Experiences of Relate please?

[GaryShitpeas]

Has anyone ever been?

Please tell me that they were good and it worked

This is basically the last gasp attempt to save my marriage

Garyshitpeas - Nits name by the way, ha.

Yes Relate can depend on the counsellor, but it depends a lot more on the people who the counsellor see. Relate are not responsible for saving your marriage or relationship, you and your partner are. Relate provide the 'tools' and the environment to have these open discussions, and both parties have to be completely open, honest and interested in saving the relationship - if one party doesn't commit to one of these three criteria, then it simply won't work.

My experience was good and don't let your husbands worries of how you will interact between meetings put you both off. Firstly, either your husband or partner wants to save your relationship of he doesn't. If he does, he will go to Relate with you and work on it with you. Nobody has ever said it's going to be easy, it's not, but you both (including he) have to put in the hard work, have to tell the other openly what's on your mind and equally have to listen to what the other person has to say too. We were always rowing, being disrespectful to each other, not hearing the others voice, never saw the others point of view etc etc etc, but, somehow, we did love each other.

Our meetings were in fact weekly also and it is a big commitment, but it is worth it, IF YOU BOTH WANT TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. We were pretty bad at the beginning so, it was agreed that between meetings we would not discuss what we had said, but that is not to say that you do not take on board what the other said during the meeting. Two very separate things.

You must give it a go. If your husband will not attend, then he is fooling himself that you will sort t between you and..... he is wasting your time also and not committing to the relationship. If he refuses to go, then you have no option than to save yourself, get out of the relationship and move on with your life, as hard as that may be.

I wish you both luck.

Moreharmthangood - I feel for you too. In reality though, unless you are very far down the line in Relate couple counselling you should not be running sex therapy parallel to the 'relationship counselling'. If it is possible, go back for 'relationship counselling', stick at it, listen to each other, use the tools given and heal your arguments, differentials, disrespect and work together on these things first. See each others view point (something we never did but learned to do) and be patient. When your relationship heals and you have gained ground and respect for each other, then ...... go to sex therapy. You can not be expected to jump into bed with someone who repulses you or you have no respect for. OR........... of course, if it is really that bad, just separate and start a fresh with another! Life really is too short to live in misery, we all deserve to smile.

Hope it works out!

If he's not willing to go it's not promising. It looks like the responsibility is on you to save things. It won't work that way but you can use the sessions to help yourself.

Also worth remembering other providers of relationship counselling. I've been to the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relations (on my own, after terrible breakup) and it's really good. They're a renowned training centre so the counsellors are continuously doing professional development. You have your first session with an assessor who talks through your needs and matches you with a therapist they think would suit.

Only in London, though.

dads It was supposed to be purely relationship counselling but I think the counsellor just got carried away because it was his other area of expertise....and it was our last session.
He really didn't understand just how deep my resentment was and I did kind of feel pushed into agreeing to the couple time. 'Right we have sorted out the major causes of your resentment, your DP has offered to do xyz - so now what are you going to do in return?' And I didn't feel I could say no, actually you can't wave a magic wand and sort out how I feel instantly. I'm still angry with DP - he was taking the piss. I know and understand why DP behaves the way he does sometimes - but then again I knew that before.
My part of the deal is I am working on changing my behaviour - instead of simmering and then exploding, I will talk rationally and calmly about how I am feeling before I get to that point.
I think he should have said give it a few months and see how you are getting along and then maybe if you both feel ready try this ...

(Actually one of the first things the councellor said to us is that separating may seem like the easy option, but remember having to sort out the finances and contact time is not easy. It creates a whole new set of problems. I remember thinking actually I know my life would be easier not living with DP - later I read 'Wifework' and can relate to it so much....)

So I do think it depends on the counsellor and I think maybe I would have been happier with a woman - maybe she would have understood how I felt better...

Gary, I've been to Relate previously with XH (no it I didn't work, but I think that was more about him than the counselling! For me it was validation that I wasn't losing my mind when she looked at him with a face and declared he couldn't really benefit from counselling as he had no empathy!

I have just done a quick search for other local counsellors and I think there are probably lots of other places you can look for someone to help you and they all appear to charge similar rates to Relate, if not cheaper.

It sounds like any counselling you do have will be more beneficial if you focus it on yourself instead of your marriage. If your H's heart isn't in it, it won't help.