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Original poster

Sexual issues with my partner

54 replies

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 09:51

I am new to this so still learning the language.

I am 37 and my partner is 62, we have been together for 17 years, 3 kids - 2 boys, 1 girl . There is a backstory to this relationship that is very long.

My main concern right now is that I think some of my actions over the years (affairs) have led to a drop in confidence for my partner and it is affecting him sexually now.

Only once has he mentioned it and quite rightly blamed me for it but I don't know how to help him get his confidence back.

As a couple - people have often commented on how perfect we are, we are very good together but behind closed doors things aren't so great.

Is it worth going to couples therapy or a sex therapist? How do I suggest it?

OP posts:
Mom2K · 04/12/2014 19:19

As I say we do not have a perfect relationship, on the whole it works and with 3 kids you try a little harder

Your relationship absolutely doesn't work, and what a horrible example to set for your children. Cut your ties from one another and move on unless you want your children repeating the unhealthy pattern of your relationship.

Eekaman · 04/12/2014 19:24

For gods sake.... an affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage.

Cogito (or Head Girl, as I often think of her) is normally so supportive and helpful, but not on this occasion.

OP, for the 'getting and keeping issue', Viagra and it's derivatives are widely commercially available without GP visits, and are very effective, and there's no need to listen to those who say your. relationship. is. dead.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/12/2014 20:30

Eek
He gambled and stole from her. She cheated multiple times. What exactly do you think they have going for them?

GnomeDePlume · 04/12/2014 22:00

an affair doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage

No, but it can mean the end of a stage in a marriage. A stage where there is an assumption of faithfulness.

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 22:32

Affairs may not be the end of a marriage but the picture being painted here is of multiple affairs, gambling (theft?), lack of communication and sexual problems. Once a marriage features deception, mistrust & no one's mentioning the several large elephants in the room, ideas about counselling might be optimistic

Lweji · 05/12/2014 05:20

If one affair doesn't mean the end of a marriage, several (handful, really?) means the relationship is dead.
I am curious as to whether the money he took from you (not the family) was before or after the affairs.

But it looks like your problems are way bigger than ED. I would sort those out first and couples counselling (including individually) may well be the way forward, even if to finally end this train wreck.

Original poster
Puffypower · 05/12/2014 08:27

Cogit - we are not frosty to each other at all. I would say that we get on really well. The kids are in a happy secure environment.

And also 2 wrongs do not make a right and i am not saying one action was the consequence of another, I was merely referring to the comment about the feeling of being betrayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffypower · 05/12/2014 08:31

He worked to 47, was made redundant and retrained but unfortunately no work ever manifested.

Being a SAHD was the option that suited our situations

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffypower · 05/12/2014 08:53

All - I appreciate what you are getting here are snippets of information and I can see how you are all reacting to what you are hearing.

However, please understand that no one in the family unit is miserable, we have been over the last few years and through talking and working together we have got to a really good place.

I am concerned about one specific thing and I have related it to the affairs, I can see from some comments that this could just be normal - but still needs to be addressed.

It was suggested that the use of these sorts of sites could help provide me with insight from other people who have had similar problems. I have to say my first experience here has not been supportive at all.

For those few who have offered suggestions, I thank you.

OP posts:
PrettyPictures92 · 05/12/2014 09:16

OP you're not like to find much support here. You had several affairs. Folk find even one affair disgusting and grounds for separation.

PrettyPictures92 · 05/12/2014 09:17

And I agree with Cogit

jasper · 05/12/2014 09:39

I don't find affairs " disgusting and grounds for separation "

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 09:59

Good for you Jasper... Are you the one having the affair or is it your partner?

jasper · 05/12/2014 10:10

thanks for your concern, Cog. neither .

PrettyPictures92 · 05/12/2014 10:11

You honestly don't find one person cheating, lying and hurting another disgusting? How you can think it's fine is beyond me.

CogitOIOIO · 05/12/2014 10:36

So you're not really speaking from a place of experience Jasper....

foxtrotromeo · 05/12/2014 11:01

The OP has clearly asked for advice on one particular issue, to which she has provided some background. Where does your moral outrage about mistakes that may have been made on both parts fit in? It is evident from everything that has been said that both partners in this relationship are endeavouring to make it work and to overcome past issues.

The moral outrage is itself odd. As someone who has in the past been on more than one side of the triangle (including being the wronged party) I know that while affairs are clearly damaging and far from ideal, the reasons and scenarios that lead to such actions are many and varied. In general it is far too complex to be dismissed by self-righteous indignation. I think you should take a look at yourselves if you are unable to see past an admission of mistakes, the circumstance of which we know nothing, in order to provide support where it is asked for.

I would love to provide advice on the issue in hand but have no knowledge or experience of it. I would think that ascertaining if it is a physical or mental issue (or both) would be the most useful step to finding out how it can be resolved, but he needs to be willing to discuss and address it with you.

Original poster
Puffypower · 05/12/2014 11:49

@Foxtrot - you restore my faith in human beings

OP posts:
MoistSponge · 05/12/2014 11:54

How is his general health? Does he eat well? Exercise? Are there any signs of diabetes? Is he overweight?

ED is so common as men get older and the best course of action is a visit to the GP to talk it through. It could be performance anxiety or something physical - either way there are medications and other things that could help.

Noellefielding · 05/12/2014 12:00

25 years age gap?
That is a massive age gap, I would have thought being on a different page sexually was near guaranteed!
I may be wrong though.

Infidelity is a brutal thing to do to the other person really brutal but it is a wake up call that there is something/or many things, that the relationship isn't providing you both.
Bur relationships can rebuild after infidelity and be made stronger. It does take time thought and every couple varies.

jasper · 05/12/2014 12:05

I'm objecting to the oversimplification of a complex issue.
but get personal if it makes you feel better

HollyJollyXmas · 05/12/2014 12:48

The immediate roasting people get here for mentioning the word 'affair' is stupid. It silences people who are seeking support, answers etc. I really think some posters need to curtail their personal anger on this issue. There is a world of difference between straight talking on the issue if infidelity and attacking strangers based on scant details of their lives.

OP, sexual intimacy is an expression of the closeness between you. If you think that your affairs (or other issues within your relationship that you may not have mentioned) is at the root of the sexual issues in your relationships, have the two of you thought about couple's counselling?

Has he discounted physical issues, related to age etc?

Good luck.

uglyswan · 05/12/2014 14:55

Not even going to get into the whole affair business, OP, but wrt his refusing to see his GP about ED - does he go for regular check-ups? At his age he really ought to be screened for high blood-pressure, diabetes and prostate cancer. Could you possibly bring that up with him?

Original poster
Puffypower · 05/12/2014 14:58

High blood pressure is something we watch, he is medicated for it. I think that approaching him with concerns around prostate cancer may have of an impact and one I will discuss with him.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 05/12/2014 20:46

TBH I don't think it's the affair thing. I think if a 45 year old man gets with a 20 year old girl you would think he would be worldly enough to realise she may be tempted to a). other men out of curiosity as she matures and b). younger flesh at some stage in the union.

It's probably just an age differance thing which is causing current difficulties. Have they only just started occurring?