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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experiences of Relate please?

30 replies

GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 17:26

Has anyone ever been?

Please tell me that they were good and it worked Sad

This is basically the last gasp attempt to save my marriage Sad

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 02/12/2014 17:53

The success of any counselling process depends largely on how engaged and committed the participants are. You need a good counsellor but they can only ever act as a guide. They can't save anything

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 02/12/2014 18:41

Went twice, counsellor wasn't very good and although h suggested going he didn't really want to be there.
That said our 11 year dd had counselling at the same place for PTSD and her counsellor was excellent with her ( different one to ours)

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 18:43

I'm going on my own

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Ragwort · 02/12/2014 18:56

Yes, we found it useful, went a very long time ago (over 15 years ago) and have now been married 26 years.

It is very hard, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and each other and you might hear things you don't like.

It is useful to go on your own - the best thing I learned from it (and a phrase I regularly trot out on Mumsnet Grin) is - you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own reaction to it.

Dowser · 02/12/2014 19:08

I used to work for them as a counsellor.

I think they are excellent.

shewalkslikerihanna · 02/12/2014 19:14

I agree you must be prepared to be very open and you both want to work on your marriage. No one must bring their half to be fixed.

YouAreMyRain · 02/12/2014 19:16

I had two bad experiences. Two different counsellors who were both a bit crap and unprofessional, eg one kept wasting time in our sessions, waffling on and repeating personal anecdotes (very frustrating esp when you're paying £40 per hr) other counsellor was always late, frequently ill and ignored glaring safeguarding issues.

Not impressed. I think it can be very variable and hit and miss. If I wanted to go again I would just choose a private couples counsellor.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 19:25

Yeah my h doesn't want to go nk34

Hence me going on my own

He has said he will go but he is so reluctant i think he will just go in there with a bad attitude and poss make things worse Sad

It's something that happened in the past that I need to talk about and move on from. and I feel i\we need a 3rd party who is impartial to help. As it is not working with just dh and I talking it through as we are getting nowhere

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Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 19:27

Youaremyrain

Sorry to hear your experience was crap, it sounds awful Sad did you and your dh/dp sort things out yourself in the end? I hope so

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DadsnotBad · 02/12/2014 19:29

I went 3 years ago with my wife for 4-5 months. When we went the first time it was a also a last ditch attempt to save our marriage. WE couldn't see the others point of view, we argued at the silliest and most insignificant of things as well as the gig issues, we had no sex life and had very little respect for each other.

When we left, after 4-5 months and I think about 12 sessions (one of the longest she'd had she said), we had fallen in love again and our relationship changed.

I would recommend it, Relate were excellent and saved our marriage at that time. You should absolutely give it a go.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 19:49

So glad it worked for you dadsnotbad

Dh says what puts him off is that the sessions are weekly. So he thinks that because things will be discussed in the sessions that we will both find difficult and emotive we will come out and be arguing or unhappy with eachother. So is worried about how things will be between in the week between sessions iyswim

He "hates confrontation." Sigh. Well This is why we are at fucking relate!!

OP posts:
Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 02/12/2014 19:49

So glad it worked for you dadsnotbad

Dh says what puts him off is that the sessions are weekly. So he thinks that because things will be discussed in the sessions that we will both find difficult and emotive we will come out and be arguing or unhappy with eachother. So is worried about how things will be between in the week between sessions iyswim

He "hates confrontation." Sigh. Well This is why we are at fucking relate!!

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YouAreMyRain · 02/12/2014 19:50

Yes we sorted it out. He is now my ExH Grin

GoringBit · 02/12/2014 20:00

We found it very helpful, our counsellor got us thinking more clearly about what we both valued about each other and what we needed, and communicating about those things more effectively. Eight years later, we're still going strong - without Relate, I'm not at all sure we would be.

Good luck, OP, I hope things work out as you want them to.

merlincat · 02/12/2014 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/12/2014 08:22

Lol youaremyrain ...that's one way of sorting it out

Hope you're ok now

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Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/12/2014 08:23

Goringbit, I'm glad yours worked out ok

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Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/12/2014 08:25

And merlo cat did you find it ok keeping your discussion to the sessions? As that's what dh is worried about, he thinks that between sessions it will be difficult to keep things normal between us. Ie not argue etc. He is one of these people that wants things "fixed"immediately Sad

(Guess he should have thought of that before he did the thing that fucked my mind up so much Sad)

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merlincat · 03/12/2014 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lotsofponies · 03/12/2014 09:59

My partner and I are having relate couseling at the moment, 5th session tonight. Its helping us and out cenocelor seems good. Worth a try, even if you decide to go your separate ways it may help youu to be more amicable.

HellKitty · 03/12/2014 10:04

I had one-to-one phone sessions with a counsellor through Relate. It wasn't to do with our relationship but more how I see myself. The counsellor was amazing and made me see things for what they are/were. I would totally recommend them.

Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/12/2014 10:08

Yep merlincat this is what we've been doing, going round in circles with no conclusion or resolution Confused

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Original poster
GaryShitpeas · 03/12/2014 10:10

Hellokitty and lotsofponies - glad it worked / is working out for you

A lot of it I think is how I see myself I need to work on, my self esteem is rock bottom anyway and what he did to me just cemented that in my mind, that I'm worthless and unlovable

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moreharmthangood · 03/12/2014 11:49

Caused more damage here really...

I went with DP - all he wanted was a regular sex life. I was so pissed off with him and resentful and tired it wasn't happening. In fact I wanted to separate.
We did remove some of the resent (a lot was about money -situation was far from fair and we did sort that out)
He was also a lazy selfish bastard, did nothing around the house, for the children - that is slightly better. He is still like another child.
But...the counsellor was a bloke and a sex therapist and was so keen on this ...but I think it was a mistake to even think about this whilst I actually still didn't like DP very much.
We were supposed to spend 'couple time' on a set night of the week, go to bed early and just cuddled, massage each other etc which would restart our sex life. We picked a night of the week. First week can't remember what happened but DP did something really twatish that afternoon & we had an argument - I wanted to murder rather than cuddle him. This turned into a bigger argument - I'd deliberately started an argument to get out of it Hmm - I really hadn't. This got worse and worse, caused more arguments for weeks. We felt so angry towards each other. He would shout and strop out and be an absolute twat because 'we'd agreed'. This made me even less inclined. When you so far in a situation sometimes you can't see what is happening. You don't actually talk about it, too busy arguing.
In the end to keep the peace I agreed to try one night - I hated it - and then he was pushing for sex and honestly just to make it end I agreed . He started but I felt so shit I was crying and when he realised he stopped. We haven't had sex since (years). I can't let go of that feeling ... don't know if I ever can. I know that could be called rape - or at least coercion. DP has been to counselling on his own since, he feels shit about it too. And honestly I don't think he was completely blame, I had agreed when I shouldn't have and I think the counsellor was so into his sex therapist mode he didn't think beyond it and DP did feel constantly rejected and had been led to believe, the 'couple time' at least was 'his right' - if that makes sense. I actually feel sorry for him.

We live in the same house, get on ok most of the time. If he wants to leave that's fine. He says he doesn't he wants to make it work. I just don't know if we ever can...I have thought about going back again together to a different counsellor...but don't think I can.

intlmanofmystery · 03/12/2014 13:33

Agree with many comments here - very dependent on the counsellor and you both have to go in prepared to listen and potentially modify your behaviour. It is rarely one person's "fault" that a marriage isn't working. Going on your own to start with may help but you'll need your OH to engage at some point!

Was not successful for me - found the (female) counsellor very much favouring my W's point of view and my W just used the sessions to beat the proverbial sh*t out of me in a "safe" environment. We went in with different objectives but after a series of verbal beatings I just turned around and asked her why she wanted to be married to me if that was how she felt? We are no longer together.