse who might leave me.

What should I do here?

Your current partner is never going to commit to you - never. He may dangle the carrot that it may happen one day, but trust me - it never will happen. If he wanted to be with you he would. He has led you a merry dance for 16 years, plus he has ruined your self esteem. He criticises your weight and goodness knows what else. He keeps you behaving yourself under his thumb in the hope that one day you may reach the dizzy heights of living together or maybe even have a child. Blimey - what a number he has done on you.

Ditch him, be single, do the Freedom Programme and access some counselling for yourself. And maybe you can have a relationship with the other bloke, or maybe you know you may find being single is pretty good too.

But bloody hell, do not waste one more minute on this utter waster of a man. 16 years of put downs and rejection - you gonna waste another 16 years begging him to want you??

Even without this other man on the horizon - that relationship sounds like a complete waste of your potential.

Ditch him and start having some bloody fun whilst you still can.

Hello d0tty here is a male view (apologies if it is overly analytical)

Firstly stop trying to solve your problem like a rubic cube (move one man in, as you move one man out). Your problem is with your current relationship, deal with that.

Second - one mantra I have always used with my children (now adults) is borrowed from a great book I read to them as kids (who moved my cheese, it only take an hour to read, I would recommend it) the mantra is "in life always make the decision you would make, if you were not afraid". In other words don't let fear rule your actions. Therefore you need to decide if you should end your current relationship.

Once you have done that, a whole host of options may appear (including this potential new chap or others).

IMHO linking this new chap to ending your current relationship is a mistake.

At 34 you are by no means old, though I know it feels that way. He will never commit (and sounds draining) so you should leave him now - give yourself a chance of all those things you want!

Ditch, ditch ditch! Stop wasting your life with an emotionally manipulative man-child and LIVE while you are still young!

Hello

Suggest write him a Christmas card saying the best xmas present for both of us is to set ourselves free ! Say you are starting your new life, you want different things, nobody else involved

Spend the money you would have spent on your parner on a new haircut or clothes to make yourself feel brand new

Cut all contact with partner

GO FOR IT

YOU DESERVE MORE, GO GET IT GIRL

PS: People ile people, because they like them. not because they are fat, thin etc it is about the whole person as a package/individual

Let us know how you get on (no dithering, just do it)

Goodluck

I kind of feel now that if I get all "if you like it you better put a ring on it and buy a sodding house" he will show me the door, after all he is man in his prime with a good job and I am now and "older woman". I feel I don't have much to bargin with in such negotiations.

You need to break up with him. He won't marry you. He won't buy a house with you. He won't have children with you. 16 years is ONE HELL OF A TIME!!! Put it in perspective - it's the time it takes for a child to grown into an adult legally able to have sex.

I agree with everyone who says he's done a number on your self esteem. And do you know what? Being single and happy (because you can do what you please and surround yourself with friends who like you) is a darn sight more fulfilling than hanging around waiting for a man who doesn't sound like he likes you very much.

If you feel like you don't have much to bargain with (as you say above - I don't agree with this btw but if it's how you feel) then the longer you leave it, the less you will have. If you want children, you are still of child bearing age; that won't be the case in another 16 years!

Bite the bullet and get out now. Change is scary but it is also empowering.

I agree. GET OUT NOW! I can't tell you how wonderful you'll feel once you've done this.

Also - your boyfriend lives with his family? Seriously? He's mid 30s or older and he lives with his parents? That is such a massive turn off.

You're having an EA already. Tell your man so that you can both be set free.

Sorry but to be brutal but your hope of a family is seriously diminishing as your fertility reduces from 28.
I have witnessed several of my friends children and now one of my own struggling to conceive. It is heartbreaking.
You have literally no time to lose!

This man has had 16 years to make his mind up. Don't you think that is long enough?

I know the right thing to do ( and you will get told by MN) is to finish this relationship first. However we are human and as you have so much time on your hands( through what sounds neglect really) I would at least sound the other bloke out first. In terms of his thoughts about marriage, children etc.
The best of luck x

What's with all the "prospects" crap? Did I just wake up in 1914?

Why is a man in his mid 30s in his prime and a woman past her best?

I just get better with age. How can you not? You're everything you were, and then some!

Perhaps if you could feel more positively about yourself, you'd be less likely to stick around with a man who doesn't want what you want.

Move on!!!

I'm not surprised you put on weight if you've a partner who trains you like you're a dog. Eg not talking to you for weeeeeeks when you did something he didn't like.

You are like a dog to him - compliant, adoring, do-what-he-says. He's struck lucky because a dog wouldn't (hopefully) service his sexual needs. You're generally 'easy on his mind' because he gets what he wants and leaves the rest.

Darling, what's going on? Get out for goodness sake. He sounds absolutely HORRIBLE.

What's with the 'prospects' stuff? What on earth are you talking about? Relationships aren't business deals, they are deep friendships between like-minded people who like and love one another for who they each are, not for their 'prospects'.

Good grief woman, you are wasting your life. Sixteen years with a man who doesn't want to live with you and has very little to say to you.

Please don't stay with him just because you have 'invested' so many years. You have many, many years to enjoy being young, having fun, laughing and living. Don't waste them, he will never want what you want.

I do hope OP you have the strength and courage to leave this relationship. I'll give you a senatio that it might be helpful to think about. I have been married for 8 years, with my DH for 13. I have 3 children and my marriage is fine although it has it's ups and downs like everyone. I know a lady much younger than me who has been with her partner for the same time me and my DH have been together. Yet her partner will not marry her- not even let her have a pet!I know absolutely for a fact that he has cheated on her a number of times ( she is unaware of this to my knowledge )and much prefers a certain lady friend of his who has a lot in common with him but she is married. He stays with this 30 ish lady because of financial considerations and it's easy , no hassle. But he doesn't love her, not truly and what he really wants is this other woman or a woman very like her. But the married woman knows that although she cares very much for him, she is married and committed to that 100 percent. He's bored and biding his time, stringing this poor girl along. Her life is for rent. I don't know how the story will end but I can't see any true happiness there no matter how hard I try. Don't let your life be for rent. Leave, please and start again , maybe with this new man. It's happened for a reason and never too late to try. Go for it! Good luck :)

OP, I get it. At this point he is the basis of your past, present and future. You are probably the best of friends and a decent sex life to boot - I'm sure you rationalise it as an awful lot to lose. But really, is it? what will it amount to in 5, 10, 15 years?

I spent ten years with a guy whose answer to everything was "of course darling, just not for another year or two" before it came to a head and he admitted he actually meant "no way, ever" but that's a harder conversation to have. Commitment is really a demonstration of respect, and all these barriers are, I think you know yourself, just excuses.

So I agree that you must GET OUT NOW!! I did, and it was scary, (mainly moving out which you won't have to face - silver lining?) but the best thing I ever did! You are still young and regardless of the baby thing there is so much fun to be had! (And happiness! I am now married to the most wonderful, sexy, loving man).

I think this other man is a wake up call. I say go for it. Don't hang all your hopes on it, but you deserve to enjoy a little love!

OP I could have written this post 7/8 years ago! I was with a guy who was perfect on paper but he just didn't want to commit to anything but said otherwise. Over time I began to have feeling for his best friend (). He made me realise that my ex wasn't right for me and we didn't have the same dreams/outlook on life. It took me about a year to pluck up the guts to leave. I won't lie, it was tough and I had to let go of the years if emotion/effort Id put into my old relationship but fast forward now and I'm sat in my lovely house, with my lovely hubby and 1 yo DS. Listen to your heart and be brave x

did you end up with his best friend Trees

My friend came to visit last night, hadn't seen her for ages. She is vibrant, lovely person, she was with her BF for 10 years and has recently split up with him as behind closed doors he was bullying and a drain with no positive redeeming features.

She is late 40s - if she hadn't been with him she could have met someone else and if she wanted to have DCs by now.

What have you got to lose by splitting up with this loser? From the sounds of it he's not exactly going to be rushing out to get a replacement, so even if you feel you've made a mistake in a couple of months time then I'm sure he'll still be hanging around and will probably have promised marriage, kids and all the other things that he wasn't willing to discuss when you were a couple.

Please please don't give him an ultimatum OP. He might give in, and then you'd be stuck living the rest of your life like that.

Good grief OP he has done a number on you hasn't he? He has made you feel fat, unattractive and trapped in a crap relationship that is going nowhere slowly.

I don't think you should rush straight into another relationship but if you want to be married and have kids, you are going to have to dump him and move on.

New Year New You?

I was in a similar boat to you a few years ago, I got the courage to leave from lovely mn women and friends I made in an overeaters anonymous group I joined.
It was the hardest thing ever ripping the comfort of overeating and my partner away but I discovered underneath what I was left with was a young woman with the world at my feet. It was painful splitting up I hated hurting him but it made way for me to meet someone with whom I REALLY fancy, who asked me to marry him after 18 months and who wants to have children with me when I finish mu uni course.
Life happens NOW jump ship you'll feel more alive than you ever have.
If you want higher self esteem then do something for yourself to show yourself you deserve better. I wish you luck and bravery x

This is bad situation for you. You want a home and kids and your partner doesn't. I suspect the other man is an escape fantasy- part of you trying to give yourself the message that there is a better way, that things do not have to be as they are with your current partner. Whether or not this other man is interested or not is pretty immaterial- the fact that you are daydreaming about it tells you something very important though, and you should listen to yourself.

1. Split up with current partner. Tell him he has had 16 years to build a proper life with you and you can no longer ignore the fact that he hasn't.
2. Spend a bit of time single, anything from a few weeks to a year, but get comfortable with yourself.
3. Continue to see the other guy socially. Make it clear that you are single. See if your relationship develops. But do not spend a long time mooning over him- if you want children and you are in your mid-thirties you do need to be focussed on that.

If the prospect of leaving is scary, you have to imagine two scenarios. Fast forward five years and think of life being the same, and what it would be like if you made that terrifying, brave leap and made a fresh start. Even if it hadn't worked out being 100% perfect, can you imagine how fantastic you'd feel about yourself? How strong and brave? The world would be your oyster.

I have chronic health problems and was overweight. I still left a partner who wasn't right for me and two years on life is so hugely improved. I took a huge risk, it feels great that I did. My new partner is amazing, I have a great social life and great friends. Do it, you live once.