Am I just unlucky to have 4 narcs intimately involved in my life?

[Somethingtodo]

Maybe its because I only discovered what narcs were yesterday - and I have been futily (?sp is that even a word?) trying to manage these people all my life - it has been exhausting.

But it has been such a relief to see the pattern defined rather than remain immersed in the amorphous, disorienating, demoralising, shit storms they create.

1. sister A - this one I have been NC with for 3 years (best decision ever) because her behaviour was so extreme. Relieved I instinctively made the right decision.

2. sister B - another other sister I have endured and tried to manage - but have now decided NC is the only way.

3. My MIL who has been a vicious cow to me for 30 years since we first met when I was 17. She has been "nicer" to me in the last few years - with thro me the odd bunch of petrol station chrysants....as she needs me onside in her deteriorating old age (she is also an alcohlic)

4. A new boss at the place I worked for 23 years who overwork and bullied me to the extent that I end up resigning with severe menatl and physical health issues.

But as of today they are gone. I am just left managing the fall out - my own self esteem and the weak PA excuse for a df/dh that is my husband.

Maybe I am the common denominator ? Are they attracted to me? Or am I just unlucky to have been wrestling this lot for so long?

Innocence - your SIL is married to a narc -- her life behind closed doors will be hell....but dont get involved - she is a flying monkey

What's a flying monkey?

ridiculous stories about how she was ostracized, victimized etc and we were all jealous of her as she "was the most like our Mum" who had just tragically died suddenly at 62..

Something - a bit of objective analysis here from someone on the other side. When someone dies suddenly, a parent, also with your family history of early parental death, being made NC by a sibling can be as bad as being bereaved again.

Exactly this happened to me. New relationships were forged between less close family members who then ostracised me to cover their actual poor behaviour (eg excluding me from important death related proceedings that I had more right to a say in than they did).

All kinds of shit happens when there is a close and a sudden death so you do need to be really forgiving, people do and say stupid things, other people come on the scene, you might be too open or too closed with them, your feelings are not straight - I consider bereavement to a temporary madness and reasonable decision making is very hard, especially when new people come into the decision making process.

Fact is you lied to your friends to cover up what your sister said, hoping that going NC with sis would ensure the lie wouldn't get back to them, am I right? This is what's probably lost you your closest friend, not your sister's disclosure. Not blaming you for this, it sounds like it was a mess with confidences breached etc and you wanted to do what was the right thing at that time for everyone. But the pain of being excluded when you are still grieving is immense and is akin to being bereaved all over again. I'm not saying you pander to your sister but start from a point of understanding that perhaps she's not as narc as you think she is, but desperate to get her family back.

It might be that she isn't narc at all - that's why she keeps pursuing you. A true narc would write you off as 'unusable' or 'no longer fit for purpose'. I am of course projecting here because exactly this happened to me and ironically the true narc is the one who made me NC and engaged the rest of the family and turned them against me. I have been forced to play the long game, ie wait until time passes and the truth reveals which I know it will. DB is finally warming towards me again after a period of out of character tragic and shocking coldness. Meantime I keep my distance for fear of being branded 'controlling' or some such other narc trait.

Sorry to ramble on about my own situation but I think bereavement is a time when terrible things can happen but it is temporary and needs patching up sometimes.

Of course it will get to your DS what happened to his auntie, the truth always comes out and it will be confusing. I have had to back right off for fear of messing with the little one's heads even though I know I did nothing wrong. I have even told them as much, that I will see more of them when they are older etc because my involvement in his life right now is difficult (but always there if you need me kind of thing) - no doubt that action in itself was read by the narc as some kind of manipulative thing to say - whatever I do or don't do is read like that because it's convenient.

What someone else wrote upthread about allowing them to deceive us is interesting, will pick up on that later.

Anyway this is a really interesting discussion I don't mean to sidetrack everyone.

This is where the narc manipulates other people to do their harrasment, get info etc...expect it to escalate when you go NC...

narcissistschild.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/the-flying-monkeys-in-your-life.html

Something I have just lost a mega post to you about your story but the summary is this

ridiculous stories about how she was ostracized, victimized etc and we were all jealous of her as she "was the most like our Mum" who had just tragically died suddenly at 62..

A bereavement especially under your partular family circumstances is a dangerous time. Everyone says and does stupid things and you need to get through that without creating lasting rifts. Being excluded by family at this time is akin to another bereavement. Your sister may not be narc, just desperate not to lose you. You lost your friend because you lied to her so be honest about that - you shouldn't have covered for your sister really and she would then have had to deal with the consequences of the exposure, or you could have simply insisted to friends that it went no further. Family secrets are generally better out in the open so we can move forward anyway.

I speak as someone who has been ostracised and excluded at bereavement time and it has been heartbreaking. It only started when a family outsider got her teeth in. I realise now she is the narc and turning everyone against me. I have lost everyone because people prefer to believe the person who is perceived as 'victim' when she is actually the aggressor. Not saying you are of course but that's how it happened with me. I think ballerina's post about us allowing narcs to thrive is interesting and something I will pick up on again.

Sorry my post now will seem very abrupt but re-writing it properly would be like going back over a therapy session.

Oh it looks as though I didn't lose that post after all.

I'm afraid when you're dealing with someone like this, you don't get to make the judgment call of 'it's inappropriate to discuss' with people. You just don't.

You may WANT to, and you SHOULD be able to, but unless you want to give the power over to your sister you had better outline the truth of what happened to your DC pronto. Because while you're standing there all virtuous and silent, they are being fed a whole lot of garbage by people around them. Who are they going to believe? The person refusing to say anything or the person filling their heads with nonsense?

They do attempt to deceive us , but overall we deceive ourselves. I don't think some of the reading material about them is helpfull , often they are described as something powerfull , menacing and potentially not of human form. While some of them are dangerous , I think the majority of them are like stupid children. They test , and if they can , they will proceed.
-Ballerina

Now this I find particularly interesting as I am in a voluntary organisation with a couple of narcs, both with their own 'groups' (they could never work togther). Astounding how they have the whole thing sewn up with people doing their bidding like puppets on a string.

It is largely because the people involved are dependent (why else do you need charity) and are keen to have someone 'lead' or appear assertive and strong. What I have found with these people is that they get nothing done. They want the power but once it's theirs, once they have attended that important meeting, blown their trumpet on the blog/website they then go back to doing nothing for the charity or others, but find the next opportunity to blow their own trumpet. There are no beneficiaries but themselves.

Despite the hugely damaging consequences of their inaction in a position of power within a charity - by blocking action that doesn't come from themselves and thereby failing those dependent on the organisation - people still allow themselves to be deceived because they are just better at 'playing' people.

I think this happens in the workplace A LOT which goes to show it's not about the narc-enabler being somehow picked on, chosen to be the next victim, it's about the narc-enabler being part of a large team, picked by the narc to play out their performance.

More awareness of these people in the workplace would be very helpful.

Who are they going to believe? The person refusing to say anything or the person filling their heads with nonsense?

In my case I have to give it time. It will not benefit this child to be caught in a conflict so I'd rather be the wicked auntie until he's grown up and able to deal with both sides of the discussion.

However in OPs case DS already has a verson of both sides. Knowing that the truth will come out in the end it may as well come out now through her. Even if the truth is 'this, but it's a big secret and we can't tell anyone else'. Children will always side with their parents even if the truth hurts but you do need to be careful obviously to ensure they are capable of understanding the explanation and the consequences of disclosure.

Was it that she exposed DS's future inheritance? People without DCs often don't understand the significance of keeping these things quiet.

WillkommenBienvenue - I think that you are projecting, unfiltered, your own RL situation and hurt erroneously onto mine. Your tone is also combative - if you still have axes to grind perhaps you could do it with the RL people in your issue and not seek to demolish an innocent anonymous woman on an internet forum looking for support;

Couple of mistakes you have made:

"Fact is you lied to your friends to cover up what your sister said, hoping that going NC with sis would ensure the lie wouldn't get back to them, am I right?" No you are waaaay off beam. I did not lie to anyone. RTFT.

"It might be that she isn't narc at all - that's why she keeps pursuing you." You are confused. RTFT. She doesn't pursue me.

"Of course it will get to your DS what happened to his auntie, the truth always comes out and it will be confusing." What "truth" are you assuming? Sane adults protect children from inappropriate adult issues. That is what all of the other adults have chosen to do - except the toxic narc ds - both to my 2 year old and my teenager.

"Being excluded by family at this time is akin to another bereavement." She has never been excluded although she has chosen to exclude herself on various occasions. My NC was a ceasing of a one to one relationship after many years of hurt from her following our mothers death. We still do small talk at family events. I invite her and her family to mine if I am hosting a family event. She does not do the same. She excludes me and my family.

"You lost your friend because you lied to her so be honest about that - you shouldn't have covered for your sister really and she would then have had to deal with the consequences of the exposure, or you could have simply insisted to friends that it went no further." I did not lie to anyone - I am squeaky clean honest about that. As a family we decided to take the dignified stance not to fuel the flames of our deluded narc sister's ramblings. She was invited to air her concerns either one to one or as a group with the family who would were keen to resolve her issues. She chose not to do this - but spend her time telling an untrue story of victimisation and ostracision (standard narc behaviour) to anyone she could pin down.

"Family secrets are generally better out in the open so we can move forward anyway." When my child is an adult and has the capacity to absorb such info I may tell him the other version. However since the incident with him was 3 years ago he has shown zero interest in his auntie's whereabouts. She was always a PITA with the dn/dn - so no one is missing her.

"However in OPs case DS already has a verson of both sides". No you are wrong. RTFT.

"Was it that she exposed DS's future inheritance?" - What a bizarre and inappropriate Q. Do you have any personal boundaries or empathy? RTFT. Do you really think that I am going to share that with some random person on the internet?

Before I read any more of your 'RTFL' comments can you explain this (who is combative here?)

I had to somehow clear up this mess by saying to my friends - that is not the real story but I will also not be telling it to you either as it is inappropriate so you will have to trust me on that.

So did your sister tell your friends the truth or did she lie?

Something shouldn't have kept quiet to friend , because by doing so it protected the sisters reputation and kept her bad behaviour a secret. However , something didn't lie to the friend. The friend had no right at all to know what was going on within the family. It was private stuff.

The only positive in this is that you got to see friends true colours something.

Will, since something said "that is not the real story", it's clear she feels the story was a lie. Saying she's not getting involved in an exchange of stories isn't lying.

You've evidently been very hurt by developments in your family and I am sorry for that. You do seem to be appropriating OP's story for your own: this can't help anyone; neither you nor Something.

Okay I see it says RTFT not RTFL. Ironic.

Believe me I have RTFT and given a lot of my time and personal feelings and experience to you, on a plate, generously, not with any ulterior motive but to help you to possibly come to a better understanding. I even put my own story out there to in an attempt to show that I understand exactly what you're talking about.

Your comments are cutting and hurtful. My comments have tried to be inquiring and helpful, nothing else. The way you interpret them as combative is your own choice. You have clearly been damaged far more than you realise.

There is no space for me on this thread any more, I am absolutely gutted by this.

Thank-you Garlic and Bad for your clarity.

OK if this is due to a misunderstanding then this is the bit that I misunderstood

*.this is what happened....she homed in 4 close friends of mine and told them the most ridiculous stories about how she was ostracized, victimized etc and we were all jealous of her as she "was the most like our Mum" who had just tragically died suddenly at 62....she also went thru intensely private minutiae of our Mother's will with them.

I had to somehow clear up this mess by saying to my friends - that is not the real story but*

You said she exposed minutiae of your mother's Will - by this I assumed that she told a hidden truth - which you then tried to cover up by telling your friends she lied. ('this is not the case') sorry to put you on the spot OP but I think that's a fair interpretation of the words you used to describe what happened.

OK OP, I see that you just want people to sympathise with your situation and you don't want any questions asked but I just wanted to say that going NC with someone can be hugely damaging and dangerous especially after a bereavement. What I see in your sister is potentially someone who is feeling doubly bereaved due to losing her sister (you) and who is desperate to keep in contact. Potentially. I don't know, I don't know her, but I'm saying that given the circumstances of your family history, going NC with someone like this could tip them over the edge, I have seen it happen.

Note that I have not questioned any of the other narcs in your life, this one stands out and I'm giving my interpretation of her, that's all.

Oh dear - looks like I have just attracted a 5th -- in cyberspace ! - no worries will just go NC that will work ....

lol

I've given you one view of one of your narcs OP, no need for the personal attack.

Wilk stop trying to goad the Op. Telling her she's damaged was over the line. As for your comment about being gutted then following it up with lol , I would leave it at that before someone gives you a view of your situation that you won't like.

The lol was a response to her calling me a narc. i am very hurt by the whole thing, lol was the only way I could respond.

But this has been at worst a misunderstanding on my part of her story. I have gone to great trouble to give her my view gently because I knew it would be hard to read.

Hands up if I got it wrong but she hasn't even explained whether or not that is the case. I'm not goading her you can't expect someone to walk away after being attacked in the way that I have.

She has explained very well. She explained further in her post at 13.22. You responded to that explanation by stating she was damaged .

ballerina - she said she didn't lie herself but she never answered the question about whether DSis lied and whether what she said to her friend was a lie. Perhaps DSis deserved the NC for other reasons but so far OP hasn't divulged any. My concern is that at a time of sudden parental bereavement people say and do stupid things and you need to move on from those.

Op your only post at me has been to completely dismiss everything I've said in an incredibly defensive manner and then to personally attack me. This is a forum, not a sounding post for you to rant about your sister uninhibited and expect full approval and agreement from every other poster.

Shame to ruin this thread with something that seems to have turned into a private argument, I was interested in talking more about the enablement of narcs etc.

The Op clearly stated the sister relayed ridiculous stories to others. It's clear that the sister told lies to the friend and the Op maintained a dignified silence regarding private family business.

A bereavement is a terrible thing and I really agree people sometimes behave out of character. However , sometimes it is not a one off thoughtless comment that leads to someone deciding to go no contact , rather it is the straw that broke the camels back after years of mistreatment.

The Op hasn't used the forum as a sounding post and nor has she expected approval and agreement from every other poster. Many posters have written about their own experience on this thread along with you and I. It would seem that for some reason her story about her sister has touched a nerve with you. You seem to identify with the sister and are keen to provide reasons why the sister may have behaved as she did.

This is understandable as it sounds like your stories are not dissimilar . You have both had a experience of no contact occurring during a time of stress and bereavement. The Op instigated the no contact while you appear to have lost contact against your wishes. Both these scenarios are upsetting , but the Op is not talking about you in her post.