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Original poster

Am I being spoilt baby? (bit long)

26 replies

oiseau · 16/04/2004 14:44

Hi - I used to post ages ago when ds was tiny under another name, I got spotted by a friend which put me off a bit so using another name now.

I really need some sound Mumsnet advice on whether I am being a spoilt cow! I could write a dissertation on this so I will try and keep it as brief as possible:

My DHs parents bought a villa in Northern Portugal four years ago. It is on a golf complex and other than golf there is nothing else there, just a course and a club house, no restaurants, bars or even a grocery shop. It is also on the Atlantic coast so the beach is wild - too rough to swim and too windy to lie on. Plus the weather is always rubbish! As my DH and I love the sunny beach holidays and don't play golf we haven't been yet because it just doesn't appeal.
Since DS was born last May we have come under increasing pressure from the in-laws to go. So much so that every time we see them it is like going to a time share sale! DH feels that we have to go or we will offend them (I do sort of agree that we should at least go and see for ourselves that it is rubbish rather than just assume)and so told them that we would go in the summer. His Mum then cornered me and asked if we would like them to overlap with us for a few days and they could help with DS. Didn't feel that I could say that I would rather holiday with Osama bin Laden, and MIL to date has never changed a nappy so not sure what "help" would entail. So I muttered that that would be nice and have instructed DH to make sure they aren't there for too long!

So the thing is that I feel really resentful that I have to:
a) use precious holiday time to go somewhere neither of us want to go - with no childcare so we won't get much of a break anyway
b) use precious money - the villa may be free but flights and car hire aren't
c) spend precious time with in-laws who do nothing but criticise me and never lift a finger to help their grandson

Just to keep them happy?

I think what galls me most of all is that they are absolutely loaded (just been on first class trip around the world for 7 weeks) and if they are so desperate for us to go to stupid Portugal why don't they pay for us to go - hence why I think I am being spoilt.

So for those of you who have managed to get to the end of this - be honest am I spoilt cow?

OP posts:

Northerner · 16/04/2004 14:50

No I don't think you are being spoilt at all. We're in a similar situation, my in laws are also loaded and have a villa in Spain, again on a golf complex. It does at least have a few facilities, but as they are desperate for us to go so they can see ds they pay for our flights every year, and they do the same for dh's brother and family.

Money and family time are precious so I think you are right to feel resentful. Perhaps your dh could explain this to them, and explain that you'd rather use your money on a family holiday with better facilities and see if that prompts them into coughing up!

CountessDracula · 16/04/2004 14:52

I wouldn't go. It's your time and money, it's not like they are even going to be there most of the time so why not just say thanks but it's not really our sort of holiday, maybe when ds is older, it would mean going everywhere in car etc.

Miriam2 · 16/04/2004 14:53

Tricky one oiseau. And it just underlines all the seething tensions that go on under the surface in families! Doesn't sound as if your dh really wants to go either and I can see how galling it would be to fork out for something you don't want to do. Could you say you can't really afford it or would that be losing face? Failing that go for as brief a time as poss (and get them to babysit sometimes!) then afterwards you can genuinely say it wasn't right for you and the baby -maybe when you're older and have taken to wearing plus fours and a Pringle sweater!

prettycandles · 16/04/2004 14:53

I don't think you're being a spoilt cow. Just because someone offers you a 'free' holiday which you're not keen on, doesn't mean that you don't appreciate what's good for youu and your's. I imagine your dh feels a bit piggy-in-the-middle too. Personally I'm the sort who feels the need to keep peace with all memebers of the family (there are a lot of far tougher cookies on Mumsnet, who will probably disagree with me utterly) so I'd be inclined to go, under the condition, if you prefer, that you go alone and not with the ILs. I quite understand your reservations!

But Portugal is a lovely place, and the Portugese love babies, so give it a go. Of course you won't have childcare and you'll still have lots of chores, but it will be a change. My dh loves self-catering holidays, cottages in the Lake District and so on, and I'm never keen at all - I want a hotel with baby-listening and someone to cook and clean up for me! But I go along with it, and it really is a break from the usual and I feel refreshed by it.

Original poster

oiseau · 16/04/2004 14:55

Lucky you that they pay for you. My parents had a villa in Spain a few years ago and used to pay for us all to go out as well so I think that is why it gets to me.

I might suggest your idea to DH and see what he says. The thing is I think they think it is "ideal" for DS because it is a bungalow!!

OP posts:

tamum · 16/04/2004 15:07

You couldn't combine it with another holiday could you? Fly out and spend a couple of days with them then drive to somewhere nicer in Portugal. That way you wouldn't have wasted money on flights. Having said that I have no idea at all about Portugal's goegraphy, so don't know how easy it would be to get to somewhere nicer. Don't think you're being spoilt at all, for what it's worth.

marialuisa · 16/04/2004 15:09

no, don't think you're spoilt at all.
FWIW last year we endured a holiday in Mallorca courtesy of my dad. He paid for everything, BUT we got to stay in an apartment he'd bought to rent out that badly needed refurbishing (bidet lifted out of the floor in one bathroom). we had to stay there rather than one of his better places because my stepbrother and his brats from hell were also given a free holiday but dad wouldn't trust them not to wreck the apartment and i can't be seen to be treated better than stepmother's child.

The place where we were staying is loved by many mumsnetters but for me and DH it was hell. Really dull, too many stockbroker types and so on. DH and i rowed all week

So, if you're a spoiled brat, what does that make me? If they really want you to go out there they should offer to pay, although with my dad this causes more hassle TBH. It's not as if they live out there permanently, is it?

Crunchie · 16/04/2004 15:46

Tamum might have got the best solution here. I can see both sides TBH. If dh also isn't keen then your case is stronger, but if you could go and combine it with another trip elsewhere that might be the best all round.

DH and I are actively trying to persuade his parents to rent a cottage in Cornwall next summer, which we can all go to, because we might get a free holiday that way. However last time we tried to do this with a chalet in france (skiing) it would have been more expensive than us doing it alone. Perhaps we are the idiots trying to go away with MIL!!

xoz · 16/04/2004 16:06

Parents and in-laws are are the spoilt ones most of the time. For me, they all live on the other side of the world (Australia) and complain constantly about how much they miss us and wish we would "come home" again, but when we do go to visit them they don't lift a finger to look after the kids and still go on with their regular activities (golf, bridge, line dancing, etc), leaving us at hometo entertain ourselves in their not-at-all-childproof home!!! I do understand the position you're in but I have learned (the hard way) that you can't live your life for other peoples convenience. Why do they want you to go there so badly anyway? It would have to be for their own benefit and not yours!

Lisa78 · 16/04/2004 16:17

No, I don't think so - I'd have probably been extremely blunt to my inlaws if I was in your situation!
I'd just tell them moreorless what you posted here - that your money and holiday time is limited so you would prefer to spend it doing something more suited to your family set up. Then run for cover
Good luck!

Jimjams · 16/04/2004 16:29

oh heck I almost posted something similar to this a week or so ago. We are having to go on a holiday neither of us want to go on this year - a duty holiday. The whole thing is turning into a nightmare and we are sticking our heads in the sand and not booking anything.

I would like to say don't go, but I know I won;t be following that advice (that others have given me as well) for the sake of family harmony so maybe grit your teeth and try it. (but make sure the overlap isn't too long- if we go I am insisting on that!).

Original poster

oiseau · 16/04/2004 18:05

Wow - thanks for all the advice. To be honest DH and I have been going round and round in circles much along the lines of the fors and against reasons you have all posted here. I just wish I was either strong enough to tell the truth and put my foot down like Countess and Lisa78 or good natured enough to go along with a smile on my face like Prettycandles. Sadly I am being a total wimp and resigning myself to it but still moaning about it.

To be fair to DH he has offered to say we don't want to go but I have stopped him because I know whatever he says the reasons are he will get off scot free and all the blame will be placed squarely on my shoulders by his parents!

Tamum - I like your suggestion, I think I might look into that.

xoz - I have no idea why they are so desperate for us to go, I think they like to think of themselves as Lord and Lady Bountiful with this fabulous villa to share ....

'spose I should just go and buy a Pringle jumper and get on with it!

OP posts:

bossykate · 16/04/2004 19:55

oiseau, if you are being a spoiled cow, then i would be one too in your shoes! it sounds dreadful. sorry, i've got no advice, i find myself frequently committed to social events that i deeply resent and then feel i can't get out of.

handlemecarefully · 17/04/2004 11:44

No - not a spoilt cow. I would echo Northerner and others. Get your dh to explain that it doesn't match your holiday preferences....

dottee · 17/04/2004 12:41

No you're definately not a spoilt cow! Tamum's suggestion is a good one.

IMO I can't see babies and golfing complexes mixing! They may do on some occasions but who needs a holiday when you are going to be stressed out and 'tip-toing' around. I've been on holiday with (now ex) in-laws before and vice versa. Your own family space is so, so precious.

Then again, it's hard (and stressful) when trying not to offend. It's a tricky one. Maybe in a few years time, like CD says?

Original poster

oiseau · 17/04/2004 13:30

Update: DH and I talked again this morning - I said "consensus on Mumsnet is we shouldn't go", he said "consensus at work says we will hurt mum and dad's feelings"!! (no one he works with has kids BTW). So we have come to a compromise - we are going but only for a week and will spend two nights in Lisbon. Then we are going to go away for another week somewhere in September that has good childcare.

So think of me pushing my baby round a golf course and being blown to bits on the beach - last week in July....

Thanks for all the advice - made me feel better than I wasn't being totally unreasonable!

OP posts:

bossykate · 17/04/2004 13:48

ahh, the advice of the childless - to be treated with the respect it deserves...

hope it turns out to be much more fun than you think.

tamum · 17/04/2004 13:56

I guess the good thing is that with such low expectations it's not likely to be worse than you think! Hope it's much better than you expect, and that you have a nice time in Lisbon.

Original poster

oiseau · 17/04/2004 14:04

We did both say "it can't be any worse than we expect" can it?

Anyway, today is a good day as we are both happier having finally come to a decision - just a shame about the hang over (childless couple round last night who stayed till 1.30 am - aggghhh!)

OP posts:

prettycandles · 18/04/2004 11:48

Will you go when the ILs will be there too?

prettycandles · 18/04/2004 11:49

Will you go when the ILs will be there too?

prettycandles · 18/04/2004 11:50

oops, sorry!

Original poster

oiseau · 18/04/2004 14:03

DH is going to make sure they are only there for two nights max! Difficult though.

OP posts:

Skara · 18/04/2004 14:12

just read the whole thread Oiseau and think your ils are being selfish gits and no, you're not being spoilt. Will think of you in July when I'll probably be compromsing myself similarly so that my in laws can see their new grandchild because they won't travel (yes, won't, not can't - grrr).

prettycandles · 19/04/2004 09:57

Mmm, tricky. If you arrive after them, they may suddenly change their minds and stay on a bit - 'to help you'. Perhaps you can arrange to arrive before them?

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